help
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Winnipeg
Posts: 12
help
Hi,
I'm not an addict myself but was up until 6 days engaged to one. I'm hoping I can get some insight because I'm confused as to what to do here.
He is almost 4 years sober now, he was just under 2 years sober when I met him. On our first date he was very upfront with me and told me he was in jail for 8 years for attempted murder, and was a recovering addict. I respected that he told me this truth on the first date, it comforted me in a strange way. To know that he has addressed his past and is working towards being a better person. Also, he is 14 years older than me.
I wasn't living in the same city at the time and he would come up to me every weekend to spend a few days together. We met late May 2011 and when I went back to the city in September, I was moved into his new place by October. We had an interesting relationship, I am an artist who was going into my final year of school and he was more than happy to financially support me so i could focus on my work. He's a construction worker so if there was ever a time he needed help I would go with him to his job sites and help in any way I could. Our condo was tiny, and somehow we managed to only have 5 big fights in the 2 years of our relationship. He would tell me stories of his past, but I never saw him as an addict... looking back on it I realize I should have informed myself about dating an addict and what to expect. My parents liked him, my sister and brother not so much.
In December 2012 he proposed. I said yes and we were planning to be married early september 2013. We lived out of the city in the town we actually met with jobs that suited us well. Saturday, my parents came out and informed us both that they found out he lied about being in jail for 8 years. I was shocked. He just sat there knowing the truth had come out. i asked my parents to leave and he admitted he was only in jail for 2 years less a day. I have yet to see the proof of this and I am nervous that he is lying again, although his family all backs him up.
He explained that he made up this lie 5 years ago when he first entered sobriety. He didn't want to be just another junkie and he didn't feel like he belonged. I can actually understand that, I don't exactly accept it but I definitely understand it. And I've told him that.
Because my parents were the ones who found out they were fully involved in the break up. The night they told me I went out with them and when i came back home (which was extremely hard for my mother to understand) I found him in the shop drinking a beer- he said, well there's no point hiding this from you. I was upset but I didn't get mad.
He called his sister and told her the lie he told me and she called him an idiot. I then spoke with her and she said, yes, he can fabricate the truth. I asked some examples, like, did he beat up her abusive boyfriend in front of her and get arrested, having the charges dropped shortly after? She said she HAD an abusive boyfriend, he didn't beat him up in front of her, she doesn't know if that happened.
He said he spent most of his childhood on the streets. His sister said he always had a place at their home, his parents had an apartment for him at some point but not when he was 13 or 14. There were times that he would disappear for weeks at a time but he always came home.
There were little things like, he said he had his hair really long and he woke up with his mom standing above him with scissors holding a piece of his hair that she cut off. So he shaved his whole head. His sister doesn't recall that. His mom doesn't recall that either.
He actually had a second beer while I also had one. We had a talk and I told him I didn't know if I could trust him again, how do I know that there's nothing else he lied to me about? He fully respected what I was saying and took responsibility for screwing up. He said he would understand if I left, obviously he didn't want me to but he would understand. That night he slept on the couch while I was in the bed.
