Checking myself into treatment
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Hoxie, KS
Posts: 39
Checking myself into treatment
Exactly a month ago, I started seeing my RAB again. Two previous threads explained a few things I had been dealing with upon our reconnecting.
To sum it all up... I found myself feeling very sad and upset after each time we had gotten together. In my mind I thought we could make a go at a relationship. He was so different, so at peace. All I have ever wanted was to be with this man sober. I found myself constantly needing his reassurance that he loved me. He even said "Absolutely" when I asked if I could call him my "boyfriend" again.
Every time I left I was so uneasy, so scared. The future frightened me. I knew he had much further to go in his recovery before we could ever have a "normal" relationship. He would drop little hints to me through texts that things would never be the same as they once were. That he was still trying to figure things out. I knew how much my Co-dependent behaviors drove him away while we were living together. I remember saying to him that if he felt I was being to pushy or interfering with his recovery to please let me know.
Something happened the other night. His sister came over and started in on me about sleeping with him. Her exact words were, "You are giving up the milk for free." I was humiliated and embarrassed. It wasn't her chewing me out it was mostly asking way to many personal questions and using a joking manner to do just that... Embarrass and humiliate me. Anyhow, I called him and told him and he basically without actually saying directly that he needed his space and I needed to back off. It was devastating to hear.
I realized that moment what was really going on... I was so heavily back into my addiction I couldn't even function. I am "addicted" to him, or the feelings I get when I am with him. The secure, safe, exhilarating feeling that I am lovable. For those of u that know what Im talking about, it is beyond any other "high" I can imagine. When u dont love urself and u seek that from someone else it is so damn intoxicating. Its also the scariest thing in the world.
I decided I need to get some help... I have never felt so low in my life. I called a treatment center and Im checking myself in for a two week stay to overcome Co-Dependency. I don't go for another week so I could get some things worked out with my job and people to help with my girls. I cant let them see me like this any longer. And I cant take feeling the way I do any more. This week ahead will prolly be the toughest yet. Anticipation for getting better yet still feeling the despair till I go.
All positive thoughts and prayers would be appreciated. I am overwhelmed right now. Trying not to project into the future or having no control of how my (boyfriend) feels is so agonizing.
To sum it all up... I found myself feeling very sad and upset after each time we had gotten together. In my mind I thought we could make a go at a relationship. He was so different, so at peace. All I have ever wanted was to be with this man sober. I found myself constantly needing his reassurance that he loved me. He even said "Absolutely" when I asked if I could call him my "boyfriend" again.
Every time I left I was so uneasy, so scared. The future frightened me. I knew he had much further to go in his recovery before we could ever have a "normal" relationship. He would drop little hints to me through texts that things would never be the same as they once were. That he was still trying to figure things out. I knew how much my Co-dependent behaviors drove him away while we were living together. I remember saying to him that if he felt I was being to pushy or interfering with his recovery to please let me know.
Something happened the other night. His sister came over and started in on me about sleeping with him. Her exact words were, "You are giving up the milk for free." I was humiliated and embarrassed. It wasn't her chewing me out it was mostly asking way to many personal questions and using a joking manner to do just that... Embarrass and humiliate me. Anyhow, I called him and told him and he basically without actually saying directly that he needed his space and I needed to back off. It was devastating to hear.
I realized that moment what was really going on... I was so heavily back into my addiction I couldn't even function. I am "addicted" to him, or the feelings I get when I am with him. The secure, safe, exhilarating feeling that I am lovable. For those of u that know what Im talking about, it is beyond any other "high" I can imagine. When u dont love urself and u seek that from someone else it is so damn intoxicating. Its also the scariest thing in the world.
I decided I need to get some help... I have never felt so low in my life. I called a treatment center and Im checking myself in for a two week stay to overcome Co-Dependency. I don't go for another week so I could get some things worked out with my job and people to help with my girls. I cant let them see me like this any longer. And I cant take feeling the way I do any more. This week ahead will prolly be the toughest yet. Anticipation for getting better yet still feeling the despair till I go.
All positive thoughts and prayers would be appreciated. I am overwhelmed right now. Trying not to project into the future or having no control of how my (boyfriend) feels is so agonizing.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello Ltlys, I'm sorry you are in such deep pain.
I think it is extraordinarily brave of you to both realize you need help and to seek it out. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers!
I hope, for now, you can concentrate solely on what needs to be done to prepare. Just take each hour and each task at a time.
I know you will do just great! Sending hugs
I think it is extraordinarily brave of you to both realize you need help and to seek it out. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers!
I hope, for now, you can concentrate solely on what needs to be done to prepare. Just take each hour and each task at a time.
I know you will do just great! Sending hugs
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I think that is AWESOME. Not that you are in pain, of course, but that you are getting some real, intensive help. That takes guts, kiddo!
