DreamsofSerenity

I've got this friend I've known for about three years.. I met her through the kids' school and liked her because she is a single mom, smart, funny, and edgy.
We became good friends in the sense that I confided in her a lot about my life, and she confided in me about the guys she was dating (having sex with).

She's been lying to me quite a bit lately.( She's probably been lying all along but I've only started to wise up to it now.). She lied about where she went on a trip while I watched her kids, which really pissed me off. Then on Fourth of July, I took the kids all day to the zoo. She said she couldn't come with us because she couldn't leave her new puppy alone. It turns out she left the puppy anyway and went shopping.That night waiting for the fireworks show, I played cards with all the kids while she texted someone, laughing all the while at whatever they were discussing. I totally felt like the nanny. She is older than I am and looks a lot older. I almost felt like she was getting off pretending I was a nanny.

The puppy was a sore subject between us. When she told me she was getting it, I thought she was joking. She works fifty hours a week and commutes 1.5 hours each way. She just finished a massive remodel of her house that took over a year and ate up all her savings. Her eldest child has learning differences and needs a lot of extra help, and both kids are in sports. I found it inconceivable that she was considering bringing a poor puppy into her already stressed life and told her so, which was out of my character. She got very defensive, drove 6 hours to pick it up the next week (and lied about it), and brought it over to my house as a "surprise".

Last week I was supposed to pick up her eldest child to do something with my kids that they were all really excited about. Her child texted me in tears that morning and said he couldn't go because he didn't take the puppy out and it had peed in the house. In addition, he hadn't done his summer homework the right way.I tried to get a hold of my friend (his mother) but she was non repsonsive all day and then lied the next day about it, telling me she was in a board meeting and couldn't text. Her kids are home alone all day so I knew it was total BS.

I've seen how she treats her kids. She is cold and punitive. Actually she's simply mean, and judging by this puppy thing, seems to get off on setting them up to fail so she has a reason to unload on them. I am starting to believe her kids are being emotionally abused. She has called her son with the learning problems "********" before. Is it normal that he has an image of the devil linked to her contact on his iPhone? When I saw that I started thinking of her as Mommy Dearest.

In so many ways, she acts like an alcoholic: The lying, the emotional abuse, the way she always comes back and acts like nothing has happened after she's done something she knows I'm mad about. I don't think she is an alcoholic--she rarely drinks--but something is not right about her. I don't know if she is just a full blown workaholic with all the corresponding addict behaviors or if she is borderline like Mommy Dearest herself.

Knowing this (that something is not right with her), I am faced with the codie dilemma: stick around and hope she gets her **** together, or let the friendship go. I now know who she is (approximately). She is a user, and an abuser. I also know from my time spent on SR that I can not change her. She disrespects me by lying to me, and upsets me by being, frankly, a crappy mother. According to the "rules" of SR, I should let this relationship go.

I care about her kids and they have started to put me in the middle of a situation I can do nothing about. The oldest is very bonded to me and I can tell it is starting to bother her. The other day we were eating at a take-out place and I asked him to go refill my ice tea. He jumped up and did it. She made some caustic and snide remark about how he'd do anything for me. He heard it. It was inappropriate and uncomfortable.

I'm sorry if this post was totally boring. There are people on here who have alcoholic husbands threatening to kill them and I am whining about this b-tch which I realize is kind of lame. I am just wondering if anyone has any ideas about what I should do, or about what could possibly be wrong with this woman. This thing is weighing quite heavily on my heart.

ZenMe

She isn't friend material. Let go of the guilt and trying to figure her out. Make room for someone who is worthy of a wonderful friendship with you.

I believe we have a limited amount of emotional and mental energy per day, don't let this woman take up precious slots of your energy.

I've seen people get puppies/kittens out of pure impulse, that's their version of numbing. Something is afoot, does it really matter what? Unless the dss needs to be called into it.

DreamsofSerenity

Thanks, Zen.. I know you're right but her absence has left quite a hole in our (the kids and my) lives. (That kind of shows how sad my life is, doesn't it?) It is hard to make friends who have kids that get along with mine, or who don't have controlling husbands that don't want them hanging out with single women, or who don't talk about baking and the PA all the time.I have a lot of friends without kids but I really like hanging with my kids as much as I can.

I think this has just driven home the fact that I am attracted to unhealthy people, male and female. What do I mean by "edgy"? I mean bitchy and kind of naughty. I have all the info I need going in, yet choose to ignore it for some reason.

I am going to move to Europe too. Let's catch up there.

DreamsofSerenity

I guess I need to really bottom out with everything and then build myself up from the beginning. I need to feel all the consequences of all my crappy decisions in life.

If there are typos in this, it is because I am writing it while walking on my treadmill.

LexieCat

Wow, writing on the treadmill? Now THAT'S impressive!

I wouldn't be too hard on yourself. You are, as you said, just wising up to the fact that she lies a lot. She apparently is pretty good at it, so that isn't necessarily your being somehow unhealthy not to have picked up on it before.

I remember how uncomfortable you were about the vacation she lied about. And I know I sort of blew that off as maybe having a logical explanation. IMO, unless something is CLEARLY way out of line, there is no harm in giving someone a bit of the benefit of the doubt.

It seems she has now removed all doubt, though, and so I am totally getting where you are coming from. It's too bad her poor kids have to suffer.

This is really a bit of a dilemma. I suppose what I might try to do is to continue to welcome the kids to visit, but only when it is JUST the kids, you know? And only for short visits, like a sleepover now and then, not taking them for a week while she does god-knows-what. I don't know, though, how tough it would be to keep your distance from her even while you welcome the kids.