Sunday morning I woke up bawling and realized I had to pack my things. My mom came to my door and I told her I was leaving and just to leave me alone while I did what I needed to do. Of course, being irritatingly concerned parents, they still hovered, walking up and down the street to check on me. He came in and saw me packing and I just said, I have to leave. He was upset as I was but said he would take care of the work end, and would clean out the truck for me. I ended up starting the truck without him and he came to help me once he was done talking to one of our bosses who is also his best friend. He by this time cancelled our joint banking accounts and mentioned he would be separating our cell phones the following day. I was having a hard time bringing myself to leave because I still of course have feelings for him. I kept going back and forth between, I'm leaving and I don't want to go. Our boss (his best friend) called me and tried to use his past experiences to help me understand and give him a second chance. At that time I couldn't, I had to get out of there. I went back and we had a few cigarettes together and just talked. And I cried. It's blurry now but as we were talking I realized I wasn't ready to give up the two greatest years of my life. He said he was scared and he didn't want me to go and he was sobbing and we were holding each other. I told him I was going to try to explain to my parents that I couldn't go and I was going to stay and get to the truth. I saw my parents walking towards us so I went out there to stop them. I told them they weren't going to like what I was going to say but I wanted to stay and figure this out on my own. They got extremely mad and said he's just trying to manipulate me into staying. They said they didn't want to see me ruin my life and if I stayed I would be losing my family and they didn't want to see me get tangled in his web. At this point I was still at the, I don't want to stay and I don't want to go, point, but seeing how my parents were, both of them crying (they're not one to get emotional). I was somewhat forced to leave with them. They wouldn't let me drive my own truck, I had to go with my mom while my dad drove mine. I left my pack of smokes in the shop where my fiance was so i had to go get them, my mom following me. I grabbed them and said I have to go, I need a few days away from everybody to think about all this. He looked at me and said, I'm never going to see you again am I? I said I don't know (which I don't think he heard because my mom yelled my name). I left.
His parents didn't know about the lie he told me, and my mom (being irritatingly involved) called her and yelled at her. Which, I want to scream at her for doing. I understand she wants the best for me but who does she think she is? I am an adult, I have made my own decisions up until this point, and now they're trying to control the situation... it feels like now they're manipulating me. Telling me I can stay in a hotel for a while so I don't have to come home, then saying, no we actually want you at home. Saying they could fly me to another city where my best friend is, and still no word of that. For some reason they won't let me drive my own vehicle but are allowing me to borrow theirs. It's just weird.
I talked to his mom a couple days after this all happened, and I didn't feel like she was very surprised by what happened. She said she was absolutely devastated. I asked her about his "actual" jailtime and she didn't know dates or locations or reasons... which makes me somewhat suspicious. With that being said, from 18-30 years old, he wasn't very close with his family seeing he was out on the problem.
I talked to another friend of his who is in the program. I asked if there were any sort of meetings I could go to to make sense of this all. We had an hour long talk and he said look, he lied to me too, and I understand why and I've forgiven him. You need to ask yourself if this is always going to be in the back of your mind or if you can move on with him. He tried his best not to be biased. I'm stuck. And, at this point, I feel like if I choose him my family will basically disown me. They've made it clear that they will never speak to him again. That is clouding my opinion on what I actually want- and I don't know. His friend said he's known him for 5 years and he's never seen him as happy as he has been with me. If there were no lies, I would still be there. With the lies, I don't know. Hindsight 20/20 if he told me before any of this happened, I'm sure it would have turned out differently. He said if my parents approached it differently (my dad screamed at him- understandably) it may have turned out differently.He said if I made the decision to come back he would need my parents approval-- which, unless I take my parents to family al- anon meetings and they somehow turn around, he's not going to get.
Please give me some insight here? I'm lost. I told my best friend about all this and while I was talking I was thinking, this is absurd, why would I even consider going back? But as time goes by I keep bouncing back and forth. And right now I'm just numb.
I'm not an addict myself but was up until 6 days engaged to one. I'm hoping I can get some insight because I'm confused as to what to do here.
He is almost 4 years sober now, he was just under 2 years sober when I met him. On our first date he was very upfront with me and told me he was in jail for 8 years for attempted murder, and was a recovering addict. I respected that he told me this truth on the first date, it comforted me in a strange way. To know that he has addressed his past and is working towards being a better person. Also, he is 14 years older than me.
I wasn't living in the same city at the time and he would come up to me every weekend to spend a few days together. We met late May 2011 and when I went back to the city in September, I was moved into his new place by October. We had an interesting relationship, I am an artist who was going into my final year of school and he was more than happy to financially support me so i could focus on my work. He's a construction worker so if there was ever a time he needed help I would go with him to his job sites and help in any way I could. Our condo was tiny, and somehow we managed to only have 5 big fights in the 2 years of our relationship. He would tell me stories of his past, but I never saw him as an addict... looking back on it I realize I should have informed myself about dating an addict and what to expect. My parents liked him, my sister and brother not so much.
