trikyriky

It's been 3 days since I last used , and.......

I've started numerous threads and got a lot of good from the response. Matter of
fact , I'm in a better place for it . Recently I was called out , this responder called my threads speaches , told me if i didn't get the help I needed ( AA ) that I would end up killing someone , myself or end up in an institution with permanent brain damage ..

I've been hesitant to post since. I haven't been able to stop thinking about it

My point , this could go either way . It could shake somone to do the next right thing or it could push them over the edge.

Keep the bashing to pm. Use this site for positive support and encouragement. Suggestions ok , but not the you'd better or else mentality

Agree or disagree , it's just what I've been thinking and I needed to vent

Nuudawn

I'm a believer in freedom of speech Rik..and emotional honesty..AND sensitivity. I know that I have gotten frustrated with folks here and been a bit more abrupt than perhaps I should have been...but that's also because I actually CARE. In truth, words should not push anyone over the edge and if they do...well, a healthy person cannot be responsible for the actions of another.

We are captains of our own ship.

LadyinBC

I believe people here truly do have the best intentions, afterall, we have all been where you are.

However, I haven't seen the thread you are referring to, so I don't know what content it was written in.

Stay strong, keep fighting and remember to take what you need from the advice and leave the rest. You are not obligated to do what someone else tells you to do. You do what is right for you. At the end of the day we all have to do that.

ScottFromWI

There's certainly a fine line. I think the mods do a great job of weeding out blatant bashing/badgering, and reporting it almost always gets it cleared up right away if they don't catch it.

I think there is a time and a place for both wide open compassion and tough love, and i try and remember that we are all human so if someone says something that i don't agree with, that doesn't necessarily mean it's wrong.

dwtbd

Big fan of free speech and personal responsibility here. The internet is fantastic , but this box I type in is under the control of the owners of this site so any issues are with them or their representatives.

In the end we are all 'just' people typing, only responsible for ourselves, some of us are more well behaved. Heck I take back shopping carts I didn't even use.

Fandy

if you get responses like that you can report them, if they do not follow the guidelines as the moderators interpret, they will be removed. No one should bash you even in a PM, i report them also.

depending on what forum section that you post in and the theme of your thread you are going to get different types of opinions.

As for people predicting your future? Well you know that is baloney..because they simply just do not KNOW what will happen...If they had clairvoyant powers they wouldn't be spending time here, just sayin'.... it's their opinion and we all have them.


I didn't read your particular thread, but i know you have been struggling with extended sober time over the last couple of months....i don't comment much as I've never shared your type of struggle (DOC).

I am glad to see that you didn't get overly upset or bullied out, I hope you have a plan in place to help you stay clean and sober....this website is a big part of it for me too.

you have family and grandchildren, these can also be a strength for you.

You are on Day 3! heading into Day 4 and beyond.

LadyinBC

I think the majority of us have done this. It's part of the disease. At some point it, it clicks. But everyone has to take their own journey to get there.

soberhawk

I am sorry that you got an answer that you found hurting.

I have certainly given responses here I did regret having done. But I have also read threads where people have got offended and I at least did not read the response as being intended to be offending.

And there are certainly some sensitive subjects here that I in reality had no idea were sensitive before I joined this site – there are some cultural differences at play and language problems for some of us.

There is though surprisingly much harmonious conversations going on.

I am glad you are writing here again.

Concrats with the 3 days, stay strong.

MidnightBlue

Hi, Tricky.

First, congrats on 3 days and glad you are in better place now.

I haven't seen the thread either, but from what I hear such a strong suggestion like "ending up killing someone" and, what is more, advising on a particular recovery method, seems to be a little bit harsh for an open thread.


Nuudawn, IMHO "words cut more than swords".

Best wishes to all.

Have a great sober day.

Mentium

Occasionally someone who is clearly pratting about needs a nudge. A positive nudge does no harm in my view if the motivation is supportive. Not everyone is motivated by a 'there there, everything will be OK' approach.

Jeni26

Well I'm not a great fan of the 'tough love' type of post. I know it can work for some, but I think we are in no position to know the effects of our words on an Internet site.

The only time I would use that approach with another person would be if I knew them very well and it was face to face. I could gauge their reaction and be there if I felt they needed it.

I would rather be the sympathetic ear...lets face it, if our words stop another posting, we could well be pushing them into a relapse. I'm not saying that it would be our fault of course, but we alcoholics look for any excuse to drink, so why help it along?

I also think we can all be terribly over-sensitive at times and a harsh word is magnified 10 fold when we feel vulnerable or threatened. So for me, gently does it I think x

awuh1

I needed to find the post you were referring to and read it for myself. If I may be so bold, I would like to suggest that you might have read it incorrectly.

