Moving My Story From Newcomer to F&F
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: On my life path
Posts: 32
Moving My Story From Newcomer to F&F
My brother is an alcoholic with a gambling addiction and has been for many many years. His family (wife and children) have lived a challenging and difficult life. He has had several DUIs. Thankfully there must have been many guardian angels on duty on the many days and nights that he has driven while under the influence as he has not hurt or killed anyone on those occasions. Financially well you can imagine the debt load.
As a family we've attempted through the help/counsel of the Alcoholism Foundation to encourage him to get the help he needs to get well and live a healthier, happier life and some of us, myself included have participated in programs to help friends and family learn and live healthier, happier lives with an addict. I highly recommend them!
Next month it will be a year when my brother's reign of alcoholism and gambler's delight in his home began to crumble and that was triggered by another member of our family being killed by a drunk driver. It was an awful awful tragedy. One that we all thought may be what finally inspires him to get the help he needs. It didn't. Instead about a month later he went into a drunken rage was removed by police from his home & charged with assault. A "no contact" condition was then put into place along with conditions to participate in counseling and treatment programs.
His behavior has angered, frustrated, and disgusted all of the family. Here we are grieving the loss of someone abruptly taken by someone with the same sickness as my brother's and he can't see it or chooses not to see it as the same.
The recovery for him, for all of us will be a long one.
Life has continued. Work, celebrations, travel, other losses, along with simple day-to-day life stuff however they have been somewhat complicated by this situation because not everyone in the family agrees on how we manage/include/not include my brother particularly in those events that are to be filled with family. Which is what brought me to this site (what a gift it is) to ask how others have gone about managing/including/not including the addict in those events that are typically family filled.
For myself I feel the answer is, whatever the reason is for us getting together as a family it ought not be organized around how the addict feels about seeing other family members who are angry with his actions and what he has made of his life.
Would appreciate your thoughts and thank you for taking the time to read my story and sharing your thoughts!
As a family we've attempted through the help/counsel of the Alcoholism Foundation to encourage him to get the help he needs to get well and live a healthier, happier life and some of us, myself included have participated in programs to help friends and family learn and live healthier, happier lives with an addict. I highly recommend them!
Next month it will be a year when my brother's reign of alcoholism and gambler's delight in his home began to crumble and that was triggered by another member of our family being killed by a drunk driver. It was an awful awful tragedy. One that we all thought may be what finally inspires him to get the help he needs. It didn't. Instead about a month later he went into a drunken rage was removed by police from his home & charged with assault. A "no contact" condition was then put into place along with conditions to participate in counseling and treatment programs.
His behavior has angered, frustrated, and disgusted all of the family. Here we are grieving the loss of someone abruptly taken by someone with the same sickness as my brother's and he can't see it or chooses not to see it as the same.
The recovery for him, for all of us will be a long one.
Life has continued. Work, celebrations, travel, other losses, along with simple day-to-day life stuff however they have been somewhat complicated by this situation because not everyone in the family agrees on how we manage/include/not include my brother particularly in those events that are to be filled with family. Which is what brought me to this site (what a gift it is) to ask how others have gone about managing/including/not including the addict in those events that are typically family filled.
For myself I feel the answer is, whatever the reason is for us getting together as a family it ought not be organized around how the addict feels about seeing other family members who are angry with his actions and what he has made of his life.
Would appreciate your thoughts and thank you for taking the time to read my story and sharing your thoughts!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
All I know for sure, active addicts cause drama, and chaos, and turmoil, and arguments.
Their brains are under the influence of a drug. They are not thinking clearly. They do not process in a normal way.
They are selfish, and they know it all.
They hold grudges, they play the victim, they LIE, they have zero respect for their extended families ( or anyone else)
All they want is their fix, and if you come between them and their drug of choice, they will take you out of the equation and probably not even remember doing it.
This disease can divide families.
Family members argue amongst themselves regarding "what to do" about the addict. The fact remains if the addict does not choose recovery for himself, there isn't a damn thing we can do to help. So we might as well save our breath, and avoid hard feelings.
For 5 years I observed XA cause so much pain for his family. Every family function ended with his loud, out of control, obnoxious mouth. They would just sweep it under the rug, until the next time, and he would do the same thing, and they would just act dumbfounded like they were seeing it for the first time.
Until I truly understood what this disease really is, I woke up many mornings in a WTF state.
We cannot control who extended family invites into their home. If you choose to include him, that's fine, but it's also ok that others do not want to be present,or invite him into their home, they also have the right to feel the way they do.
