Promiscuity and length between relationships
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Promiscuity and length between relationships
"What a sl*t" where my mother's exact words (well in another language) when I told her my xagf was in a relationship already. I tried to explain to her why she would do something like this. Not to excuse her behavior mind you, just saying things like an alcoholic needs to rebound to continue on board the numb train.
So is she just promiscuous? How much of the promiscuity is alcohol based?
This made me think of a few things. A friend of mine who was also in a long relationship like mine also took a few months to get back into the swing of things. So to me this sounds like the healthier progression.
Also I know to run if a new woman is just recently single, however how long should she be out of a relationship for me to start to date her? With my past 2 gfs we ended up kissing on the first date and sleeping together on like date #4/5. Too soon maybe?
I'm not concerned with bolting when I do see a big red flag, I'm more looking to change up my patterns. Maybe it should be 10 dates?
So is she just promiscuous? How much of the promiscuity is alcohol based?
This made me think of a few things. A friend of mine who was also in a long relationship like mine also took a few months to get back into the swing of things. So to me this sounds like the healthier progression.
Also I know to run if a new woman is just recently single, however how long should she be out of a relationship for me to start to date her? With my past 2 gfs we ended up kissing on the first date and sleeping together on like date #4/5. Too soon maybe?
I'm not concerned with bolting when I do see a big red flag, I'm more looking to change up my patterns. Maybe it should be 10 dates?
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i dunno i'd put that one on all on alcohol....some people can't stand to be alone for two seconds, HAVE to be involved with someone...HAVE to feel needed, wanted, taken. when people hop to hop to partners like honey bees to flowers i think it speaks VOLUMES about their lack of emotional depth and maturity. they go from LUVVVVV to hate and on to OMG i just met him yesterday and he is so AMAZING within the span of a week.
the weekend my first husband left me (we had a one year old at the time), i went to mom's, asked her to babysit, asked to borrow the corvette, went to a party, picked one out of the herd and got laid. never saw him again, could not tell you what he looked like, what his name was, altho i do recall he was quite, um, energetic and bouncy. it wasn't about the ACT for me at the time, i was proving a point if you will.
probably sounding a tawdry sl&t myself now but i always got that whole date first, have sex later thing backwards. in fact, at 53, i've never really DATED proper. might be hard to practice that now that i'm 11 years in with hank? no dear, this is purely for research, need to get DATING marked off my bucket list!
take your time. be YOU. you still have some healing to do from this last relationship.
the weekend my first husband left me (we had a one year old at the time), i went to mom's, asked her to babysit, asked to borrow the corvette, went to a party, picked one out of the herd and got laid. never saw him again, could not tell you what he looked like, what his name was, altho i do recall he was quite, um, energetic and bouncy. it wasn't about the ACT for me at the time, i was proving a point if you will.
probably sounding a tawdry sl&t myself now but i always got that whole date first, have sex later thing backwards. in fact, at 53, i've never really DATED proper. might be hard to practice that now that i'm 11 years in with hank? no dear, this is purely for research, need to get DATING marked off my bucket list!
take your time. be YOU. you still have some healing to do from this last relationship.
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Originally Posted by ZenMe 
So is she just promiscuous? How much of the promiscuity is alcohol based?
A sober person (man or woman) can still have issues with promiscuity if they do not have any boundaries.
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Sadly, there is some truth to the saying "the quickest way to get over someone, is to get under someone else." If your x needs booze to deal with life, it's not too far of a stretch that she would remedy her loss of you in much the same quick efficient way. Many, many people deal with a break up in this manner = alcohol or not - been guilty of it myself. I don't think it means someone is promiscuous, or a **** - just not emotionally strong enough to deal with their loss in a healthy way.
As for you - what ever happened to being friends first? (I say that without judgement - and while asking myself the same question.) In the big picture, that seems to be one of the most important pieces of the puzzle for a long, healthy relationship anyway.
Good luck! Don't stew about her too much - when an ex hops in with someone else, that's always pretty good closure for me. I hope you get the same out of it.
