boyfriend is 5 years sober, need advice.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2
boyfriend is 5 years sober, need advice.
Hello, I'm new to these forums. I've been dating a recovered alcoholic for a year now. I've known him for 25 years, so I'm not new to his behavior.
Here's my issue. He is hyper-sexual. Which in the beginning was really fun, until I started to see that it wasn't just me. There are certain restaurants, venues, even public places that I won't go with him, strictly because I know he will be salivating the entire time. He has admitted to me that his over-use of porn etc has really muddled his brain, and he can't look at women without sexualizing them. He has mentioned it to his sponsor and tells me he is working on this. It has gotten a bit better, but I find that I'm still really angry with him. How do I work through my insecurities? How do I see that he's working on it? How do you draw the line? He has overcome so much & really is a wonderful man, he's so good to me in so many ways, but this weighs pretty heavy on my shoulders. Is sexual addiction a common replacement for alcohol? Am I being supportive by allowing him to make small strides, or am I enabling by not putting my foot down & telling him it's 100% unacceptable?
So many questions!
Here's my issue. He is hyper-sexual. Which in the beginning was really fun, until I started to see that it wasn't just me. There are certain restaurants, venues, even public places that I won't go with him, strictly because I know he will be salivating the entire time. He has admitted to me that his over-use of porn etc has really muddled his brain, and he can't look at women without sexualizing them. He has mentioned it to his sponsor and tells me he is working on this. It has gotten a bit better, but I find that I'm still really angry with him. How do I work through my insecurities? How do I see that he's working on it? How do you draw the line? He has overcome so much & really is a wonderful man, he's so good to me in so many ways, but this weighs pretty heavy on my shoulders. Is sexual addiction a common replacement for alcohol? Am I being supportive by allowing him to make small strides, or am I enabling by not putting my foot down & telling him it's 100% unacceptable?
So many questions!
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Here is my take on this (take it or leave it, I know it's very hard-edged): if this actually is "100% unacceptable" to you, then there you have it. If this relationship is meant to be then it will keep as long as it takes for him to work through this. If it isn't, then it is better to find out one year rather than five, ten, twenty years in.
If he really is working on it, great. You can always check back in six months or a year to see how far along he is in his recovery. If he isn't really working on it...well, again: better to know sooner than later.
If he really is working on it, great. You can always check back in six months or a year to see how far along he is in his recovery. If he isn't really working on it...well, again: better to know sooner than later.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Welcome to SR, rookiegf.
Hhhmmm...where to begin...let me just ask one question:
This is a huge red flag and one that prevents you from fully enjoying this relationship and fully trusting him and his behavior. Is this really worth it to you to try to be supportive of something you already resent? There are plenty of other fish in this big sea of dating.
And yes, often addicts will swap addictions...there's a lot written on addictive personalities and tendencies. Check out our other forums here - you'll see the topic come up repeatedly.
Hhhmmm...where to begin...let me just ask one question:
This is a huge red flag and one that prevents you from fully enjoying this relationship and fully trusting him and his behavior. Is this really worth it to you to try to be supportive of something you already resent? There are plenty of other fish in this big sea of dating.
And yes, often addicts will swap addictions...there's a lot written on addictive personalities and tendencies. Check out our other forums here - you'll see the topic come up repeatedly.
God's Kid
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,820
I'll just echo what another said that addicts swap addictions. If you read some non conference approved aa literature you'll learn Bill W (aa co founder) had affairs for years. And if memory serves me correctly he had an ongoing one with the first secretary of the general service office.
I know of another 12 step program which I think is called slaa anon or sa anon. It's for family and friends of sex addicts. A friend of mine belonged.
I read some literature once. It was quite good.
You're not alone either and what your experiencing is pretty common.
I know of another 12 step program which I think is called slaa anon or sa anon. It's for family and friends of sex addicts. A friend of mine belonged.
I read some literature once. It was quite good.
You're not alone either and what your experiencing is pretty common.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
My abusive XAH was co-addicted to porn, and as time went on, his behavior became more sexually oriented when we were out, and he would comment on other women, approach them in a restaurant with a bar, out of line stuff. He came on to my friends and I lost friends because of that.
It escalated and he criticized me more and more and wanted me to "learn" from porn what "a real woman does". It escalated beyond that to porn site chats, then videos, internet and texting with "Porn stars", then web cams, then sending hundreds of dollars to porn women, some of it definitely scams.
I told him "to me, a marriage is between one man and one woman, not one man, a wife, and a whole list of on-line prostitutes. You can have them, or you can have me, make your choice."
It was unacceptable to me, and when he charged $1200 to my credit card and sent it to one of these women, I left immediately.
His comprehension of normal sexuality disappeared, and the porn became his reference point for all intimacy in our marriage, and he used it as a weapon against me to demean and diminish me.
I would never be with a man again who had any kind of addictive personality. It was too painful, too devastating. If I were you, I'd let him go now and tell him to return in a year IF he had conquered this new addiction, stayed recovered from alcoholism, and hadn't gotten any new addictions like gambling, video games, drugs, you name it. This is a lifelong pattern for him, addiction of one sort or another. I'd rather have someone without this, or no one at all. Too much pain, too much devastation for me.
ShootingStar1
It escalated and he criticized me more and more and wanted me to "learn" from porn what "a real woman does". It escalated beyond that to porn site chats, then videos, internet and texting with "Porn stars", then web cams, then sending hundreds of dollars to porn women, some of it definitely scams.
I told him "to me, a marriage is between one man and one woman, not one man, a wife, and a whole list of on-line prostitutes. You can have them, or you can have me, make your choice."
