Crazed

So I have 2 pseudo step-daughters (ages 16 and 18). They lived with me for about 10 years, every other week (when I was with EXAG). I have reached out a few times over the past few months, and other than a very nice thank you card from a high school graduation gift, there has been no response. My mother also reached out to the 18 year old with no response. This is not really surprising, as their biological dad and stepmom whom they are living with have issues with just about everyone (including me). As such, the girls do not communicate with their grandparents, their great-grandparents, and their aunt. And their great-grandparents have been very active in their lives since toddlers - taking them on weekend trips to Disney, SeaWorld, etc... until a few years ago. Basically because there is tension between their dad and his family, the kids will not go behind his back- they like to keep the peace. Factor in keeping their allegiance to EXAG, and I can understand why they want to keep the peace, even if at the expense of turning their backs on other who love them (myself, my family, etc). (My family was pretty close with the kids, including about 6 cousins, etc)

So yesterday was the "No Tax Back-To-School Shopping Day." I really wanted to reach out to give the girls some money to buy themselves some nice things for school (one off to college in a few weeks). The giving side of me wants to just give to be nice. But I also struggle with the mindset of "The b*stards don't call or text back, they really don't deserve it." I am struggling with this.

I know gifts should be given without expectation, but I was really struggling (flip-flopping) yesterday.

Any advice?

AnvilheadII

donate the money to poor or underprivileged kids instead who can't afford school stuff. and let the girls be.

eventually you will run out of ways to try and stay connected with your ex.....sadly still all your posts revolve around her in one form or fashion.

Hammer

Look, Crazed, I usually wind up talking way too harsh to you, so let me just start there . . . . .

GET YOUR ASS TO ALANON.

mkay. Sorry. Not for telling you, but just that I lack any way better.

My Friend, you really Are at the "Let Go and Let God" stage.

Maybe really try it?

Stimmed

Hell Crazed

I would give them both everything that I knew they needed and think nothing of it. I remember what I was like as a teen... heh, some folk wouldn't even know if I was alive or not! I wasn't ignorant, I was just trying to figure things out for myself, in my own way and time.

FireSprite

Agreed... If you are giving just for Giving's Sake, then it shouldn't matter WHO the recipient is. I know locally you can donate school supplies for needy kids or military families.

Tuffgirl

If you don't feel comfortable with the potential outcome, don't do it. If you aren't attached to the outcome, then go for it. I know they would appreciate it, even if they don't respond.

And keep in mind that family has gone through hell in regards to your ex's issues. No wonder they are wary. I would be too.

Good luck!
~T

Crazed

Perhaps your interpretation based on past posts- My post here mentions nothing about a connection with the EX. It is about my relationship with the kids.

Hammer- I went yesterday morning. I am not sure how this will help me determine if I should have given them cash or not. From to the original question- What would you do?

atalose

It would appear that you already know these girls don’t want to be placed in the middle of things by their NO response, which is a giant red flag waving at you and your family.

So why do YOU keep insisting on wanting to intrude into their lives? YOU want to do something nice but the bastards don’t call or text back…………well then STOP BOTHERING THEM and putting yourself through this emotional struggle.

Crazed

Thanks for this- great advice

Crazed

The emotional struggle comes from them not being in my life anymore.

Carlotta

I like the idea of giving to charity. Look it up, I am pretty sure there is something in your area. I know that where I live, there is a campaign to help out foster kids getting back to school.
As far as the girls go, it s probably not personal but they are very young and basically torn between a bunch of different people with different agenda. Don't be surprise if they reconnect with you when they are more mature. Right now, it must be really hard on them. Give them some slack and don't build a resentment

Florence

Crazed, best advice I got was to stay in my own lane. Stop worrying about other people's business all the time. If you've let the kids know they're welcome to contact you and they haven't, well, that's that.

