Did you stay in touch with your XA's family?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: England, UK
Posts: 257
Did you stay in touch with your XA's family?
Did you stay in touch with your XA's family after you broke up? Honestly one of the things I'm really going to miss about STBXABF is his family. I love his family, they have been so welcoming and friendly to me and his nieces and nephews are like real family to me since I've know them most of the their lives. We have no children so there is no need for him and I to stay in contact once the practical things are resolved.
I'm friends with them all on facebook and I don't really want to lose contact with them, but it seems a bit weird if they see me moving on being happy to have a life without their uncle/son/brother. Honestly I think they will understand me leaving, they are always asking how I manage to put up with him. They are quite loyal so I might get unfriended by a few of them, which is fine, takes the decision away from me! But since most of them will understand not just think I'm a heartless b*tch I don't expect many of those. They had bets on in the family when he moved in with me about how long it would last before he came crawling home tail between his legs – 3 months was the longest bet. Eight and half years later...
I don't want to delete them and have them think that I don't care about them and am dropping them just because things with ABF are over. But at the same time the chances of maintaining a real relationship with them once we break up seems small. I would feel awkward going to visit his family without him. But on the other hand his Mum often calls up and only speaks to me, not asking to speak with her son at all!
His parents are going to be in our area next week while he's away and I'm packing my stuff to move out. I hoping they don't want to come and visit, because that would be awkward!!! "Oh these boxes with all my stuff in, oh they're nothing, just a new interior design trend, you should try it, its so cutting edge" LOL!
So my point in all that was how did you handle your A's family members you were still attached to while managing to get rid of your A? Especially if there were no children involved to cause family ties.
I'm friends with them all on facebook and I don't really want to lose contact with them, but it seems a bit weird if they see me moving on being happy to have a life without their uncle/son/brother. Honestly I think they will understand me leaving, they are always asking how I manage to put up with him. They are quite loyal so I might get unfriended by a few of them, which is fine, takes the decision away from me! But since most of them will understand not just think I'm a heartless b*tch I don't expect many of those. They had bets on in the family when he moved in with me about how long it would last before he came crawling home tail between his legs – 3 months was the longest bet. Eight and half years later...
I don't want to delete them and have them think that I don't care about them and am dropping them just because things with ABF are over. But at the same time the chances of maintaining a real relationship with them once we break up seems small. I would feel awkward going to visit his family without him. But on the other hand his Mum often calls up and only speaks to me, not asking to speak with her son at all!
His parents are going to be in our area next week while he's away and I'm packing my stuff to move out. I hoping they don't want to come and visit, because that would be awkward!!! "Oh these boxes with all my stuff in, oh they're nothing, just a new interior design trend, you should try it, its so cutting edge" LOL!
So my point in all that was how did you handle your A's family members you were still attached to while managing to get rid of your A? Especially if there were no children involved to cause family ties.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Rochester, ny
Posts: 405
Hey Wavy...this is part of what's so painful for me. I really loved his family, especially mom and dad. And they gave me hope for growing older, very different than what I saw with my parents. And I don't have any other family.
As much as I wish I could stay in touch with them, for me it is just more pain...reminder that i misss him and that I'm not a "part of" anymore even though he promised me I would have loving family now.
OK so to get off my stuff...the point is, it depends on how it makes YOU feel. If it keeps a connection to pain, then you should probably not stay connected. If it feels positive and unconnected to him, then I think it's ok.
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As much as I wish I could stay in touch with them, for me it is just more pain...reminder that i misss him and that I'm not a "part of" anymore even though he promised me I would have loving family now.
OK so to get off my stuff...the point is, it depends on how it makes YOU feel. If it keeps a connection to pain, then you should probably not stay connected. If it feels positive and unconnected to him, then I think it's ok.
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A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Yeah, I think this is something that will just play out however it does. You have enough on your plate at the moment without worrying about what to do about his family. That isn't a decision you must make now. Deal with it as it comes.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
Nope. When I made it clear that I wanted off the rollercoaster and asked them to get off it with me, they dropped me like a hot potato.
They're still drinking the Kool-Aid, and STBXAH is still drinking his spiked with vodka.
C'est la vie.
They're still drinking the Kool-Aid, and STBXAH is still drinking his spiked with vodka.
