Acheleus

I feel like I am fading away. The medications for anxiety and depression made me feel forgetful and foggy-headed, so I am not taking them anymore. I will go to a GP and not a shrink and try to get something for anxiety that is not psych med. Sometimes I feel like I need to go to the hospital, I just feel so sick of being an alcoholic and my life is over. Every second today has been painful and I don't know what to do, I tried talking to my dad but I don't think he likes talking about this kind of stuff. At least when I drank I could feel happy for a few hours. I might just go have a cigarette and see if that makes me feel better. I just don't want to hate my life anymore. Sorry to complain but I feel like I need to go back home or leave school. But I can't give up. It's just so dark today and I guess it is because I quit the medication. Nothing matters to me right now, and i feel like I will never find something I can love and that makes me happy. I hate teaching, and I hate school right now, and I hate the people in my program because they all can drink and are not alcoholics like me. Being alone in this apartment is driving me crazy, and I am so embarrassed about being a drunken idiot and sharing things about my family with people in my program who will talk about me behind my back about my mom being in prison and then on disability, or my dad losing everything he owned, or my grandparents and one of my aunts killing themselves. I don't know what to do and I just want to leave this place because I am so embarrassed. Tonight I just want to go to a club and dance, drink beer, and talk to people. I'm tired of isolating and feeling like a crazy person who has no friends and no hope. I'm probably going to the hospital if I keep having these panic attacks. I keep pulling my hair out too. How in the hell can people be so calm and just live? I worry every second and I always have, I am sick of it.

Acheleus

I am going to play a video game or something and try to calm down.

RunningRaces

Hey man, hang in there. I've had a rough couple days myself lately and found I just needed to get out if my own head and read a book, go walk around somewhere etc and just change up my environment. Last fall I was on anti anxiety meds and stopped taking them because I felt like my mind was flat lined. I hope you find something that works. For me, I just try and stay busy and focus on the now. When my brain wheels start turning its not good so I try and keep other thoughts going.

quitforme79

My heart goes out to you Ach, it really does. I used to have panic attacks that were so severe I wished one would just kill me already. Medication didn't work for me (it made me very depressed, go figure) so I started going to therapy. And that helped A LOT. Just talking about it and learning positive coping skills really made all the difference. I admire you for your determination to stay sober even though it is difficult. You sound like a strong person and you do still have hope because you haven't given up just yet. So start telling yourself that---you are strong and deserve to be happy. I hope your Dr can help you with the anxiety, that's a very good place to start. I get awesome 3D support from my friends in AA. My family and friends I grew up with live in a different state so this has been crucial to my recovery. It only took a little time of me going to meetings to make some pretty good friendships. I wish you all the best, we are here for you! Remember that you are never alone

Dee74

This is a major problem for you Ach cos when you stop taking them you get depressed and gloomy and everything sucks...and that puts you one step closer to a drink.

Every med takes a while to settle in...and when you go on and off them common sense suggests the whole acclimatization process starts again.

You might find the side effects would abate if you gave the meds a chance, or you might find you may do better on another variety of med - but in any case I really think you need to speak to your Dr before you discontinue any meds, Ach.

D

AugustWest11

Ach buddy; I am on the same road as you; So I can fully relate A friend once told me "Your head is the hardest place you will ever have to be; So take time to get out of it..." So I agree W\ RR there .. Read Play that game whatever you need .. As for me I am better at giving advice then taking it :p

ImperfectlyMe

Perhaps a different psychiatrist along with some therapy. I have noticed you are dressed quite frequently, I'm so sorry for that. You may be feeling with major depression as apposed to regular depression. Call your GPs nurse tomorrow and get the dr. To give you several referrals for psych docs that have a practice that is focused on major depression/anxiety. I hope you can come to some peace soon!

