Advice/support?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 23
Advice/support?
Hi
Looking for some support/advice , opinions?
I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 7 years now and he has been an alcoholic the whole time but things have got really bad in the last year leading to alcoholic seizures, crazy amount of time off his work due to being comatosed by alcohol and no doubt he will soon be sacked.
I don't know what to do I feel so alone , I have tried everything to help him- went to the doctors numerous times with him, support him in him attending AA meetings engaging with the community addiction team, BUT still he drinks! he will promise me not to drink again try his "best" and mess it up within a short time. Think the longest he has given me is 11 days sober.
I am on the verge of a breakdown, it's making me so ill , im so anxious for his well being all the time , exhausted from looking after him when he's out cold from drinking too much.
I love him so much want to be with him, we have children together as well.
But im now at the point where im thinking i'm stupid for thinking he will ever change? It's affecting my oldest child when she sees us arguing which she shouldn't ever see , I am near to giving up my job because im so stressed and anxious, can't cope , honestly at breaking point.
Am I enabling him to drink because I stay with him and not break up with him?
I feel so lost and alone I don't have anyone to talk to about this
Any advice , someone to talk to would be appreciated
Thanks for listening
Looking for some support/advice , opinions?
I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 7 years now and he has been an alcoholic the whole time but things have got really bad in the last year leading to alcoholic seizures, crazy amount of time off his work due to being comatosed by alcohol and no doubt he will soon be sacked.
I don't know what to do I feel so alone , I have tried everything to help him- went to the doctors numerous times with him, support him in him attending AA meetings engaging with the community addiction team, BUT still he drinks! he will promise me not to drink again try his "best" and mess it up within a short time. Think the longest he has given me is 11 days sober.
I am on the verge of a breakdown, it's making me so ill , im so anxious for his well being all the time , exhausted from looking after him when he's out cold from drinking too much.
I love him so much want to be with him, we have children together as well.
But im now at the point where im thinking i'm stupid for thinking he will ever change? It's affecting my oldest child when she sees us arguing which she shouldn't ever see , I am near to giving up my job because im so stressed and anxious, can't cope , honestly at breaking point.
Am I enabling him to drink because I stay with him and not break up with him?
I feel so lost and alone I don't have anyone to talk to about this
Any advice , someone to talk to would be appreciated
Thanks for listening
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Hi Starlight & welcome.
You've come to the right place -- you're really among friends here. We've all seen shades of what you're going through, one way or another.
When I first came here about seven years ago, I was pretty much where you are. I had kids with a husband who was an alcoholic. He had been "functioning" (keeping a job, paying the bills, not being too disagreeable) for years, but as he kept drinking, things kept going downhill and I was desperately trying everything in my might to get him to get sober.
I started going to Al-Anon about the same time I started reading and posting here. What I learned in both places is what we call "the three Cs" -- you didn't CAUSE his drinking, you can't CONTROL it, and you can't CURE it."
Living with an alcoholic does make you feel a little crazy, doesn't it? I sure felt that way.
The good news is that there's lots of experience and information here. Hang around. Read the "stickies" -- the posts at the top of the page -- and posts by other members. You'll see that we're all dealing with the fallout of someone else's drinking.
I ended up leaving and divorcing my husband. He's still drinking and it's still getting worse. But it took me many years to work up to doing that. Don't feel like you have to have all the answers today. Read, learn, grow. And then make your decision when you feel ready.
Hug those kids.
You've come to the right place -- you're really among friends here. We've all seen shades of what you're going through, one way or another.
When I first came here about seven years ago, I was pretty much where you are. I had kids with a husband who was an alcoholic. He had been "functioning" (keeping a job, paying the bills, not being too disagreeable) for years, but as he kept drinking, things kept going downhill and I was desperately trying everything in my might to get him to get sober.
I started going to Al-Anon about the same time I started reading and posting here. What I learned in both places is what we call "the three Cs" -- you didn't CAUSE his drinking, you can't CONTROL it, and you can't CURE it."
