ArthurK

Hello. I'm wondering the best way to handle a repeat offender/dominator of an Al-Anon meeting. There is a fellow who goes to several Al-Anon meetings in my area and I've tried all the meetings he attends as well. He tends to "overshare" at each of them. I now only go to one of the meetings he attends because I quite frankly don't like him, so have started going to some extra meetings outside of my locale...but this one particular meeting I have felt particularly welcomed by the other members, so I still go though he attends too. At this meeting he usually comes late because he is coming from work. As soon as he gets there (often only 45 minutes to 30 minutes left in the meeting) he gets his share in, and often he goes on and on and on. Not necessarily is he on topic, and he does go off on tangents. Often his sentences repeat. He is self-proclaimed ADHD, but he knows how to "talk the talk" so his shares get in all kinds of the Al-Anon lingo. Quite honestly I think he just likes listening to himself talk...he thinks he's clever that somehow he feels he has mastered the program. Pardon me for taking his inventory, but I don't care...sometimes we just have to call it as we see it. Tonight he came in with only a half hour to go in the meeting, and while there were others who had not yet had a chance to share, he got his in. Why does he get to come late and get his share in, while others have been at the whole meeting and don't get a chance? Not only that, not everyone else is able to attend several meetings a week...and he shares at them all. So can he not just sit and listen at one of them? I thought about what I could do...I thought a) I could stop him in the middle of his share and say "Hi I'm Arthur" and begin my share...or b) I could confront him after the meeting and tell him I don't appreciate his dominance...or c) sign up to chair a meeting on the topic of listening, and also I can then have the "authority" to cut him off...d) approach the group rep and ask if she can amend the opening of the meeting so it is clear that oversharing cannot happen -- though he comes late to this meeting and wouldn't hear it...also this group uses the opening from an Al-Anon manual, so it cannot be amended.

I've gone to Al-Anon off and on for the better part of 10 years, and this issue is always a problem when you get certain people who don't know when to stop rambling. Group members know the person is going on like a drone, but us Al-Anons seem to be quite weak at ending the problem...timid, afraid of confrontation, etc. It is more understandable in the early stages of some trauma that you may be facing...sometimes we tend to fret out loud and take extra time...but this guy is such an expert on recovery now (or he thinks so) that you'd think he'd know when to put a cork in it.

Thanks for listening

Lulu39

At the meetings I have been to there is a time keeper and this role is shared around the group each meeting. After a certain number of minutes the person sharing is a given a signal that their time is nearly up.

NWGRITS

I would speak to the facilitator first. She may not know he goes to every single meeting and goes on and on at all of them. Everyone should have a chance to share. We have a woman like Mr.Talksalot in our meeting, and it's the same thing every time. She hasn't changed a thing since I've been going (over a year) and the water works start at the same time every meeting. The facilitator will usually cut in (nicely, of course) and tell her that we have others who need to share, but for whatever reason, nobody wants to say much after she speaks. I think we are all scared of being just like her and getting cut off. She's a really sweet lady (probably close to 70), but my lord is she long-winded! If only there was more than one meeting here. The next closest one is off-island and over an hour away.

Crazed

At one meeting I go to, there is an old woman that shares the same thing over and over. Ever time she is called on, I think "Oh brother, here we go." I feel guilty for thinking it, but c'mon! The catch is that I don't think she has ever had any alcoholics in her history...

Hopeworks

Sadly there are those who are lonely and AA and Alanon bring social contact and is sought for that reason.

Others, simply have no social IQ and never stop talking and are oblivious to social signals that ordinarily inhibit such behavior. As one who is known for being a "talker" it is an area I have to keep my awareness antennae on myself.

The first approach might be to attempt to rein it in with suggestions to the chair how to set boundaries and limits on shares and future protocol on order of calling on folks. If that fails it might be appropriate to bring it up as a topic of discussion. If that fails then a personal talk might have the desired result.. usually those go badly in most cases. Folks that are insensitive... well... they usually do not talk polite, well meaning criticism well either and a resentment will most likely come into play.

Sometimes a little friction with one person is needed if it is truly hampering others ability to utilize the meeting time for the best of the group... good luck with this one.