As for you - what ever happened to being friends first? (I say that without judgement - and while asking myself the same question.) In the big picture, that seems to be one of the most important pieces of the puzzle for a long, healthy relationship anyway.
Good luck! Don't stew about her too much - when an ex hops in with someone else, that's always pretty good closure for me. I hope you get the same out of it.
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Yea I had the opportunity to get under someone else recently but that's just not me and I'm going to be me...however it was an attractive proposition as a "speedy get over x" card.
Anvil what point were you trying to prove?
Do any of you find yourselves trying to respect a past relationship? I guess my experience with that is somehow convincing myself that my time wasn't wasted somehow.
I like the friends route, that's what I'm on right now. Just making more friends to hang out, carefree.
Anvil what point were you trying to prove?
Do any of you find yourselves trying to respect a past relationship? I guess my experience with that is somehow convincing myself that my time wasn't wasted somehow.
I like the friends route, that's what I'm on right now. Just making more friends to hang out, carefree.
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Just because something doesn't last forever doesn't mean it wasn't valuable and meaningful. And what your ex does once your relationship is over doesn't really say anything about your relationship.
I don't think there are (or should be) any set rules for when it's OK to move on, start dating, or sleep with someone after you've ended a relationship. I mean there was a time when a widow wore black the rest of her life, and a time when a widow wore black for exactly a yer after the funeral... Thank God we're beyond that, kwim? I'm of the definite opinion that as long as you're honest with the other person involved, go ahead and sleep with them on a first date or whatever. Just be true to yourself and don't deceive them.
I don't think there are (or should be) any set rules for when it's OK to move on, start dating, or sleep with someone after you've ended a relationship. I mean there was a time when a widow wore black the rest of her life, and a time when a widow wore black for exactly a yer after the funeral... Thank God we're beyond that, kwim? I'm of the definite opinion that as long as you're honest with the other person involved, go ahead and sleep with them on a first date or whatever. Just be true to yourself and don't deceive them.
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Anvil what point were you trying to prove?
my husband left me with a baby over my shoulder for my "best" friend and we all worked together for his parents. in fact i had hired and trained her years earlier, she and her husband and my ex and i bowled on the same league. to say life as i knew it went POOF is an understatement!
does that help clear up the POINT i was making???
my husband left me with a baby over my shoulder for my "best" friend and we all worked together for his parents. in fact i had hired and trained her years earlier, she and her husband and my ex and i bowled on the same league. to say life as i knew it went POOF is an understatement!
does that help clear up the POINT i was making???
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Ahhhh. The tender and soothing words that only a mother can share so kindly and delicately.
... My mothers words a few months ago were, "Seriously, you need to get out of this funk! Really, perhaps you just need to go and get laid!
We both had a good laugh, as this is NOT characteristic verbiage from my mother!
... My mothers words a few months ago were, "Seriously, you need to get out of this funk! Really, perhaps you just need to go and get laid!
We both had a good laugh, as this is NOT characteristic verbiage from my mother!
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I think the point isn't so much how long you date before you sleep with somebody, it's more understanding yourself what you are looking for.
I sort of remember what it's like to have sex, though it's been a good (no, make that GREAT) eight years. And I was never big on the long dating prelude to sex.
HOWEVER, I think most of the time I was looking to fill the hole in my SOUL, not the other one. There's nothing inherently wrong with a one-night stand (a safe one, of course) as long as both parties are aware of what it is, and neither is hoping/expecting anything more than that. The problem is that people are complicated and we often lie to ourselves even more than we do to other people. So that's where it gets messy, and we can wind up emotionally hurting ourselves or other people even when we think it is strictly recreational.
I think it might be important for you, Zen, to take your time just because you're feeling a bit wounded and a quick roll in the proverbial hay right now might distract you from your healing. No rush, and I think you're smart to be taking your time about it. But at the same time, I don't think it's helpful for you to judge the motives of others, especially your ex's. It simply isn't your concern anymore, and I think the more that sinks in the sooner you will move on.
Hugs (but don't go gettin' the wrong idea, I'm WAY too old for you!),
I sort of remember what it's like to have sex, though it's been a good (no, make that GREAT) eight years. And I was never big on the long dating prelude to sex.