As I read it, “Speech” referred to the manner in which you were using language. Specifically
the use of the word ‘we’ instead of ‘I’ or ‘me’. They also did not specifically mention AA. But these are minor points.

Hearing tough talk is difficult, I know. Harder still is going to funerals. It can make a person angry. It can make a person want to grab someone by the shirt, look them in the eye, and give them a wakeup call, just so as not to have to go to another one.

That’s the sort of place this sort of talk it’s coming from….

At the same time I'm sorry that person disturbed you.

alphaomega

What I really enjoy about getting ******** called on me, is it honestly forces me evaluate my judgements and thought patterns. If it stings, then I usually know it needs to be masticated over.

We all seek to be understood, but the greatest growth comes from stepping our of our own self-imposed prisons and perhaps finding a different way. Once I sit with whatever it is that has me reeling, I can then determine if it a new way to think for me, if its something I prefer to discard, or something to revisit at a later date.

Strong reactions to someone else words usually mean two things. 1. We resonate, or have resonated in the past, with the emotion that they evoke and have not yet come to terms with our feelings on the situation or 2. We realize that someone is spiraling and in desperate need of a pull back before it gets too far. Typically, for myself, it's the former. Whenever someone makes me want to spit nickels, my gut reaction is why is this making ME feel this way ?

Then I usually just call them an asshat and move about my business.

Mentium

Yep - easy to forget people die a lot from alcoholism. A lot.

jaynie04

Hi Rik, thanks for a good thread, I think it is timely. I was having a lot of emotions yesterday to different threads and I had to step back and look at what it was bringing up for me. I am not stating that in a mea culpa fashion, but I was definitely feeling things getting under my skin, and for different reasons. In some of them I saw myself, past, present and hopefully future.

I saw bargaining, posturing, maneuvering, realization, ownership, denial, fear, anger, belligerence....the spectrum of human emotions. I am pretty raw emotionally right now so I identify with your sensitivity completely. For every time I hit send there are 10 times I type a response and delete it.

I am glad we have the full monty of posters, I think there are times when people need their hand held, especially newcomers. I am not great at tough love, but I am glad we have posters here who can help move it along when it becomes somewhat co-dependent and it seems like we are hurting rather than helping.

Again, thanks TR for a very helpful and extremely timely thread.

DoubleBarrel

I have seen way too much death and illness caused by complacency and enabling alcoholics.

As one who probably is right up there in the "tough love" camp, It is because I strongly feel that many of them really need to be shaken and told the truth. I think my feeling on that is based on having friends die, and wishing I had tried to do something more.

That being said, I realize more than anyone that no one else can MAKE an alcoholic desire the change that is required to quit, nor would I EVER think it appropriate to say, if you don't follow X path to recovery, Y will happen.

I do say that if you continue to drink, there is a pretty predictable downward spiral that we have seen over and over in countless other addicts.

There is no doubt about it, when someone has said something that BOTHERS me, its almost always a sign that it is because a truth that I am not willing to face is being revealed.

firstymer

I am one of the thinner-skinned members of SR. The number of positive and supportive comments that I have received in my 3 weeks here is the single greatest reason that I have stayed sober during that time. The relatively few, and probably unintended, harsh comments that I have received have driven me away for a few days to lick my wounds.

Tough love is sometimes warranted, even here at SR. But when the tone of a post turns negative, I think it takes away from the generally uplifting and supportive vibe that has been so helpful, to me anyway, in my recovery.

soberhawk

I do try to be aware of that I could be reading what I read wrong, I can get some sense of the person writing when you have read many posts. But I am often very surprised when I follow a thread – and understand that I did read the first post wrong, the poster was in a very different position than I thought.

I have a at times written a response - not tough love – but writing what I found obvious and realized that the person was much more vulnerable than I saw from the first post.

That only says something about my arrogance and is of no use to the poster.

lorelei

Just because *some* people can give tough love, doesn't mean *others* can take it.

We are all at different stages of our recovery journey, some people are like china vases and one small knock can break them, I'd rather err on the side of caution and of caring and encourage rather than say what I think is best because I think they need to just get sober.

Its always nice to think before we speak, and reflect before we type.

freshstart57

That responder was posting out of a position of ignorance it would appear, Riky. Any specific program, jails, institutions and death are only a fraction of the choices available to you - there are many more.

Maybe what this poster was suggesting was that you need a plan of some kind if you are going to get and stay sober. You need a plan. Are you ready to make a plan about continuing to use?