Marcella99

Last Tuesday I took my last drink. It started with one glass of wine, said it would maybe be 2 and went completely downhill from there. I decided during that drunken haze that it was a good idea to send a mean text message to someone who absolutely didn't deserve it, shut my phone off and acted like it didn't happen.....except that it did. And this had become a bad pattern of mine during these times, which were now daily. Instead of dealing with all the anger I had inside at myself, I drank it away and then projected it on someone else either behind a text message or via email. The past few months had gotten so bad that I had completely isolated myself from everyone. I gained a lot of weight and lost any pride that I had left, which wasn't much. Well, last Tuesday was the last day I will ever go down that lonely, destructive path again. I woke up early Wednesday with guilt, shame, embarrassment and remorse- and of course had to read what I wrote. I can remember seeing the reflection of my bloated face in the toilet and reached the worst level of disgust with myself that I have ever experienced- and vow to never again.
Wednesday was day 1 for me, I'm now on day 5. It's not been easy, but even the worst of what I've experienced is better than any day of self loathing, disgust and humiliation that a hangover has brought me in the past, which had become EVERY day. i was a functioning alcoholic on the outside and a lost dying soul on the inside. I had completely given up on myself in every way- i lost who i was, how i looked and what i cared about- except for the next glass of wine to relieve the anxiety and shame that i was feeling every day.
The first 2 days I sweat uncontrollably. I have managed to go for long walks every day, which helps let me work out a lot of my feelings right now. I'm really tired everyday, having a hard time sleeping, but am eating healthy, taking B vitamins and drinking lots of fluids.
After 10+ years of social drinking that led to daily drinking that led to this hell that I have been stuck in for over a solid 4+ years, I am ready to believe in myself and love myself for the first time.
Thank you all for being supportive and helping me in this journey back to best person that I can be. I'm thankful that I have a second chance to start a new healthy, productive life

mecanix

hello and welcome Marcella ,

Day 5

m

Bruce292

Hello and Welcome.

I hear what you're saying about trying to drink away anger. The drinking never heals the hurt and anger it just buries it for a little while. Sometimes it suddenly magnifies it. Until I got sober the idea of resolving my issues and anger seemed impossible. I'm realizing now that's not true. My drinking (and drug use) had twisted my thinking and I started to believe I was justified in feeding the demons that were ripping me up.

Thank you for your post. Keep posting. Be strong and hang in there.

deeker

Hi Marcella, Stop by the 24 Hour club or join the class of August 2013. You'll find lotsa support on August class. People in early sobriety just like you.
24 club is a sign up sheet. Check it out!

Marcella99

Thanks mecanix and Bruce 292. I'm so grateful for the support. I can't wait to feel good again and will continue to read this site daily. It's a great network for motivation and support without the shame of labeling yourself and feeling broken.

Marcella99

Thank you deeker, I will check it out !

HeadLump

Hi Marcella and welcome. Congratulations on 5 days - that's brilliant! You're on your way to a whole new you. I know it's a cliche, but it really does get easier. For me, those first few days were sooo long and every minute seemed a battle, but I gradually found time speeding up, and the physical and psychological benefits of stringing those weeks together were incredibly motivating.

You'll find excellent support and many many wise words on this forum. Great decision to join!

tootsl1

Marcella, you have made a great start, by being completely honest with yourself about your drinking and your reasons for it. Keep posting here and checking out different threads, and I wish you well

not2late

Hi marcella
that was my mother's name. I know what you are going through. I didn't have a sober weekend but I'm not giving up. Over the past 7 days I drank 2 not 7. I'm not proud because it wasn't perfect but its better then I've been for many years. _

Hevyn

Welcome Marcella. You sound determined. You found a great place for encouragement as you start your journey. 5 days is wonderful - you can do this!

Marcella99

Thank you everyone for your kind words. I just logged back in and saw your kind replies. So glad to be a part of this community

Dee74

way to go on day 5 Marcella

D

betterlate

How very eloquent and direct your writing on your feelings upon deciding to quit. Thank you!