Kassie2

I just realized something tonight... I realized that I have been treated differently by family and friends because I was married and divorced from an alcoholic.

Most ppl did not know he was an alcoholic until the divorce. While everyone expressed surprise and dismay about his problem - I felt that ppl put a lot of guilt or blame on me. I recall now how several ppl when learning the truth about his behavior that I was asked the question about "didn't you know this problem existed before marrying him?"

Why should that matter? He was sober when we married. What difference does that make? Ppl marry all the time to ppl with problems that are learned to be more than... after the fact or they find out after the fact. Why am I to be less than others who marry and divorce for any number of reasons?

I thought this an interesting fact and wanted to run it by ppl here. Have you had the same treatment or felt the same way? It shouldn't matter in my opinion.

I loved someone with a problem, he couldn't manage it and I couldn't live with it any longer, how am I different from others getting a divorce? Why do others think differently of me and just shrug it off as though I don't have feelings nor deserve them?

spiderqueen

Hi Kassie,
Just a thought: There is a stigma attached to alcoholism, and all addictions, because they cross that line to mental illness (whether you view addiction as a disease or not).

We humans are especially anxious about mental illness, whatever form it takes, because it touches on the very nature of "self", or soul - and lord knows, we've all seen our A's robbed of their judgement, their values, their personality; indeed everything we loved about them to begin with, because of their addiction.

Honestly, it's scary to people, Kassie. And people do sometimes react to fear by detaching, blaming, and some of the other things you describe.

I know it's hard, but try not to let other people's opinions bother you too much, if they are not able to be supportive. I say listen to the ones who have "walked a mile in your shoes".

Take good care,
SQ

LifeRecovery

I always took it as self-protective when someone asked....as a way of protecting their perception that they could not have done the same thing.

I thought the same way for awhile...before I got educated about the disease.

Lulu39

I have a couple of acquaintances who, in the last few years, have separated and divorced. One says nothing about why he and his wife split up. Nothing. He is, however, furiously angry and bitter but gives no explanations or reasons. Another just says "We grew apart" I believe he is lying as he is a type A personality, high maintenance, PITA "mansplainer". Google "mansplaining" if you haven't yet heard the term

Me: I have said when asked "He was an addict, a drunk and abusive".

People I work with believe me. People who were "our" friends do not and they support him and not me and the kids. They will learn. Time will tell. More will be revealed. One day they will see.

In my experience the reason "We grew apart" is the one others seem to accept the best is because it means others don't have to invest anything emotional from themselves, just an "Aww, I'm so sorry" and the conversation moves on.

BUT, with us women who have lived with an abusive drunk, wellll.....WTF do they say? What can they do? We make the normies soooo uncomfortable.

I am bitter and hurt by the way my/our friends have treated me since I made my XAH leave. His story is that he left me and the kids because I was a witch who refused to sleep with him. If only they could see the crashed cars, the police reports from when I had to call to make him leave me alone, the suicide attempts and threats, the financial impact of all his lost jobs. If only they knew that HE has been forced by his employer to see a co-morbidity counsellor and doctor and has made NO CHANGES to his drinking and drugging. Co-morbidity (AFAIK) means that he has a mental illness and an addiction at the same time.

But nooooo, I am the evil witch who withheld conjugal rights (LMFAO!) when in reality I refused to be slobbered on or abused and mistreated and lied to by an abusive, unemployed, lazy, lying drunk and drug addict.

The same lazy, lying drunk who is speaking on the phone to my eldest boy right now giving him a lecture from hell about "how to be a man, son". Eldest boy is giving yes/no answers every minute or so and that's the extent of the conversation.

HopefulinFLA

Hi Kassie,

I can't help but think that people's reactions to your divorce might not having anything to do with you, but maybe themselves. You're a strong woman who did something about a bad relationship in order to improve the quality of life for yourself. Could it be that some of these folks have similar problems somewhere in their lives and you changing yours forces them to look back into themselves? That might make someone who's still in denial about a problem feel very uncomfortable. It's just easier to label you as the bad guy.

So sorry you have to deal with this. It's times like these though, when you learn you your real friends are.

Best of luck to you!

ResignedToWait

That sounds exactly like the conversations AW has with our 19 y/o! He could care less about what is being said.
Not sure if that's from their relationship, or just because he's 19, though.