C'est la vie.
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Long Branch, NJ
Posts: 253
I did, for a while, less frequently now. My EXAH's second-oldest sister was my favorite (he is one of six children, and their father was an abusive alcoholic who dropped dead of a heart attack when my ex was 14). She was a ripping alkie herself who nearly died when she drove into a concrete wall drunk in her late 30s. She went into the program, saw a therapist for many years, and out of all the siblings, she was the one who faced her family demons and had the best handle on reality. She supported my decision to divorce, since she said my husband had turned into their father and was concerned about my daughter.
Over the years, our contact became less frequent, partly because she lived a thousand miles away and as the years went on, had grandchildren and focused on them. I still speak with her occasionally.
My ex's two brothers are both drunks/drug users, and one flat-out moved to Crazytown years ago, always talking about the aliens walking around pretending to be human and why can't the rest of us see that. One of his sisters, the oldest, whose role was always to be oh-so-cheerful and considered their upbringing a "happy, normal, Catholic family" was diagnosed with early-onset Alzheimer's in her early fifties and now has no clue who anyone is. His other sister has been married to three abusive men and is the typical codependent, currently focused on her violent, mentally ill son. She is a "sweet" person, as many codies are, and I do speak with her on occasion as well.
The family's like an ACOA case study.
I LOVED my mother-in-law. She died of cancer when I was pregnant for my daughter 22 years ago, and my daughter is named for her. It grieved her deeply that four of her children drank like their father, but she did live to see her daughter sober up and enter into a happy marriage eventually.
Over the years, our contact became less frequent, partly because she lived a thousand miles away and as the years went on, had grandchildren and focused on them. I still speak with her occasionally.
My ex's two brothers are both drunks/drug users, and one flat-out moved to Crazytown years ago, always talking about the aliens walking around pretending to be human and why can't the rest of us see that. One of his sisters, the oldest, whose role was always to be oh-so-cheerful and considered their upbringing a "happy, normal, Catholic family" was diagnosed with early-onset Alzheimer's in her early fifties and now has no clue who anyone is. His other sister has been married to three abusive men and is the typical codependent, currently focused on her violent, mentally ill son. She is a "sweet" person, as many codies are, and I do speak with her on occasion as well.
The family's like an ACOA case study.
I LOVED my mother-in-law. She died of cancer when I was pregnant for my daughter 22 years ago, and my daughter is named for her. It grieved her deeply that four of her children drank like their father, but she did live to see her daughter sober up and enter into a happy marriage eventually.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
I think it probably depends a great deal on the dynamics of the family.
I'd figured that they'd stay in touch at least for DS... I've not seen AXH's dad since he dropped off an Easter basket for DS in 2012. I've not seen or spoken to AXH's sister since a DS-AXH weekend visit that she was supposed to be supervising in 2011 went south.
However, the background is: while I was still married to AXH, we lived in the same town as both of them. We rented 1/2 of a duplex that xFIL lived in the other 1/2. We didn't see them even once a year. We might have seen them at Christmas sometimes, but it wasn't every year. They'd be invited to DS's birthday celebrations and we'd find a present left on the doorstep any time within a few days around his birthday.
I do still forward info about DS's school plays, birthdays, special events; though I will admit to slowly scaling back the invites. Still nothing from them.
I should have known from the get-go, that based on that track record, even if the divorce had been amicable, that I wouldn't see them or hear from them.
I'd figured that they'd stay in touch at least for DS... I've not seen AXH's dad since he dropped off an Easter basket for DS in 2012. I've not seen or spoken to AXH's sister since a DS-AXH weekend visit that she was supposed to be supervising in 2011 went south.
However, the background is: while I was still married to AXH, we lived in the same town as both of them. We rented 1/2 of a duplex that xFIL lived in the other 1/2. We didn't see them even once a year. We might have seen them at Christmas sometimes, but it wasn't every year. They'd be invited to DS's birthday celebrations and we'd find a present left on the doorstep any time within a few days around his birthday.
I do still forward info about DS's school plays, birthdays, special events; though I will admit to slowly scaling back the invites. Still nothing from them.
