fml23

So I just wanted to say after rediscovering this site I am just so glad for it! I think I wasn't ready last time I was here and this time I am just so freaking ready to do this work. I don't feel ashamed or guilty anymore! I will say I can officially accept that I am codependent. I didn't cause my husbands alcoholism but I sure as heck contribute to the dysfunction in my life! I have even been manipulative, controlling, and abusive. Victim no more!

So I have been journaling today and a lot of what I have been doing is writing letters to my AH about all the really awful things he's done or said. I've been doing it thinking its cathartic. It is not. I think I relive those things over and over to validate myself and all my hurt instead of facing my real fear: that I dont know how to be happy.
I keep forgetting that my husband was there. He knows he did those things. He is doing what he thinks he needs to to get well. He's apologized. We're going to try marriage counseling. None of this excuses his behavoir, but what do I want from this? I pretend that I am like weilding some sword of truth or insite that wi 'seal the deal' on his recovery. 'see you can never drink again because here are the 10 most horrible things you did to me when you were drunk.' Thise are his inventories to take. If I dont like his behavoir at any point I am free to leave. I am still here and still trying to be in this marriage. My husband will get better, or not, and all I can do is set the boundaries and have faith I can handle what is thrown at me. I feel like because I have suffered so much as a result of his alcoholism I somehow have a right to be hyper involved in his recovery. I don't. He doesn't need me to be. And if he relapses tomorrow and things fall apart it won't kill me and it won't have been my fault!

Sorry if this is a jumble. I feel a tide shifting in me and I want someone as my witness!

Hammer

Witnessth.

Welcome Home on your "rediscovery."

LexieCat

This is huge--a real tide-shift, as you said. I think that's exactly what needs to be done to get from victimhood to living a healthy life.

It's amazing when those lightbulbs go off, isn't it?

I often say that early recovery (for the alcoholic and for loved ones) is like staring at one of those "Magic Eye" pictures. You stare and stare at it, and it's so frustrating that you cannot SEE that cool image that everyone else seems to be seeing. And then all of a sudden something in the angle you're viewing it from, or something in your brain, just shifts, and hokey smokes--there it is! THAT'S what they are talking about!

fml23

Waking up today I feel like all the anger is gone. I just had a moment where my husband was very rude to me in how he spoke to me. Irritable, it was nothing major. This is the first time ever that I just said 'I hate when you speak to me like that and don't want to be around you when you are rude.' I didn't go on and on and I didn't try to get the apology or change I wanted. He responded angrily, and I packed up my bag and am out with my daughter. I guess it's a move forward.

Now that there's no anger I am filled with a lot of sadness. I feel almost depressed. My husband may NEVER learn to speak to me in a respectful way. And that is really sad.

Hammer

Understood and Agreed.

Just a lot of sadness.

I was sort of impressed (and a little envious -- isn't that silly?) when your first post mentioned an apology.

Look, at least You got You and Your Daughter Out of There.

At least for today.

Maybe that is what "Doing the next right thing" looks like today.

So good for you.

LexieCat

Yeah, it is kind of sad, but recovery is available to him when he is ready for it. My second husband went back to drinking after almost dying of it. He went to AA for a bit, never really did the work, and predictably went back to drinking. I was sad for him, too, but he KNOWS there is help out there for him. I can't make him ready to do the work, any more than you can make your husband ready.

pravchaw

Unfortunately we don't get paid back with interest for all our sacrifices on the altar of addiction.

Argnotthisagain

Yeah. Starting with my own!

Hoo boy. I am hating this addiction. Sometimes it seems it would be easier to kick a drug or alcohol addiction than this crap! So frustrating. Bonding to a person is rough to unhook. We're wired to bond, it's a basic...maybe THE basic instinctive/emotional need.

Ugh. This healing process once you go cold turkey (or are forced to before you're ready)--it really sucks.

fml23

So as an update. Today something really sad but hopefully liberating happened. I woke up feeling confused and grouchy and needy. I communicated poorly and had a huge fight where I screamed at (in front of my daughter) my husband. As soon as it happened I was so ashamed I went out and sat in my car and bawled. I realized that if I'm going to except how sick I am, than I have to start saying what I really need and want to get better. I posted on here a few days ago about not feeling better even tho my husband is sober and getting better. I asked if it was time to leave him. I think I was looking fir someone to say 'yes!' So my feelings would be validated.

So I cleaned myself up and apologized to my husband and told him I need to move in with my parents for a bit. I have a lot of issues from past that our haunting me and I now really feel in my heart I can't be living with my husband while I'm doing that. I have been cartying that guilt for a while, and afraid to walk in that truth. I keep picking fights and focussing on my husband cause I'm scared to separate and face myself. No quick fix here.