Tuffgirl

Oh I get that a lot.

My response: No, I didn't know he was an alcoholic because I had no experience with it, so how could I recognize it? Never had anyone respond negatively to that statement.

And I really don't care anyway. I married him because I loved him and thought it was the right thing to do. It didn't work out. The end. No more explanations needed.

P.S. There are a lot of stupid people in the world....just sayin'.

Wisconsin

I am "fortunate," because my AH's family knew of his alcoholism before we dated and married. He was deep in his disease for many years. Once he "earned" his third DUI, he found sobriety and recovery. A year later, we got back in touch, started dating, and married. So while I had no experience but an AH in recovery, they all knew very well what he is like in his disease. Now that we're several years into the relapse, his family absolutely gets it, and they are very supportive of me. I had no experience at all with addiction of any kind before this relapse.

That said...I honestly don't give rat's a$$ if people "blame" me. I don't care if my AH blames me. I don't care if his friends blame me, or if total strangers blame me. I will GLADLY take all of the blame, because I am the one who has decided I cannot live this way. So yes, I am to blame for splitting up, and I am totally comfortable with that. I have my reasons, I know they are legitimate, and that's what matters. I find that trying to explain myself to people who have no context, and no concept at all of what my life is like, simply disrupts my serenity. At the very most, I say "there is always plenty of blame to go around when a relationship fails." And then I drop it.

Hammer

Just did.

Urban Dictionary: mansplaining

check out definitions 2 through 5.

Love you. Just joking. Put down the knife.

Please. Put down the knife.

Oh yeah, I do not even go there. It is just too shocking. I just say, "a little off" with a little hand twisty sign, or "bat sh1t crazy" depending on the audience. Most folks that ask just really do not want to know, anyway.



Yeah, we can sing that chorus.

That is a down side of that respect thing you taught the kids, sister.

Alateen/Alanon would still not be a bad thing for them.

LaTeeDa

You know, part of my recovery has been the recognition and admission that I was extremely judgmental and "superior" when I was married to a A. It was a way for me to feel better about myself. So now, when I come across others who are judgmental and superior, I find myself empathizing with how they must feel--helpless and inferior. That doesn't mean that I allow their toxicity in my life. I avoid them like the plague. But, I do understand a little about why they are that way.

L

MsPINKAcres

Lulu said it well "More will be revealed"

Everyone was shocked when I left my ex AH ~ he was still attending AA meetings, confessing to be clean & sober, and all that jazz ~

But I knew differently and had for over 2 & 1/2 years - I just hadn't share it with anyone other than my trusted al-anon friends. I was minding my own business.

More was to be revealed - it just took a while for everyone else to find out what I had known for a long time . . .

Take comfort in: what others think of me is none of my business -

if it's your "friends" that continue to judge you ~ maybe it's time for some new friends?

There is always plenty of room on the High Road - do what is healthy for you and let everyone else make their own choices - if they aren't on the High Road with you - who needs to travel with them!

Wishing you the best,

pink hugs!

Florence

My mom (and his parents too, actually) is this way. I'm the bad guy because I filed for divorce. Never mind the completely unacceptable crazy **** he was saying and doing for the last three years of our marriage. That's all water under the bridge. I'm the jerk for not taking it indefinitely.

Cyranoak

Practice saying this: "It's none of your business."

Take care,

Cyranoak

Amber23

I remember my MIL getting defensive and asking me "Why I married him?" when I was opening up about my fears about my DD growing up with an alcoholic father.....I simply said "Everyone else thinks he can just stop drinking....why would I be any different?"

Lulu39

You sure did, in more ways than one...

I prefer the definitions which are more widely accepted.


You appear to make the assumption that in the avatar I have chosen I see myself as holding the knife. What you see in my avatar is a matter for you.


I agree. They disagree. Can't see myself forcing/dragging boys taller (and soon be be taller) than myself into Alateen.

I've left the literature around, they looked, they don't wanna go. They were specially invited to be inaugural members of the first Alateen in our area, they said: no thanks, not into it.

They are good kids, GREAT kids, smart kids. They know what's what and I'm glad they don't speak ill of anyone, except their drunken, lying paternal grandmother who hasn't bothered to contact them in over a year, which shows me they ARE paying attention to ACTIONS and not WORDS, which is what I have taught them.

Hammer

Just funny to me. Probably my favorite on here.


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