Acheleus

I have been going to a student center and the shrinks there have like 60 patients or something. I am in a big university as a grad student. I have health insurance so I am going to find a gp in town and maybe someone that will work better. I have to find a GP first, I guess I will call around tomorrow before my classes. I tried to read earlier for class but I can't concentrate and I feel like I am going to throw up.

Dee74

Student centres are great but sometimes I think we need more than supervised postgrads, Ach.

I think finding a new GP is a terrific idea

D

Acheleus

I am not going to give up. I will get something to eat and then go for a walk. I hate living in such a boozy town where alcohol is everywhere. Maybe I am hungry.

ImperfectlyMe

Depression co

ImperfectlyMe

Opps sorry
Depression outlook and coping is different than the strategy for coping with alcohol!

With depression we need to focus on the future and try and look past today. Knowing that the feeling will end. Whereas with alcohol we sometimes need to think one day at a time.

I really hope you can get a great doctor for your depression. The good ones are ok the bad ones are horrific but the GREAT ones can facilitate you being able to live in a peaceful mental state. I know you're not going to give up because I see you here almost everyday! Keep fighting and try to laugh HUG

Nuudawn

Gosh, I just don't know what to say hun. It DOES seem like you are unable to give anything much of a chance. I do believe that there is like a couple week period of adjustment on med's. I know I was a bit ditzy on wellbutrin for a bit...but it passed. I read something the other day in Caroline Knapp's book that really struck a major chord with me. So much so..I had to jot it down in my sobriety journal.

"Self pity triggers my craving for alcohol more than any other emotion". That is so true for me. When I am feeling lonely and bitter about things..that is precisely when I want to escape into alcohol the most. Today I thought about wine too...and I realized I am "bone tired" from working too much this weekend. So tonight I will stay home and take care of myself and all will be better in the morning.

You are all over the place my friend. What is happening with AA? You're not talking bout it too much? Have you been going to meetings? You talk more about people and social things with people from your program..than anything going on in AA. Have you not connected with anyone there?

Acheleus

No they are all old and they look at me like I do not belong there.

Nuudawn

Well..they might be old...like me : ) But that part about them looking at you like you don't belong there...is "coming from you". That is your dark perception.

Do you know it's true? Do you know that for an absolute fact? How would you feel if you did not believe that? What would it change?

You really have to find a way to stop feeling like everybody hates or dislikes you or thinks you don't belong ...that belief is your undoing.

Sally3127

You need to give your meds a chance and AA a chance. I find it hard to believe that people think you don't belong there. Find a GP, get on a good medication and give it some time. I'm sorry you are feeling so bad. We are all pulling for you.

Acheleus

I can't do this recovery stuff and be in grad school at the same time. Grad school takes up all of my time, and I feel like I am losing my mind. I will go back to meetings, but godamn I hate being who I am I just want to be a normal person. I will try not to think that everyone hates me.

ScottFromWI

You are a normal person. You just have issues to deal with, just like the rest if us Ach. The difference right now is that you are falling back into self-pity mode, partly because you once again have gone against the recommendations of all those trying to help you.

You know you can do sobriety and school because you have already done it, and successfully at that. So get back to the doc, get those meds back online and move forward.

Plenny

It is really tough to get out of those negative thinking patterns, but it is you yourself that is perpetuating them for sure. One of my very best friends used to repeat this kind of stuff constantly and it was masochistic. It broke him down and made everything in his life harder. He started changing the words he used to describe himself in his head because he realized what a negative mantra it had become. It's so hard to know how to stop feeling that way, and I know from experience, as I posted on your thread last night, but one of the concrete tools you can use is just being plain old fed up! And demanding that you get to feel better just like everyone else is entitled to. Because you are too. So glad you're going to a GP. You're in a good spot having insurance and everything... not everyone has that
And you say you can't do grad school and be in treatment, but could you do grad school without it??
Hang in there buddy

Acheleus

Went for a drive. Very nervous and kind of having panic attacks. Trying to read for class but I have so much to read.