My husband weirdly understood. He was really hurt and angry and we texted back and forth until finally he just said. 'I hate being alone. What if you never find peace or worse and you realize peace doesn't include me?' And that is the saddest scariest thing I ever heard him say!

I am so ashamed right now and scared. I feel like I'm being selfish and going to tank my husbands sobriety (and I know that's not my job!!) but I just look at the woman I was all psycho and irritable and mean this morning and if this is the best I can bring to the table right now then I need to be alone!

Sorry I am posting here so much but I just need to get it out. There's just no quick fix here. There just me. And there's no rule book. And I just never wanted this for myself or my daughter or my marriage. Never in a million years could I have imagined being here. I feel like a monster.

Of all the times in my marriage when I would have thought I should leave, a quiet Sunday with a sober, medicated, in therapy husband just isn't what I thought would happen. But they less drama there is the more I realize what a mess I am.

LexieCat

You're gonna be OK. And your husband's sobriety does not depend on you.

A breather might do you both a lot of good. You each can focus on your own issues and then take a look at where you both are at.

Hugs,

spiderqueen

I will gladly worry, fret, try to rescue, resent, and stew rather than face my own demons. I do think that's why we speak of being "addicted" to our A's - their drama does kind of numb us out, weirdly, to our own experience - like drinking alcohol numbs the alcoholic.

dandylion

fm123, you have a right to your feelings just as much as anyone on this planet. You don't have to pretend to be happy if you aren't. No doubt, you suffered damage from the alcoholism---living with alcoholism affects everyone--not just the alcoholic.

I think most people have an idealistic view that after the drinking stops that all the problems and issues will melt away and their origional fantasy for the relationship will, naturally, come true. When you sober up a horse thief--what you get is a sober horse thief.

You deserve a chance to work on yourself--away from the marital home if that is what you would like to do! You also deserve to decide if you really want to be in the marriage any longer. It is o.k. to leave just because you want to--if that is what you decide you would like to do. You do not owe him a thing just because he has quit drinking!!!!!

dandylion

fml23

This. This is exactly how I feel. I need a drying out period from him. I need to remember what it feels like to be me. Not jumping to answer every text. Not reacting to everything he says or does. I sit in therapy and I talk about my husband. I journal and I talk about my husband. I come on here and talk about my husband. What about me?!? I have this super busy life. All this stuff I do and try to keep up with. But everytime there r difficulties in my marriage I let all of my stuff go. It's almost like I am just a robot person. Exercise to be healthy, go to work to make money, take baby to play group for social skills. Dinner with my girlfriends to be friendly. Take classes to finish my degree because I should. Shoulda woulda coulda. None of it is making me feel content, happy or peaceful. I just feel out of touch. I have plenty of happy moments. I have a very 'functional' life. But that extra sense of self (I dunno if that's even a tangible thing or if I'm just clinically depressed) is missing! And the really horrible thing is that I can't really EVER remember having that. I've been reading around here and I get it. I get this is textbook codependence. But this is horrible. I know whats wrong with my husband. He has an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. But how the hell can I be this messed up?!?

dandylion

fml, it can happen when a codependent lives with an alcoholic. All the factors for the perfect storm.

You are correct that this is the time to focus on you and your wants and needs.

Why are you only talking about your husband in therapy?

dandylion

fml23

I have no idea why I am not talking about the issues I want to in therapy. I have this therapist who I feel almost friendly with and sometimes I feel like I need more of a stern person so I don't like fake talk nice social stuff. Sometimes too I feel judged by my therapist. Or maybe I'm so codependent I just want her to like me?!? I have childhood a use that I explicitly said I needed to work on in the first session and its been 6 months and it hasn't come up. She told me the first session she likes to wait on 'those' issues til we build more trust. I guess she's the professional but that in and of itself made me feel like she was uncomfortable! Wow. Just typing that out I think I need to reevaluate my therapist. Maybe time to reassess, or try someone new?!?

I just feel really drained now. My husband has been texting me and asking if I'm alright and that he's worried. I know all the reasons I love him and I know there is a lot of love between us. I actually think right now, I'm realizing just how ill equipped I was to be married. I really think I thought my husband was gonna fix me and all this stuff. How do I take off the rose colored glasses and love him as a real person?!?

amy55

fml23,

Do you know how many times I went back and forth in my thinking? Please read your first post on this thread again. You are questioning yourself again. You packed up and left for a reason. What about all of the awful things that he said and did to you. Did you happen to bring that journal with you?

I'm asking you this, because I did this many times, I would have a really good reason to leave, then I would hear his voice, worrying about me, is he really worrying about you? or does he just want to know when things will go back to normal?

You know that "normal" !!!!!!!!!!! Where you are his doormat!!!!!! I think the only time you should take off those rose colored glasses is when you get a text or a call from him.