readerbaby71

It's going really well, going to al-anon and feeling pretty good about life, but I still get horrible anxiety when I start thinking about my BF having a relapse even though I try really hard to put it out of my mind and I KNOW there is nothing I can do to control his actions.

He works at a restaurant Wednesday and Thursday nights and is usually home by 11:30. Last night was busy and they had a lot of cleaning to do. He came home about 12:15-12:30. During that hour I felt sick at my stomach and convinced myself he was out drinking, that he never went to work at all, and thinking of scenarios about what would happen when he came home. (me telling him that it's over and that he needs to move out). I kept telling myself to chill out, not my problem, that I"m jumping to conclusions....and the three C's.

I even downloaded "Codependent No More" on my Kindle and started reading it. I wasn't in full-blown panic/anger mode, but I couldn't sleep. When he got home he said he was surprised I was up. I just said, "yeah, I was reading." He looked at me and said, "I'm sorry you feel like you have to wait up to make sure I come home." I told him it's my own thing and that I'm working on it. He had a super busy night and there was nothing he could do about it. I asked him to text me next time and just let me know, even if he thought it would wake me up. I wouldn't be sleeping anyway!

I have a long-ass day ahead of me, working 8-4 then babysitting till about 9 or 10. Now that I've had some coffee I"m okay but I know I'll be dragging!

Any advice on how I can stop worrying and detach from this issue?! It's driving me nuts.

MsPINKAcres

After 10 yrs in Al-Anon, I can tell you that somedays I can still struggle with that consuming fear of the "what if's" too

I have to really pull out my al-anon tool belt to stop that insane thinking and get myself back to a calm pink place

Here are some of the things I do:
Breathe Just Breathe
Pray
Next Right Thing (what needs to be done - dishes, clothes, take a bath or whatever)
journal my fears
and
also read my past journal entries - reminding me of all the times my HP has helped me thru past difficulties
Read Al-Anon literature (one of my favs pg 131 ODAT in Al-Anon - we find out what we need to knwo when we need to know it) if somethings wrong my HP will let me know in the right time
de-stress stretching

just to name a few - the main thing is to take the focus off my obsession and to focus on my recovery ~

Even if the worse thing I could imagine happens Worrying about it now won't help it. ~ My HP has walked with me, carried me through very hard times - we have made it before, we will make it again. I will enjoy the here & now and be happy today.

Just what works for me ~ hanging in there - things do get better!

pink hugs!

readerbaby71

Thank you so much, Ms. Pink. Deep breathing, yoga and meditation help me a lot. I will try to implement some of the things you mentioned when I start freaking out!

BoxinRotz

I have so felt the same anxiety, which got worse after my AH's motorcycle accident. I got so sick, I thought my heart would explode. I felt like I was going to have a heart attack. Shortness of breath. Chest pains. Just total craziness. I still get them at times but for the most part, I have to remind myself that I am doing what I need to do and regardless of what I do, he will do what he does. But, it didn't help that I had a whole lot of other things to deal with too. I think it all just compounded everything into a lil atomic bomb for me.

I think the best thing I did was to just let go and let God. I certainly had no control over any of it. Still don't so I just let God.

Florence

Agreed to all of these. I also find that drinking a warm drink -- I like peppermint tea -- is meditative and relaxing, a ritual unto itself. It takes about ten minutes, I doctor mine with a little honey, and it is comforting to have something warm in my hands and warming my body when I am on the verge of spinning out.

In the longer term, I highly recommend getting a life. No, seriously. I spent a lot of time in a panic worrying over my AH. My anxiety was through the roof. To manage the anxiety in a more long-term way, I starting seeing a therapist (about 3 years worth) and took meds for a short while. Both of these things helped. In addition, I exercise strenuously at least 3-5 times a week -- by doing something new I found out I love, biking, that I never would have done with my AH. I sleep like a rock and feel freer and stronger and have met so many good, healthy people with this new hobby. It's also something I can do with my kids, which is nice if you're a parent. Since I started exercising in a serious way, and taking my sleep schedule seriously, my moods have stabilized and I haven't had a touch of depression. The anxiety I have had has been situational and more than manageable.