Sorry, I guess that isn't much help. Maybe someone else here will have something more helpful to suggest.

Argnotthisagain

I feel for the kids and the puppy.

Hope the kids don't take out their rage on the poor dog.

Sounds like a personality disorder, class B. All the hallmarks...lying, using people, superficial charm, disregard for harm done to others, supreme egotism, sense of entitlement. Basically an alcohic without the liquor.

Yecch.
I know the lonely feeling; it's hard starting over again. But you're lucky to get her out of your life!!!
Strange how it's so easy to see from outside, but when you're in it, it's hard to catch your breath long enough to come out of the spell.

DreamsofSerenity

Thanks, you guys. I think I just needed to get it out because it's been bugging me so much lately. I tried to blow it off because in the scheme of things, it really isn't a big deal. But tonight I finally admitted to myself that it really was upsetting me and decided to honor it. I've spent my life burying my feelings and it hasn't worked too well.

I agree she must have some sort of personality disorder. It is so much like an alkie without the booze. I just don't need anymore of that cr-p in my life. This is different because she is raging at her kids and not me, but I almost wish she would rage at me if it meant it would spare the kids.

I will try to take her kids for short visits, Lexie, but she is such a control freak. I'm worried she will use them to get at me or something. I'm hoping it will come down to her needing a place to dump her kids for the night, and me being able to be there for them. I will have to convince her that she is the one who is getting the most out of it or she will try to squash it.

I had those kids a lot so there was an attachment that developed, yet I have no control over what happens to them. It is a horrible feeling, especially for a codie. I'm not sure I could ever be a foster parent.

You guys should try the treadmill. You can SR, read, watch movies, and talk on the phone while walking on it. Running is a bit trickier.

Thank you for your support. I'm so grateful for SR and all of you. For the first time in my life, I "know" some healthy people. It's really been a gift.

LexieCat

I'd settle for learning to walk and chew gum at the same time.

OTOH, I don't like gum anyway.

DreamsofSerenity

LOL!

Come on. You're going to have that cleaned out basement.

HopefulmomtoD

Perhaps she is abusing pills .... a little harder to detect?

LexieCat

Actually, I do have a treadmill, that is awkwardly sitting in my living room at the moment. It WILL be moved down to the basement, once the flooring is installed. I'll have to get a TV down there at some point, obviously.

DreamsofSerenity

I am expecting your first SR communication from your basement located treadmill by 09/01/13. And you must write it while chewing gum.

DreamsofSerenity

I guess that could be. I've never seen any signs of it but you never know with addicts. She definitely has some kind of compulsion, and all the inner rage I saw with my exabf. It's like she is seething inside all the time and has chosen her kids to dump it on.

Thank you for your thought.

LexieCat

You fail to understand the depths of my lack of hand-eye coordination. I RARELY text message anyone because it takes me forever using thumbs or fingers. I need a full-sized keyboard.

But just for you, I will send one post. You didn't say that it had to be ungarbled.

Eve13

dreamsofserenity I would actually not encourage this relationship with her as well as with the kids. It's nice that you've been a positive presence for this time, but as you've already pointed out, she is making caustic remarks. That doesn't bode well for her children. If one of your kids wants to play with one of hers, that could be arranged. But I would have the kids initiate and have them ONLY at your house. As parents we have relationships that ebb and flow with parents of our kids friends. Not a big deal to back off in light of your awareness of her behavior.

And yes, I am impressed with typing and walking at the same time too

DreamsofSerenity

Haha. I feel so proud that I am impressing people on SR with my "skill". I must admit, I did fall off the treadmill once. I've got it backed against a wall in my house, and after I fell, I slid back on the belt and got stuck in the space between the machine and the wall. The treadmill kept running and I was pinned there for what felt like 5 minutes but was probably only a few seconds. I was fine structurally but did have a bunch of skin on my arm sanded off. No biggie. No reason to not give the ultimate experience in multi-tasking a try.

Thanks for the thoughts. Yes, I will try to have the kids over somehow without going head to head with her. She knows me, and knows why I will be backing off. I am worried it will **** her off and she will use the kids to get to me, but there isn't a d-mn thing I can do about it. I'm as terrified of her as they are.

Her plan for the puppy once school starts is to leave it locked in a kennel all day. She says that dogs are fine with this. I can't explain it but I almost feel like she got the puppy so she'd have something extra to rant about and be mean to. That's my intuition anyway.

I can't explain it. It was like there were all these red flags and clues, but I kept giving her the benefit of the doubt. And then the puppy thing happened, and a wide door of awareness opened for me...I will also add that her last dog had to be kenneled so often while she remodeled her house that it developed a stress related illness in its bowels, and my friend opted to have it put down because she didn't want to spend the money to try to save her. (This was after she dumped 300K into her house.)

DreamsofSerenity

I don't think you are capable of writing anything bad. You could write well with your toes on an ipad in a row boat.

Hammer

Yep.

A+ You is good. But then again, you had to live the game.

Basically Mrs. Hammer.

Hammer

Yeah.

You have the whole package down in just two paragraphs.

A+

Eve13

"Yes, I will try to have the kids over somehow without going head to head with her. She knows me, and knows why I will be backing off. I am worried it will **** her off and she will use the kids to get to me, but there isn't a d-mn thing I can do about it. I'm as terrified of her as they are."

Kid:kid friendship. Not the whole lot of them at once, then you are a free babysitter - yuck. The kids initiate the time together. "Oh, Joe wanted to play with John. Suzie isn't up for a play date today with Sally". Keeping a watchful distance you can have professionals intervene if the kids look like they are being abused/neglected. Glad your kids have a solid rock in their life.