It was unacceptable to me, and when he charged $1200 to my credit card and sent it to one of these women, I left immediately.
His comprehension of normal sexuality disappeared, and the porn became his reference point for all intimacy in our marriage, and he used it as a weapon against me to demean and diminish me.
I would never be with a man again who had any kind of addictive personality. It was too painful, too devastating. If I were you, I'd let him go now and tell him to return in a year IF he had conquered this new addiction, stayed recovered from alcoholism, and hadn't gotten any new addictions like gambling, video games, drugs, you name it. This is a lifelong pattern for him, addiction of one sort or another. I'd rather have someone without this, or no one at all. Too much pain, too much devastation for me.
ShootingStar1
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2
Thank you everyone for your replies - hard to hear. Very hard to digest. He and I had a very long talk about it all last night, although it's been an ongoing conversation for a while. He called his sponsor to talk, he's very open about all of this. That's where I guess that it's hard for me to make any cut-throat decisions regarding our relationship. He is the first person that I've ever been with who will absolutely own any problems he has, or may have caused. He doesn't put any of that on me, or anyone else. He never projects.
Anyway, he and his sponsor want to have a sit down with me, where I can ask any questions. His sponsor is also bringing his girlfriend, who has a good understanding of the 'mind of an addict'.
That's where I get confused. How do you distinguish between someone battling an addiction issue - or just human being, acting like a jerk?
Do addicts use their addiction as a blanket to make unacceptable behaviors, seem acceptable?
A bit of background - my brother and my mother are both alcoholics, my brother is a drug user as well. Having grown up (and still living) in that type of dysfunction, I fear that I gravitate towards "messy" people. Although my BF is recovered, there's still a lot of work that goes along with that.
In the end, I don't want the relationship to be over. He is being very proactive in trying to conquer any demons he may have, which is admirable. I am just trying to figure out how to handle it, what behavior is normal...
you all must want to kick me in the head for excusing it and continuing on
Anyway, he and his sponsor want to have a sit down with me, where I can ask any questions. His sponsor is also bringing his girlfriend, who has a good understanding of the 'mind of an addict'.
That's where I get confused. How do you distinguish between someone battling an addiction issue - or just human being, acting like a jerk?
Do addicts use their addiction as a blanket to make unacceptable behaviors, seem acceptable?
A bit of background - my brother and my mother are both alcoholics, my brother is a drug user as well. Having grown up (and still living) in that type of dysfunction, I fear that I gravitate towards "messy" people. Although my BF is recovered, there's still a lot of work that goes along with that.
In the end, I don't want the relationship to be over. He is being very proactive in trying to conquer any demons he may have, which is admirable. I am just trying to figure out how to handle it, what behavior is normal...
you all must want to kick me in the head for excusing it and continuing on
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Oh - you may receive a few baffled responses here, but no kicks in the head, I promise!
This is not our journey - its yours. We all have our own messes!
So go meet with the sponsor - but keep your eyes wide open and your heart partially closed off. Protect yourself. And watch him. Don't pay any attention to his words. Watch his actions. Addict or not - men in general communicate through actions.
Owning our own problems is great! But not if they continue and nothing changes. We have a saying around here - called the three A's. Awareness, Acceptance, Action. He's aware and he has accepted this is a problem. That's great! So wait for the action to follow and make your decisions accordingly.
My humble opinion - you already know a lot here and its all hard to stomach because you know he is one of those "messy people" and yet you don't want the relationship to end. To me - that's the bigger issue. And one that if I were you, I'd focus on instead of his issues. Spend some time getting to know yourself and why you choose men who are messy and broken.
Keep coming back and keep reading about addictive personalities. Knowledge is empowering!
~T
This is not our journey - its yours. We all have our own messes!
So go meet with the sponsor - but keep your eyes wide open and your heart partially closed off. Protect yourself. And watch him. Don't pay any attention to his words. Watch his actions. Addict or not - men in general communicate through actions.
Owning our own problems is great! But not if they continue and nothing changes. We have a saying around here - called the three A's. Awareness, Acceptance, Action. He's aware and he has accepted this is a problem. That's great! So wait for the action to follow and make your decisions accordingly.
My humble opinion - you already know a lot here and its all hard to stomach because you know he is one of those "messy people" and yet you don't want the relationship to end. To me - that's the bigger issue. And one that if I were you, I'd focus on instead of his issues. Spend some time getting to know yourself and why you choose men who are messy and broken.
Keep coming back and keep reading about addictive personalities. Knowledge is empowering!
~T
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear rookie, building on what Tuffgirl said: learn all you can about co-dependency---especially after what you shared with us regarding your family of origin. This could be a window of opportunity for you that could change the course of your whole life--if you recognize it as such and are willing to work on yourself.
Why not think about taking a year hiatus from the relationship to work on yourself?
dandylion
***In my opinion, if there is not trust in a relationship--it is like a house built on sand.
Why not think about taking a year hiatus from the relationship to work on yourself?
dandylion
***In my opinion, if there is not trust in a relationship--it is like a house built on sand.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by Tuffgirl 
Spend some time getting to know yourself and why you choose men who are messy and broken.
Something I learned about myself is that I tend to rationalize and justify. I want so badly to have the "perfect relationship," that I don't live in reality. Living in reality means that if you are not compatible with someone, even on ONE issue, you are not compatible. I'm talking about major issues, not leaving the cap off the toothpaste, lol. Sex and intimacy are major issues. So is trust.
Wanting to be with someone, if only they would change, is not love. Wanting to be with someone exactly as they are is love.
L
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