Working through the guilt...
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Working through the guilt...
I know guilt is a wasted emotion. I know I did the best I could with the knowledge and tools I had but.....some one please tell me how to not feel it.
I wonder if by staying - did I keep him sick?
I wonder if I stayed for him or was it really for me?
I wonder if he will be truly hurt or just needs me to protect his addiction?
I wonder what will happen to him and how I will feel about it?
I wonder if the would of, should of, could of's will haunt me?
He is saying all the things a wife of an addict (codie) wants to hear. But I have heard them before. I wonder is he sincere this time or is he just manipulating me again.
I guess none of matters now, I have made my decision. It's time for me to fly and take care of me. The fear is gone, the obligation has been erased, however the guilt is hanging around, poking at me.
I can remember reading similar posts and having objectivity. Yet, I am struggling with it for myself. Funny how that works.
Lastly, I wonder....does he really feel guilt? He is promising to go on Naltroxone for life but I don't trust him. He just needs to stop taking it one day and the cycle continues. He is pleading for another chance but I don't feel like I have another one to give. Would it really be different? My heart tells me no but the Codie in me thinks....what would one more chance hurt??? I so desperately wanted and waited for him to be the person I thought he was. I desperately wanted him to repair the damage he caused. I guess, I was still looking outside of me for my happiness and security.
I know time will reveal more but its all still so confusing for me.
.
I wonder if by staying - did I keep him sick?
I wonder if I stayed for him or was it really for me?
I wonder if he will be truly hurt or just needs me to protect his addiction?
I wonder what will happen to him and how I will feel about it?
I wonder if the would of, should of, could of's will haunt me?
He is saying all the things a wife of an addict (codie) wants to hear. But I have heard them before. I wonder is he sincere this time or is he just manipulating me again.
I guess none of matters now, I have made my decision. It's time for me to fly and take care of me. The fear is gone, the obligation has been erased, however the guilt is hanging around, poking at me.
I can remember reading similar posts and having objectivity. Yet, I am struggling with it for myself. Funny how that works.
Lastly, I wonder....does he really feel guilt? He is promising to go on Naltroxone for life but I don't trust him. He just needs to stop taking it one day and the cycle continues. He is pleading for another chance but I don't feel like I have another one to give. Would it really be different? My heart tells me no but the Codie in me thinks....what would one more chance hurt??? I so desperately wanted and waited for him to be the person I thought he was. I desperately wanted him to repair the damage he caused. I guess, I was still looking outside of me for my happiness and security.
I know time will reveal more but its all still so confusing for me.
.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: PM me....
Posts: 468
You are OUT
If you go back..other than to get your things...he will own your a**
If you go back.....it is ALOT harder to leave again
Sit back and watch from a safe distance if you have to....
But above all else.....get yer butt walkin in the sand there girl....enjoy the ocean....
and when in doubt....check my avatar...
If you go back..other than to get your things...he will own your a**
If you go back.....it is ALOT harder to leave again
Sit back and watch from a safe distance if you have to....
But above all else.....get yer butt walkin in the sand there girl....enjoy the ocean....
and when in doubt....check my avatar...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
this is part of the Dance....and it tugs at you because it is so familiar....yes sure, you COULD do the one more chance thing, and ride HIGH on HOPE...for awhile. but what is that hope really? hope that HE will change and then YOUR life will be wonderful.
but it's not about what he CAN or CAN'T do anymore....is it? its about what YOU can do........for you. give YOURSELF a chance. a chance that isn't hinged on somebody else's addiction.
he said the SAME things he said before....he'll do this and he'll do that and blah blah blah. talk is cheap. sad that he can't see how any of this has affected YOU and say, ya know what babe, I get it, you've had enough and I want you to go live a happy life. nope everything he promised was STILL centered around......drugs. he isn't DONE yet.
but it's not about what he CAN or CAN'T do anymore....is it? its about what YOU can do........for you. give YOURSELF a chance. a chance that isn't hinged on somebody else's addiction.
he said the SAME things he said before....he'll do this and he'll do that and blah blah blah. talk is cheap. sad that he can't see how any of this has affected YOU and say, ya know what babe, I get it, you've had enough and I want you to go live a happy life. nope everything he promised was STILL centered around......drugs. he isn't DONE yet.
