Dealing with Bad things that happened
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Join Date: Jul 2013
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Dealing with Bad things that happened
where to start, hmm.. feeling emotional today
I spent a lot of time with my husband this weekend at his rehab place. He has been there two weeks today, and before that was in the hospital for two weeks, which means he has been off of all the drugs he was taking for about a month now.
The emotions come from the talks we had together. He is talking and thinking again like my husband, but he is sad, feeling guilty over things that happened, and I know he is holding back many things about what happened while he was missing and using. I can see it in his eyes, and in the things he says like he is apologizing for things he hasnt confessed to. He is sad and hurting, and he misses home and work.
His dad is working with an attorney to clear up a legal mess he created over the last couple of months. It has to be handled now because it is time sensitive and business, money related. My husband feels like a royal screw up and a failure since all this has shaken out.
My emotions though are about how do I deal with the things he did when he was using and so very sick? I have this feeling that I have had since he was found; there were women hanging around this place and my husband was shooting cocaine. Odds are he cheated on me. He was tested for diseases in the hospital, and so was I. All were negative but we both have to be tested again in a couple months. I have not asked him, and he has not told me he did. I cant imagine it will be easy for him to admit if it happened. But that is what rehab is for, to bring all of it out in time.
I cant shake this thought. I went to see his doctor before I left, and I talked to him about how my husband is feeling, and i told him that I think he is holding back a lot, and he said it takes time for him to process things, and suggested I meet with a counselor there to talk. If he knows, he wouldnt confirm or deny.
It just hurts to think about it. I might not even be right. Ive read cocaine can make people unable to even go the distance if you know what I mean. Anyone else have to deal with cheating ?
I spent a lot of time with my husband this weekend at his rehab place. He has been there two weeks today, and before that was in the hospital for two weeks, which means he has been off of all the drugs he was taking for about a month now.
The emotions come from the talks we had together. He is talking and thinking again like my husband, but he is sad, feeling guilty over things that happened, and I know he is holding back many things about what happened while he was missing and using. I can see it in his eyes, and in the things he says like he is apologizing for things he hasnt confessed to. He is sad and hurting, and he misses home and work.
His dad is working with an attorney to clear up a legal mess he created over the last couple of months. It has to be handled now because it is time sensitive and business, money related. My husband feels like a royal screw up and a failure since all this has shaken out.
My emotions though are about how do I deal with the things he did when he was using and so very sick? I have this feeling that I have had since he was found; there were women hanging around this place and my husband was shooting cocaine. Odds are he cheated on me. He was tested for diseases in the hospital, and so was I. All were negative but we both have to be tested again in a couple months. I have not asked him, and he has not told me he did. I cant imagine it will be easy for him to admit if it happened. But that is what rehab is for, to bring all of it out in time.
I cant shake this thought. I went to see his doctor before I left, and I talked to him about how my husband is feeling, and i told him that I think he is holding back a lot, and he said it takes time for him to process things, and suggested I meet with a counselor there to talk. If he knows, he wouldnt confirm or deny.
It just hurts to think about it. I might not even be right. Ive read cocaine can make people unable to even go the distance if you know what I mean. Anyone else have to deal with cheating ?
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Knoxville, tn
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My husband has been in rehab for about 6 or 7 weeks. He has slowly admitted different things to me over the time he has been there. It's hurts each and every time. We go to marriage counseling once a week provided by the rehab center and that has really helped but doesn't take the hurt away. Chances are he will still be remembering crappy things he did months from now and will tell me and its something I will just have to face. He can't remember every single bad thing he has done or every lie he has told in one day. I have also wondered if he has cheated and I don't know if that's something I will be able to move past. I just have to take it one day at a time.
I try to only think about what I know as fact and not wonder and obsess over the what ifs. When it's time everything will be revealed and I have to find some peace until then. Sending good vibes your way!
I try to only think about what I know as fact and not wonder and obsess over the what ifs. When it's time everything will be revealed and I have to find some peace until then. Sending good vibes your way!
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
Never had to deal with cheating. Not certain I would. I would forgive for my own soul, but I doubt I would hang around. I look at it this way, our relationship was strained when he was in active addiction, he avoided me because he knew he used and knew I knew as well … I avoid him because of various reasons, including the fact that I started drinking and I remained faithful and I would expect the same. I really have a hard time with blaming a drug for cheating. But it’s how I view it all, I did nothing high I wouldn’t do straight … but I will change that now, only because I am much more healthier now then the time in which that applied. Tends to show me it is exactly how I think it is, that sick isn’t just about using and the drug is still a symptom of the disease.