Living with an alcoholic does make you feel a little crazy, doesn't it? I sure felt that way.
The good news is that there's lots of experience and information here. Hang around. Read the "stickies" -- the posts at the top of the page -- and posts by other members. You'll see that we're all dealing with the fallout of someone else's drinking.
I ended up leaving and divorcing my husband. He's still drinking and it's still getting worse. But it took me many years to work up to doing that. Don't feel like you have to have all the answers today. Read, learn, grow. And then make your decision when you feel ready.
Hug those kids.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
Hi Starlight, sorry for your situation but glad you found SR. I was in your shoes a year ago. Stressed out all the time. Worried about his health, crazy worried when I knew he was driving. Arguing, empty promises. The heartbreak when he would give me a little hope, then drink again. Going with him to Dr appointments, standing my him through 3 different rehabs. Not able to talk to friends or family about it. Ugh.
Here's the harsh reality. No matter how much we want to help the A....we can't. If they're not willing to get into true recovery, there is nothing we can do to make it happen. We have no control over their behaviors. This is a progressive disease, as you are now witness to. They will continue to deteriorate, and the home situation will get worse. There is only one thing we can control....what WE do about OUR life. You have children to protect.
Take the time to learn all you can. Find an AlAnon meeting near you, and start going. It's advised you attend at least 6 meetings before deciding if it's for you or not. The rooms of AlAnon are full of people who "get it". They've all been in your shoes, there is no judgement. It's a very safe place to vent, cry, talk. You will get a tremendous amount of support and learn from everyone else's experiences. Most of the meetings have child care as well.
Find the book "CoDependent No More" by Melody Beattie. It's an eye opener, and will help you in your journey.
Keep posting here, there is hope and happiness ahead if you want it. We'll help you find that path.
Here's the harsh reality. No matter how much we want to help the A....we can't. If they're not willing to get into true recovery, there is nothing we can do to make it happen. We have no control over their behaviors. This is a progressive disease, as you are now witness to. They will continue to deteriorate, and the home situation will get worse. There is only one thing we can control....what WE do about OUR life. You have children to protect.
Take the time to learn all you can. Find an AlAnon meeting near you, and start going. It's advised you attend at least 6 meetings before deciding if it's for you or not. The rooms of AlAnon are full of people who "get it". They've all been in your shoes, there is no judgement. It's a very safe place to vent, cry, talk. You will get a tremendous amount of support and learn from everyone else's experiences. Most of the meetings have child care as well.
Find the book "CoDependent No More" by Melody Beattie. It's an eye opener, and will help you in your journey.
Keep posting here, there is hope and happiness ahead if you want it. We'll help you find that path.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Hello Starlight23,
This is one of the saddest things I have ever read.
Out of seven years,
You are NOT stupid. You are a loving person trying to get bread from the hardware store.
I sincerely hope you can find some support through some local AlAnon meetings.
Please consider that your oldest is going to continue to see your husbands
dysfunction daily as long as you are living together.
I had an alcoholic father, and my search to find a partner included alcoholics.
She is learning from you and your husband what a marriage looks like.
I spent decades trying to fix my childhood.
2 of those decades I was an actively drinking alcoholic.
I lived what I learned, just as my children did.
11 days sober out of 7 years?
I think you have given enough of your time and your precious children's lives on
someone who seems unwilling to make any serious effort to recover.
I am sorry for this, I know how you feel, I have been there too.
By finding SR, you have found the best place for support!
Lots of people who completely get where you are now.
You can talk about it all here.
You can learn to take the focus off of him and put it on yourself.
Once you learn to take care of yourself, you will be taking care of your children.
A grown man who is choosing to get stone cold drunk does not need your care.
He needs to get sober, and the only person who can do that is HIM.
Keep coming back Starlight, we care about you.
Beth
This is one of the saddest things I have ever read.
Out of seven years,
Think the longest he has given me is 11 days sober.
But im now at the point where im thinking i'm stupid for thinking he will ever change? It's affecting my oldest child when she sees us arguing which she shouldn't ever see , I am near to giving up my job because im so stressed and anxious, can't cope , honestly at breaking point.
