Not sure how to cope with potentially suicidal XAFWB? ES&H welcome (long wordy post)
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Not sure how to cope with potentially suicidal XAFWB? ES&H welcome (long wordy post)
Hello Wise SR Folks…
I’ve had no contact with my XAFWB (friend with benefits) since May when he showed up at my house on a Friday morning at 10:30am, already drunk (or maybe still drunk from the night before?). I was working from home that day and made it clear that he wasn’t welcome, he took the hint and left (with the beer he had stashed behind my back fence). He’s called a couple of times since and I just ignore his calls. We’ve had periods of no contact before but this time feels different. I don’t miss him.
On the very few occasions when my mind begins to drift down the “what if” lane, it quickly comes to a screeching halt when I remember the reality of who and what he is right now, an active A with no plan to change. His behavior for the last year or so has been typical active A stuff; King Baby syndrome and generally lying, manipulating and cheating his way through life. When I was younger, I remember discussing break ups with boys with my girlfriends. We came to the conclusion that when you got ‘icked’ there was no going back and you knew it was over. I believe I’ve been ‘icked’.
So XAFWB lives with his Mom and hasn’t paid her a dime in rent for 4 years. Every penny he gets he spends on himself, most of it to booze. His Mom threatened to ‘evict’ him last year around this time, but didn’t follow through. At that time I saw him spiral even further out of control complete with threats of suicide. One day around that time he was supposed to spend the day doing things around my house (to pay me back for the $100 I lent him for pay his storage fees that month), but he called and said he couldn’t make it but needed to talk to me urgently. I was annoyed but went to see him and when I got there he said he’d taken 15-25 pills (can’t remember what now). I asked him what emergency room he wanted to go to and he refused. I told him there was nothing more I could do for him and left. I did let his Mom know what had happened. I’m pretty sure he either didn’t take any pills or not the amount he said he did. He seemed to ‘recover’ and forget about it. His Mom eventually caved and he continued his increased level of consumption.
Fast forward to now. His Mom is moving beginning this coming Friday and will be gone by the 31st to a new place. Her eldest daughter is moving back to the area with her 2 kids and they have rented a place together. XAFWB was told in early June that this was happening and that he was not moving in with them and that he needed to make arrangements. His Mom and I chat occasionally and when we had tea a few weeks ago I was impressed with her resolve. The added bonus is that the sister who’s moving back is a ‘hard-a$$’ and I’m certain she will not tolerate her active A brother anywhere near her house and kids (Dad was and still is an active A who is currently minimally functional and who terrorized them all for 18 years, in an out of shelters, having to move a lot etc).
XAFWB and I have a couple of mutual friends and I’ve heard that (surprise surprise) he hasn’t made any arrangements in terms of where he will live come the 31st. He’s apparently also dropping veiled suicide threats, stuff like, “you guys aren’t going to seem me around anymore” to folks in the neighbourhood. I know that last year when this was going on and before his Mom caved that he was doing the same thing.
Okay, so I know he’s being manipulative and I know that there will be drama of some sort between now and move out day and likely more after that. And since I’ve had no contact since May , thankfully I don’t have a front row seat. Further than that, I know he knows that this particular manipulation works on me.
Why? Because XAFWB knows that I had a boyfriend in the late 90’s who I was with for 3 or so years, who I remained close to through the years and that in July of 2010 he took his own life by jumping off a bridge. Unbeknownst to me and his family, he was in the throes of a crystal meth addiction. XAFWB knows that he called me 3 times that day and that I was away that weekend and that I was the last person he was known to try to contact.
I’m fully expecting XAFWB to show up here within the next couple of weeks. I have a plan (A and B) to turn him away. Our mutual friend suggested telling him I’m seeing someone else as well, to discourage him from coming back. It would be easier if it was winter and I wouldn’t be outside if/when he shows up. Given that it’s summer, he may catch me outside and off guard. My plan is to give him $20 to get a cab and send him away, and tell him that next time he’s still not staying and there will be no cab fare.
I am really struggling with the suicide threats. Even though I know it’s manipulation, I still fear the worst case scenario. If I was in any way connected to that I’m not sure how I would cope.
I’m sorry this is long and wordy. I get long-winded and wordy when I’m confused.
Any ES&H would be very appreciated.