My therapist recommended a few things when you're feeling really down and anxious: drink warm drinks, put on a large collared sweater, or wrap a blanket around your body. Wear soft slippers, comfortable clothing. Basically, give yourself a warm, extended hug. REALLY. And read books -- not screens, books. The eye movements are for whatever reason helpful for people who experience trauma (see EMDR).

What do you love to do? Can you do it outdoors? Can you find a way to build up your core self so that his actions, reactions, and non-actions won't affect you as much? Get in touch with nature (I know, I know, but seriously)? Find a way to love yourself?

LifeRecovery

I don't mean to downplay how stinky this felt.

I just want to comment that you said it yourself. You were NOT in full panic mode, you were in a worked up place.

I bet previously this "spot" would have been worse, you would have "reacted" more fully etc.

I just want to comment that to me this reads like progress.

I hear you asking about how to do the next piece...because you have already come a long way.

readerbaby71

I had some sleepytime tea last night and I think it did help. Liferecovery, I appreciate you pointing out that I have made some progress. I haven't looked at it that way because I was still upset, although to a lesser degree. Sometimes we don't give ourselves enough credit for the things we have done and overcome. I have to remember it's not an overnight process.

Thanks, all, for your insights and input! I appreciate it.

FireSprite

Sometimes when I couldn't get it my head to stop I had to verbally, out-loud talk myself down.

The anxiety was often based on my assumptions (Like you said, did he go drinking? did he go to work at all?) so I eventually learned to stop & ask myself, "Do I KNOW this thing to be TRUE?"

If so - carry on, Anxiety... it's a real issue. More often, not. So I follow up with "Is it something I CAN do something about or is this out of my control?" If I do have a role in it then, "Have I done absolutely everything I can to fix this, to the best of my ability?" If not, I know what I can do to take action, more often though.... it's not mine to fix. So I'd think, "well, I can't control THAT but I CAN control getting enough sleep so I'm not a trainwreck tomorrow." I can CHOOSE to not be "as" impacted. Even if my worst-case scenario in my mind were true - there was nothing I could do about it at that moment anyway, so how was worrying going to make it any better?

It's like once I walked through this checklist then I could absolve myself of feeling required to find a solution. It made me understand what they say about having no control & how I can't cure it.

lizw

That obsessive worrying can be a compulsion for me that I have little control over, at times. Especially when I am tired. Am a zillion times better than what I was as I just use to believe it all!

I have always found a rubber band on the wrist helpful and I flick it (gently) or change wrists when my head starts up. It's like a physical way I learn to redirect my attention to a more healthy place so it breaks the habit or current obsession.

Also keeps me focused in the current moment and what it happening now instead of living in the past or the future.

I think I have spent a lot of time feeling or processing what ever it was I was obsessively worried as I thought this was the 'healthy thing' to be doing. It probably caused me more anxiety, truth be told as I really had no control over what ever it was I was worrying about.

There is a certain simplicity and peace in getting on with the business of living and focusing on what is in happening in my OWN life. I.e. friends, work, house hold tasks, kids etc...

LifeRecovery

I know it is crazy sometimes how we don't give ourselves credit.

I have to often remind myself how long I "lived" with the behavior I was trying to change (years +) and how long I had been making changes (days, weeks, years).

When I can step back and get some distance/objectivity I usually appreciate how far I have come a little more....that does not mean I don't have another step to go.

Also sometimes it seems as I uncover "one" issue it snowballs for me in how far reaching it has become.

Finally I knew this was getting better for me when I could "recognize" that I was in the loop de loop thinking, feeling etc, because I was doing it about one topic, one thing, one piece. I was NOT doing it about 80 million of them at once.

fourmaggie

3C's
i can not CONTROL it
I did not cause this
and there is no cure...

i know its hard....but its out of your hands and in the hands of HIS and HIS Higher Power...

funny, if i do get anxious...i clean the TOILET/MICROWAVE/STOVE/FRIDGE...now i know i can be the only one that does this...LMAO...