In December 2012 he proposed. I said yes and we were planning to be married early september 2013. We lived out of the city in the town we actually met with jobs that suited us well. Saturday, my parents came out and informed us both that they found out he lied about being in jail for 8 years. I was shocked. He just sat there knowing the truth had come out. i asked my parents to leave and he admitted he was only in jail for 2 years less a day. I have yet to see the proof of this and I am nervous that he is lying again, although his family all backs him up.
He explained that he made up this lie 5 years ago when he first entered sobriety. He didn't want to be just another junkie and he didn't feel like he belonged. I can actually understand that, I don't exactly accept it but I definitely understand it. And I've told him that.
Because my parents were the ones who found out they were fully involved in the break up. The night they told me I went out with them and when i came back home (which was extremely hard for my mother to understand) I found him in the shop drinking a beer- he said, well there's no point hiding this from you. I was upset but I didn't get mad.
He called his sister and told her the lie he told me and she called him an idiot. I then spoke with her and she said, yes, he can fabricate the truth. I asked some examples, like, did he beat up her abusive boyfriend in front of her and get arrested, having the charges dropped shortly after? She said she HAD an abusive boyfriend, he didn't beat him up in front of her, she doesn't know if that happened.
He said he spent most of his childhood on the streets. His sister said he always had a place at their home, his parents had an apartment for him at some point but not when he was 13 or 14. There were times that he would disappear for weeks at a time but he always came home.
There were little things like, he said he had his hair really long and he woke up with his mom standing above him with scissors holding a piece of his hair that she cut off. So he shaved his whole head. His sister doesn't recall that. His mom doesn't recall that either.
He actually had a second beer while I also had one. We had a talk and I told him I didn't know if I could trust him again, how do I know that there's nothing else he lied to me about? He fully respected what I was saying and took responsibility for screwing up. He said he would understand if I left, obviously he didn't want me to but he would understand. That night he slept on the couch while I was in the bed.
Sunday morning I woke up bawling and realized I had to pack my things. My mom came to my door and I told her I was leaving and just to leave me alone while I did what I needed to do. Of course, being irritatingly concerned parents, they still hovered, walking up and down the street to check on me. He came in and saw me packing and I just said, I have to leave. He was upset as I was but said he would take care of the work end, and would clean out the truck for me. I ended up starting the truck without him and he came to help me once he was done talking to one of our bosses who is also his best friend. He by this time cancelled our joint banking accounts and mentioned he would be separating our cell phones the following day. I was having a hard time bringing myself to leave because I still of course have feelings for him. I kept going back and forth between, I'm leaving and I don't want to go. Our boss (his best friend) called me and tried to use his past experiences to help me understand and give him a second chance. At that time I couldn't, I had to get out of there. I went back and we had a few cigarettes together and just talked. And I cried. It's blurry now but as we were talking I realized I wasn't ready to give up the two greatest years of my life. He said he was scared and he didn't want me to go and he was sobbing and we were holding each other. I told him I was going to try to explain to my parents that I couldn't go and I was going to stay and get to the truth. I saw my parents walking towards us so I went out there to stop them. I told them they weren't going to like what I was going to say but I wanted to stay and figure this out on my own. They got extremely mad and said he's just trying to manipulate me into staying. They said they didn't want to see me ruin my life and if I stayed I would be losing my family and they didn't want to see me get tangled in his web. At this point I was still at the, I don't want to stay and I don't want to go, point, but seeing how my parents were, both of them crying (they're not one to get emotional). I was somewhat forced to leave with them. They wouldn't let me drive my own truck, I had to go with my mom while my dad drove mine. I left my pack of smokes in the shop where my fiance was so i had to go get them, my mom following me. I grabbed them and said I have to go, I need a few days away from everybody to think about all this. He looked at me and said, I'm never going to see you again am I? I said I don't know (which I don't think he heard because my mom yelled my name). I left.
