Welcome Jill!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: KZN South Africa
Posts: 13
Welcome Jill!
cr995 thank you for that.
How sick can we be?
I am really in a dilemma as far as the "always and never" is concerned. My AH had an affair and although it was only once I threw him out of the house when I found out.
Although he as been sober for 10 years he has not kept up with his programme and has manifested addict behaviour regarding computer games, chat sites and then the fling that he had.
He went straight back to his programme and is nor doing his 90/90 and working very hard at it too.
One thing I can say is that during our whole 7 year relationship he never abused me or treated me badly except for the deceit in the games etc.
He is adamant that when he has done his 90/90 he wants to come back home and yes I do love him with all my heart and although there is a certain amount of resentment to his behaviour I think I have forgiven him as much as possible at this stage.
The problem comes in where he messages me everyday and we meet once or twice a week. BUT he does not want his sister (who is also an RA) to know about this because he says he does not want interference from her. He says that once he has done the 90/90 he can then tell her and his family that it is his choice to come back to me.
He knows he will have to continue with meeting meetings and more for the rest of time but at this stage he wants to put recovery first. He says after recovery I am the most important thing in his life.
And I am confused - sick -yes: do I want him- yes; am I being stupid and wishing for the fairy tale ending - I don't know.
Any good advise from all you wonderful people would be welcomed.
How sick can we be?
I am really in a dilemma as far as the "always and never" is concerned. My AH had an affair and although it was only once I threw him out of the house when I found out.
Although he as been sober for 10 years he has not kept up with his programme and has manifested addict behaviour regarding computer games, chat sites and then the fling that he had.
He went straight back to his programme and is nor doing his 90/90 and working very hard at it too.
One thing I can say is that during our whole 7 year relationship he never abused me or treated me badly except for the deceit in the games etc.
He is adamant that when he has done his 90/90 he wants to come back home and yes I do love him with all my heart and although there is a certain amount of resentment to his behaviour I think I have forgiven him as much as possible at this stage.
The problem comes in where he messages me everyday and we meet once or twice a week. BUT he does not want his sister (who is also an RA) to know about this because he says he does not want interference from her. He says that once he has done the 90/90 he can then tell her and his family that it is his choice to come back to me.
He knows he will have to continue with meeting meetings and more for the rest of time but at this stage he wants to put recovery first. He says after recovery I am the most important thing in his life.
And I am confused - sick -yes: do I want him- yes; am I being stupid and wishing for the fairy tale ending - I don't know.
Any good advise from all you wonderful people would be welcomed.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Yup, "always" and "never" are both bad mindsets. This is why we talk about taking each day, one day at a time. You don't have a crystal ball. You don't have to see the future to live this one day. Things change all the time--for the better and for the worse. That's simply life in general.
Right now you can focus on healing yourself. It can be educational to understand a bit about alcoholism, but you will never understand it the way an alcoholic does. And that's OK--you don't have to. All you need to begin to heal is to know that this is something WAY bigger than you, and that it is HIS problem, not yours to understand or to fix. Focus your efforts on healing yourself. Imagining reunions a month or fourteen years from now will only keep your focus on him, and what he is doing. Not your business.
Right now you can focus on healing yourself. It can be educational to understand a bit about alcoholism, but you will never understand it the way an alcoholic does. And that's OK--you don't have to. All you need to begin to heal is to know that this is something WAY bigger than you, and that it is HIS problem, not yours to understand or to fix. Focus your efforts on healing yourself. Imagining reunions a month or fourteen years from now will only keep your focus on him, and what he is doing. Not your business.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 490
Originally Posted by beingjill 
Any good advise from all you wonderful people would be welcomed.
Originally Posted by beingjill
My AH had an affair and although it was only once I threw him out of the house when I found out.
Originally Posted by beingjill
He says that once he has done the 90/90 he can then tell her and his family that it is his choice to come back to me.
He had an affair, you threw him out. He's now doing a 90/90 and then it's his choice to come back to you???
His having sex with another/other women is fixed by him doing a 90/90 and then he gets to choose to come back to you after you threw him out for having sex with another/other women.
I don't get it. Do you? What's your choice?
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: KZN South Africa
Posts: 13
Lexiecat and Lulu - thank you.
Re - his choice - well it was "our" choice to try and work out the relationship but and this is my problem he says he does not want his family esp. sister to interfere with our decision and try and tell him to leave me alone and not have a relationship with me. OOOOH this is sounding so weak.
My choice would be to try and work the relationship out. I am going to AL Anon meetings and I have just started doing the 12 steps.