And it terms of when he will share. It is an extremely long process and can be a slow one too. It took my husband a long time to talk, and by the time he did I had no real reason to know. But that a lot to do with the time I gave myself to work on me. Nothing was really about him anyway, he was just an easy distraction.
There are things I have not spoken of and won’t. They don’t involve him, or anyone really. It was ok to let those demons die a natural death without the need to share all the details. I think many have instances like that. Where you let go, move on from the pain.
It is a shame he wasn’t allowed to deal with where he screwed it all up. There is learning in that. He is capable, and really could have fixed his own mess.
His feeling will be all over, just as yours will. No pity parties for him ok. He will have to process it all, make amends, forgive himself and let it all go. Your process will be similar.
You would be very wise to take up the offer of some counseling. I hope you do.
In time you will get all the answers you need to make healthy decisions for yourself. Not so much the answers you want so make sure you are paying attention…
Take good care of You!
And it terms of when he will share. It is an extremely long process and can be a slow one too. It took my husband a long time to talk, and by the time he did I had no real reason to know. But that a lot to do with the time I gave myself to work on me. Nothing was really about him anyway, he was just an easy distraction.
There are things I have not spoken of and won’t. They don’t involve him, or anyone really. It was ok to let those demons die a natural death without the need to share all the details. I think many have instances like that. Where you let go, move on from the pain.
It is a shame he wasn’t allowed to deal with where he screwed it all up. There is learning in that. He is capable, and really could have fixed his own mess.
His feeling will be all over, just as yours will. No pity parties for him ok. He will have to process it all, make amends, forgive himself and let it all go. Your process will be similar.
You would be very wise to take up the offer of some counseling. I hope you do.
In time you will get all the answers you need to make healthy decisions for yourself. Not so much the answers you want so make sure you are paying attention…
Take good care of You!
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
I picked up this little description of trust a while back, and I think it also applies to working through past issues: My husband was in rehab for three months, and we had been separated for about a year prior to this. He was involved in a relationship with a woman who used drugs during this time. It hurt a lot, but we worked through it. We started dealing with all our issues in marriage counseling also. His rehab had us start about half way through his treatment there. To be fair, there were lots of things on both sides that happened during that year we were apart, and slowly we opened up and shared with each other. Its like the quote I think, brick by brick the truth comes out, and you have a chance to mend and heal.
Restoring a wounded relationship is like trying to take down a large brick wall separating those with whom we were once close. No matter how hard you try, it won’t come down all at once. Be patient. Good recovery allows you to remove only a few bricks each day.
*~10 YEARS BABY~*
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Hollywood
Posts: 9,369
Originally Posted by BlueChair 
where to start, hmm.. feeling emotional today
I spent a lot of time with my husband this weekend at his rehab place. He has been there two weeks today, and before that was in the hospital for two weeks, which means he has been off of all the drugs he was taking for about a month now.
The emotions come from the talks we had together. He is talking and thinking again like my husband, but he is sad, feeling guilty over things that happened, and I know he is holding back many things about what happened while he was missing and using. I can see it in his eyes, and in the things he says like he is apologizing for things he hasnt confessed to. He is sad and hurting, and he misses home and work.
His dad is working with an attorney to clear up a legal mess he created over the last couple of months. It has to be handled now because it is time sensitive and business, money related. My husband feels like a royal screw up and a failure since all this has shaken out.
My emotions though are about how do I deal with the things he did when he was using and so very sick? I have this feeling that I have had since he was found; there were women hanging around this place and my husband was shooting cocaine. Odds are he cheated on me. He was tested for diseases in the hospital, and so was I. All were negative but we both have to be tested again in a couple months. I have not asked him, and he has not told me he did. I cant imagine it will be easy for him to admit if it happened. But that is what rehab is for, to bring all of it out in time.
I cant shake this thought. I went to see his doctor before I left, and I talked to him about how my husband is feeling, and i told him that I think he is holding back a lot, and he said it takes time for him to process things, and suggested I meet with a counselor there to talk. If he knows, he wouldnt confirm or deny.
It just hurts to think about it. I might not even be right. Ive read cocaine can make people unable to even go the distance if you know what I mean. Anyone else have to deal with cheating ?
