Saraha

Hello everyone. Well firstly. I'm not too good with posting have never posted anywhere else in my entire life. Except this site earlier,I was redirected here. Am married to a professional,was employed the stopped work for a while. Now cannot reapply for a job due to I need to register annually as a professional acc to laws here. No money for that also lost our 2nd vehicle and medical aid since now only he is employed and our income has dropped dramatically. Hubby was on many things then switched to coke as of last two yrs. Is an excellent dad despite usage love him a lot. Married plus twenty yrs now just tired of the use all these yrs was clean one max one half yrs. Tired and he was abusive beofre when child was old enough to understand he stopped after one bad incident. Now just has moods. Stiill love him a lot as does the child. Now thinking of going to court. Child will request joint custody if they ask and also he is an excellent dad. Has never put child in danger. Yet does drive sometimes irrespective of passenger when he is high but with coke still he is functioning not as highly functioning as before do not want to smear him in court. Or let child find out the problem they are very close. Haven't done a thing yet to leave except look for a bigger home which my fam can assist me with becos mine is tiny want to move and crime here esp rape atrocious. Terrified to live alone ie no adult. Sometimes just want to give up and oscillate between terror of leaving and just wanting to stay. To worry about how I'll end up mentally if I do stay. Also want to further my career. Sometimes just wanna not exist.

Impurrfect

Sahara - welcome to SR though sorry for what has brought you here.

I recommend you read through different posts on this forum. It helped me to know I wasn't alone, and a lot of posts? I could have written them myself.

It may be a bit slow tonight (not sure where you are, but it's almost midnight here) but keep reading and posting.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Saraha

Thank you Amy.Well hubby was on grass for a short while then progressed to other stuff,was on crack for many yrs,I was working then full time and overtime,thought I'd lost my mind during the crack yrs because he was doing it daily and nearly bankrupted us. Also he was functioning then too,a functioning crackhead. Straight after work every day. Through to the night. Woulnt eat,the paranoia,moods,eyes boggling out ,and he also missed a lot of work ie,work many day ,miss a day or half a day depending how much he had been doing. Then the long periods of sleeping,along with depression and empty promises used to believe all those stories before for a vey long time. Tried the crying,bargaining,begging,checking ,trying to control. Then did some research and stopped trying to fix it. By then I was mentally in a very bad state,alt between wanting to leave and realising I culdnt live without him.Had just given up on life almost by then. Then fast forward he switched to coke,is home ,less volatile,an excellent dad again. Still functional but spends more time (usually the day he had no cash left to score). Also has a day or two where just sleeps but is still much more loving now. Just lost a lot financially,am now mentally tired and want to leave. Most of the time I think yes I'll make it somehow. Then I feel scared and wonder what's the use he's a good persoN,he doesn't cheat or steal. He's used up a lot of my finances and my bank account is frozen due to he culdnt sort that out and even our lifestyle has changed but he loves me I know that he always has so I don't know its like things are not as bad as they were three yrs ago,in sone aspects(moneywise)they are worse. I'm torn between leaviNg for good and detaching from what I read on these posts. I love him to muCh don't know if I can detach cos he's got me round his little finger. So leaving is kind of the only choice. I know what's the right thing to do. My love makes me weak.