lillamy

Honestly?
One of my best friends just got divorced. Friendly divorce, no addiction included, other issues. It was smooth sailing through the divorce. She had a son from a prior relationship and a girl together with this guy. So this guy practically raised the boy (they got married when the boy was six, he's now 16).

You know what broke the relationship between my friend and her ex?

That the 16-year-old got his license and the stepdad didn't even acknowledge it. And the next day, when my friend came to the house to pick the joint child up, she noticed that her ex had removed every photo in the house that had the boy in it. He still had pictures with her and their joint daughter, but it was as if the stepson he had raised for ten years had never existed.

The boy doesn't know yet. But he can't help but notice the next time he's at his stepdad's house. If he gets invited to come over. I don't know if he will.

While I don't think you necessarily have a responsibility for the children of an ex, the fact that you've raised them for the past ten years? That means something. Whether or not they send you thank you notes, whether or not they seem to care -- I would totally send them the money if I could afford it. AND I would send them cards for their birthdays, Christmas, graduations, unless I was expressely told to back the heck off.

They're kids. Their mom is an addict. They need all the sane adults they can have in their lives. As long as you don't meddle, and as long as it doesn't make you angry or sad to be in touch with them, I think you're doing a good thing sending them reminders that you care. But then again, I'm raising three children with serious abandonment issues, so I may be biased here.

Crazed

Lillamy- Thanks for that.

This has never happened. Since separation, EXAG has encouraged me to keep my relationship with them. Stepmom has also told me the same (not sure if her actions match her words) - heck, I've been in the kids lives for twice as long as they've even known her (can you feel my sense of entitlement!). I don't believe the kids have any issues with me. I think they have the issues with the situation.

My post was more about MY issues/struggle. While I want to continue to reach out to them (holidays, etc), BECAUSE IT WOULD BE NICE FOR THEM, I slip into my own selfish thinking of "If they can't even return a phone call, then they are not worthy of gifts."

Tuffgirl

Kids are inherently selfish and thoughtless. They don't have the social graces and world experience that adults normally have. Although I do know some teenagers who are far more mature than some grown ups I know...but I digress.

Thing is, they will remember the effort, even if its not acknowledged in the moment. And you will feel good just knowing you showed you care, even if its not reciprocated right away.

Florence

I agree with Tuffgirl and lillamy with a caveat -- before you continue to be a presence in their lives, you should get real about your relationship with their mom and whether you can handle being around the girls and giving them things while NOT having a relationship with their mom or pulling on the girls for information about their mom.

I worry that if you're in denial about the strength of your codependence, your presence will be another dysfunction in their lives and not an asset.

lillamy

Teenagers are a special breed, I swear. They may have good intentions but they have the attention spans of a gnat.

And this:
I would totally have those thoughts, too. Heck, I have those thoughts sometimes about my children and I gave birth to the ungrateful little buggers...

m1k3

There's that expectations issue jumping up again.

Don't give because you expect a thank you, give because you enjoy it. A thank you is like a scoop of ice cream on that slice of pie when you didn't order it.

Your friend,

Rosiepetal

If you give, do it without any expectations.
If you can't, then don't give in the first place.
Hope this helps.