I sincerely hope you can find some support through some local AlAnon meetings.
Please consider that your oldest is going to continue to see your husbands
dysfunction daily as long as you are living together.
I had an alcoholic father, and my search to find a partner included alcoholics.
She is learning from you and your husband what a marriage looks like.
I spent decades trying to fix my childhood.
2 of those decades I was an actively drinking alcoholic.
I lived what I learned, just as my children did.
11 days sober out of 7 years?
I think you have given enough of your time and your precious children's lives on
someone who seems unwilling to make any serious effort to recover.
I feel so lost and alone I don't have anyone to talk to about this
By finding SR, you have found the best place for support!
Lots of people who completely get where you are now.
You can talk about it all here.
You can learn to take the focus off of him and put it on yourself.
Once you learn to take care of yourself, you will be taking care of your children.
A grown man who is choosing to get stone cold drunk does not need your care.
He needs to get sober, and the only person who can do that is HIM.
Keep coming back Starlight, we care about you.
Beth
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Edmonton
Posts: 10
I'm so sorry that you're going through this but I want to say welcome and that many of us are going through/have been through some of the things you are feeling right now.
One thing you said really stuck with me is that you feel lonely. My alcoholic boyfriend and I just broke up about 2 months ago and although I'm very lonely now, I realized I was just as lonely in the relationship...which is no good.
I found this really great quote that said "It is better to be alone than being with someone who makes you feel alone."
It really is true though...as hard of a time as I'm having (nights are the worst), I'm happy to be away from the stress. The stress of worrying, watching, waiting. No more fights, no more manipulation and him making me feel like I'm crazy. We tend to ignore the bad things and grasp tightly to the good memories even though they really don't outweigh the bad stuff.
I think that you need to look deep into yourself and think about it. Take the time to picture yourself with and without him. Think about YOU and your KIDS and your guys' happiness. Will he change? It's hard to say, but do you want to stick around to find out? You deserve to be happy.
Sending you love and hugs.
Keep posting, we're here for you.
One thing you said really stuck with me is that you feel lonely. My alcoholic boyfriend and I just broke up about 2 months ago and although I'm very lonely now, I realized I was just as lonely in the relationship...which is no good.
I found this really great quote that said "It is better to be alone than being with someone who makes you feel alone."
It really is true though...as hard of a time as I'm having (nights are the worst), I'm happy to be away from the stress. The stress of worrying, watching, waiting. No more fights, no more manipulation and him making me feel like I'm crazy. We tend to ignore the bad things and grasp tightly to the good memories even though they really don't outweigh the bad stuff.
I think that you need to look deep into yourself and think about it. Take the time to picture yourself with and without him. Think about YOU and your KIDS and your guys' happiness. Will he change? It's hard to say, but do you want to stick around to find out? You deserve to be happy.
Sending you love and hugs.
Keep posting, we're here for you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 565
Originally Posted by wicked 
A grown man who is choosing to get stone cold drunk does not need your care.
He needs to get sober, and the only person who can do that is HIM.
Dang! That's even hard to type!!!!
We want to help the people we love, Starlight. And there's nothing messed up about that. But he needs to help himself with this one. And you need to help YOU.
Perhaps the first (and biggest?) step, is to untangle the knot of confusion and fear that keeps us from understanding the difference between helping another/helping ourselves. For me, it has taken reading/posting here at SR, and Alanon, friends and therapy. And I am still learning.
Take care, take heart. You will find your way through.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 23
Thanks for everyones replies 
nice to know that others understand what i'm going through and that I'm not the only one to feel this way.