His parents didn't know about the lie he told me, and my mom (being irritatingly involved) called her and yelled at her. Which, I want to scream at her for doing. I understand she wants the best for me but who does she think she is? I am an adult, I have made my own decisions up until this point, and now they're trying to control the situation... it feels like now they're manipulating me. Telling me I can stay in a hotel for a while so I don't have to come home, then saying, no we actually want you at home. Saying they could fly me to another city where my best friend is, and still no word of that. For some reason they won't let me drive my own vehicle but are allowing me to borrow theirs. It's just weird.
I talked to his mom a couple days after this all happened, and I didn't feel like she was very surprised by what happened. She said she was absolutely devastated. I asked her about his "actual" jailtime and she didn't know dates or locations or reasons... which makes me somewhat suspicious. With that being said, from 18-30 years old, he wasn't very close with his family seeing he was out on the problem.
I talked to another friend of his who is in the program. I asked if there were any sort of meetings I could go to to make sense of this all. We had an hour long talk and he said look, he lied to me too, and I understand why and I've forgiven him. You need to ask yourself if this is always going to be in the back of your mind or if you can move on with him. He tried his best not to be biased. I'm stuck. And, at this point, I feel like if I choose him my family will basically disown me. They've made it clear that they will never speak to him again. That is clouding my opinion on what I actually want- and I don't know. His friend said he's known him for 5 years and he's never seen him as happy as he has been with me. If there were no lies, I would still be there. With the lies, I don't know. Hindsight 20/20 if he told me before any of this happened, I'm sure it would have turned out differently. He said if my parents approached it differently (my dad screamed at him- understandably) it may have turned out differently.He said if I made the decision to come back he would need my parents approval-- which, unless I take my parents to family al- anon meetings and they somehow turn around, he's not going to get.
Please give me some insight here? I'm lost. I told my best friend about all this and while I was talking I was thinking, this is absurd, why would I even consider going back? But as time goes by I keep bouncing back and forth. And right now I'm just numb.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Winnipeg
Posts: 12
I realized after talking to someone that I didn't mention, when he was into drugs, he was using crack, herion, meth, he said he drank sometimes to come down. Up until his slip, he was sober for almost 4 years
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Originally Posted by ashleyf 
Hi,
On our first date he was very upfront with me and told me he was in jail for 8 years for attempted murder, and was a recovering addict.
On our first date he was very upfront with me and told me he was in jail for 8 years for attempted murder, and was a recovering addict.
There are huge crimson flapping flags all over your post. And I'm sorry...you need MORE than al-anon sweetie. You need a therapist..with like a master's degree here. By continuing the relationship after his disclosure (which you saw as a positive rather than a negative) you showed very very loose boundaries for your own well being. You excuse too much...too fast. You took him at face value and you didn't know him. You chose to believe he was already beyond a very crafty addiction (that is hell to get over especially when one is not rigourously honest with self..which he has shown dishonesty) and violent, anger management issues. As someone who has worked with prisoners..you have no idea what institutional life ALSO has on the human psyche.
Sweetie...run to a therapist..NOW. For the love of God..run. I am able to access free counselling and service through a local transition house where I live. If that is not an option and money is at issue...pls ask your parents. I'm not saying you have to do anything else with respect to your bf other than get to a counsellor...PLEASE.
P.S. Please ensure he/she is well aware of addiction in knowledge/practice (relationship and substance)..and emotional abuse.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 46
Welcome to SR Ashley
Not that Im good at giving advice - but, I think that the best thing you can do right now is have Ashley time (away from parents and him) so that you can focus on what matters to you and what decisions are right for you.
Obviously this would mean getting all the support you need - AL ANON, therapist, SR etc..