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
this is part of the Dance....and it tugs at you because it is so familiar....yes sure, you COULD do the one more chance thing, and ride HIGH on HOPE...for awhile. but what is that hope really? hope that HE will change and then YOUR life will be wonderful.
but it's not about what he CAN or CAN'T do anymore....is it? its about what YOU can do........for you. give YOURSELF a chance. a chance that isn't hinged on somebody else's addiction.
he said the SAME things he said before....he'll do this and he'll do that and blah blah blah. talk is cheap. sad that he can't see how any of this has affected YOU and say, ya know what babe, I get it, you've had enough and I want you to go live a happy life. nope everything he promised was STILL centered around......drugs. he isn't DONE yet.
but it's not about what he CAN or CAN'T do anymore....is it? its about what YOU can do........for you. give YOURSELF a chance. a chance that isn't hinged on somebody else's addiction.
he said the SAME things he said before....he'll do this and he'll do that and blah blah blah. talk is cheap. sad that he can't see how any of this has affected YOU and say, ya know what babe, I get it, you've had enough and I want you to go live a happy life. nope everything he promised was STILL centered around......drugs. he isn't DONE yet.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Recognizing that guilt has a purpose......to get us to do something we should do or keep us from doing what we shouldn't do. Guilt does not have a useful purpose beyond that. It becomes a stale emotional reaction keeping us....stuck. Residing in guilt isn't effective.
You can't change the past. You can't predict the future. You have NOW. And right NOW it's ok to take care of you. He's a big boy. He CAN take care of himself. He CAN move forward if he chooses to do so......and so CAN you.....if you chose to do so.
This doesn't have to be an antagonistic situation.......when I divorced my XAH, I was still so stuck in the dance. Even though I left him, I didn't control my actions or reactions. It become contentious. That was because there were two of us "playing". I didn't know any better.
You're smart, LMN. And you have so much more in your "tool bag" than I had at 25. I was ignorant about addiction and codependence.
One day at a time applies to us as much as it applies to them........and yes.....time will reveal more so there's no sense in letting that stuff occupy space in your brain. This is where letting go and letting God really comes in.......
lots of gentle hugs
ke
You can't change the past. You can't predict the future. You have NOW. And right NOW it's ok to take care of you. He's a big boy. He CAN take care of himself. He CAN move forward if he chooses to do so......and so CAN you.....if you chose to do so.
This doesn't have to be an antagonistic situation.......when I divorced my XAH, I was still so stuck in the dance. Even though I left him, I didn't control my actions or reactions. It become contentious. That was because there were two of us "playing". I didn't know any better.
You're smart, LMN. And you have so much more in your "tool bag" than I had at 25. I was ignorant about addiction and codependence.
One day at a time applies to us as much as it applies to them........and yes.....time will reveal more so there's no sense in letting that stuff occupy space in your brain. This is where letting go and letting God really comes in.......
lots of gentle hugs
ke
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Anvil said it well, it's the dance we all keep showing up to thinking the music will change and the song will be happier.
Maybe let his actions tell you how sincere he is. Maybe let time show you how this will unfold. Maybe take time yourself to heal and think clearly.
If you do go back, and it's okay to decide to, let it be a decision that is good for you, not based on guilt or what he says is good for him. What's good for him is to stop using drugs. People do it every day, some more successfully than others, but it can be done and it is the only way to get healthy again.
If you choose to take time and leave space between you, it will give you a clarity that is hard to find when the wounds are still fresh.
No more what if's, the problem is one he created and only he can create the solution. You, and most of us codies, are simply spectators who get splattered when we sit in the front row seat.
Hugs and Hugs from my heart to yours. I know this stinks but it won't always.
Maybe let his actions tell you how sincere he is. Maybe let time show you how this will unfold. Maybe take time yourself to heal and think clearly.
If you do go back, and it's okay to decide to, let it be a decision that is good for you, not based on guilt or what he says is good for him. What's good for him is to stop using drugs. People do it every day, some more successfully than others, but it can be done and it is the only way to get healthy again.
If you choose to take time and leave space between you, it will give you a clarity that is hard to find when the wounds are still fresh.
No more what if's, the problem is one he created and only he can create the solution. You, and most of us codies, are simply spectators who get splattered when we sit in the front row seat.
Hugs and Hugs from my heart to yours. I know this stinks but it won't always.