So hard to know what the best decision is- to stay and hope that he will change like he keeps promising or to leave and not have the stress of it all but kids also miss out on seeing their daddy everyday, which I know would kill him, he's such an amazing dad when he's sober would do anything for them ,always playing games and making them laugh but then on the other hand wondering why Daddy's in bed - he's not well I tell them ( What I really want to say is he is being a selfish a**hole once again and cares more about booze than his family)
Yeah it's true when you talk about feeling alone lol I probably wouldn't feel much lonelier if I wasn't with him
When I threaten to leave him he starts talking about suicide and how he will not be able to live without me or the kids- he has said this drunk and sober. tbh I would actually think he would do something stupid imo as the drink has just totally messed him right up!
When I said the most he has given me is 11 days sober , i meant like in a row ( Didn't word that v well! apologies ) the other times it will be like 3 days out of each week he will be sober the other 4 drunk out his face.
He does make an effort to a certain extent goes to AA meeting several times a week , has an AA buddy who helps guide him when he can.
Has tried counselling but didn't work for him!
I have kicked him out before sent him to stay family members house but then I let him back home after the 11 days
too soft maybe?
He's a sneaky **** as well never drinks in the house , I wouldn't allow it! So does it on the way home from work or any chance he gets really - at work , going to shop for msgs.
Yeah and likewise I don't want my children to turn to drink because of seeing their fathers alcoholic episodes. my kids never see their father drinking but they are not daft , my oldest knows something isn't right when "daddy is being mean to mummy". Hard to contain an alcoholics horrible personality when drunk.
So sad nobody should have to live like this and I have sympathy to a certain point as I do believe it's a horrible illness BUT also that people can take ACTION to get better like all of you have mentioned HE has to put the effort in, to which he does but never keeps it going , takes the easy option out when the **** gets tough.
Honestly think life is a test sometimes and you just have to get through it and come out the other side.
Just knowing what the right thing to do is sooo hard!
He is the most amazing man ever sober treats me like a princess , amazing daddy but as soon as he gets a drink the monster is out.
I actually think il be organising his funeral soon ,I keep thinking he's going to have one of these seizures and go into cardiac failure which is a sure possiblity , makes me so sad I shouldn't be thinking that, can't sleep at night as worry he will have seizure in his sleep and something bad happen, can't concentrate in work as wonder what state he will come home in, actual living nightmare, truth is I would still worry constantly about him if I were to split from him, that's how much I love him.
Has anyone left their partner/husband and they have changed because of it?
I think maybe If I leave him for a couple of months he will be shocked and see sense and make an effort to make everything right but then on the other hand I think he might just think his life is over and spiral into a black hole, drink himself to death.
God I wish I knew what the right thing to do is
nice to know that others understand what i'm going through and that I'm not the only one to feel this way.So hard to know what the best decision is- to stay and hope that he will change like he keeps promising or to leave and not have the stress of it all but kids also miss out on seeing their daddy everyday, which I know would kill him, he's such an amazing dad when he's sober would do anything for them ,always playing games and making them laugh but then on the other hand wondering why Daddy's in bed - he's not well I tell them ( What I really want to say is he is being a selfish a**hole once again and cares more about booze than his family)
Yeah it's true when you talk about feeling alone lol I probably wouldn't feel much lonelier if I wasn't with him
When I threaten to leave him he starts talking about suicide and how he will not be able to live without me or the kids- he has said this drunk and sober. tbh I would actually think he would do something stupid imo as the drink has just totally messed him right up!
When I said the most he has given me is 11 days sober , i meant like in a row ( Didn't word that v well! apologies ) the other times it will be like 3 days out of each week he will be sober the other 4 drunk out his face.
He does make an effort to a certain extent goes to AA meeting several times a week , has an AA buddy who helps guide him when he can.
Has tried counselling but didn't work for him!
I have kicked him out before sent him to stay family members house but then I let him back home after the 11 days
too soft maybe? He's a sneaky **** as well never drinks in the house , I wouldn't allow it! So does it on the way home from work or any chance he gets really - at work , going to shop for msgs.
Yeah and likewise I don't want my children to turn to drink because of seeing their fathers alcoholic episodes. my kids never see their father drinking but they are not daft , my oldest knows something isn't right when "daddy is being mean to mummy". Hard to contain an alcoholics horrible personality when drunk.
