"Support" a Codie?

Old 07-22-2013, 01:58 PM
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"Support" a Codie?

Hi I would appreciate some advice!
Long story short, I have alc Bro (widower) and codep Mom. Mom is going to court for temporary custody of his two boys aged 6 & 8 later this week. Mom is 70 and does ok, but this will be hard on her physically, let alone the mental anguish she has been though the last few weeks.

I have chosen to remain vehemently neutral in this situation. Way I see it, it has taken two to tango over the last 10 years and I have opinions neither party would care to hear.

I called to check in on Mom today and made the mistake of letting her start talking about it... "...So the lawyer asks me, is your daughter supportive of you in this? I had to tell her no, I get no support from my daughter." I told mom I just want to see eventually see the two of them living independent lives, without all this codependent crap (oops). That did not go over well. Luckily her cell phone rang so she left it at that.

How in the heck do I "support her" but remain uninvolved? I don't want to get dragged into this, yet here I am, posting about them instead of taking care of myself and my own family on my day off. "I ain't got time for that."

Thanks I appreciate your input.

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Old 07-22-2013, 02:19 PM
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This sounds to me like nothing more than an attempt to manipulate you. To what end? I dunno. At the end of the day, you have to take care of You. And if that means staying out of the unhealthy relationship between your brother and your mom, then that's what it means. Taking care of ourselves doesn't always feel good, at least, not at first. Working towards understanding what is ours and what it someone else's is a good way to diffuse the emotion around things like this.
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Old 07-22-2013, 03:20 PM
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All you really need to do is to say, Mom, it doesn't matter what I think. This is your life, you have to make the call. I support your right to do what you think is best.

Period. You don't have to get involved in whether it's a good idea or a bad idea.
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Old 07-22-2013, 03:28 PM
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I see the only sane support as keeping clear of codie's problems.
Sounds tough with family but eventually the point is reached where
your best efforts come across as futile.
Besides, whatever you say/do I imagine, may be held against you in
the end result.
That's how I experienced co-dependency.
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Old 07-22-2013, 05:36 PM
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Phew! Thank you people! Going to just keep on keepin' on. Live and let live. Detach with love. Save myself.

...And go hug my own 3 amazing teenagers and count my blessings.

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Old 07-22-2013, 10:45 PM
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I have an elderly Mom who still enables my 50yo AB. For many years, her decisions with respect to my brother caused problems in our relationship. It took a great counselor and AlAnon to help me learn to stay out of it all. I realized what Lexie just's her life and she has to make the call. So I don't give opinions on what she does, I don't get involved in what happens between her and my brother. It breaks my heart at times, but I am healthier staying out of it. And my relationship with my Mom is better too. She also tries to guilt me about my brother, but I see it for what it is and don't let it bother me. As you said MaxieJ....Live and let live!!!
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