pravchaw

I got up at 3:30 am today, thinking about my 21 yo son - who is in active addiction. (mj+alcohol). (weekends are the worst for me, when I miss him) I started reading my notes on addiction. I read the following which I had picked up somewhere in SR. While it is a hopeful message of tough love, I'd like to hear from recovering A's if this resonates with you. I have evicted my son from my home because of his addiction and related behaviors, hoping he will find recovery while scrapping the bottom. Am I on the right track? How tough should tough love be? Is not_enabling = disabling?

IF YOU LOVE ME, LET ME FALL

IF you love me let me fall all by myself. Don't try to spread a net out to catch me, don't throw a pillow under my ass to cushion the pain so I don't have to feel it, don't stand in the place I am going to land so that you can break the fall, (allowing yourself to get hurt instead of me)

Let me fall as far down as my addiction is going to take me, let me walk the valley alone all by myself, let me reach the bottom of the pit....trust that there is a bottom there somewhere even if you can't see it. The sooner you stop saving me from myself, stop rescuing me, trying to fix my broken-ness, trying to understand me to a fault, enabling me.....The sooner you allow me to feel the loss and consequences, the burden of my addiction on my shoulders and not yours....the sooner I will arrive....and on time....just right where I need to be...me, alone all by myself in the rubble of the lifestyle I lead...resist the urge to pull me out because that will only put me back at square one.

It I am allowed to stay at the bottom and live there for awhile, I am free to get sick of it on my own, free to begin to want out, free to look for a way out, and free to plan how I will climb back up to the top. In the beginning as I start to climb out....I just might slide back down, but don't worry I might have to hit bottom a couple more times before I make it out safe and sound.

Don't you see?? Don't you know?? You can't do this for me...I have to do it for myself, but if you are always breaking the fall how am I ever supposed to feel the pain that is part of the driving force to want to get well. It is my burden to carry, not yours.

I know you love me and that you mean well and a lot of what you do is because you don't know what to do and you act from your heart and from knowledge of what is best for me....but if you truly love me, let me go my own way, make my own choices be they bad or good.

Don't clip my wings before I can learn to fly....nudge me out of your safety net....trust the process and pray for me.....that one day I will not only fly, but maybe even soar.

soberhawk

Having kids is like having a part of your heart wandering around and when they get of age – you have little control and when they make terrible decisions it is devastating.

Struggling with our own addictions is easy compared what you have to struggle with.

I do not like the language in the text, it has nothing to do with tough love.

You love your son – well you are up at 3:30 am – and it is hurtful.

You just can not help him if you are part of the problem and if you are providing shelter and food while he is engaging in his addictions – you could easily become part of the problem.

I would more think of it “You are my son I love you and I will always do, but you are a mess and I have to do what I think is best for you.”

I do not know your son or what is driving him, the addiction is - but probably also a lot of sense of failure. Being young and feeling like a failure, your fathers company is probably not the easiest.

You have to be practical and try to behave in a way where you can become part of the solution – it is difficult and hurtful, I do not see it as tough love.

pravchaw

Thanks Sober hawk for providing a different frame. Removing ourselves from Being part of the problem is an interesting way of looking at things.

You may also be right that my presence reminds him of his failure. I will explore this line of thinking further.

tootsl1

Pravchaw, we have to live our own life's, fall or survive. I guess all you can do is be there for him if and when he is ready to fight his addiction. We often blame our parents for the way we are, it is a weak excuse, as adults we ought to be able to take responsibility for ourselves and our actions. He needs to know that you love him, and that you are trying to understand him, but that you cannot stand by and watch him destroy his life. I feel for you, damned if you do, damned if you don't. I hope you find plenty of support on the friends and family forum and / or al anon. I wish you and your son well.

soberhawk

I hope I did not give the impression that you were the cause if his problems, that was not what I meant.

I have two sons at similar age, a couple of years younger. I feel strongly with you. My youngest used mj years back, I did notice that after ½ year or so. That experience kept me sober for 18 months, I was devastated over this. He was young and I had a lot more strings to play on.

When we talk about this today (he is 18) – he says that I overreacted totally and it was not that bad and so on. He still can not see how much it influenced him at that time – his experience was very different from what in reality was going on and what I saw.

When they are 21 you do not have the same influence as when they are in their early teens – and you can not make decisions for them.

When I wrote not to be part of the problem I meant that I would try to think about “You have a problem, and you are a mess.” But avoid a relationship where he is lying to me or stealing from me.

Maybe I am way of – it is terrible difficult.

I do hope it will work out for him.

pravchaw

Sober hawk, Not at all. You gave me a new frame of reference. The problem of addiction is his, by evicting him, from the home I am protecting myself and other members of the family from his chaos. By providing food and shelter I was enabling his addiction (part of the problem). Now that he is on his own he has to allocate his time and resources to food, shelter and addiction. There is less left over for addiction. He is struggling in a low paying job etc but that is the life he has chosen...

My younger son (19) now was also smoking mj last year. But this year he has become serious on his future and has quit. The older one has gone from bad to worse, dropped out of college and making very bad choices. At the moment he is barely functional.

Boleo

This reminds me of what happens when someone helps a butterfly escape from it's cocoon. It nearly always dies as the result of too much help.

Gottalife

As a wayward son I can only say that I am grateful that I was cut loose to face the full consequences of my actions. The ones that tried to carry me only made me worse, even though they had the best of intentions. But when I had lost all, when they had all washed their hands of me, that was the time I was in the best position to recover, and with the help of AA, recover is what I did.