Advice on getting over some very strong feelings

Old 08-05-2013, 10:28 PM
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Advice on getting over some very strong feelings

Hi all,

I've been super busy and haven't been on the forums lately. A lot of strong feelings came back after backpacking (beautiful river hiking) over the weekend with friends that my xagf and I have in common. She has been dating some new guy RIGHT after we broke it off and they are already doing camping trips together including her 2 boys. I always felt it was better to not bring the kids into the relationship early on so I kept my distance on that front.

What do you guys think about the kids part? I'm curious about it in general not just in my x's case. If I ever date a woman with kids again.

I also really REALLY missed not having her there to share a wonderful experience with. I miss laughing, relaxing, being close, best friend etc. I am truly hurting now, not quite sure why it's hitting me so hard now. I basically feel like my gut has been sliced and I'm bleeding on the ground. I have been crying up a storm and in the past 2+ months I haven't been even able to imagine myself touching another woman let alone being interested. My birthday is also on the horizon.

On another note I also talked about this past relationship with a friend of mine on the long drive back home. I feel like I need to shut up about it already but I'm also trying to be "vulnerable" in talking it out. Maybe at this point I just have to man up but wth is this? Why is this dragging for me?

Thanks for reading and any advice is appreciated. I figure I just have to weather the storm, but damn I have never felt this intense after a relationship or my memory is failing me with an optimum-bias looking back.
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Old 08-05-2013, 11:04 PM
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I would be glad he's the one getting to deal with the alcoholic crazy train and not you. I know it's not that easy, but you're really getting the better end of the deal here. Relationships coming to an end are never easy and there's always a recovery period afterwards. Are you going to Al-Anon? If not, you probably should.

As for kids, having been a single mother for a while, I can say that kids should never be brought in unless you're pretty serious about the person. I wouldn't let anyone meet my kids. My husband met them kind of early on accident, but I knew in my heart he was the one. His kids, on the other hand, live with their mother, who is on her third live-in bf in as many years. Those kids are so confused about how families and relationships work. It's really sad.
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Old 08-05-2013, 11:37 PM
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So kids really do get confused with men coming in and out. How does it affect them negatively, specifically?

Yea I'm not getting hooked back in and know that I'm better off. I just haven't shaken this and I'm having a bad few days with it. This one's recovery period just seems to be taking longer than expected.

I have been to al-anon and I'm pretty clear on that front, I'm just so overwhelmed with emotion it's crazy! Lot's going on in life.
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Old 08-05-2013, 11:54 PM
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Hey Zen,

I'm so sorry you are hurting.

Immediately after your break-up, you were SO strong and put together. Remember how I thought you were just posing as a codie on SR to do research or something? Well, maybe you were not allowing yourself to truly mourn the loss of the relationship and it is all coming out now?

Also, being with the mutual friends, and discussing her over the weekend probably wasn't the best thing for you emotionally, especially if they don't know the full extent of what a mess she is. It can be upsetting because they are speaking about her as if she is a nice, normal, person, and then their reality starts to infiltrate your own. Before you know it, you are remembering her as a nice, normal, person, and consequently, missing her.(I'm not sure this is what happened with you but it has happened with me so I'm throwing it out there. )

As for the kid thing, you know she is using poor judgement introducing her children to the new guy. You had good intuition to stay away from the kids and did both them and yourself a favor. Your ex wants to hang out with her new guy, and get attention/laid. Instead of waiting for a weekend when the kids are with their father, she drags them along. She is putting her needs and wants above the needs of her children, just like she did when she got wasted and blacked out in front of them. Why? Because she is a selfish alcoholic.

I think revisiting SR will ground you in reality. A lot of this sounds like you are missing someone who never really existed in the first place.

Hugs
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Old 08-06-2013, 12:08 AM
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I have been allowing myself to mourn but wow it hit me hard this weekend. I realize we go through the grieving stages multiple times but I do feel this is a little excessive...

In conversation I have mentioned that she drinks too much for me, the drinkers all go hrmm... my friends that aren't big drinkers instantly know what I'm talking about it and say it out loud "oh you mean she's an alcoholic". I don't feel bad that I've said that. Maybe it's not my place but whatever. I do need to do a better job of shutting the F up about her for my own sake.