Thanks all,
Chick
I’ve had no contact with my XAFWB (friend with benefits) since May when he showed up at my house on a Friday morning at 10:30am, already drunk (or maybe still drunk from the night before?). I was working from home that day and made it clear that he wasn’t welcome, he took the hint and left (with the beer he had stashed behind my back fence). He’s called a couple of times since and I just ignore his calls. We’ve had periods of no contact before but this time feels different. I don’t miss him.
On the very few occasions when my mind begins to drift down the “what if” lane, it quickly comes to a screeching halt when I remember the reality of who and what he is right now, an active A with no plan to change. His behavior for the last year or so has been typical active A stuff; King Baby syndrome and generally lying, manipulating and cheating his way through life. When I was younger, I remember discussing break ups with boys with my girlfriends. We came to the conclusion that when you got ‘icked’ there was no going back and you knew it was over. I believe I’ve been ‘icked’.
So XAFWB lives with his Mom and hasn’t paid her a dime in rent for 4 years. Every penny he gets he spends on himself, most of it to booze. His Mom threatened to ‘evict’ him last year around this time, but didn’t follow through. At that time I saw him spiral even further out of control complete with threats of suicide. One day around that time he was supposed to spend the day doing things around my house (to pay me back for the $100 I lent him for pay his storage fees that month), but he called and said he couldn’t make it but needed to talk to me urgently. I was annoyed but went to see him and when I got there he said he’d taken 15-25 pills (can’t remember what now). I asked him what emergency room he wanted to go to and he refused. I told him there was nothing more I could do for him and left. I did let his Mom know what had happened. I’m pretty sure he either didn’t take any pills or not the amount he said he did. He seemed to ‘recover’ and forget about it. His Mom eventually caved and he continued his increased level of consumption.
Fast forward to now. His Mom is moving beginning this coming Friday and will be gone by the 31st to a new place. Her eldest daughter is moving back to the area with her 2 kids and they have rented a place together. XAFWB was told in early June that this was happening and that he was not moving in with them and that he needed to make arrangements. His Mom and I chat occasionally and when we had tea a few weeks ago I was impressed with her resolve. The added bonus is that the sister who’s moving back is a ‘hard-a$$’ and I’m certain she will not tolerate her active A brother anywhere near her house and kids (Dad was and still is an active A who is currently minimally functional and who terrorized them all for 18 years, in an out of shelters, having to move a lot etc).
XAFWB and I have a couple of mutual friends and I’ve heard that (surprise surprise) he hasn’t made any arrangements in terms of where he will live come the 31st. He’s apparently also dropping veiled suicide threats, stuff like, “you guys aren’t going to seem me around anymore” to folks in the neighbourhood. I know that last year when this was going on and before his Mom caved that he was doing the same thing.
Okay, so I know he’s being manipulative and I know that there will be drama of some sort between now and move out day and likely more after that. And since I’ve had no contact since May , thankfully I don’t have a front row seat. Further than that, I know he knows that this particular manipulation works on me.
Why? Because XAFWB knows that I had a boyfriend in the late 90’s who I was with for 3 or so years, who I remained close to through the years and that in July of 2010 he took his own life by jumping off a bridge. Unbeknownst to me and his family, he was in the throes of a crystal meth addiction. XAFWB knows that he called me 3 times that day and that I was away that weekend and that I was the last person he was known to try to contact.
I’m fully expecting XAFWB to show up here within the next couple of weeks. I have a plan (A and B) to turn him away. Our mutual friend suggested telling him I’m seeing someone else as well, to discourage him from coming back. It would be easier if it was winter and I wouldn’t be outside if/when he shows up. Given that it’s summer, he may catch me outside and off guard. My plan is to give him $20 to get a cab and send him away, and tell him that next time he’s still not staying and there will be no cab fare.
I am really struggling with the suicide threats. Even though I know it’s manipulation, I still fear the worst case scenario. If I was in any way connected to that I’m not sure how I would cope.
I’m sorry this is long and wordy. I get long-winded and wordy when I’m confused.
Any ES&H would be very appreciated.
Thanks all,
Chick
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
I'm so sorry you are going through this! My short answer is:
Always call 911. If the person is really in trouble, they will receive the help they need. If the person is being manipulative, they will think twice about doing so again.
IMHO it is always best to err on the side of caution when dealing with suicide threats.
Always call 911. If the person is really in trouble, they will receive the help they need. If the person is being manipulative, they will think twice about doing so again.
IMHO it is always best to err on the side of caution when dealing with suicide threats.