I did this (al anon etc) 25 years ago with an XAH and divorced him and never looked back until now. I stopped working the steps etc.
But Lulu what you say is I should make more boundaries, you want me, then dont blame not telling people on first doing your 90/90.
S
Re - his choice - well it was "our" choice to try and work out the relationship but and this is my problem he says he does not want his family esp. sister to interfere with our decision and try and tell him to leave me alone and not have a relationship with me. OOOOH this is sounding so weak.
My choice would be to try and work the relationship out. I am going to AL Anon meetings and I have just started doing the 12 steps.
I did this (al anon etc) 25 years ago with an XAH and divorced him and never looked back until now. I stopped working the steps etc.
But Lulu what you say is I should make more boundaries, you want me, then dont blame not telling people on first doing your 90/90.
S
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: KZN South Africa
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Oops I posted before i was finished. I am seriously confused.
We both love each other but maybe I should put a stop to everything until he can prove to me that he is worth my time and life and he is proud to say so in the face of any adversity???
We both love each other but maybe I should put a stop to everything until he can prove to me that he is worth my time and life and he is proud to say so in the face of any adversity???
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Ask yourself what actual benefit you are getting from this relationship right now.
If the answer is "none, really," then I think taking a good long break while you both deal with your respective issues might be a very, very good idea.
*edit* this was in response to jill. jill, maybe you should start a new thread.
If the answer is "none, really," then I think taking a good long break while you both deal with your respective issues might be a very, very good idea.
*edit* this was in response to jill. jill, maybe you should start a new thread.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
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Welcome Jill. I hope you find this forum as useful and supportive as I have.
So here's my take on things...decide what is really important to you.
I like to break it down in percentages. For example - one can say 90% of the time he is a decent, stand up guy. 10% of the time he is [fill in the blank with whatever negative trait] Because of the 90% good times, I can accept the 10% not-so-great times. We all have some not-so-great things about us. Can you live with his, and is it worth it in the end?
So here's my take on things...decide what is really important to you.
I like to break it down in percentages. For example - one can say 90% of the time he is a decent, stand up guy. 10% of the time he is [fill in the blank with whatever negative trait] Because of the 90% good times, I can accept the 10% not-so-great times. We all have some not-so-great things about us. Can you live with his, and is it worth it in the end?
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Join Date: Jul 2013
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Tuffgirl - that is a good way to look at it. I want to say that 90% of the time he is good and he was and is good and 10% of the time he is a alcoholic turned process addict. The hard thing is to decide if I can live with the 10% becoming 60% as he might go back to the addict behaviour again and again - so will there always be doubt?
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Beingjill-
It was actually my exAH affair that FINALLY got me dealing with the fact that alcohol was a problem in our relationship.
Both things made me feel similarly....crazy, at fault, like I should "try" to make it perfect for him so he would not do it again.
The affair also got me into Al-Anon, and though the focus was not on the affair there, a lot of the skills I learned there have helped me to heal from both the alcohol use AND the affair. Especially the skill of detachment and boundaries.
I also found individual therapy (and marriage counseling for awhile) invaluable.....
Do you know there is support for those healing from an affair like this group for alcohol? A big one is survivinginfidelity.com. For me the alcohol use overall has been harder to heal from.
I did a lot of reading there too, and reading with a lot of books.
Finally one thing that helped me IMMENSELY was being told that this kind of healing takes time. On the affair side they say it takes 2-5 year for most people to experience healing. I am three years out on the affair side of things, and 2.5 from the divorce and I would agree with that timeframe. That helped me to normalize my own feelings when I felt okay about it for a few months....then was rip roaring pissed.
It was actually my exAH affair that FINALLY got me dealing with the fact that alcohol was a problem in our relationship.
Both things made me feel similarly....crazy, at fault, like I should "try" to make it perfect for him so he would not do it again.
The affair also got me into Al-Anon, and though the focus was not on the affair there, a lot of the skills I learned there have helped me to heal from both the alcohol use AND the affair. Especially the skill of detachment and boundaries.
I also found individual therapy (and marriage counseling for awhile) invaluable.....
Do you know there is support for those healing from an affair like this group for alcohol? A big one is survivinginfidelity.com. For me the alcohol use overall has been harder to heal from.
I did a lot of reading there too, and reading with a lot of books.
Finally one thing that helped me IMMENSELY was being told that this kind of healing takes time. On the affair side they say it takes 2-5 year for most people to experience healing. I am three years out on the affair side of things, and 2.5 from the divorce and I would agree with that timeframe. That helped me to normalize my own feelings when I felt okay about it for a few months....then was rip roaring pissed.
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