I am so sorry for your loss.
PEACE.
Their brains are under the influence of a drug. They are not thinking clearly. They do not process in a normal way.
They are selfish, and they know it all.
They hold grudges, they play the victim, they LIE, they have zero respect for their extended families ( or anyone else)
All they want is their fix, and if you come between them and their drug of choice, they will take you out of the equation and probably not even remember doing it.
This disease can divide families.
Family members argue amongst themselves regarding "what to do" about the addict. The fact remains if the addict does not choose recovery for himself, there isn't a damn thing we can do to help. So we might as well save our breath, and avoid hard feelings.
For 5 years I observed XA cause so much pain for his family. Every family function ended with his loud, out of control, obnoxious mouth. They would just sweep it under the rug, until the next time, and he would do the same thing, and they would just act dumbfounded like they were seeing it for the first time.
Until I truly understood what this disease really is, I woke up many mornings in a WTF state.
We cannot control who extended family invites into their home. If you choose to include him, that's fine, but it's also ok that others do not want to be present,or invite him into their home, they also have the right to feel the way they do.
I am so sorry for your loss.
PEACE.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((Soullight)) welcome to our SR family -
to begin - let me express my deepest sympathy at the lost of your loved one ~ prayers of comfort for all who loved them
In my many years of living with my now ex ah - I was amazed at how his family reacted to his alcoholism & drug addiction. When I joined Al-Anon, I learned that although we may be affected by the same person - each person can handle those affect a little differently ~ And we have no control over the family of the alcoholic/addict as we have no control over our loved one affected by this disease ~
I learned to give the A the dignity, self-respect and abiltiy to make their own choices and to deal with the consequences of those choices
and
the family the same way - for an example:
We are having a dinner at Uncle ____'s house - our brother (the A) will be invited, if you would like to come, we wil enjoy your company, but we understand if you are unable to come. or Lunch is at Aunt ___'s house - She is uncomfortable with our brother (the A) behaviors so we have asked him not to come, we hope you can join us, but if you are unable to we understand.
This way everyone can make their own choice ~
Now of course this looks great in writing and probably never works out this perfectly but it's a start and a way to set some boundaries - Progress not perfection ~
Most of all - do what is healthiest for YOU and try to let others make that same choice for themselves.
pink hugs
to begin - let me express my deepest sympathy at the lost of your loved one ~ prayers of comfort for all who loved them
In my many years of living with my now ex ah - I was amazed at how his family reacted to his alcoholism & drug addiction. When I joined Al-Anon, I learned that although we may be affected by the same person - each person can handle those affect a little differently ~ And we have no control over the family of the alcoholic/addict as we have no control over our loved one affected by this disease ~
I learned to give the A the dignity, self-respect and abiltiy to make their own choices and to deal with the consequences of those choices
and
the family the same way - for an example:
We are having a dinner at Uncle ____'s house - our brother (the A) will be invited, if you would like to come, we wil enjoy your company, but we understand if you are unable to come. or Lunch is at Aunt ___'s house - She is uncomfortable with our brother (the A) behaviors so we have asked him not to come, we hope you can join us, but if you are unable to we understand.
This way everyone can make their own choice ~
Now of course this looks great in writing and probably never works out this perfectly but it's a start and a way to set some boundaries - Progress not perfection ~
Most of all - do what is healthiest for YOU and try to let others make that same choice for themselves.
pink hugs
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Welcome, Soullight.
Oh - family-of-origin dynamics! We could have an entire forum devoted to just this topic and it would be quite busy, I'm sure.
I'm with Ms.Pink above - let others make their own choices.
And like Marie says - we can't control what others do.
I know its baffling that he goes through a major trauma caused by a drunk driver and yet can't seem to make that tie to his own choices. That's alcoholism! Makes no sense whatsoever. But remember he is driven by something that right now, is way bigger than his own rationale.
Glad you found us - keep reading and keep coming back!
~T
Oh - family-of-origin dynamics! We could have an entire forum devoted to just this topic and it would be quite busy, I'm sure.
I'm with Ms.Pink above - let others make their own choices.
And like Marie says - we can't control what others do.
I know its baffling that he goes through a major trauma caused by a drunk driver and yet can't seem to make that tie to his own choices. That's alcoholism! Makes no sense whatsoever. But remember he is driven by something that right now, is way bigger than his own rationale.
Glad you found us - keep reading and keep coming back!
~T
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