Very Confused
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: KZN South Africa
Posts: 13
Very Confused
Hi - this posting etc is very new to me so I hope I do it the right way.
Here is part of my story and the confusing part.
My RAH have been together for 7 years. To all intents the relationship was good, well so I thought it was until I found out that he was playing games and chatting on the internet and then eventually he slept with a woman.
He has been in recovery for 10 years and has generally kept up with meetings, although probably not enough, and has not had a drink. Instead he took his addiction in another way.
When I found out what he had done I kicked him out of the house, and went through all the numbness and devastation. In hindsight I don't think I should have done that as surely we should be together while he works through this. We both would like to try and work at the relationship and reconcile it, if possible.
He has gone back to his meetings and is doing his 90/90 and sees his sponsor regularly. He says that he needs to work through this before he moves back.
And although I would prefer him to be here, I hear that he says he needs to get his recovery back on track and his spirituality back on track before we resume our lives.
He says recovery first and he cannot put anything before of that.
He messages me everyday and we see each other once or twice a week but he does not want his sister or other RA friends to see us together. He says they will interfere in our relationship and he would rather tell them we are back together once he has done his 90/90 and not have them telling him he is putting me before recovery.
My confusion comes in here - surely that is a lie and surely if he is working the programme he supposed to be living the truth. Although that is his story and problem and not mine, it becomes mine. Even though I do not lie to my friends about the situation and am very open about it, it still feels like deceit.
Yes I know I am making excuses, I want him back, I dont think we should throw the relationship away. HELP
Here is part of my story and the confusing part.
My RAH have been together for 7 years. To all intents the relationship was good, well so I thought it was until I found out that he was playing games and chatting on the internet and then eventually he slept with a woman.
He has been in recovery for 10 years and has generally kept up with meetings, although probably not enough, and has not had a drink. Instead he took his addiction in another way.
When I found out what he had done I kicked him out of the house, and went through all the numbness and devastation. In hindsight I don't think I should have done that as surely we should be together while he works through this. We both would like to try and work at the relationship and reconcile it, if possible.
He has gone back to his meetings and is doing his 90/90 and sees his sponsor regularly. He says that he needs to work through this before he moves back.
And although I would prefer him to be here, I hear that he says he needs to get his recovery back on track and his spirituality back on track before we resume our lives.
He says recovery first and he cannot put anything before of that.
He messages me everyday and we see each other once or twice a week but he does not want his sister or other RA friends to see us together. He says they will interfere in our relationship and he would rather tell them we are back together once he has done his 90/90 and not have them telling him he is putting me before recovery.
My confusion comes in here - surely that is a lie and surely if he is working the programme he supposed to be living the truth. Although that is his story and problem and not mine, it becomes mine. Even though I do not lie to my friends about the situation and am very open about it, it still feels like deceit.
Yes I know I am making excuses, I want him back, I dont think we should throw the relationship away. HELP
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Welcome Jill! Yes, for most RAs recovery has to come first, and that has definitely been my experience with my RAH.
I'm a bit confused as to how your recent issues relate to recovery/relapse though. I'm not fully grasping how resuming his meetings (although no doubt beneficial) connects to a solution for cheating. Had he been traded his alcoholism for this other addiction for years & you've just uncovered it or has this all happened recently & separate from his problems with addiction?
I'm a bit confused as to how your recent issues relate to recovery/relapse though. I'm not fully grasping how resuming his meetings (although no doubt beneficial) connects to a solution for cheating. Had he been traded his alcoholism for this other addiction for years & you've just uncovered it or has this all happened recently & separate from his problems with addiction?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: KZN South Africa
Posts: 13
hi firespirit - yes he replaced drinking with computer gaming - that went on for about 3 years, so bad in fact that he had about 12 facebook accounts so he could game under different names all the time, he then went onto chatting to women who were playing the games, all quite suggestive messages, a thing for porn sites, although this I cannot prove and eventually sleeping with another woman.
We live in a small town, so I found out about it quite quickly and although he did not sleep with her again he messaged her daily.
All this complete addicts behaviour-lies, deceit, etc.
And during this time he was never horrid to me, he always treated me well. Actually if I look back now he was extra good to me.
The last 6 mnths were hard because his father had a stroke and was very ill and eventually passed away and the sleeping with the girl happened during that time.
AS he is generally a very good man, what sober alcoholic isnt? Good morals etc. this behaviour even scared him.
I think being back in recovery and meetings etc is good but how do I get over my doubts?
Or am I just trying to hold onto something I wish was there?
We live in a small town, so I found out about it quite quickly and although he did not sleep with her again he messaged her daily.
All this complete addicts behaviour-lies, deceit, etc.
And during this time he was never horrid to me, he always treated me well. Actually if I look back now he was extra good to me.
The last 6 mnths were hard because his father had a stroke and was very ill and eventually passed away and the sleeping with the girl happened during that time.
AS he is generally a very good man, what sober alcoholic isnt? Good morals etc. this behaviour even scared him.
I think being back in recovery and meetings etc is good but how do I get over my doubts?
Or am I just trying to hold onto something I wish was there?
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Holy crap, 12 facebook accounts! That's a lot of wasted mental energy, whew.
My RAH lost his dear uncle who was like a 2nd father to him while he was actively drinking and it definitely added a level of intensity to his already crazy alcoholic behavior... I can totally relate to that.
I think as far as having doubts - for me it started with understanding & setting my own boundaries. That helped me to define acceptable vs unacceptable behavior & then determine things from that point based around how often/badly I felt that those boundaries had been crossed.
No matter how you proceed I think it's most important to remember that it IS a process, not something that can just be "fixed" and forgotten. You're talking about rebuilding a significant amount of trust & confidence in yourself, your spouse & your relationship - give yourself time to go through all the steps necessary to get to where you want to be. Stick around & keep reading, SR is a wonderful resource!!
My RAH lost his dear uncle who was like a 2nd father to him while he was actively drinking and it definitely added a level of intensity to his already crazy alcoholic behavior... I can totally relate to that.
I think as far as having doubts - for me it started with understanding & setting my own boundaries. That helped me to define acceptable vs unacceptable behavior & then determine things from that point based around how often/badly I felt that those boundaries had been crossed.
No matter how you proceed I think it's most important to remember that it IS a process, not something that can just be "fixed" and forgotten. You're talking about rebuilding a significant amount of trust & confidence in yourself, your spouse & your relationship - give yourself time to go through all the steps necessary to get to where you want to be. Stick around & keep reading, SR is a wonderful resource!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: KZN South Africa
Posts: 13
I decided to tell him that I wont live with his lies and have said although I love him deeply and we want to make it work I cant do that by making my life a lie. I am of course hurting and sad and know he has to put his recovery first, although that does not seem fair.
Thank you for your support and yes I will keep coming back as I muddle through this devastation.
xxx
Thank you for your support and yes I will keep coming back as I muddle through this devastation.
xxx
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