I spent a lot of time with my husband this weekend at his rehab place. He has been there two weeks today, and before that was in the hospital for two weeks, which means he has been off of all the drugs he was taking for about a month now.
The emotions come from the talks we had together. He is talking and thinking again like my husband, but he is sad, feeling guilty over things that happened, and I know he is holding back many things about what happened while he was missing and using. I can see it in his eyes, and in the things he says like he is apologizing for things he hasnt confessed to. He is sad and hurting, and he misses home and work.
His dad is working with an attorney to clear up a legal mess he created over the last couple of months. It has to be handled now because it is time sensitive and business, money related. My husband feels like a royal screw up and a failure since all this has shaken out.
My emotions though are about how do I deal with the things he did when he was using and so very sick? I have this feeling that I have had since he was found; there were women hanging around this place and my husband was shooting cocaine. Odds are he cheated on me. He was tested for diseases in the hospital, and so was I. All were negative but we both have to be tested again in a couple months. I have not asked him, and he has not told me he did. I cant imagine it will be easy for him to admit if it happened. But that is what rehab is for, to bring all of it out in time.
I cant shake this thought. I went to see his doctor before I left, and I talked to him about how my husband is feeling, and i told him that I think he is holding back a lot, and he said it takes time for him to process things, and suggested I meet with a counselor there to talk. If he knows, he wouldnt confirm or deny.
It just hurts to think about it. I might not even be right. Ive read cocaine can make people unable to even go the distance if you know what I mean. Anyone else have to deal with cheating ?
Have you ever read Jada Pinkett Smiths facebook post about 'open marriage', it's not the same as this, but she raises some great questions in it.
Here's a little part of it,
Framing her argument as a series of questions, she challenged her fans to consider what it means to share your life with another person.
"Do we believe loving someone means owning them? Do we believe that ownership is the reason someone should 'behave'?" she asked. "Do we believe that all the expectations, conditions, and underlying threats of 'you better act right or else' keep one honest and true? Do we believe that we can have meaningful relationships with people who have not defined nor live by the integrity of his or her higher self? What of unconditional love? Or does love look like, feel like, and operate as enslavement? Do we believe that the more control we put on someone the safer we are? What of TRUST and LOVE?"
"Should we be married to individuals who can not be responsible for themselves and their families within their freedom?" she continued. "Should we be in relationships with individuals who we can not entrust to their own values, integrity, and LOVE...for us???"
Not saying I agree with it, but for me, it did make me stop and ask myself some questions I had not thought about.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
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Thank you guys. It is really good to know that a couple of you are working on the same types of things right now. The rehab wants me to start some counseling, and I guess I will. I also think they have marriage counseling available but I will have to ask more about that I guess. I dont think he has come to terms with things yet, and I think he will not remember a lot of it because he was way out there' I think. Maybe it will come back slowly, or things will remind him. Mostly I get upset about the possibility he cheated on me. One of my friends was saying that if he did it was still nothing but the act, and not anything like what we share, and I know she is right, but it still seems so horrible. I am going to try to take it one day at a time too.
[QUOTE=allforcnm;4108038 only a few bricks each day [/QUOTE]
I like thinking about it like this too!
(I dont know how to stick part of a quote in !!! thats not right but you get it)
The other thing is over this past month things have come out about finances, business, and we have not talked about a lot of it either. I dont even think he knows that I know some of it. Part of it scares me what Im learning he did. It goes back further than I thought and I dont know if it was bad decisions, or if it was drugged up decisions he made. His dad is angry about a lot of stuff and I know he is trying not to show it in front of me, but I can tell anyway so part of me wishes he would just spit out whatever it is he needs to say and then we could deal with it.
Hard spending time with him on the weekend, and now Im alone again, and house feels empty.
[QUOTE=allforcnm;4108038 only a few bricks each day [/QUOTE]
I like thinking about it like this too!
(I dont know how to stick part of a quote in !!! thats not right but you get it)
The other thing is over this past month things have come out about finances, business, and we have not talked about a lot of it either. I dont even think he knows that I know some of it. Part of it scares me what Im learning he did. It goes back further than I thought and I dont know if it was bad decisions, or if it was drugged up decisions he made. His dad is angry about a lot of stuff and I know he is trying not to show it in front of me, but I can tell anyway so part of me wishes he would just spit out whatever it is he needs to say and then we could deal with it.
Hard spending time with him on the weekend, and now Im alone again, and house feels empty.
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