Computer question
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Central Ohio
Posts: 119
Computer question
My man has been sober 15 months. I'm extremely proud of him but some old hurts are haunting me and I don't know if it's my paranoia or if he's just who he is with or without alcohol.
When he was drinking there was the typical alcoholic issues , lying, staying out all night ect. He expects me to believe there were never other women, but how nieve would I have to be to believe that when there were many nights he wasn't in our bed.
Since sobriety there was an issue where he admitted checking out flirts he got on an online dating site he had from a period we were broken up. He never cancelled the profile and got some flirts in his regular e-mail and checked them out. He professed his regret & said he just checked out of curiousity.
This past week there were small things that peaked my radar and I checked his e-mail. There was a lot of what could be spam from sex chat sights and live web cam sex sights. Also "friend requests".
This sent me in a panic because he's never had spam from these sights before, and my logic tells me he would only get spam from these sights if he has visited them. I did check his computer history on his phone in the past and found porn sights, but those are different in my opinion. The "live chat/ web cam" things are often local people and more apt to lead to cheating. At least that's how I feel. Porn is normal for a man, and I put it up there with like a celebrity crush, unlikely he'll ever meet porn stars, so no threat to me.
So I guess my question is... Would he get e-mails from those sights even if he never visited them?
Thanks for listening.
When he was drinking there was the typical alcoholic issues , lying, staying out all night ect. He expects me to believe there were never other women, but how nieve would I have to be to believe that when there were many nights he wasn't in our bed.
Since sobriety there was an issue where he admitted checking out flirts he got on an online dating site he had from a period we were broken up. He never cancelled the profile and got some flirts in his regular e-mail and checked them out. He professed his regret & said he just checked out of curiousity.
This past week there were small things that peaked my radar and I checked his e-mail. There was a lot of what could be spam from sex chat sights and live web cam sex sights. Also "friend requests".
This sent me in a panic because he's never had spam from these sights before, and my logic tells me he would only get spam from these sights if he has visited them. I did check his computer history on his phone in the past and found porn sights, but those are different in my opinion. The "live chat/ web cam" things are often local people and more apt to lead to cheating. At least that's how I feel. Porn is normal for a man, and I put it up there with like a celebrity crush, unlikely he'll ever meet porn stars, so no threat to me.
So I guess my question is... Would he get e-mails from those sights even if he never visited them?
Thanks for listening.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 109
I'm a female who never goes to sites like that, and I get spam email from them all the time. Usually the sender is a random female name with no last name given. But anyway, yes, it is possible to get messages like that and never have been to the sites.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 71
It's possible to get spam like that without visiting those sites.
Spam targets everyone.
On a somewhat side note, trust your gut. If you have a rousing suspicion, don't ignore it. Don't overreact on it, but don't ignore it either.
Spam targets everyone.
On a somewhat side note, trust your gut. If you have a rousing suspicion, don't ignore it. Don't overreact on it, but don't ignore it either.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Central Ohio
Posts: 119
Thank you. And it's hard to trust my gut... It's hard to decipher if my gut is reacting to his past behavior, or current behavior. 90% of the time he's with me or at work. He's changed so much since sober. But the ghosts of the past are haunting me. I have other huge things I'm dealing with right now so I may be on overload. My only child graduated and moved out last month, we're living with my mom who has terminal cancer and she's starting to really go down hill, he was laid off a couple weeks and I work full time at the same place, work is very slow... Just too much I think. I don't know if I'm coming or going.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
I had to deal with this type of thing.
Listen, forget about looking on his computer. If he wants to visit those kinds of sites, he is going to.
Look for honesty in his eyes and his heart, not on his computer, which will drive you insane, btdt.
There is no way to control what men see on the computer. There are a thousand work arounds to hide it. It's a lost battle for those that would prefer their SO kept their eyes on the prize and want to try to control the outcome.
He either will or he won't, and there's no point in driving yourself crazy thinking about it. I did for YEARS.
What you can do is pay attention to how he is talking to you, what affection is there, what future plans are there, and are you protecting yourself from bs? Is your internal meter strong? if not, that's where you need to work. What is really happening between the two of you, today, tonight, convos this week. How are the vibes? How is the sincerity to building a future?
I would try to let go of the outcome of his computer experiences for now, you have enough real stuff on your plate, like where you are living and taking care of your mom..real stuff! Focus on that, let the rest go for now. Later you can focus on that stuff if you feel something is off or amiss. I feel badly for you if you add more stress to your life while all this real stuff is going on.
Sometimes we have to tell ourselves I have enough already! I don't need to tackle the world today!
It's a way of being kind to yourself.
Listen, forget about looking on his computer. If he wants to visit those kinds of sites, he is going to.
Look for honesty in his eyes and his heart, not on his computer, which will drive you insane, btdt.
There is no way to control what men see on the computer. There are a thousand work arounds to hide it. It's a lost battle for those that would prefer their SO kept their eyes on the prize and want to try to control the outcome.
He either will or he won't, and there's no point in driving yourself crazy thinking about it. I did for YEARS.
What you can do is pay attention to how he is talking to you, what affection is there, what future plans are there, and are you protecting yourself from bs? Is your internal meter strong? if not, that's where you need to work. What is really happening between the two of you, today, tonight, convos this week. How are the vibes? How is the sincerity to building a future?
I would try to let go of the outcome of his computer experiences for now, you have enough real stuff on your plate, like where you are living and taking care of your mom..real stuff! Focus on that, let the rest go for now. Later you can focus on that stuff if you feel something is off or amiss. I feel badly for you if you add more stress to your life while all this real stuff is going on.
Sometimes we have to tell ourselves I have enough already! I don't need to tackle the world today!