What I do need help is in getting myself in check. I agree with you I need to get grounded in reality, my mind has floated somewhere fantastical.
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Old 08-06-2013, 05:45 AM
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Do you think you got so upset because the friends were talking about her being with her new boyfriend, and that you were imagining her, him, and the two kids as a healthy little family, like it's something you could have had but lost?

My ex is probably with someone new but luckily I don't know about it. If I found out he was backpacking with some woman and her two kids, my ass would be kicked too; I'd be totally devastated. I think the biggest part of the pain would be realizing how little I actually meant to him. Do you think that is part of what happened with you? I mean, here you are suffering, posting on SR, and not even considering dating, and she is playing happy couple with some unsuspecting codie. It does really suck, Zen.

Any info you get about your ex is a form of contact in that it stirs up your emotions and makes you think about her. Maybe you could tell your friends not to say anything to you about her? The more she can vanish from your life, the better.
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Old 08-06-2013, 06:20 AM
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ZenMe,

Something that worked really well for me is mindfulness. Google it and you will find tons of information.

The I used it was whenever I caught myself focusing on her, arguments in my head, missing her and anger for example I would ask myself a question to bring myself back to the present moment. Questions like who are you talking to, and that isn't real.

Just something to slow down the crazy train in my head and give me a chance to jump off. I don't use the questions any more but I still use mindfulness to help keep me centered and in the present moment.

Your friend,
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Old 08-06-2013, 06:32 AM
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I don't feel bad that I've said that. Maybe it's not my place but whatever. I do need to do a better job of shutting the F up about her for my own sake.
It's your story too.

Like Mike, I practice mindfulness. Sometimes I think, "Oh yeah, get back in your own lane, Florence."

She moved on, as people do after breakups. Maybe what you're seeing now is validation that she lacks boundaries and needs to be with someone at any costs -- anyone. How does it affect the kids? The kids see that mom's priorities are on herself and in spite of whatever attention they need. Either way, it was what it was. You loved someone who was broken, and it hurt when it was over. As these things do. Let go of any fantasies that this new relationship is good. Until she gets right with god, herself, and her kids, whoever she's beholden to in this world, she will remain a locus of pain and chaos.

A suggestion? Stop worrying about whether your grief is manly enough. It's okay to feel uncomfortable and sad and worried and lonely sometimes. I used to swing between, "What is so wrong with me that AH couldn't love me?" and later "What is so wrong with me that I loved someone so broken?" It was a bad line of thinking, but at least the focus was on me, and what I can do about me.
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Old 08-06-2013, 06:41 AM
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Sounds like your fantasies of who she was and what you "expected" to have together got stirred up big time!

Someone here recently said that we start needing to use denial early on in rships with A's in order to focus on the good stuff and blot out the bad. It really rang true for me. So your fantasy got stirred up and it IS very hard coming back to reality.

I find it goes in waves...and they get less frequent and less intense over time. For *me* it's been a frustratingly long time but it relates to FOO issues and our past history of loss and denial/fantasy/other coping mechanisms.

A helpful book or two:

The Journey from Abandonment to Healing
How to Break Your Addiction to a Person

I should add that you just need to FEEL those feelings...that's what I was referring to when I made the wave analogy.
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Old 08-06-2013, 06:49 AM
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Time and patience, my friend. There are no shortcuts in getting over someone.
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Old 08-06-2013, 07:22 AM
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Sometimes I think, "Oh yeah, get back in your own lane, Florence."
LOL, I really like that one. It's a perfect mental image, me swerving all over the mental highway in my head and not paying any attention to what's really going on. Drunk on thoughts and emotions.

Your friend,
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Old 08-06-2013, 07:31 AM
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It's a perfect mental image, me swerving all over the mental highway in my head and not paying any attention to what's really going on. Drunk on thoughts and emotions.
Yep. I'm swerving all over, telling other people how to drive, AGONIZING OVER THEIR TERRIBLE DRIVIIIIIIING, and putting myself at risk because I'm not paying attention to what I'm supposed to be doing.
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Old 08-06-2013, 07:48 AM
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Drunk on Thoughts and Emotions...

Oooh, that's a good one too. Dang, I sure do that.....