Hugs
Shell
Not that Im good at giving advice - but, I think that the best thing you can do right now is have Ashley time (away from parents and him) so that you can focus on what matters to you and what decisions are right for you.
Obviously this would mean getting all the support you need - AL ANON, therapist, SR etc..
Hugs
Shell
We Do Recover
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,619
Welcome to SR! 
Glad you are here.
As an addict in recovery what I don't understand is why anyone would lie about about being locked up when in fact they were out free. I could see the point of lying about NOT going to jail, but saying you were there alot longer than you were ( in his case) just doesn't make sense to me. He may be hiding other things from you.
Addicts lie & manipulate other people. He broke the trust in this relationship by lying to you about his past. If he lied before, he will most likely lie again--to get what he wants. You are correct in that you are to be able to make your own decisions as an adult. However, if he is suggesting that your family is trying to manipulate you as far as he is concerned, well I don't buy that. Your parents are looking out for your best interests and are probably concerned for your own safety. You did say he told you he was previously charged with attempted murder.
We have a Friends and Family Forum here--of Alcoholism and Substance abuse. You could make a separate post there as well if you like. They have dealt with similar situations and can tell you their stories. You are not alone. Just remember to be safe and to look after yourself. Your own personal safety should always come first.
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Glad you are here. As an addict in recovery what I don't understand is why anyone would lie about about being locked up when in fact they were out free. I could see the point of lying about NOT going to jail, but saying you were there alot longer than you were ( in his case) just doesn't make sense to me. He may be hiding other things from you.
Addicts lie & manipulate other people. He broke the trust in this relationship by lying to you about his past. If he lied before, he will most likely lie again--to get what he wants. You are correct in that you are to be able to make your own decisions as an adult. However, if he is suggesting that your family is trying to manipulate you as far as he is concerned, well I don't buy that. Your parents are looking out for your best interests and are probably concerned for your own safety. You did say he told you he was previously charged with attempted murder.
We have a Friends and Family Forum here--of Alcoholism and Substance abuse. You could make a separate post there as well if you like. They have dealt with similar situations and can tell you their stories. You are not alone. Just remember to be safe and to look after yourself. Your own personal safety should always come first.
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,516
Originally Posted by ashleyf
Hi,
On our first date he was very upfront with me and told me he was in jail for 8 years for attempted murder
On our first date he was very upfront with me and told me he was in jail for 8 years for attempted murder
My suggestion is for you to seek therapy for yourself. Focus on yourself and what you need and want in your life.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Winnipeg
Posts: 12
I"ve always been a trustworthy person and have accepted people at face value. I was hesitant when he told me about the jail thing and it did start off sort of slow... but as I got to know him (or who I thought he was) I realized I really liked him. When I did meet him I wasn't at a good place in my life either, so maybe that's why I was so accepting of his "past". I had just broken up with a boyfriend a few months before (him and I were together only a couple short months- f'd up situation, I still don't understand what happened) and was definitely slightly damaged when he met me. I told him I would run, I wouldn't stick around. I feel myself justifying all of this right now, and I feel like I'm an idiot. I'm upset that he lied-- I'm not angry but extremely saddened. But my view is can I just give up on all that we had? Was any of it real? There has to be some realness to it, right? I understand waht you're saying and I'm obviously at some point of denial here because I know deep down you are right. As much as it hurts. But, at the same time, I don't want to run...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Winnipeg
Posts: 12
the reason he made up this lie is to stand out from all the others who were all just "junkies". I do understand it, and I talked to a friend who is also in recovery who knows both of us who my boyfriend also lied to. He said he himself didn't feel like he belonged at first and can see the attraction of lying. But he didn't. It snowballed into something bigger. It happened before I was in the picture. It's stupid and he's admitted it. But now I'm left going back and forth between what everyone else is saying.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
I'm not saying run...I'm saying working out YOUR issues with a therapist. This is about you..not him. I too have been far too trusting..but I'm sorry..they're are people in this world who shouldn't be trusted. Yes, as hard as that is to believe. I used to have an old boss who jokingly used to call "Miss Face Value" because I believe what people tell because I am a pretty honest and trustworthy person..I based others on myself. Belief in others is a good thing BUT it should not be at the expense of your well being and safety. And given what you said..there is a safety element here. I too got into my last toxic relationship when my self esteem was in the gutter. I ignored red flags all over the place..and his tale of woe grasped my heartstrings with a deathgrip.