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hello Chickadees, and pleased to "meet" you 
I concur with HydroGirl. Suicide threats are _not_ something to treat lightly. It really takes a professional to figure out if the threat is real or not. Which is why we strongly recommend calling 911.
I am glad to see you have worked out some plans. You know, if he is making suicide threats to you and your mutual friends you might consider calling the police _now_. That way if he does actually show up they will be informed and prepared. You could consider making that your plan "C", if he shows up call the police regardless of whether he makes threats on the day he shows up.
Oh, and don't worry about being wordy, you have a lot of stress in your life. Write all you want and we will read it, that's what SR is for
Mike
I concur with HydroGirl. Suicide threats are _not_ something to treat lightly. It really takes a professional to figure out if the threat is real or not. Which is why we strongly recommend calling 911.
I am glad to see you have worked out some plans. You know, if he is making suicide threats to you and your mutual friends you might consider calling the police _now_. That way if he does actually show up they will be informed and prepared. You could consider making that your plan "C", if he shows up call the police regardless of whether he makes threats on the day he shows up.
Oh, and don't worry about being wordy, you have a lot of stress in your life. Write all you want and we will read it, that's what SR is for
Mike
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
And I will third what they said.
Take the threats seriously, call 911, but don't let your guard down and don't let him manipulate you into taking care of him.
You're overthinking this, as my man would say: you don't have any reason to make up a story explaining why you're not going to help him. You don't, because you have no obligation to help him. Not opening your home to him doesn't make you a bad person - it makes you a smart person with boundaries.
You are in your full right to block his phone calls and not open your door to him.
Take the threats seriously, call 911, but don't let your guard down and don't let him manipulate you into taking care of him.
You're overthinking this, as my man would say: you don't have any reason to make up a story explaining why you're not going to help him. You don't, because you have no obligation to help him. Not opening your home to him doesn't make you a bad person - it makes you a smart person with boundaries.
You are in your full right to block his phone calls and not open your door to him.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 56
Thanks Mike and Hydrogirl, I really appreciate your input.
I called 911 on him once before when he went over to my 90 yr old neighbour's house and (I think) drank so much of his booze I thought he was dead or going to die (I posted about here on SR with a title something like, "What I did this Sunday Afternoon"). I'll do it again if I feel as though he's a threat to himself (or others).
Geez, in my work life I deal with folks with mental health issues and their families all the time but it seems that when I need to deal with it in my own personal life I get all jumbled up and confused. Aaack.
Good Roads,
Chick
I called 911 on him once before when he went over to my 90 yr old neighbour's house and (I think) drank so much of his booze I thought he was dead or going to die (I posted about here on SR with a title something like, "What I did this Sunday Afternoon"). I'll do it again if I feel as though he's a threat to himself (or others).
Geez, in my work life I deal with folks with mental health issues and their families all the time but it seems that when I need to deal with it in my own personal life I get all jumbled up and confused. Aaack.
Good Roads,
Chick
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 56
Thanks lillamy. I very much appreciate your support.
I suppose what I'm most worried about is him showing up when I'm outside in my yard. The layout is such that I can't see him coming. Then it's not just a matter of ignoring the phone/email, I'm going to have to deal with him face to face.
I suppose what I'm most worried about is him showing up when I'm outside in my yard. The layout is such that I can't see him coming. Then it's not just a matter of ignoring the phone/email, I'm going to have to deal with him face to face.
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Originally Posted by Chickadees 
... Geez, in my work life I deal with folks with mental health issues and their families all the time but it seems that when I need to deal with it in my own personal life I get all jumbled up and confused. ...
So go right ahead and get as jumbled and confused as you need
There's tons of wisdom and experience here that will help you find your way. And when one of us gets all tangled up in our emotions, you can help us shake the cobwebs out of our minds.Mike
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Join Date: Oct 2010
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You never treat friends or family. You have heard that he who represents himself in a court of law has a fool for a lawyer? Pretty normal to get all futzed up when it is not detached but personal.
It is a matter of ethics to report anyone that threatens to harm themselves or others.
If he makes that threat do it. He needs help either way and you can't help him to be independent. We all have to be independent, independently, otherwise it becomes codependent. Then no one is independent. And you don't even get to claim them as dependents come tax time!
It is a matter of ethics to report anyone that threatens to harm themselves or others.
If he makes that threat do it. He needs help either way and you can't help him to be independent. We all have to be independent, independently, otherwise it becomes codependent. Then no one is independent. And you don't even get to claim them as dependents come tax time!
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