HOWEVER, I think most of the time I was looking to fill the hole in my SOUL, not the other one. There's nothing inherently wrong with a one-night stand (a safe one, of course) as long as both parties are aware of what it is, and neither is hoping/expecting anything more than that. The problem is that people are complicated and we often lie to ourselves even more than we do to other people. So that's where it gets messy, and we can wind up emotionally hurting ourselves or other people even when we think it is strictly recreational.
I think it might be important for you, Zen, to take your time just because you're feeling a bit wounded and a quick roll in the proverbial hay right now might distract you from your healing. No rush, and I think you're smart to be taking your time about it. But at the same time, I don't think it's helpful for you to judge the motives of others, especially your ex's. It simply isn't your concern anymore, and I think the more that sinks in the sooner you will move on.
Hugs (but don't go gettin' the wrong idea, I'm WAY too old for you!
),
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Lexie,
I'm not judging, I was just wondering if I missed something. In other words my mom's words shocked me and then I was like, wait what? huh? I dated a who? Either way I'm sure she was trying to help.
It is getting easier. Thanks for the full on hug.
I'm not judging, I was just wondering if I missed something. In other words my mom's words shocked me and then I was like, wait what? huh? I dated a who? Either way I'm sure she was trying to help.
It is getting easier. Thanks for the full on hug.
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The phrase "serial monogamy" comes to mind here - someone who goes from relationship to relationship without much time in between. I don't think it necessarily makes her a sl*t, although from your Mom's viewpoint (and generation, it probably does!) I think it shows you how much she dislikes being alone with just herself for company. My friend was like this - I posted about it on another thread recently - she could not be without a man in her life. And she didn't really like those men much either. But she needed that validation that come from being in a relationship, no matter how dysfunctional or toxic it was.
I'm just the opposite...like DesertEyes likes to say, I'd rather be alone than wish I was.
I'm just the opposite...like DesertEyes likes to say, I'd rather be alone than wish I was.
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Oh goodness, are we talking about dating?
Here's my .02 on a subject I regularly foul up in real life. I will not comment on other peep's lives because if I were that wise I would not have ended up on SR in the first place.
ex #1 was a wonderful lady, 20 years of fantastic marriage, then she became terribly ill, and when it went into remission she _liked_ the pain pills and would not quit. I left when I found out she was running around with 3 guys, one of them a good friend and customer.
Everybody told me not to date while I still hurt. No, not how many months, or years, my "ruler" for how long to wait is how much I hurt. Did I follow directions? Nope.
Met a charming young alanoid who was in a world of hurt over the OD death of her husband. We both rebounded into each other so hard I still wonder why we didn't break anything. About a year into the flaming-thru-the-sky, faster-than-the-speed-of-sound, put-on-your-helmet relationship I met her Mom. Really got along with her Mom, nice person who understood a lot of my perspective on life.... and um....
Turn to my adorable g/f and ask "How old did you say you are?"
She looks at me with her great big eyes "Maybe it's not so cute that I call you Daddy?"
Oh boy. We're still good friends today. Lesson #1; ask her age _before_ her phone number.
As far as _me_ and my life, it's not about how much time has passed before I get in a relationship. It's about healing from the hurt. When I am in pain I do not think clearly... if at all. When it comes to dating while in pain I am just blind and stupid.
Right now my life is a mess due to health problems, so I am taking the dating scene _very_ slowly. I am not in a good emotional place and fouling it up with another blind and stupid relationship is not going to help.
Mike
Here's my .02 on a subject I regularly foul up in real life. I will not comment on other peep's lives because if I were that wise I would not have ended up on SR in the first place.
ex #1 was a wonderful lady, 20 years of fantastic marriage, then she became terribly ill, and when it went into remission she _liked_ the pain pills and would not quit. I left when I found out she was running around with 3 guys, one of them a good friend and customer.
Everybody told me not to date while I still hurt. No, not how many months, or years, my "ruler" for how long to wait is how much I hurt. Did I follow directions? Nope.