iSPAZ

When I first went to alanon my anxiety was about a 7 on a 1 to 10 scale with 1 being perfectly content and 10 being that I would choose death than live another day in that condition. I started getting better until XAW started turning up the heat. Finally landed myself in the hospital with a nervous breakdown when my anxiety was at about a 9.9999999. I had not eaten without vomiting for about a month and slept less than 45 min a day for about 3 months. When I looked at all the people in the hospital I saw that every one of them had a false sense of reality. Then it hit me like a brick wall. I was more worried about someone else than about myself. It felt selfish at first but I knew I needed to be there for my kids. I knew I had a huge problem. I was served with divorce papers a few hours of being released from the hospital in a very fragile condition to say the least. I learned my cortisol level was through the roof. I began to detach with love sometimes and sometimes just detached. Vitamins, CBT, DBT, Codependent no more, Getting Them Sober, Sober Recovery, open AA meetings, Levi Garret, and alanon have helped me get to virtually 1-2 On any given day. Vitamin super-b complex with panothenic and folic acid. When the anxiety would seem unbearable I would pinch my arm real hard and ask myself which hurt worse? The actions of my XAW or the pinch. I have learned as much as I could about alcoholism. I have compassion as I know they are self medicating anxiety with alcohol and I know how debilitating it can be. Hang in there it gets better!

wolfpackfan45

I fight the same problem worrying that my son will relapse. It's gotten better after AlAnon and counseling. Time has also helped. I repeat the serenity prayer over and over, pray, get busy with something (book, knitting, movie, housework), and do deep breathing. I also remind myself that FEAR is false evidence appearing real. You're not alone. I know how difficult it is, and when I get in that mode I tend to let my thoughts run away with the worst case scenarios. It takes time and work to learn a different way of thinking.

NYCDoglvr

You can't think your way out of obsession. What worked for me was getting as physically active as possible, getting out of my home. Fast walking was great, and getting to as many Al-anon meetings as possible helped restore my sanity.

Lyssy

My therapist recommended that I come up with a relapse plan. Both short term and long term. I am have a short term plan in place and and a "soft" long term plan. I find that has really help me with the anxiety of the possibility of relapse. If rah drinks I will do x. Just a suggestion.

Recovering2

When my RABF first came home from rehab I had a LOT of anxiety. It took work to stay out of his way and focus on me. I had a counselor, and Alanon, and both helped me get centered. I read every morning from "Courage to Change" and "The Language of Letting Go". It took time, but I realized that I was spending energy on something that I had no control over.

He's away this weekend. Is he drinking? I would say no. But if he is....what am I going to do about it? There is nothing I can do about it. And if he isn't? Then why waste one of the days in my life stressed about a non-issue? I have made plans with friends, I am going for a long run in the morning, visit my folks on Sunday. Focus on me.

I can either choose to worry about if he could relapse tomorrow.....or I can focus on being grateful for his sobriety today. I choose to focus on being grateful. Tuffgirl had a great post recently about choosing. Make the choice that supports your serenity.

fluffyflea

The What Ifs are nasty. One thing to do is use the steps, Step One "We Admitted We Were Powerless Over Alcohol, That Our Lives Had Become Unmanageable."

Essentially when we are obsessively worrying our lives ARE unmanageable because if they relapse there really is nothing we can do we are powerless over that. BUT....we can take care of ourselves.

HopefulinFLA

This takes a lot of practice! I'm still working on it, but some things that I find helpful are

1. Reciting the 3 C's
2. Exercise! Releases endorphins which naturally create calmness and improves my mood
3. I find calling a friend and discussing anything but what's bothering me is very very helpful. It distracts me and always gives me new perspective by pulling me out of my own self centeredness which worrying creates for me.
4. Repeat steps 1-3 as needed!

RobbyRobot

I don't mean to be smartass, but detaching is enough in itself to allow for you to relax enough to stop worrying about what you can't control anyways respective of others behaviors.

I would suggest a simple enough start to detaching would be to emotionally come to the conclusion that your detachment does not compromise you in any way - the act of detachment is not itself something to add to your worry, even though it at first may appear to leave you less on top of whatever.

Detachment is its own reward. My experience with detachments are the results are often slow to realise since detachment begins as an inside job which eventually leads to real and lasting changes in our external lives.