I think I'll try that phrase next time I catch myself doing it....which, if my track record to this point is an accurate indicator, should be at T-10 and counting.........
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Old 08-06-2013, 08:17 AM
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Originally Posted by Florence View Post
Maybe what you're seeing now is validation that she lacks boundaries and needs to be with someone at any costs -- anyone. How does it affect the kids? The kids see that mom's priorities are on herself and in spite of whatever attention they need.
I totally agree with this above. And I saw it over and over again with my A best friend before she died. She would accept any man, just to have one. Didn't matter of she liked him or not. And they were all big partiers, go figure; she chose men who supported her lifestyle. I asked her once, in her 5 month stint of sobriety, why she continued in an obviously dysfunctional relationship with a guy she really despised, and she said she didn't know any other way to live. And living alone filled her with dread. So sad.

Anyway, I'm rambling now. Try keeping a journal. It helped me a lot.

And lastly, dating with kids is challenging. I am with you on not introducing kids too early, but now that mine are older teenagers, they could really care less, as long as they aren't forced to do things they are uncomfortable with or my time and attention gets too focused on the new guy. If this is a boundary of yours, uphold it regardless. I do - have had several dates invite me over to "watch a movie" when their kid is asleep. Such a turn off.

Peace to you today, Zen. It does get better over time.
~T
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Old 08-06-2013, 08:26 AM
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No it’s not healthy for the children to be introduced to new people too soon. They make attachments and when the parent ends the relationship they children feel a loss.

Sounds like you bottled up a lot of those emotions for a long while and your recent camping trip and all the fond memories you had with her regarding camping triggered all those emotions.

We need to feel them, work through them and know it’s ok to feel all of them. That’s how we heal.

And it’s ok to talk to people about how you feel, its when that is all you talk about is her that it becomes an obsession. Big difference!!
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Old 08-06-2013, 08:43 AM
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Originally Posted by Argnotthisagain View Post

Someone here recently said that we start needing to use denial early on in rships with A's in order to focus on the good stuff and blot out the bad. It really rang true for me. So your fantasy got stirred up and it IS very hard coming back to reality.

.
I needed to hear this today, Arg. Thanks. I have been struggling with accepting reality for almost nine months.

I also love the Mindfulness suggestions. I think I'm going to try it again in addition to yoga. Between those, SR, Al Anon, and exercise, I will be spending eight hours a day on mental health. It has literally become a full time job!!

I never thought of the chatter in my mind about exabf as the same thing as the rest of the chatter. I thought because it was about a person and not a stressful situation, it was different somehow. But it is exactly the same. I give way too much importance to my chronic rememberance of him, almost as if the fact I can't get him out of my mind made our love more real. What a load of crap! It is just another case of my anxious, racing, mind driving me insane.
Realizing this today was a huge break through for me. Thanks, everyone.

Zen, I also want to add that even though SR can become addictive and take up a lot of time (like we discussed before), I find it a very important recovery tool. I am not always in the mood to post, but I read it everyday because it keeps me in touch with the reality of my situation. It reminds me of the dead seriousness of alcoholism--and also of codependency. Reading people's stories helps to keep me from drifting back to LaLa Land, and keeps the fantasies about my relationship with exabf relatively in check. With SR, I've got at least one foot grounded in reality. I'm working on two.
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Old 08-06-2013, 12:00 PM
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I didn't even have the energy to read posts on SR, I finally caved and posted haha. I was totally drunk on my emotions, blasting music, reminiscing and floating in my own reverie.

Thank you everyone. Reality is making a come back.
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Old 08-06-2013, 12:09 PM
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I was totally drunk on my emotions, blasting music, reminiscing and floating in my own reverie.
Yep. It took me a long time to realize that this was the opposite of coping.
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Old 08-06-2013, 12:19 PM
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Zen,

I totally sympathize, as I'm still having trouble getting over my AXBF. It's been about 6 weeks since he vanished and we've gone NC. I agree with everyone that grieving comes in waves, and that there's no time limit when it comes to healing.

As far as her dating right away, just remember that she isn't seeing reality since she's living in alcoholism. Sure, it'd be easy to 'move on' with someone new when you emotionally block people/live in denial. I bet it'd be easy for you to move on if you denied your own emotions and reality, right? But, since you aren't doing those things (good job!), you're going to be much happier and healthier in the long run.

I recently came across my ex on the dating site where we met. I'm sure he was back on there right after he went AWOL, without hesitation. It's hurtful to see, for sure. But I try to just focus on the reality and remember that he won't treat any new woman any better than he treated me.
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Old 08-06-2013, 12:44 PM
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Originally Posted by ZenMe View Post
I was totally drunk on my emotions, blasting music, reminiscing and floating in my own reverie.

.
That is how I spent the entire month of January.
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