quitforme79

is freaking harder than when I was drinking. Why? Because I have higher standards. And I expect more although I KNOW I am not supposed to expect ANYTHING. I am trying to keep in mind that I like someone who is also in recovery and that we still have skewed thinking and that we have to work harder than so called normies to keep things healthy. I tried to do the right thing and was not met with honesty. I also see my part in things which is denial that he was being dishonest and letting it go for longer than I should have. Do I give him another chance? God will hopefully let that be shown to me soon. Feeling sad tonight. And sorry for myself. Boo Still sober though and guess that makes it a better day than it feels.

Dee74

Relationships are hard for everyone I think - but I do think having one or both partners in recovery added an extra layer of complexity sometimes.

don't be afraid to take it slow - or to make decisions for your own good Quit

D

quitforme79

Thank you Dee You always know just what to say, especially the "make decisions for your own good". It's what I needed to hear.

MIRecovery

I believe that when we can take care of ourselves and feel confident in our recovery then we ready for a relationship. I have a hard time taking care of myself and it does cause problems in my relationships

quitforme79

Well said MIR. Good food for thought, thanks

Nuudawn

I had a discussion with my therapist about my desire for a new relationship. She was not supportive of new relationships in recovery (she's been 20 plus year sober). She was of the camp that one should have a year of sobriety first. I didn't much like her advice but for whatever reason I started thinking about the whole relationship thing. I know that my self esteem is pretty shaky and I know that some of my past relationships looked a little more like addiction/obsession than love....

I got to thinking about what I'm looking for in a relationship. I have always looked for this huge "connection" thing and I'm not sure I respect the space between you know? I'm not sure I am strong enough in myself to know where I end and he begins and be happy with the lovely space between. I want a partner but I kind of want to own and like myself first because I want to love our differences and cherish the places we come together. I want to keep some mystery..and not let it all hang out so to speak. I want to respect him as a human..not the reflection I might want to see in his eyes..

Geez..I think I got off on a tangent here. Your post is just sort of a timely one for me.

quitforme79

Thanks nuudawn I've heard the year rule but haven't followed it obviously. I speak with my sponser before getting into things & she guides me well. However being in a healthy relationship is only something I can learn by being in one. I don't think I will have all the answers by a year anyway lol What stinks right now is that I know this person is not so healthy for me but yet I am having a hard time breaking it off. I told him I need some time to think it over. Sobriety has taught me that I can do that & not make hasty decisions based on my emotions. Either way, I'll be okay, it's another lesson learned on getting through something sober! Always good to hear from you

LadyinBC

I have pretty well stayed out of any relationship right now. I have too much baggage to work thru and the last thing I want to worry about is someone elses.

Sounds like you are thinking this through and that's a good thing!

Threshold

I have no idea if this applies to your situation, but sometimes when I ask myself..."should I give them another chance?" What I am really asking is "should I give myself another chance to see if this time I can make myself be ok with a not good situation?"

Nuudawn

Ya..that sounds a little bit like "addiction"..no?

I am glad you are seeking the counsel of your sponsor etc...but please ensure you put yourself first in all of this. And by putting sobriety first...working your sobriety and figuring you out bit by bit...who you are, what you like, how to counsel yourself..I believe we can have healthier relationships...

I apologize if I am projecting my own stuff here...but I know that my alcohol problem is related to my relationship problem....

quitforme79

This is all awesome advice, I really am so so grateful for you guys! It does sound like an addiction more than a healthy relationship nuudawn. It was a fear I had this week but was kind of staying in denial over. I also think threshold hit the nail on the head. It's kind of like when I started to wonder if I had an alcohol problem... I was wondering for a good reason. And don't apologize nuudawn .... I really appreciate the insight. Apparently I still go for the "bad boy' even when I'm sober. Not all is lost though, this is the first red flag & I can gracefully exit without harm. I'd like to beat myself up over it but that's useless. It's all a learning process.