Met a charming young alanoid who was in a world of hurt over the OD death of her husband. We both rebounded into each other so hard I still wonder why we didn't break anything. About a year into the flaming-thru-the-sky, faster-than-the-speed-of-sound, put-on-your-helmet relationship I met her Mom. Really got along with her Mom, nice person who understood a lot of my perspective on life.... and um....
Turn to my adorable g/f and ask "How old did you say you are?"
She looks at me with her great big eyes "Maybe it's not so cute that I call you Daddy?"
Oh boy. We're still good friends today. Lesson #1; ask her age _before_ her phone number.
As far as _me_ and my life, it's not about how much time has passed before I get in a relationship. It's about healing from the hurt. When I am in pain I do not think clearly... if at all. When it comes to dating while in pain I am just blind and stupid.
Right now my life is a mess due to health problems, so I am taking the dating scene _very_ slowly. I am not in a good emotional place and fouling it up with another blind and stupid relationship is not going to help.
Mike
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According to your mom, I'm a ****. I'm your quintessential serial monogamist. Prior to the past nine months (after my break up with exabf), I had not been single a day in my life since the age of 13. I hopped from one relationship to the next; often times they overlapped. If I wasn't techinically cheating on a guy at the end, I always had one foot out the door emotionally before we ever split up. I have never allowed myself to feel the pain of a break up before this most recent one with exabf.
My parents divorced when I was 13--my dad ran off with my mom's best friend. I fell madly in "love" with the local heart throb and was so distracted by my first sexual experiences, and the wondrous love drug that I avoided having to feel the pain of my parents' messy divorce. The guy also introduced me to weed and booze. Neither one of those interested me (luckily), but I did become a hard core love addict and only sobered up when I bottomed out in January with exabf.
My ex knew I was an addict. That's why he told me in his last rude email that "no amount of yoga, therapy, or Al Anon was going to stop me from getting into a relationship with someone new." He thinks I am incapable of being alone and doesn't believe I have been alone since he and I broke up. I told him people recover everyday and that I can be one of those people.
WTF is my point? Oh yeah, when everyone said that the fact your gf jumped into another relationship so quickly proves she isnt healthy or emotionally mature enough to process what happened between you two, they were spot on. I'm not sure that makes her a **** or not--I am not even sure what a **** is exactly. It just makes her totally unheatlhy.
Zen, your gf has big problems. It is totally predictable that she hooked up with the first guy she could after you broke up with her. What was she going to do? Be alone with herself and be forced to contemplate the way in which her drinking caused her to lose her relationship with you? That was never going to happen in the reality of an active A.
That's how I know my ex is with someone new. I'm waiting with dread for the confirmation and it's going to effing hurt when I get it. I've put up a lot of walls to protect myself from any info about him, but nothing is leak proof.
I have really hijacked this thread. Anyway, if you could go out and get laid with no emotions attached (on either side), I say go for it. I know it is hard to do for us codies though. We need all the emotional enmeshment.
HUGS
My parents divorced when I was 13--my dad ran off with my mom's best friend. I fell madly in "love" with the local heart throb and was so distracted by my first sexual experiences, and the wondrous love drug that I avoided having to feel the pain of my parents' messy divorce. The guy also introduced me to weed and booze. Neither one of those interested me (luckily), but I did become a hard core love addict and only sobered up when I bottomed out in January with exabf.
My ex knew I was an addict. That's why he told me in his last rude email that "no amount of yoga, therapy, or Al Anon was going to stop me from getting into a relationship with someone new." He thinks I am incapable of being alone and doesn't believe I have been alone since he and I broke up. I told him people recover everyday and that I can be one of those people.
WTF is my point? Oh yeah, when everyone said that the fact your gf jumped into another relationship so quickly proves she isnt healthy or emotionally mature enough to process what happened between you two, they were spot on. I'm not sure that makes her a **** or not--I am not even sure what a **** is exactly. It just makes her totally unheatlhy.
Zen, your gf has big problems. It is totally predictable that she hooked up with the first guy she could after you broke up with her. What was she going to do? Be alone with herself and be forced to contemplate the way in which her drinking caused her to lose her relationship with you? That was never going to happen in the reality of an active A.