Stay in your own lane. Maybe get the kid of blinders horses wear, so you stop rubbernecking whatever is happening in your ex's neck of the woods. Their problems aren't your problems anymore. Fair or unfair, you were fired.

Stay in your own lane.

Jazzman

It's been my experience that when you split up with someone that has children you split up with them too. Regardless of the history/love/obligation/conscious/circumstances, etc,

Hammer

Fair enough.

Give to everyone. Give all. Give from your heart. Give without concern or regret.

===================

Truthfully, I am playing some games with God in this regard.

I figured I could "be a better Christian than Jesus" if I could get over 10%.

Yeah, I know. I am a jackass. One of my character issues.

Now He is messing with me in reverse bumping and bumping up the income.

I have been slamming $20 bills in the AA and Alanon baskets like they are $1 bills in a stripper's g-string, and He just keeps filling my wallet back up.

Funny World in God's Economy.

HopefulmomtoD

I think as painful as it must be, you have to let go of the girls. You've let them know you are there for them- now, its up to them.

I've felt the loss of kids in my life when relatives broke up with long term spouses/girlfriends with children. Its just part of the deal. It stinks.

I would not give them cash. For whatever reasons, at the time in their lives, they don't wish to be in contact with you. Don't make their lives any more complicated and painful than they probably already are.

FireSprite

Crazed, if the kids had no one else to care for them, were being abused or neglected then I could understand your concern.

In this case though, no matter what the reasons why, her kids ARE her. When you 2 broke up, so did you & her kids since they have not pursued a relationship with you outside of their mom.

Yes, it sucks. Yes, my feelings would be DEEPLY hurt & I would feel utterly disposable after having them in my life for years, but this would be the same issue even if your breakup was NOT alcohol related, IMO. It's a risk that every step-parent takes when they choose to parent their spouses' children from a previous marriage.... you run the risk of losing your relationship with the kids if/when the marriage terminates.

dandylion

Crazed, I have to say that I completely understand your bonding with the kids after 10yrs.
Remember that they are still kids---I believe that they did appreciate the gift and you will not be able to know what is in their hearts and their memories of you. Also, natural parents often wonder if their own kids even recognize them at this age!!

My grown, adult children often speak with fond memories of a boyfriend that I dated for a couple of years who was especially kind to them (we didn't even live together). I am surprised that they remember all the fun things he did with them and the gifts, etc. that they gave them. They would be delighted, today, to see him.....but, I l ost contact years ago and can't find him.

My husband who died, had raised his first wife's 3 daughters until they were out of high school before their divorce. For about 10 years he didn't hear from him. Then they got in contact with him one day (after I met and married him). We then held a reunion for them and their spouses, kids, etc. at our house. Their relationship continued till his recent sudden death. they were at his funeral and call me from time to time.

Everything good done from love matters. Love and give. The universe will take care of it from there o n out.

dandylion

DreamsofSerenity

Hi Crazed,

I would leave the girls alone. They probably know the counselors have advised mom to stay away from you during this time, so they are trying to do the same. I find this totally normal and probably pretty healthy. Giving them a gift is just going to stir the pot. They don't sound like they are lacking in anything material but they do sound like they really need some peace. Perhaps down the road, after their mom is strong in her sobriety, you can reconnect with them.

skippernlilg

There are different levels of "not being in your life anymore". I, too, have a stepson from my previous marriage. We have quite a history! We actually had him in our home for more than the every other weekend thing, and then later that stepson had Stage 4 cancer. I felt very close to him and to that side of the family. My son is his brother!! HOWEVER, my ex has made some choices that are unhealthy for my son and me. My stepson, now 19, has formed his allegiance and spends time with that unhealthy environment.

That is his path. I have let it all go, and I still include him when people say, "How many children do you have?" I think of him a whole lot, and I pray for him every day. This is how I can love him for now. He is in my life, just not physically in my presence. Of course I care!! Just not tying my actions to his actions to my actions in a circular motion.

bobbysocks

I have to agree with this poster.