SADLY

My wife is an alcoholic as are both her parents. We have a ten year old daughter and the alcoholism has damaged our family life. My wife was abstinent for a few months until a month or so ago when she decided that she could drink responsibly and occasionally. No surprise she is now back to drinking every day, mostly by herself. Is it possible for alcoholics to drink responsibly?

My wife grew up with alcoholic parents and associates any social activity with alcohol. I no longer drink alcohol at all to try to show her that a good life is possible without alcohol.

Can anyone please offer me any advice on how to help my wife?

Dee74

Hi sadly

I'm sorry for your situation but I know you'll find support here
I hope you'll also check out our Family and Friends forum too,

I don't believe it's possible for drinkers like me to drink responsibly, no.
Does she show any signs of wanting to stop?

D

ZeldaFan

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Be sure to stick around here as I'm sure many people will be able to offer you some great advice / assistance. For me, I cannot drink responsibly / in moderation at all. That is why I made the decision to cut it out entirely.

Pondlady

Welcome Sadly,
I think it's hard to help someone stop drinking unless they want to stop. Did your wife feel better when she stopped for a few months? Maybe you could share your positive observations from when she stopped.

You'll find lots of support here.

SADLY

Many thanks for the replies.

My wife felt much better in her period of abstinence. She lost lots of weight, looked way healthier and was much happier. She started drinking again at a party hosted by her parents who live in another country. She has never once been able to abstain in their presence - they view non-drinkers as abnormal. I am very concerned about her short and long term health (her mother has alcohol-induced dementia). My daughter is young but is already well aware of the problem and shares my worries. It took a major effort by me to convince my wife to abstain for a few months and I am very proud of her ability to do so. However, she is convinced that she can drink responsibly and I really do not believe that she can. What started with one large glass of wine on special days has quickly become drinking every day with gradually higher amounts. I guess that I must convince her that a long term period of abstinence is the only way forward.

Anna

I'm sorry for your situation.

I don't know if you will be able to convince your wife to stop drinking for good. She will have to decide that herself in order for it to work. Please check out AlAnon as a support for yourself, as well as our Friends & Family forum.

SADLY

Anna,

I believe that you are right. It makes me very sad to see the tricks that my wife adopts to justify and hide drinking. Arranging work nights out, staying with old friends, visiting her parents without myself and my daughter, arranging weekends away for myself and my daughter, always ensuring that a new bottle is opened and in the fridge at the end of an evening. I guess it's all the normal stuff but it's tough to watch.

I dread just starting the discussion again.

Hevyn

Welcome Sadly. I hope it will give you some comfort to discuss your situation here and on our Friends & Family Forum (as Dee suggested). I think it helps so much to not be alone with it.

I've been on both sides of this thing. Tried once to help an alcoholic husband, and then I became dependent on it. For me, I had to become aware myself of the damage it was doing to me & my family. There wasn't much anyone could say to convince me. I don't want to sound discouraging. Are there any Al-Anon meetings in your area?

I hope you'll keep posting. We care and want to help.

least

Welcome to SR! I'm glad you joined us tho sorry for the circumstances that brought you here. It's true that your wife has to want recovery for herself before she can live sober. But you can set some boundaries to minimize the damage her drinking is doing to your family.


Do take a look at the friends and family forum. Lots of good advice there.

wiscsober

I am so sorry.....no...

DisplacedGRITS

I'm so sorry. I'm an alcoholic wife but no kids (due to my drinking). My husband quit 3 or 4 years ago because of what it was doing to me. He just quit liking it because alcohol had become The Enemy. I'm on board with him even though i'm still struggling. She has to come to want it for herself. I eventually gave up and started going to AA because i couldn't just lean on him for support. Even though he's wonderful, he's not an alcoholic. He's not in recovery. He just quit drinking but that wasn't enough for me. You can give her a bottom line but rehab alone isn't the solution. The solution is in the aftercare. I hope she comes to want it. Life's a lot easier on this side.

SADLY

Thanks again for all the posts.

I am still trying to get my wife to see the benefits of changing but her drinking is almost instinct. As a result of her upbringing she automatically associates any social contact with drinking. That's what her parents taught her and it is very difficult to change that basic behaviour pattern after 46 years. As soon as her period of abstinence ended I have just seen a steady increase in alcohol consumption until it's back where it was before.

lorelei

Hi sadly, it is about changing your mindset, disassociating drink from certain activities, but that can only be done if she really wants it, don't try and be strong all by yourself, get yourself some support and look after you as well, tc x

instant

It is possibile to change what seems unchangeable and learn a new way. Humans can be very adaptable when they put their mind to it. It was very hard for me to see I was addicted as I still had a job etc. I wish you all the best, it might be helpful for your daughter to have some counselling about the situation?

happyhour

sadly, you seem like you are doing what you can do to be supportive, you yourself not drinking and giving her a reason to stumble, you deserve praise for that.

unfortunately the words "alcoholic" and "drink responsibly" can't be used together. it has been tried over and over and over again. alcoholics have a short memory and they are also sick - so, they reason that this time will be different (counting drinks, changing drinks, starting after a certain hour, etc)

it usually ends up in the same place, which isn't good.

stick around here and ask questions of others, there are wonderful caring people on this site who struggle with EXACTLY what your wife is going through.

glad you posted.