So sad nobody should have to live like this and I have sympathy to a certain point as I do believe it's a horrible illness BUT also that people can take ACTION to get better like all of you have mentioned HE has to put the effort in, to which he does but never keeps it going , takes the easy option out when the **** gets tough.
Honestly think life is a test sometimes and you just have to get through it and come out the other side.
Just knowing what the right thing to do is sooo hard!
He is the most amazing man ever sober treats me like a princess , amazing daddy but as soon as he gets a drink the monster is out.
I actually think il be organising his funeral soon ,I keep thinking he's going to have one of these seizures and go into cardiac failure which is a sure possiblity , makes me so sad I shouldn't be thinking that, can't sleep at night as worry he will have seizure in his sleep and something bad happen, can't concentrate in work as wonder what state he will come home in, actual living nightmare, truth is I would still worry constantly about him if I were to split from him, that's how much I love him.
Has anyone left their partner/husband and they have changed because of it?
I think maybe If I leave him for a couple of months he will be shocked and see sense and make an effort to make everything right but then on the other hand I think he might just think his life is over and spiral into a black hole, drink himself to death.
God I wish I knew what the right thing to do is
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 73
Hello StarLight and welcome. You've received some good advice here. if I may add my 2 cents worth...there is no way to guarantee he will ever change. But thats something only HE can do and when HE is ready. We can not change an alcoholic from being an alcoholic. All we can change is ourselves and our situations. Think of YOU and your kid(s). IMO he isnt too serious about changing. Its time you put your life and the life of your kids FIRST.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by Starlight23
God I wish I knew what the right thing to do is
Here's a link to a meeting directory http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/how-to-find-a-meeting and here's a link within SR about what to expect at an Alanon meeting http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ings-like.html
It only takes an hour of your time, and I don't know about you, but I have surely spent way more than that on really nonproductive things like worrying and chasing round and round in circles in my head about what to do...so please consider giving that a try.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 136
Starlight23:
You can't help him any more--please do everything you need to do to help yourself & children and put happiness back in you life.
If you're not sure whether to leave or stay--do both! Stay for now but do your best first to detach emotionally and make your plans for if & when you are ready to leave. If he finally gets it when you detach from him & gets into recovery-great. . .but if he doesn't then you will be ready to move or have him move out & you will have a plan in place.
Good luck to you--it is hard journey you are starting on but many before have succeeded--you will too! Do it with Style!
You can't help him any more--please do everything you need to do to help yourself & children and put happiness back in you life.
If you're not sure whether to leave or stay--do both! Stay for now but do your best first to detach emotionally and make your plans for if & when you are ready to leave. If he finally gets it when you detach from him & gets into recovery-great. . .but if he doesn't then you will be ready to move or have him move out & you will have a plan in place.
Good luck to you--it is hard journey you are starting on but many before have succeeded--you will too! Do it with Style!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: England, UK
Posts: 257
I'm very guilty of black and white thinking. I thought I had two options, stay and be together forever or go and break up forever. There are in fact many combinations of possibilities between these two! If you do decide to seperate in order to protect yourself and your children from the negative effects of your partners drinking it does not need to be forever. If he does all of a sudden sort himself out then you can still have a future if that's what you both want. If not, then you have saved yourself and your children a lot of damage.
Or since you value his sober self so much, but are hurt by his intoxicated self you can set out a boundary: I will only allow you around me and the children when you are sober. That way you can enjoy his good bits, protect yourself from the bad bits and he sees he has a clear choice that he can drink or he can have his family, not both, and he is free to make that choice, however hurtful the outcome may be.
Of course that sounds straightforward, but I appreciate how hard making something like that happen is! I'm struggling with leaving an alcoholic after going back and forth in my head about his 'good side', about the hope this time the promises will be for real and somehow we would be happy. It is very hard, but you have to make decisions based on what IS now, not what MIGHT be.
Or since you value his sober self so much, but are hurt by his intoxicated self you can set out a boundary: I will only allow you around me and the children when you are sober. That way you can enjoy his good bits, protect yourself from the bad bits and he sees he has a clear choice that he can drink or he can have his family, not both, and he is free to make that choice, however hurtful the outcome may be.