Sweetie..it's your self worth that needs some attention. This is why I think you need a therapist...I'm not talking about your man's issues here whatsoever...you need help with you. Deal with your bf in due time....start dealing with YOU immediately.
Sweetie..it's your self worth that needs some attention. This is why I think you need a therapist...I'm not talking about your man's issues here whatsoever...you need help with you. Deal with your bf in due time....start dealing with YOU immediately.
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
I've posted on other threads what my sponsor once told me in early sobriety: "Trust is the first thing we lose, and the last thing we get back." For all the time I was sober, I was treated as a straightforward and trustworthy person. Lying was second nature for me during my relapse. I would do and say whatever I needed to in order to continue my drinking.
Though I didn't always think of myself as a bad person, I was that guy in a relationship who'd lie about anything in order to keep criticism of my behavior at bay. Needless to say, that relationship went up in flames in less than eighteen months. My belongings packed and out front, changed locks, and a request that I never try to contact her again. I contacted her only once after I was informed that I was no longer welcome; emailed her after six months back in sobriety, to make amends, knowing that she wouldn't accept my calls or consent to a face-to-face meeting. Haven't heard from her since.
I created and nurtured mistrust in a person who is generally honest, open and caring. That was my legacy. This is what many of us do, even in recovery. I didn't magically or suddenly become an honest person when I put down the drink. I needed to work at re-learning the better parts of who I am.
I've no doubt that being deceitful in sobriety would put my recovery at risk.
Though I didn't always think of myself as a bad person, I was that guy in a relationship who'd lie about anything in order to keep criticism of my behavior at bay. Needless to say, that relationship went up in flames in less than eighteen months. My belongings packed and out front, changed locks, and a request that I never try to contact her again. I contacted her only once after I was informed that I was no longer welcome; emailed her after six months back in sobriety, to make amends, knowing that she wouldn't accept my calls or consent to a face-to-face meeting. Haven't heard from her since.
I created and nurtured mistrust in a person who is generally honest, open and caring. That was my legacy. This is what many of us do, even in recovery. I didn't magically or suddenly become an honest person when I put down the drink. I needed to work at re-learning the better parts of who I am.
I've no doubt that being deceitful in sobriety would put my recovery at risk.
Marcher
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Florida
Posts: 3,235
I agree with Nuudawn. There is a reason you so readily accepted, and allowed yourself to fall in love with, this man with serious baggage. And why you are wondering whether to stay with him now that he's proven himself a liar, to you. Not to mention he's no longer sober. How is this going to get better?
You are an adult. Get yourself some therapy so that you can make good decisions for your life. Adult decisions get adult consequences. You shouldn't be paying for his consequences. You are worthy of a good life!
You are an adult. Get yourself some therapy so that you can make good decisions for your life. Adult decisions get adult consequences. You shouldn't be paying for his consequences. You are worthy of a good life!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: SoCal, California
Posts: 990
Ashley - you need some serious help.
That may sound harsh but it's true.
Anyone that would even consider continuing any contact at all with this fellow is in need of serious help.
He's lied over and over about serious things and you're making excuses for him.
First, stop all contact with him.
Second, get intensive therapy and discover why you would ever consider being around this fellow.
That may sound harsh but it's true.
Anyone that would even consider continuing any contact at all with this fellow is in need of serious help.
He's lied over and over about serious things and you're making excuses for him.
First, stop all contact with him.
Second, get intensive therapy and discover why you would ever consider being around this fellow.
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