MTSlideAddict

I was in the bath last night trying to relax as being looped back on the Alcoholism coaster can do a number to keep stress levels elevated. ...

There is no denying it. Despite a recent heart attack, open heart surgery, and a “realization that he was given a second chance” my thirty-one year old husband is back to his binge drinking ways. When he drinks, he lies, sneaks, hides, forgets, and just becomes irresponsible. He has failed to pick up the niece from work leaving her standing outside in the middle of the night waiting for me to be able to swing by and get her. He has forgotten to feed the dog. He has yelled at family members demanding for them to do as he wanted. He has slept entire days and nights. He has forgotten to take his very important heart related medicine. He took the rest of his Xanax that the doctor said he no longer needed with his alcoholic beverages. He has pleaded with me to just allow him to drink one day a month, and the rest he’ll have O’Doul’s (which does contain alcohol) in the house.

I told him it is his choice whether or not he chooses to drink. I informed him I have no desire to monitor his drinking. I told him that it would also be my choice how I want to live my life.

… In the bath I asked myself “why am I still here?” The only answer that comes to me now is that it’s because it’s easier. I have known for a while that I want out. I am miserable. I live in a sexless lonely marriage that has no clear path for a future. I do not get emotional or physical satisfaction, and mostly I wonder why he neglects my needs. Sure I have weak times where I wonder how I can think that way when we actually are active and friendly, but mostly now I want out NOW. I mean like yesterday. I wish I could snap my fingers and everything would be done and over with. Everything would be separated and my dog and I would be comfortable in an apartment far away from him.

What is the first step to reach this goal? Do I talk to my lawyer and tell him to go ahead with the filing? Do I leave and then work it out? Do I stay till my plan will allow a smoother transition? I am so confused. I know I do not make enough money for myself. That is why I am going to school. I was making my plan, but it’s not coming together fast enough. I can’t stand this way of life anymore. I want to be out. I feel my serenity so off balance living with him. It’s like just the presents of him in the house weighs me down. I can’t breathe and I constantly stress and worry with him around.

LovesVWs

Congrats on realizing what you want and need to do. I really have no advice since i have not left my partner. But I totally wish you all the luck and sanity in the world!

Sasha4

I am from the other side of the forum, but I understand how you feel about your marriage and your needs not being filled and being lonely.

This is my situation too.

I cried in front of my partner (we are not married but live together and have a child) because I felt so lonely, so unloved and so uncared for.

He thinks I am 'difficult' - we have had problems in the past, he has a lot of debt.

Recently I have pointed out that if a stranger were to hear how he spoke to me, that stranger would think we were enemies, not in a relationship together.

If it was not for my 3 year old, I could not tell you the last time he hugged me or held my hand. I don't remember the last time he bought me flowers or said I looked nice, took me out. To date, he ha not spend one day of his annual leave with me yet this year. Our holidays from work run from December to December.

We sleep in separate beds, mostly due to his snoring.

I want to cry that at the age of 39 I I am in this loveless, sexless relationship.

I live away from my parents and my sister and I don't like that.
The fact it is to be with someone who makes me so sad is even worse.

Our child adores him. She cries when he leaves for work.

When I challenged him a few weeks ago, he changed his behaviour for a couple of days. It did not last long though. Probably too hard for him to keep up with.

I just want you to know I understand.

I wish you the best xxxx

Aeryn

I was in a marriage just like yours - I recently legally separated and am moving to a place that is just mine in my name Monday. There have been highs and lows but I know I'm doing the right thing....I don't want to go through my whole life unhappy and waiting for happiness based on expectations of my XAH he may never meet...and what I realized lately is I haven't felt happy in years, to the extent I'd forgotten what it felt like. So I know it's the right move in my case - however some days are harder than others, especially when I've surrounded myself with a lot of unhealthy people, including my friends, so I don't have much of a support system.

I know for me the key to making my decision was listening to my gut/authentic self....that was tough since I'd been ignoring that for many years!

Shutterbug1

I have been in my own apartment for three months. I was with XAB for 10 years...not all of that time was bad, but the last few years were excruciating. In short, best decision I ever made. I'm much happier now and am starting to find myself again, and I'm realizing I'm still pretty awesome

A friend of my recently said to me "ah, now your living, not surviving"

Wavy

It sounds like you have made you decision in your heart, now you are just trying to work out how to implement it. It can be hard, especially if you rely on someone else for financial support. I'd suggest talking to a lawyer just to find out what different options are available to you, there may be something you haven't thought of or a way of doing the things you have thought of that will work out better for you. It doesn't mean you have to file for divorce this second, it just gives you extra info to work from.

LexieCat

There's no simple, easy way to extricate yourself. You just have to pick an option and start moving.

Here's the thing. You are young, and you will wind up OK no matter how you do it. It isn't as if choosing the "wrong" way to go about it means you are screwing yourself.

I would talk to the lawyer first, just so you understand the legal ramifications of the different options. You are miserable now, so staying doesn't seem like a good option. Filing for divorce might give you the option of temporary support to help with the transition. Think about what you really NEED to make it. Maybe you do with basic cable for a year or two. Maybe you pare your grocery and other expenses down to the bare minimum. Maybe you take a short break from school to work and catch up a bit on your finances and then go back with a lighter course load so you can work part time. Lots of ways it can be worked out.

Go talk to the lawyer first and then start brainstorming. If you decide to leave, there is a way to make it work.

marie1960

Do I stay till my plan will allow a smoother transition? (MTSlideAddict)

^^^^^^ is there such a thing?^^^^^^^

If this is what you are waiting for, it may never happen.

Yes, there are going to be bumps along the way, but you clearly know what you want/need.

I learned this here, if I make decisions based on FACTS and not EMOTIONS, i will be just fine.

Sending you tons of support.

Tuffgirl

Kinda sounds like you answered your own questions here - with this above.

So if this is in fact the case, now its just a matter of making it all work. And yes, you can find a way to make it work, if you want it bad enough.