I should have known from the get-go, that based on that track record, even if the divorce had been amicable, that I wouldn't see them or hear from them.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 431
Yes, but then again I only saw them once or twice a year anyway...in my case the split (legal separation) was amicable and my XAH and I are friends (only to the extent one can be with an A...I guess the better word is friendly enough).
My in-laws actually bought me dishes for my new place....and my XAH went over and hung curtains and installed a door. I'm moving in Monday.
BTW - I never realized how unhappy I was until I left....I've been experiencing bouts of this weird new feeling, which I've realized is contentment/happiness. Sure there are sad times mixed in (it was a 10 year marriage) but when I was in the marriage I was always unhappy/angry or neutral, never this new happy thing I'm getting now sometimes.
My in-laws actually bought me dishes for my new place....and my XAH went over and hung curtains and installed a door. I'm moving in Monday.
BTW - I never realized how unhappy I was until I left....I've been experiencing bouts of this weird new feeling, which I've realized is contentment/happiness. Sure there are sad times mixed in (it was a 10 year marriage) but when I was in the marriage I was always unhappy/angry or neutral, never this new happy thing I'm getting now sometimes.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 565
stbxABF (geez) has a mom I could have been cloned off of. Hm. No mystery in his choice of partner! I love her a lot, and seriously, she even looks way more like my mom than my actual mom.
She and I have "broken up" every time he and I do, in what have so far been lame attempts to Step Away from the Addict and Focus on Our Own Recovery. Lately, she actually slipped up and blamed me for the drinking. *sigh*
I didn't cause it, lady!
But I understand her desperate flailing and searching for reasons, answers, or something that makes sense in this mess -- I have done exactly the same thing.
Sadly, our relationship is doomed.
Thanks for the thread, Wavy. It really helps to read and post! - SQ
She and I have "broken up" every time he and I do, in what have so far been lame attempts to Step Away from the Addict and Focus on Our Own Recovery. Lately, she actually slipped up and blamed me for the drinking. *sigh*
I didn't cause it, lady!
But I understand her desperate flailing and searching for reasons, answers, or something that makes sense in this mess -- I have done exactly the same thing.
Sadly, our relationship is doomed.
Thanks for the thread, Wavy. It really helps to read and post! - SQ
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 565
Originally Posted by Mightyqueen801 
My ex's two brothers are both drunks/drug users, and one flat-out moved to Crazytown years ago, always talking about the aliens walking around pretending to be human and why can't the rest of us see that. One of his sisters, the oldest, whose role was always to be oh-so-cheerful and considered their upbringing a "happy, normal, Catholic family" was diagnosed with early-onset Alzheimer's in her early fifties and now has no clue who anyone is. His other sister has been married to three abusive men and is the typical codependent, currently focused on her violent, mentally ill son. She is a "sweet" person, as many codies are, and I do speak with her on occasion as well.
The family's like an ACOA case study.
SQ
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 329
I think it all depends on you! I have stayed in touch w/my XABF family but for me it has made things harder on me! I have known them for many many yrs -long before we were an item. I was actually friends with his brothers before I was friends w/him! So, it has been very difficult to do away with those relationships! It's helpful that we don't live in the same state. We have a rule that we try to go by which is that we don't discuss him & avoid bringing him up. However, every now then his name comes up! I really think my recovery has taken much longer bc i have those family relationships. But this certainly doesn't mean it would be the same for you!
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Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 71
Nope. One of my ex's family members reached out to me (for her own selfish reasons) after I moved out. I ignored her and never looked back. Only had contact with my ex a few times since (going on 5 months).
Sometimes, I wonder about certain members of his family, but... they know where I live and they have my phone number. If they wanted to stay in contact, they could have. They didn't, and I have little or no desire to be in touch with them either.
Sometimes, I wonder about certain members of his family, but... they know where I live and they have my phone number. If they wanted to stay in contact, they could have. They didn't, and I have little or no desire to be in touch with them either.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: England, UK
Posts: 257
Thank you all for sharing your experiences. So for the most part you either have lost part or all of your relationship with their family and its been hard to still have that connection to your X? It is a lot of food for thought. It will still keep me linked to him somehow and I don't know the strength of their feelings for me, so they might not care if it seems I dropped them just because things with STBXABF didn't work out. I know it would feel like a loss to me, on top of the loss of ABF, but maybe they aren't mine to lose.
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