Valentina14

Hello everybody and thanks for welcoming me and listen to my story, I try to make it short.

A little more than 2 years ago I met this wonderful guy with one "small" problem, he got out of rehab 2 months before meeting me at 42 and after being a heroin addict since he was 17. I was glad that he could be open with me about his problem and he was a happy, cheerful, nice guy, and I fell in love with him very quickly. The happiness only lasted 6 months and after that he suddenly became moody, aggressive, uninterested, but he used to say it was all because of work and because the methadone was affecting him bad. One day I confronted him and he confessed he was using again and then hell started for me.

There was days that I knew nothing of him and when he reappeared I was so angry and upset, he took out the worst on me. I begged him everyday to find help, and he told me that he would do it when he would feel like he needed it.

Needless to say that I broke up with him, but then he wrote me mails, whatsapp messages, twitter dm's telling me that he loved me and I could save him if I gave him time. So I came back and broke up several times, to be confonted with his bad mood, his abuses, he telling me that he was having sex with other addicts, etc.

Last december he told me he got clean and that he wanted me to spend some days with him to help him and he swore that he was clean, but he continued behaving strangely to me. Not too much time after I settled in his house, and after I became a complete paranoid woman that looked everywhere to find drugs, I finally found a bag with his needles, spoon, etc. I was completely heartbroken and after a huge fight where he actually made me feel like I was the one that was wrong, I left.

Some weeks after, he started rehab again, methadone again and stayed clean for three months, but he lost someone close in his family and relapsed again. After that I promised to him I was never going back and that he was free to do anything he wanted.

A few weeks ago he wrote me again telling me again to help him, that I am the only one that has ever tried to help him, that I am his only hope, but everytime I try to come close enough to help, he starts being aggressive at me again and trying to hurt me as much as he can, but later he tells me that he wants to die because his life is so worthless and he feels terribly depressed.

I think I just better stay away from him and block him from every place where he can contact me, but I don't want to have the weight on my shoulders that I could had helped him and didn't do enough.

What do you think?

interrupted

You have done more for him than any one person should ever be asked to do, and still he picks up the heroin.

I think you should trust your gut and let him go. If he wants to recover nothing can stop him, and if he doesn't nothing can save him. Not you, not anyone.

It's painful, but it's time to take care of yourself, you deserve more than this!

Hammer

Addicts are users.

They use drugs, they use people.

Once they cannot use you, you become useless . . . and then they go away.

And THAT is a good thing. Stop being useful.

someoneswife

I agree with the other posters that you have done enough. It's unfair of him to put his possible recovery on your shoulders. Everyone is in charge and responsible for their own recovery. When he wants it and it's time in his recovery journey he will get help. One hard thing I've had to learn is that my husbands recovery has nothing to do with me. I can't make him stay clean and I can't protect him from relapses. It's so hard when you love someone to see them suffer but you have to protect and take care of yourself. You've had enough pain and deserve to be happy!!! Maybe try an al anon or nar anon meeting in your area. They can be an incredible source for strength!

Valentina14

Thanks very much for your input, it is very helpful to see that I am not the only one that thinks that it's time to let it go, even if he says that I am incredibly selfish for doing so.

All that I could do, I already did it, and like you said he has to want to recover and I can't make him. And I can't let him make me feel bad for not wanting any more pain in my life.

Now it is time to close every possiblity of contact that he can have with me, because everytime I am moving on and actually feeling better, he appears again and all the pain comes back with him.

I have one question: can you go to al anon or nar anon meetings without being the one that has the addiction problem?

Thanks again for the answers!

Vale

You are wise.

pravchaw

Sure. People at Al anon or Nar Anon are not addicted to a substance. They are affected by the addiction of a loved one. If you are affected than you should go.

Valentina14

Thanks, I will try to find a group close to me.

And thanks for your words, I hope I can continue being this strong, because in the past I have deluded myself by thinking that I could save him or at least help him a bit, but at the end I didn't take enough care of myself and ended up consumed by the situation completely.

DecBaby

You can't help him. He has to do the work. You see how determined he is to use? He needs to be that determined in recovery.

Valentina14

You are so right and it took me some time to actually realize it. I was actually convinced that I could help him, inspire him, make him want to recover, so it hit me very hard when I knew that nothing of that was in my hands.

Like you said, I wish all the time and the determination he has to buy and use he would put it into recovering. I know miracles happen, but I am starting to believe what he said to me one time: after 28 years of addiction, I am afraid I will never get out of this.

madisonblake

Like Hammer already commented, don't let him use you again. I was in the same boat for a very long time with my addict. It was the same cycle that you are going through, begging for forgiveness, asking for help, telling me how much he loved me and he needs me, bla bla bla bla bla. Then things would get back to "normal" and then the agressive, hostile, moody, rude monster always appeared. Break up. Back to step one. This roller coaster went on for me way too long and when I was in it I couldn't quite see how crazy it really was. Let go. Save yourself. You deserve better than this inconsistency.

Valentina14

Thank you! Now that I am finally finding my way out of it, I am also seeing how crazy it all was, how longer than necessary I stayed and how bad it was that I let him use me and treat me like he did.

He continues trying to find ways to get to me, but for a change I am staying strong.

crazycoda

Congratulations on letting him go & looking for support. He is too ill, just like every addict - too ill to put you first. Maybe one day he will be totally clean, but now you have made the break why go back for round number 20? You are worth more than his occasional pick me up girlfriend when he feels like it. Both mypartner & sister are addicts & you are so brave for exiting this crappy world of addiction

Valentina14

Thanks! It took me some time to realize that like you say he is very ill and that I can't make him want to recover. Being in this world of addiction has been extremely painful, sad and sometimes it removed all the hope from my life. I decided that it is time for me to choose to live my life again and that is why I came here looking for support. It is not easy, but I will manage