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
A little earlier, I gave myself permission NOT to think about any of this today and just enjoy the day, free from my problems. I am not going to talk about, think about or read his texts. I guess I was so self involved, I forget to tell all of you. 
Thank you all for your thoughtful post though.
Thank you all for your thoughtful post though.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
A break from it all sounds like a great idea. I know for me, the more I think or focus on something, the more scattered I feel. However, when I step back and stop trying to think about it, the answers come to me. Funny how that works!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Buenos Aires, Argentina
Posts: 124
I'm 5 months into my break with my ex-partner and only recently did I begin to feel that I cannot help him -- I mean, only recently did I start to understand that whenever I said/thought "I cannot help him" in the past, I was really saying, "No matter what I did, no matter how hard I tried, my help did nothing to get him on the right track." <–––– That's me still negotiating, still thinking that I have power over others, thinking that his problem was so grave that EVEN I could not help him. [I've written this in another thread, but "Mi soberbio" translates to "My hubris," which is another way of saying that I put myself in the place of God sometimes.]
I am beginning to really feel powerless (in the sense of changing him) now, and it's the most truthful I've ever lived. It brings me great peace, actually, and helps me love him (from afar) rather than blame/hate him. It has also helped me get in touch with my true power, my creative energy, my relationship with life itself. When I turn my focus outwards and try to exert my power, I show that I can be a fool sometimes, but when my focus is turned inwards, THERE I find that I am very powerful.
Your husband has his own path -- he always has in the past, and he always will in the future. You've been a part of his path, and he's been a part of yours, but things are changing now. We cannot stop change, so it's best to accept and work with it, rather than push against it [I've got the emotional scars to show how much I've pushed back against change throughout my whole life.] I can imagine your fear and confusion now, and I just want to say that with time you'll begin to let go of those feelings.
In my Nar-Anon groups here in Argentina, we say that we need to "make friends with Time." I appreciate that, because it goes much further than saying "Time heals all wounds." We need to stop fighting processes, stop being impulsive, stop demanding that things happen when and how we want them to. We are powerless over just about everything imaginable, except our own choices.
Sending you hugs....
I am beginning to really feel powerless (in the sense of changing him) now, and it's the most truthful I've ever lived. It brings me great peace, actually, and helps me love him (from afar) rather than blame/hate him. It has also helped me get in touch with my true power, my creative energy, my relationship with life itself. When I turn my focus outwards and try to exert my power, I show that I can be a fool sometimes, but when my focus is turned inwards, THERE I find that I am very powerful.
Your husband has his own path -- he always has in the past, and he always will in the future. You've been a part of his path, and he's been a part of yours, but things are changing now. We cannot stop change, so it's best to accept and work with it, rather than push against it [I've got the emotional scars to show how much I've pushed back against change throughout my whole life.] I can imagine your fear and confusion now, and I just want to say that with time you'll begin to let go of those feelings.
In my Nar-Anon groups here in Argentina, we say that we need to "make friends with Time." I appreciate that, because it goes much further than saying "Time heals all wounds." We need to stop fighting processes, stop being impulsive, stop demanding that things happen when and how we want them to. We are powerless over just about everything imaginable, except our own choices.
Sending you hugs....
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 311
Hey LMN- I hope you find some space and freedom to "love you now." You deserve a break. I have come to realize that going in circles processing the same thing over and over, has done nothing but leave me exhausted, emotionally drained, irritable, and more confused- inevitably placing me right back in the lion's mouth. I think words, as much as I love them, might be overrated and sometimes invite more hurt and pain. It seems like over thinking this stuff feeds the cycle. I am not sure what the antidote is to over thinking, and if you find it let me know. I do believe the only way to get past the pain is to go right through it. In the brilliant words of Rumi- "the wound is where the light enters." Sending prayers. You will make it through this.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 565
Originally Posted by MiSoberbio
I am beginning to really feel powerless (in the sense of changing him) now, and it's the most truthful I've ever lived. It brings me great peace, actually, and helps me love him (from afar) rather than blame/hate him. It has also helped me get in touch with my true power, my creative energy, my relationship with life itself. When I turn my focus outwards and try to exert my power, I show that I can be a fool sometimes, but when my focus is turned inwards, THERE I find that I am very powerful.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 628
I think we need to distinguish between compassion & pity. The former is active, the latter passive. You can be compassionate and help him from afar. But guilt to me seems like pity, which will lead you back into the trap of addiction.
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