jazzfish

As I start today, I am still at day 1 and my ever increasing post count has just passed 470 posts. I need to apologize to SR because I am full of ****.

I post seeming to relate experience that I don’t have. I post as if I am accumulating sobriety I don’t have. I post on topics that are irrelevant to my sobriety. I post when drinking. I post with an antagonistic tone as I sink into a phase of increasing frustration with my lack of progress. I'm sorry for all that.

It is time for me to stop posting and start listening and doing. I need to cultivate the humility necessary to accept reality and do what is needed.
Feeling down today, but I needed to get this off my chest. I will still be around absorbing the support and wisdom, but posting much, much less. Thanks to all.

ZoeM

Jazzfish - that took some ballz to post - proud of ya!!

alphaomega

Every day one is more field research and therefore more experience.

What a beautifully honest and self reflective place you are in.

My two cents ? Heed some of your own advice...

mecanix

Hey jazzfish ,
Don't dissapear into isolation eh ?

I think we all post our own share of toe curlers , i certainly do when i look back sometimes ..

Bestwishes, m

Missy7

I love this post Jazzfish. And with far more posts, I have not gotten much further than you....just a lot of field research.

I do think we are both turning a corner though. I'm going to do formal real world work on my alcoholism. How about you?

james872

Thanks for being honest and don't worry about it. We all make mistakes. Learn from it and move on.

Keep posting if you need to, keeping the honesty. Your goal is to get sober and I think it's not about posting less, it's about posting in a way that is beneficial for you.

I really don't care that you did what you did in the past. That's over now, let's move on!

Pamel

jazzfish, they are all "day 1". No promises, just a commitment not to drink today,

Good post BTW!

jazzfish

I'm not sure what I'll do. What do you mean by "formal real world work"?

Nattythreads

Hey mate

It's not a sprint this, it's a marathon. You just keep plugging away.

Over my years of addiction I've held a million different views on the "right" way to live sober - some strident, some completely without merit, some with a kernel of truth.

It's an intensely personal journey this and along the way if you're lucky you pick up bits and pieces that work for you and then the whole thing sort of coalesces. Or it seems to have done with me this time.

I've found that refusing to rule anything in or out and not dissecting stuff to the bone works well for me. My worst enemy over the years has undoubtedly been my brain.

There's a lot I dislike about NA/AA but they do come up with a number of truisms in amongst the grating cliches. One of those, "keep it simple," is something that has been of immense value to me.

Best of luck man and stick with it.

ImperfectlyMe

You're being honest with us which means you're being honest with you. No you need to get up and do it! We're here to catch you we've got your back!

susasober1

Great post!

All of us here have been full of Sh!t at one time or another...we all learn the hard way that honesty is the key...it took me umpteen tries to get sober...along the way I told some of my own toe curling lies! However, I did not find this board until after I finally got sober...I read a great post here last night. Someone wrote a letter to themselves beginning with "dear me"..."just for today"...etc. I think this is a great idea!!! It is something to think about doing every morning upon wakening.

Good luck and please do keep posting!

Serenity1972

Jazz there is no need to apologize. You are just being honest and that is commendable. I think you should keep posting if you find it beneficial in your recovery. If reading and absorbing will work better for you than do whatever it takes. Just remember to take it one minute at a time and one day at a time. Just focus on today.

Missy7

I'm going to do some sobriety reading, attend AA meetings and am considering an outpatient program. And by considering, I mean I have had a consultation and have looked into my insurance coverage. You?

Hevyn

Jazz - I was still drinking when I joined SR. I drank for about 5 mos. I was gathering my courage to stop - reading the posts & suggestions intently. I knew I was going to do it - I just didn't know exactly when. I'm glad you are here with us - don't feel that you are somehow unworthy of posting your experiences. It's helpful to you and to all of us.

Nuudawn

I accept your apology and do in fact, think there was a need for it. You misled others and you are being accountable for that now. Good for you! It's a good day Jazz : )

13unluckyforsom

Well done for being the bigger person.

Carlotta

Recovery starts with honesty This is a great first step and it took a lot of guts Jazzfish.
I hope you will keep on posting.

hayley86

Your honesty should serve you well in your quest for sobriety and recovery Jazzfish. It took courage to post this. Best of luck.

Dee74

It's a fine line between honesty and beating yourself up tho...

Your posts are not full of it....you obviously know what to do, intellectually...you just need to put that into action, Jazzfish.

What do you think is holding you back from a more permanent recovery?

D

jazzfish

I suppose there are a number of reasons. The three most prominent are:

1. I hate to ever close an option. I am extremely indecisive and I am always second guessing myself, so I find it near impossible to make a decision and commit to something.

2. People pleaser (sort of) - I assume people either prefer or expect me to drink and I seem to be unable to do something contrary to their expectations. Of course, I do this with absolutely no knowledge of what their actual expectations are.

3. I seem hardwired for self-sabotage. Anytime I seem to be getting it together, I somehow arrive at the choice to drink again and let all the progress slip away.

Those are my guesses.