LexieCat

This is something for the group conscience to consider. Members of the group (not people who come to the meetings, but MEMBERS of the group) can decide how long to allow shares to continue, how to handle it when someone runs way over, etc. In most of my AA meetings we include something in the opening about asking people to "limit their shares to three to five minutes so more people can share." It's really a discretionary call by the meeting leader whether to move someone along or not. Obviously, someone who is brand new and is sharing for the very first time, feeling lost and alone, may go on for ten minutes because it's the first time they have EVER opened up. But someone like this guy, who obviously just likes to talk, can be moved along with a comment from the leader like, "Thanks, but we have to move along so more people can share."

Wavy

I agree that this sounds like a group conscience thing. You could bring up at a conscience meeting a suggestion to limit the length of shares, without having to make it a personal thing about a single member, or perhaps have a meeting on one of the pertinent traditions or concepts, such as tradition one (unity) or concept 4 (participation), and how it might apply to the group. Has the group taken a group inventory recently? That might be something that could be raised then? We also have a box that members can anonymously drop issues they have into for the group rep to bring up for discussion.

LexieCat I was interested in your distinction between members and people who simply attend meetings. At what point does an attendee graduate to membership? My understanding was that anyone in that meeting when a decision was made had the right to vote on it as part of the group if the wish to?

LexieCat

You're a "member" of a group as soon as you tell them you want to join. At one time I had two AA "home groups" (those are the groups where you are a "member") and they had a group conscience that to be an intergroup rep or hold any other service position involving activities outside the group you had to have only ONE home group. I withdrew from that group because I disagree with the "you can have only one". I do think, though, that when you become a "member" of more than one group you can wind up spreading yourself too thin. Being a member implies responsibility--you should rarely miss a meeting unless you can't avoid it, you should take service commitments, you should participate in business meetings.

Note, however, that being a "member" of a home group doesn't mean you shouldn't attend as many meetings of different groups as you want. My current home group has 10-13 members currently but we have about 40 people who regularly attend our meeting.

Mountainmanbob

today at this meeting we are going to pick the next ones sharing
and
whoever shares will ask the next one who they chose if they wish to share

doesn't sound like this guy will be picked to share very often

Wavy

(ETA This is in response to LexieCat) Interesting. I'm not sure we have the same system, or its not enforced if we do. I've never heard anyone referred to as a member or not a member. Even newcomers views are given as much weigh as old timers in conscience meetings if they feel comfortable participating. I thought your home group was just where you felt most 'at home', I didn't realise there was something official about it. I guess I'd see those in service as more steady members, while others are sometimes more transient or part time, but no less a part of the group. All this is from observation tho, I have no education on the intricacies of AlAnon workings and I've only been attending for less than a year. it is interesting to hear how it operates elsewhere.

Also ETA: I don't think I'd like that system of choosing the next sharer, I would feel under pressure to share. I prefer the system of just speaking up when you are ready to share. Sometimes if I'm not ready near the start I will be by the end, but would have to pass if someone picked me too early.

Wavy

Do you know if anyone shares your feelings about this man? It may be that some people find his shares incredibly useful.

LexieCat

Al-Anon works pretty much the way AA does. There is usually some kind of rotating leadership (aka "trusted servants"). Since every group is autonomous, I suppose they could just allow anyone/everyone to have a vote on everything, but that seems a little chaotic. And without some kind of organization, how would the rent be paid, the literature and supplies paid for, the money from the Seventh Tradition managed? You might want to ask around about how that group functions. Chances are there is some sort of organization, however loosely structured.

Wavy

Oh we have a chairperson, secretary, treasurer, PI person and literature person, but all decisions are put to a group vote before enacted on and anyone who is there is entitled to vote.

Mountainmanbob

no ones ever forced to share
and if we take notice
some almost never share (even though at times they may wish to)
possibly shy or whatever
but
if they are asked to share -- often do
AA meetings that run this format from time to time
usually run real well

our meeting does this often
and yes
we have some who think they need to share at most every meeting
this shuts them down for a while

nothing wrong with a group trying it a few times (it's very common)

Mountainman

LexieCat

Well, then, I guess that's how they have decided to run their group. My only thought is that having membership defined, and having only those people vote, is that you ensure that the people voting are those with an actual commitment to the group, and not someone from out of town, let's say, who might never be back.

