bonbon

ok, How can I distinguish this in my mind, I know were not suppose to let the actions of the A effect us, or actually the behavior, but how can I tell the difference if his behavior is REALLY PISSING me off, because It angers me and I have a right to be mad? OR If I am just letting his behaviors make me mad because I am just used to doing that..

That didnt make sense did it?

I mean like, How can I determine that I have a right to be mad? or Is it just my co-dependence coming out?

I hope that made better sense..sheesh I think I have thought tooo much today!

Ogly

Based on what you have told us - you have the rigth to be mad - very mad.... but co-dependency is if you are doing things for him that he is capable of doing for himself... ie - like dealing with this situation he has gotten himself into....you would be codependent in my eyes if you took any role in solving this probelm, as it is not your porblem to begin with..... being co-dependent is giving him money when you know it is going for drugs... being codependent is doing all the research to find him a rehab etc....

if you are finding that you are changing your habits, if you are walking on eggshells, if you are talking to him in a way in order not to cause a fight, if you are not living your life for YOU - that is my version of being codependent....

Ogly

Rose56

Bonbon, that's a great question. I am always trying to figure out if I have a right to be mad or am I just being unreasonable. I don't trust myself, why do I think that I am mad and have no right to be? I think we always have the right to all our emotions. If we are mad, then there is probably a reason. We just have to figure out the reason. Am I mad because I am expecting behavior from the A that is not likely to happen? In other words, are my expectations making me angry?
I'm sorry I dont have a better answer. Take good care.

bonbon

Good Point there Rose, I for one really have to work on expectations, I've learned basically not to have any when it comes to my A. BUT- When is not having any expectations or keeping them low, a sign of letting them walk all over us? (me) ?

I've often questioned that in my mind, Here is an example- "I go home and my A says he is going to watch the game at X's house? " He then tells me, I will be home around 11pm..or whatever time. Then when he does not show up at that time, and its later or whatever the scenerio is, I am pissed because it seems as though the majority of the damn time, he can't do what he says he is going to do. Sometimes it happens that way, but it makes me go back to, the agrivation I feel. So, I try not to set high expectations, but then its like the green light to say GO FOR IT..

I see what your saying too Ogly, I definately am not so much as co-dependent as more that I obsess about his behavior. I do not try to fix his situations at all, I get upset at the way he tries to handle them. I do contribute to his money though, and that has to be worked on. I'm terrible about that.

There I went again, rambling..

smoke gets in my eyes

Here is Melody Beattie's definition of codependency. I think it's a good one. (from "codependent no more")

"A codependent person is one who has let another's behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person's behavior."

Whether or not you have a "right" to be mad might depend on whether you believe you have a "right" to expect consideration and respect. But we have all heard the phrase "Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me." At some point the issue stops being whether or not you are "right" to be mad, but whether or not you want to continue to be mad. Then your choices become 1)change the situation or 2)change your expectations. I guess that's why we say the serenity prayer a lot.

Hugs!
Smoke