Of course that sounds straightforward, but I appreciate how hard making something like that happen is! I'm struggling with leaving an alcoholic after going back and forth in my head about his 'good side', about the hope this time the promises will be for real and somehow we would be happy. It is very hard, but you have to make decisions based on what IS now, not what MIGHT be.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 23
Really think it's time to give hime the boot!
Done all I can to help him and like everyone has said it's up to him to change.
Tonight was the last straw! Went out of my way to drop him off at an AA meeting (his choice I didn't make him) watched him walk through the door then he phoned asking for a lift.
Guess who was drunk, honestly was just like a smack in the face. Talk about taking the **** out of someone!
Denies it of course thinks im stupid! then eventually admits it , aw cos im stressed about this n that bla bla bla. pityful excuses!
Honestly who goes to an AA meeting then leaves after it to go to the pub then phone their partner for a lift. Feel like punching him right in the face!
God knows how I hold myself back doing it!
So tomo I will be telling him when he has sobered that he can pack his **** n go.
Will do what you have mentioned Wavy give him an ultimatum family or drink! He can go stay somewhere else and prove to me that he can change or it's finito!
I won't be moving out he's in the wrong!
Only time will tell I suppose!
Im actually thinking of looking into those al anon meetings , felt a little bit apprehensive n scared about them at first but think they may actually help me a lot, can only try and see.
Thanks everyone, ur kind words and help mean a lot to me at this difficult time <3
Done all I can to help him and like everyone has said it's up to him to change.
Tonight was the last straw! Went out of my way to drop him off at an AA meeting (his choice I didn't make him) watched him walk through the door then he phoned asking for a lift.
Guess who was drunk, honestly was just like a smack in the face. Talk about taking the **** out of someone!
Denies it of course thinks im stupid! then eventually admits it , aw cos im stressed about this n that bla bla bla. pityful excuses!
Honestly who goes to an AA meeting then leaves after it to go to the pub then phone their partner for a lift. Feel like punching him right in the face!
God knows how I hold myself back doing it!
So tomo I will be telling him when he has sobered that he can pack his **** n go.
Will do what you have mentioned Wavy give him an ultimatum family or drink! He can go stay somewhere else and prove to me that he can change or it's finito!
I won't be moving out he's in the wrong!
Only time will tell I suppose!
Im actually thinking of looking into those al anon meetings , felt a little bit apprehensive n scared about them at first but think they may actually help me a lot, can only try and see.
Thanks everyone, ur kind words and help mean a lot to me at this difficult time <3
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Long Branch, NJ
Posts: 253
I just read this. Come back here and you will find a bunch of us who have lived your life. Unfortunately, we're not that rare a breed! I booted my alcoholic husband a long time ago, but he's still around because we have a daughter together, and I still have some of the tendencies in life to think I can fix things I can't fix. Sometmes I just come to this forum and read without posting anything, and it helps. Lots of smart people here.
If I can give you one word of advice, it's start thinking about taking care of YOU. Imagine that. It's easy to say, hard to do if you're not used to it.
If I can give you one word of advice, it's start thinking about taking care of YOU. Imagine that. It's easy to say, hard to do if you're not used to it.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: England, UK
Posts: 257
Yes it hurts when we feel hope that they are making positive changes, like going to a meeting, only to be let down again by them drinking. I'm glad its increased your resolve to look after yourself, that is one positive at least.
I was very nervous about going to my first AlAnon meeting too, but I am SO GLAD I went. So. Glad. Everyone is incredibly supportive and non-judgemental. All the people there will have been through some part of what you've been through and you are all there with the joint purpose of improving your lives. It is a wonderful sanctuary of hope in the midst of the chaos alcoholism.