That's how I know my ex is with someone new. I'm waiting with dread for the confirmation and it's going to effing hurt when I get it. I've put up a lot of walls to protect myself from any info about him, but nothing is leak proof.
I have really hijacked this thread. Anyway, if you could go out and get laid with no emotions attached (on either side), I say go for it. I know it is hard to do for us codies though. We need all the emotional enmeshment.
HUGS
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Originally Posted by dandylion
WoW, DreamsofSerenity---really? get laid with no emotions on either side? Really?dandylion
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Dreams, do not envy those people. Cherish your ability to feel and honor your own emotions. The fact that you have them is a gift---to be handled with tender loving care.
Don't get confused just because you are temporarily in pain. You are in the midst of a tremendous learning process, right now. growth is often accompanied by pain, at first.
Trust in the process.
dandylion
Don't get confused just because you are temporarily in pain. You are in the midst of a tremendous learning process, right now. growth is often accompanied by pain, at first.
Trust in the process.
dandylion
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Originally Posted by dandylion
Dreams, do not envy those people. Cherish your ability to feel and honor your own emotions. The fact that you have them is a gift---to be handled with tender loving care.
Don't get confused just because you are temporarily in pain. You are in the midst of a tremendous learning process, right now. growth is often accompanied by pain, at first.
Trust in the process.
dandylion
Don't get confused just because you are temporarily in pain. You are in the midst of a tremendous learning process, right now. growth is often accompanied by pain, at first.
Trust in the process.
dandylion
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ZenMe
I finally started to heal when my ex-husband who struggled with drinking, ran off (and later married) my best buddy where I live.
She was also married (we were all friends). Her husband after grieving a short time immediately got into a new relationship also. He actually told me that "It will all be okay once you start dating someone." This was four months after my marriage was hit by an affair and before I was divorced.
I just kept thinking "well isn't it this relationship thing that got myself into this mess?"
I am not going to lie and make it sound easy and like I figured it out. I felt really broken. Two relationships were shattered and I was the only one out of the four of us that did not jump back into something else.
I wish I was as philosophical and clear thoughted as others during this time. I was not.
What got me through was singing the Sesame Street song that they used to play when they were asking to you find out of four items the one that did not belong. (Sorry for dating myself) It went something like "One of these things is not like the other, one of these things just isn't the same."
It was ALL I could hold onto when I was struggling, when it looked like everyone around me was healing and moving on. That experience was very disorienting to me....I was using some pretty unhealthy individuals as my guidepost.
It did not always keep me out of it, but it did help.
I hope you can find something small, slightly amusing and in my case very off key to get you out of this.
I found I felt worse when I beat myself up for how long it was taking (I am coming up 2.5 years since the divorce and I am NOT ready for a relationship), or if I was self-judging "how" I was doing it. I thought it would help, but all it did was keep me stuck.
I finally started to heal when my ex-husband who struggled with drinking, ran off (and later married) my best buddy where I live.
She was also married (we were all friends). Her husband after grieving a short time immediately got into a new relationship also. He actually told me that "It will all be okay once you start dating someone." This was four months after my marriage was hit by an affair and before I was divorced.
I just kept thinking "well isn't it this relationship thing that got myself into this mess?"
I am not going to lie and make it sound easy and like I figured it out. I felt really broken. Two relationships were shattered and I was the only one out of the four of us that did not jump back into something else.
I wish I was as philosophical and clear thoughted as others during this time. I was not.
What got me through was singing the Sesame Street song that they used to play when they were asking to you find out of four items the one that did not belong. (Sorry for dating myself) It went something like "One of these things is not like the other, one of these things just isn't the same."
It was ALL I could hold onto when I was struggling, when it looked like everyone around me was healing and moving on. That experience was very disorienting to me....I was using some pretty unhealthy individuals as my guidepost.
It did not always keep me out of it, but it did help.
I hope you can find something small, slightly amusing and in my case very off key to get you out of this.
I found I felt worse when I beat myself up for how long it was taking (I am coming up 2.5 years since the divorce and I am NOT ready for a relationship), or if I was self-judging "how" I was doing it. I thought it would help, but all it did was keep me stuck.
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