javamama

I want to thank u all for for your support. So many good ppl here. Im drunk...nothing new. I habe drank anything in thia house that has alcohol. I want to stay drunk. I have 3 kids who love me dearly but Im a loser. I have been a great mom for 12 years but it doesn't matter now.

Dee74

I really hope you'll wake up and do something about this tomorrow JM.

Is there another supervising adult for the kids?
Is rehab an option?

D

hypochondriac

Hey Javamama. Please believe me when I say it the alcohol which is making you feel this way. Even in your sober hours this addiction is insidious and will try and keep you down. Please do whatever you can to get and stay sober and given enough distance from your last drunk you will start to see things in a more positive light and wonder how the hell you were so dismissive about it before. Believe me, I was so negative when I was drinking, borderline suicidal and thought my life was over. Things get a lot better sober. And you can do this. There are plenty of people here for inspiration, and we all say 'If I can you it so can you' x

thedude704

Yea it's a plague, I've been through and still go through scavenging the house for alcohol, I've been able to keep myself in check enough not to do the mouthwash thing but. I'ts been troublesome for me when I'm out of booze and I want more. We're here for you.

I'm new but I'm hoping this website can help me make changes I want to make. Mayhaps we can help each other.

13unluckyforsom

I echo every word of this javamama I only hope you come back and take this on board.

FeelingGreat

Javamama you don't have to do this on your own. Try to find people locally who can help you. Maybe your doctor would be good start? Accept help for the sake of your children. Hope to hear from you soon.

longbeachone

Javamama, we've posted back and forth before, and I know you are honestly struggling with this demon. Can you just climb into bed now and get some sleep? Honey, you aren't a loser. You are a wonderful person with the same problem that we have all suffered from. Tomorrow will be a new day, and you will try again. Get some rest now. It will be better tomorrow.

goose333

Javamama,
You are not a loser! You have a disease. I'm just starting out on this journey to stay sober. I felt like a loser and so ashamed. Then I read Under the Influence: A Guide to the Myths and Realities of Alcoholism and it explained to me that it is a disease and if only my body processed the alcohol slightly different, I would be ok.
Hang in there. You are NOT a loser.
Goose

javamama

Thank u all for the kind words. I dont deserve them. I met with my sponsor today and went to an AA meeting. My husband is always home with the kids while im up at night drinking. It how I used to justify my drinking. I need help, and its up to me to accept help and not pick up that first drink. I dont know how I got here. I don't know how this creeped up on me. Im very sick though and need to start thinking of my health. I dont want to die..my children need me. I think I have hit my low. Im so sick and anxious and depressed today. I have just been crying all day. Asking for forgivness. I will do anything in my power to stay sober. I need to. This is life and death.

Dee74

I'm not better than you JM - none of us are - we're just at different points on the same journey

change is key I think - if you want change - *really* want change - then you need to make changes - right now, today.

D

foolsgold66

You can change this javamama. Put the guilt away and get into the now. We're all pulling for you.

lorelei

hello javamama, you're a poorlymama don't give up giving up, yes this is very serious but it can be done, and we are all in this with you x

Ladybug2

Hi javamama, we were in the April class together and I have struggled too, have had many slips, but am now on Day 40. I have a 3 year old daughter who needs me, just like your 3 kids need you. Get some sleep and make tomorrow your last Day 1. If I can do this so can you!! It is so worth it. We just need to stay away from that first drink. Pulling for you

jaynie04

Dee mentioned rehab. I am a mom too and I decided myself that I would go to an inpatient facility for 30 days. It was difficult to deal with the logistics but it was worth it. I drank at home too. I'm 48 and I knew it wasn't going to get better.

If it is an option for you I can't recommend it enough. It was a clean break from my daily habit. It was intense and saturating, but I feel like it gave me the jump start I needed.

I have one daughter who is eight. I will never get the chance to raise her again. I don't want to wake up 10 years from now and be filled with regret that I wasn't there for her. It sounds very much like you love your children. There are a lot of recovery options out there, I really hope that you pursue one that feels right for you.

ZeldaFan

Javamama, first off you ARE NOT a loser! Those emotions were probably the alcohol talking and controlling your brain as it so likes to do. As others have said, you are dealing with a disease and a very powerful one at that. Hopefully a new day will bring a new clarity and a new start towards sobriety. I can only echo what everyone else has said above and send you the best wishes I possibly can to get you to a good place. Don't let a slip stop you from continuing your fight for sobriety. We are all here as your support.

mandymarie22

from mother to mother, i hear you and relate to you. Please know you are not alone. I am so very thankful for stumbling upon this site. this is exactly what we all need. SUPPORT WITHOUT JUDGEMENT

LillianGish

Javamama,
When you say it's a matter of life and death...I believe you. This disease will kill you and anyone else who dances with the Devil.

I will say a prayer for you and your family tonight. Don't give up...never, ever.

Mountainmanbob

joygirl

Javamama, I'm a mom, too. Being addicted doesn't mean you don't matter to your children. Of course you matter to them. You need to matter to yourself. You certainly matter to us, to a lot of people here! No matter what the alcohol tells you, you are loved and capable of love. You deserve love, and life. Sobriety is a beautiful thing.

longbeachone

Hi Javamama, This will come off as tough love, but I think it's time for you to stop feeling sorry for yourself.

Let's change the scenario for a minute. Let's say that you want to lose twenty pounds. You devise a plan, then work to follow through. You choose a diet to follow. You put together a support system. When you lose a few pounds, you feel great, your plan is working. When you cheat, eat a big bowl of ice cream and gain a few pounds, do you fall to pieces? Moan and cry about what a big idiot you are, whine that you'll never, ever be able to lose weight, it's just too hard? Throw up your hands, quit and start stuffing your face?

I hope not. Relapse is a part of recovery in the same way cheating is a part of dieting. If you do it, it's a setback, you should feel annoyed at yourself because you are taking longer than you should to achieve your goal, but dissolving into hysterics isn't going to make the weight come off any faster, or make you sober any quicker. See your setback for what it is...a bump in the road. The faster you can dissect what you did wrong and try to learn from the mistake, the faster you'll be back on your horse, moving forward. Beating yourself up is counterproductive and can derail your master plan.

Like the song says, Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start all over again. What's done is done, you can't change it now, so aside from acknowledging the error of your ways and figuring a strategy to avoid doing the same in the future, don't dwell on it anymore. Keep your eyes on the prize Javamama!