I'll tell you something. One thing that my journey with alcoholism (my own and other people's) has taught me, is that it is dumb to suffer when you can reach out for help.
Very proud of you!
I'll tell you something. One thing that my journey with alcoholism (my own and other people's) has taught me, is that it is dumb to suffer when you can reach out for help.
Very proud of you!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Ltlys, I am so impressed with your clarity abour what you need---and taking steps to directly deal with it.
I guess that I have been out of the loop---but, I actually didn't know that there are treatment centers specifically for co-dependency. How did you find it--if you care to say.
dandylion
I guess that I have been out of the loop---but, I actually didn't know that there are treatment centers specifically for co-dependency. How did you find it--if you care to say.
dandylion
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Hoxie, KS
Posts: 39
Its actually a treatment center for drugs and alcohol and I just called them to see if they could do anything for me or if they had any suggestions. They told me that they offered a two week program for CoDependency issues.
I am not sure if I will be singled out or if I will be integrated in with the others. The women I spoke with told me that my issues are so similar to that of substance abuse and that the consequences of not getting help could have the exact same effects on me and my family.
It can also be harder to overcome than any tangible substance. That scares me a bit!
I am not sure if I will be singled out or if I will be integrated in with the others. The women I spoke with told me that my issues are so similar to that of substance abuse and that the consequences of not getting help could have the exact same effects on me and my family.
It can also be harder to overcome than any tangible substance. That scares me a bit!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Ltlys, thanks for your answer. That sounds very logical and reasonable, to me. I think that is an interesting way to approach the treatment.
Look at it this way: If you have suffered at the hands of an alcoholic---you have already suffered the worst part. You may be having a grief reaction, now (understandable)--but, it will not last forever. Short-term pain for long-term gain. Your goal is a brighter, happier tomorrow--and I know you will get there!
dandylion
Look at it this way: If you have suffered at the hands of an alcoholic---you have already suffered the worst part. You may be having a grief reaction, now (understandable)--but, it will not last forever. Short-term pain for long-term gain. Your goal is a brighter, happier tomorrow--and I know you will get there!
dandylion
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I don't know that "co-dependency issues" are necessarily harder to overcome than actual substance abuse issues. I think the main difference is that it's not quite as clear-cut when you are having success or not. Obviously, someone who is successfully recovering from substance abuse issues can count his or her time "clean" as at least one measure of that success. It's a little harder with "co-dependency" or "effects of dealing with addiction" to measure success. Over time, though, you should feel stronger, happier, more confident about your life. It won't happen overnight, or in two weeks. The goal is to get the tools, and get the knowledge, so you can continue to improve your own life. It's a gradual process and not always a straight line. Sometimes you might "plateau" in your recovery or even have a "slip" or take a few steps back. Those can be recovered from, IF you have the tools to recognize it and deal with it.
I think you are doing yourself a big favor, and I thing Al-Anon as an aftercare plan would be great, as well.
I think you are doing yourself a big favor, and I thing Al-Anon as an aftercare plan would be great, as well.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
I'm really so excited that you are taking this step for your own health and future! It must be scary stepping into the unknown--but I expect that if you do mix with the rest of the population at this rehab, you can be assured that they are JUST as scared as you!
What a fantastic future you are creating for yourself!
What a fantastic future you are creating for yourself!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
It can also be harder to overcome than any tangible substance. That scares me a bit!
Admitting the problem and getting help.
Wow! You amaze me!
If you are willing I hope you will come back and share your experience, strength and hope here.
Great strength sent to you!
Beth
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
I don't know of a more serious proactive step in the right direction! Well done!
Be sure to let us know how it goes, and any brilliance you want to share after the two weeks are up.
Proud of you,
~T
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
Congratulations and I hope you get many tools and a good kick start on your recovery
Ps: I did not know they had rehabs for codependents, I think even more of us than alcoholics and addicts go suffering through life undiagnosed and untreated.
Ps: I did not know they had rehabs for codependents, I think even more of us than alcoholics and addicts go suffering through life undiagnosed and untreated.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Hoxie, KS
Posts: 39
Thank you all so much for the kind words of encouragement! Also, for clarifying a bit about the "recovery" from Co-dependency vs. substance abuse.
I had been trying on my own to fix this issue but, it wasn't quite working! I knew I needed more tools to help me!
I plan on telling u all about my experience upon my completion of the two weeks.
I had been trying on my own to fix this issue but, it wasn't quite working! I knew I needed more tools to help me!
I plan on telling u all about my experience upon my completion of the two weeks.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: somewhere south
Posts: 510
Wow! I am very impressed that you recognized what was happening within yourself and sought out treatment so quickly to correct it. That shows amazing strength and determination. You should give yourself a pat on the back. From the actions you are describing you have come a long way from where you were previously. You see unhealthy patterns and fix them. I wish you the best over the next few weeks. Keep getting stronger.
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