I was very nervous about going to my first AlAnon meeting too, but I am SO GLAD I went. So. Glad. Everyone is incredibly supportive and non-judgemental. All the people there will have been through some part of what you've been through and you are all there with the joint purpose of improving your lives. It is a wonderful sanctuary of hope in the midst of the chaos alcoholism.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 23
He dissappeared this morning after I told him he was to pack his bags or I would go.
Hasn't answered his phone at all so I know he's at some so called "friend"s housing , drinking himself into oblivion.
Guess he's made it easier for me, but I'm still unsure what to do going to lose the house soon enough as he will lose his job and we won't be able to pay the mortgage. What hurts me most is the kids losing their home, my youngest asking where daddy was tonight , breaks my heart.
He hasn't even bothered to phone to see how the kids are, guess that's what drink does to you makes you a selfish pig!
Feel like my whole life is falling apart , actually feel helpless! I can say i'm going to leave him start afresh but in all honesty don't know if im strong enough, brave enough and don't want a diff house and a diff life just want my old life back.
Hasn't answered his phone at all so I know he's at some so called "friend"s housing , drinking himself into oblivion.
Guess he's made it easier for me, but I'm still unsure what to do going to lose the house soon enough as he will lose his job and we won't be able to pay the mortgage. What hurts me most is the kids losing their home, my youngest asking where daddy was tonight , breaks my heart.
He hasn't even bothered to phone to see how the kids are, guess that's what drink does to you makes you a selfish pig!
Feel like my whole life is falling apart , actually feel helpless! I can say i'm going to leave him start afresh but in all honesty don't know if im strong enough, brave enough and don't want a diff house and a diff life just want my old life back.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: somewhere south
Posts: 510
Hugs Starlight,
you will get through this! You are stronger than you think. You are hurting and grieving and sad and angry and a lot of other emotions all tied into one. Give yourself time to get through this. Know you are setting an amazing example for your kids of what behavior is not to be tolerated in a relationship. They are lucky to have you. Hang in there, time will make it easier.
you will get through this! You are stronger than you think. You are hurting and grieving and sad and angry and a lot of other emotions all tied into one. Give yourself time to get through this. Know you are setting an amazing example for your kids of what behavior is not to be tolerated in a relationship. They are lucky to have you. Hang in there, time will make it easier.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 23
You know I have actually got quite a lot done today without him and I'm feeling a little more positive.
Last time he did this he disappeared for 4 nights and I was worried about him, called him so many times and cried my heart out and made myself quite ill with worry,
This time I cried a little but only because kids were asking were he was and that they were missing him.
Only sent him one text as well in regard to the kids, quite proud of myself!
I know why he's ignoring me , to manipulate me and make me feel bad about me breaking up with him, this time i'm not going to feel guilty tho!
Who knows what the next few days will bring I dread to think!
Thank you unsureoffuture for your v kind words that has lifted my mood and made me feel not as negative
Last time he did this he disappeared for 4 nights and I was worried about him, called him so many times and cried my heart out and made myself quite ill with worry,
This time I cried a little but only because kids were asking were he was and that they were missing him.
Only sent him one text as well in regard to the kids, quite proud of myself!
I know why he's ignoring me , to manipulate me and make me feel bad about me breaking up with him, this time i'm not going to feel guilty tho!
Who knows what the next few days will bring I dread to think!
Thank you unsureoffuture for your v kind words that has lifted my mood and made me feel not as negative
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: England, UK
Posts: 257
It takes a lot of courage to stand up for yourself and say this isn't acceptable, so well done! I understand about not wanting to have to build a new life, but just wanting your old one back. What you don't know yet is that as long as you keep looking after yourself and your kids and take the focus off the destruction from the alcoholic that new life will be better than you ever thought possible. None of us know what that will look like for you, or even for ourselves, but we have to trust that its true. I'm about to take the leap of leaving my ABF and its scary and I don't know what the future holds. I don't want to lose my home and the comfort of the known, but I am unhappy and now I am at a point where I want to be happy more than I want those things. There is happiness out there and it will find me as long as I am open to it in whatever form it may take. There is happiness out there for you too. YOU CAN DO THIS! ((((hugs)))
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