"Membership" can easily be changed at any time. We have people join, withdraw because they are joining another group, and of course those who join and just drift away. Nobody ever questions it, and the rule generally is that if you say you're a member, you are a member and entitled to vote.

m1k3

What is this being asked to share, or is it everybody is supposed to share and you just go around the circle or something?

I have attended a bunch of al-anon meetings in south Jersey and the way it has been done in these meetings is a person will take topic and then anyone who wants to share will simply say Hi, I'm your_name_here and I'd like to share. No one is ever in a position where they have to decline sharing if they don't feel like it.

I don't have an opinion on it but I am curious as to how it works.

Your friend,

LexieCat

I've been to meetings where they go around the room so everyone gets a chance to share, and anyone who doesn't care to just says "pass." I've been to a couple of the "tag" meetings that Bob is talking about and same deal. Anyone can say "pass" or say they just prefer to listen. No big whoop.

ArthurK

Thank you all for the nice input. Phew! I was a little worried to post and sound like I was complaining...but this can be a real problem at meetings. It is true many of us cannot help but have certain thoughts such as "oh brother" in regard to some Al-Anon meeting attendees...we're only human!

I too have thought of proposing a group inventory sooner rather than later...but noticed that the group inventory questions do not mention the domination of meetings...still this would be a chance to bring up the topic.

Some meetings I've attended handle this issue better than others -- usually by declaring in the opening to be aware of the length of share time and cognizant of not dominating the meeting. One meeting even counts how many are in attendance and then divides time available by that number and says this is the approximate time for each person to share, knowing some may go less than that time and others a little over...and then if there is time left after all have had a chance to share if they wish, then additional sharing is allowed.

Another meeting I attend goes around in the circle and each person gets a chance to share in sequence, or pass and then come back to after the circle has made its rounds. I really like this because then everyone does get to participate...and for some people it is not easy to just pipe up and start sharing spontaneously.

I know for myself, when I've had tougher times to sort through, I have gone as long as 10 minutes...but I do try to think ahead of time, on my way to the meeting, or before I actually share, how can I say what I need to share as concisely as possible? It isn't always easy for an Al-Anon person, as often in our lives we haven't had a lot of success expressing ourselves...so meandering expression happens. I also try to be aware of the size of the group at a particular meeting...if the meeting is smaller, then I know I am free to talk more. In fact I like to mix it up and go to smaller meetings for this purpose, but larger meetings too so I can have the benefit of listening to a greater variety of people's perspective.

It is true that this particular fellow, in his rambling 90 mph motor mouth way he often does say something of value because he has a way of taking many Al-Anon clichés and putting an example to them...but often I find for the length of time he shares, for myself at least, it is more exhausting than helpful. I suppose if you talk long enough you're bound to say something that registers with someone. I know some people find him amusing...but often there are people fidgeting or clearing their throats as it becomes clear he is now a bit out of control and it's unclear if he will stop anytime soon.

Overall there are many things about Al-Anon meeting format that could stand better structure and improvement, and I often wonder why some of these things aren't initiated by the WSO and cascaded down.

NYCDoglvr

There was someone like that in an AA group. We voted and the majority voted in favor of limiting all shares to three minutes. Do you have business meetings? I suggest bringing it up there.

lillamy

At my meetings, usually the first thing that happens with "repeat offenders" is that one of the older members takes them aside after the meeting and talks to them -- usually, the talk goes something along the line of "You had a lot to share today -- maybe next time, you and I can go out for coffee after the meeting and talk, so that we leave some airtime to other members as well?"

That way, the person doesn't feel shut down, but just redirected to sharing in a more appropriate way/forum.

There have also been times when the meeting leader has interrupted a person and said "let's come back to you again after everyone has had an opportunity to share."

One of the meetings I've gone to only a couple of times actually has a timer that goes off after three minutes for each person, and then it's up to the leader to gently interrupt the person sharing if they don't respond to the timer. I kind of like that because you know, in a group of codies, nobody's REALLY going to want to confront an oversharer because we all want everyone to love us...