Alcofribas

For the most part of the past two months I've been binging. I've done a lot of stupid things and things i don't remember. I've spent the little money i have on booze. I've spent nearly all of my days off doing nothing but drinking, and I've even secretly drank at work on two occasions which has effected my productivity of course. I've become a kind of stranger to my wife who never knows how to deal with my being wasted every time she comes home or out at a part bc I'm embarrassed to be drunk at home. I'm a musician, or at least, i want to be but am not in reality since i flush all my time down the toilet.

The thing is, i really love being sober. It feels so much better, like I'm able to be who I truly want to be. But right now it feels like i can't do it. Like I'm really not able to stop drinking. And I'm really afraid of this. What if this is the end? What if I'm not strong enough and this stupid addiction is just going to consume my life and one day I'm going to be black out drunk and fall down some stairs or something.

I feel really ashamed of myself. I'm 31 years old. And I really feel like the most effort I've put into anything in my whole life is drinking. That's pathetic.

Can I be sober? I feel like it's truly possible that the answer is no. And that is really freaking me out.

I'm sorry for the depressing thread, i really would rather be trying to uplift the community here. But I'm in a dark spot and i figured you all would understand.

For those being sober: you're an inspiration, truly. For those caught in the cycle of addiction: i feel your pain.

I feel so bad right now.

doggonecarl

Can you be? Yes. But your addiction is doing its best to convince you otherwise.

Humans, by nature, seek the path of less resistance. For addict and alcholics, that path is to continue using and drinking. It is not easy to give up the comfort of what we know (drinking), even when we know it is in our best interest to do so.

If you've been struggling for a while to get sober, maybe SR isn't enough. Maybe you need the support and accountability of face-to-face support.

If you truly want sobriety, you have to do something about it. Quitting drinking is a great start. Getting a plan together to stay quit is the next logical step.

Good luck.

AugustWest11

Hey Now; Being a musician You should respect this; I don't normally post video\pic links But maybe this is something you need to see .. My man Jerry was Battling his whole life w\ addiction; and sadly you know the outcome this has always brought me to tears & still does; But it is also an inspiration of where I want to be .. Take that leap; I know it is tough but we HAVE to do it being who we are ... It brings me to tears every time I watch it b\c sadly he knew; he always knew his addiction would get him
Grateful Dead - So Many Roads (complete) - 7/9/95 - YouTube

Alcofribas

Thanks for the responses. It feels good to be heard.

I've been to AA before, and it was a good support. Perhaps it's time to go again. I think I might look to see if there's a late night option for after work tonight.

One of the hardest parts about this experience is just how sobriety feels so fragile and vulnerable. I wish so bad sobriety was as thorough as addiction.

doggonecarl

Early sobriety is fragile and vulnerable. That's why you muster all your defenses and support to get through that fragile part. And it doesn't take as long as you think. You just have to push past those points where in the past you've given up and drank.

Stay strong.

Alcofribas

Thank you.

I know I've said it on this forum before but I really want to get sober. I hate drinking and what I am when I drink. So, I'm going to commit to it for real.

I'm sorry for making such a noobie thread.

lorelei

Hey alcofribas,
Don't apologise for talking about how you're feeling, I know that feeling of loving sobriety yet still craving a drink, I suppose if you balance the scales, one will come out the one you want more.... we are all on the same journey so lets walk it together eh? L x

MTD

The road to recovery is very hard but the road to alcoholism is the road to destruction. You have been given a wonderful gift called life. When you realized that you are wasting this gift you will know what needs to be done to appreciate this life. Stay strong and the longer between you and that last drink the more you will see clearly.

AlefVavResh

The addict voice is messing with your head. You need to beat it down. . .

Understand the psychological ramifications of putting out the words - "I feel it's truly possible" - meaning that you believe it is truly possible you'll never be sober. If you truly believe that it is truly possible then you are more than halfway to making that horrible possibility a reality.

I just stumbled into this video a couple of days ago. It blew me away. I think you should watch it and revisit the concept of "truly possible".

No Arms No Legs No Worries

Let me know what you think.

jaynie04

I was at the grocery store yesterday and I thought "one out of every 10 of us is battling addiction". Having other people who understand how difficult this is has been really important to me in early sobriety. Getting a few days under your belt is huge....and the peeps here understand what an accomplishment it is.

Being in my head too much can be dangerous, it definitely helps to have others who are struggling too to commiserate with. Being in my head alone means I'm behind enemy lines.

Dee74

You can be sober - I don't believe it's beyond anyone to get and stay sober.

I think tho that if you keep drinking, you're simply not doing enough for your recovery?

You clearly want to be sober or you would not be here

Can you think of things to add - more support? more changes to your life?

How much do you want to be sober? are you prepared to do more, to do whatever it takes?

those are the kinds of questions you need to ask yourself.

D

Soberpotamus

Yes, you can do it! We are all here on SR to get support from one another. Face to face helps greatly too, if that is what you need.

I know it feels fragile and vulnerable early on, but all it takes is a commitment and a follow-through. Just focus on today. It won't always feel like this.

Alcofribas

Yeah you're right. I need to step up and work harder at this. One problem is that I'm often alone, my wife and I have usually very different schedules and I don't really have friends who live in town. So it's really easy for me to get away with since there's nobody there to kicK my butt. I need to be more vigilant and focused.

Dee74

I had to take responsibility for my own recovery and learn to kick my own butt.
It wasn't easy - in many ways I was still 18yo in my head - but I had a lot of support here

you can do it too alcofribas

D

Anna

Yes, you can be sober and it sounds like you're starting to realize that. It is ultimately up to you to make it happen. We do understand how hard this is, so please know that you have our support.