It's a way of being kind to yourself.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
ya know, i get that desire/urge to check...but let's switch it around for a sec...what if HE got suspicious of you...would you be ok with HIM checking into your computer, your history, your email, your phone logs???
with all the stress you are under, i suspect this was more of a side trip or diversion...you have so many things going on right now, child leaving the nest, aging ill parent in decline, financial uncertainty....doing all that detective work may have felt like something you could control or DO something about. FIND an answer when there just aren't any.
give yourself a break and STOP. he's going to do what he's going to do and all the searching and snooping and personal torment in the world won't stop him. you gotta let that be. put it down. get back in to today...
with all the stress you are under, i suspect this was more of a side trip or diversion...you have so many things going on right now, child leaving the nest, aging ill parent in decline, financial uncertainty....doing all that detective work may have felt like something you could control or DO something about. FIND an answer when there just aren't any.
give yourself a break and STOP. he's going to do what he's going to do and all the searching and snooping and personal torment in the world won't stop him. you gotta let that be. put it down. get back in to today...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
womaninprogress,
You sound very stressed out WIP.
Take off your detective cap and leave that alone.
Take care of you, you have so much going on (as everyone mentioned).
that this might have seemed like a good idea to distract yourself (anvil
).
It just added to your other concerns. Look after your mother as best as you can,
and be supportive of his sobriety, but that is his work and business.
Have you been to AlAnon?
I think you would get so much from the group support for all of your issues.
Being in the fellowship would be good healthy friends, who have been where you are
and are able to really help you now.
Beth
edited to add, I have gotten spam like that, and I have no idea what connects me to them.
maybe one of the geek sites think I am a teenage boy?
:rotfxko
You sound very stressed out WIP.
Take off your detective cap and leave that alone.
Take care of you, you have so much going on (as everyone mentioned).
that this might have seemed like a good idea to distract yourself (anvil
).It just added to your other concerns. Look after your mother as best as you can,
and be supportive of his sobriety, but that is his work and business.
Have you been to AlAnon?
I think you would get so much from the group support for all of your issues.
Being in the fellowship would be good healthy friends, who have been where you are
and are able to really help you now.
Beth
edited to add, I have gotten spam like that, and I have no idea what connects me to them.
maybe one of the geek sites think I am a teenage boy?
:rotfxko
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: New England
Posts: 350
Are there any caregiver support groups where your mom is being treated? (I'm so sorry you are going through that, WIP. That is a hard journey.)
Pretty much any place that you can get support right now would be good. FWIW, I had an incredibly hard time backing off the snooping when my husband had an affair, especially because he lied straight to my face repeatedly. But I became far more sane when I did back off. As BlueSkies and Anvilhead say, he will do whatever he will do. Ultimately you cannot control it. You have enough balls in the air right now - let that one fall. I promise that it will be hard but you WILL feel better. Not right away, but you will get there.
I get those spam emails, too. Definitely not cause I go to those sites!!
Pretty much any place that you can get support right now would be good. FWIW, I had an incredibly hard time backing off the snooping when my husband had an affair, especially because he lied straight to my face repeatedly. But I became far more sane when I did back off. As BlueSkies and Anvilhead say, he will do whatever he will do. Ultimately you cannot control it. You have enough balls in the air right now - let that one fall. I promise that it will be hard but you WILL feel better. Not right away, but you will get there.
I get those spam emails, too. Definitely not cause I go to those sites!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Central Ohio
Posts: 119
You're all so right, and I wen down this road six months ago and decided I wouldn't decide anything until this chapter of getting my kid thru school and my mom cared for. And maybe I am just looking for some sort of "control" in this caos that my life is. He is kind, and affectionate and supportive. I guess I'm the only one being a jerk in this instance.
Thank you all for your kind words and helping me find my way.
And I would have no problem with him looking they my computer, my phone, my diary, my soul.... I love him.
Thank you all for your kind words and helping me find my way.
And I would have no problem with him looking they my computer, my phone, my diary, my soul.... I love him.
Last edited by womaninprogress; 07-15-2013 at 07:44 PM. Reason: Add
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Porn is normal for a man
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
There is no way to control what men see on the computer. There are a thousand work arounds to hide it. It's a lost battle for those that would prefer their SO kept their eyes on the prize and want to try to control the outcome.
I'm a big believer in "more will be revealed." If he's not being straight with you, with time you will know it. In the meantime, if *not* snooping will drive you nuts, that's a great sign that this relationship has turned over and isn't worth pursuing further.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 136
No, porn is not normal because it is another addiction & he is breaking his commitment with you. If your gut is telling you something is up follow that instinct. If you have access to his computer get something called a "key logger". This tracks key strokes giving you passwords so you can check his websites and emails. Do not do this on a work computer--only his personal one. Please follow your gut.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Central Ohio
Posts: 119
I`ve thought about the changing one addiction for another....drinking to porn.... i think right now, i am going to focus on me and my Mom and wait to see what is revealed.
I think a part of my problem is....IF he is participating in the sex chat and whatnot i was viewing it as a reflection on me, when in fact it's a reflection of his character. It's not because of my shortcomings. I was feeling bad about myself...like i'm not enough....reverted back to how i felt when the bottle was his mistress.
Thank you all for your time.
I think a part of my problem is....IF he is participating in the sex chat and whatnot i was viewing it as a reflection on me, when in fact it's a reflection of his character. It's not because of my shortcomings. I was feeling bad about myself...like i'm not enough....reverted back to how i felt when the bottle was his mistress.
Thank you all for your time.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by Flicka57 
No, porn is not normal because it is another addiction & he is breaking his commitment with you. If your gut is telling you something is up follow that instinct. If you have access to his computer get something called a "key logger". This tracks key strokes giving you passwords so you can check his websites and emails. Do not do this on a work computer--only his personal one. Please follow your gut.
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