theseithakas

I feel like a fool.

After sixty days of sobriety, ABF confessed to me that he drank at his cousin's wedding this weekend.

You know, I don't know why I'm surprised. I met him when he was in a period of drinking again, but prior to that, he had been sober for four years. Since he decided to stop drinking again about a year ago, it's been a rocky ride. Sixty days here, ten months there, another sixty days...

I've learned a lot from the work I've been doing on myself though, I suppose. I didn't cry or get upset or yell. I just sort of stared at him and then tried to go about my business and continue eating dinner. He started to talk about really doing it this time, and I couldn't help myself - I said something about how very little he had done in the past year has shown me that he actually actively wants to stop drinking and is going to work towards that. Probably should have just left that alone. He got angry and stormed off, but I won't apologize for that comment - maybe I shouldn't have said it, but it's true. He calmed down and later asked me if I had been considering leaving him because of all this. Again, I just stared at him. He followed that up with "Of course you have." No sh*t. Of course I have.

It's funny, I'm smart enough to know objectively that alcoholics are the same in many ways. But smarts don't keep us from thinking "My A is different," or "Our situation is different," or "This time it will be different." In my heart of hearts, I really believed that this time would be different. He was actually going to AA regularly. Like that makes a difference if a person isn't really ready to work the program.

SR and the other resources I've been using have taught me so much through all of this. The night that he drank, I was at a wedding of my own where I was a bridesmaid. I hadn't heard from him in a couple of hours, and instead of getting upset and freaking out about where he was and what he was doing, I simply turned off my phone, reminded myself that he was going to do what he was going to do, whatever that was, and went off to enjoy the after party with some of my best friends. I don't know if I would have been able to do that a few months ago.

I know I don't reply to a lot of threads. I read all of them, but everyone here is so wise and has so much experience with this, and I feel like I'm still inexperienced and learning. I have no idea what's going to happen next in my life, but I have a lot of faith that I will continue to find support here and elsewhere and have the strength to take on whatever will be.

DreamsofSerenity

You sound like you are doing really well to me! You've made big improvements, and it seems like your abf knows it.

sadielady

I agree with Dreams! We're all learning, but don't downplay how much you've learned already. This sounds like a really healthy approach. Keep coming here, get some space in your day to do things that care for yourself as this must be emotionally exhausting, and really give yourself a chance to think through what you want to do next. Hugs to you.

Tuffgirl

Theseithakas, I think you're far more wise than you give yourself credit for.

And none of us know what is going to happen next in our lives. Having faith is all we can do. Knowing this makes you very wise indeed.

I hope you continue posting and sharing your experience, strength, and faith!

27cougar

I love that you didn't freak out when you hadn't heard from him that night and just went ahead and enjoyed yourself. That is very healthy! Good for you, this is a tough road we are all on. Hang in there!

LexieCat

You're NOT a fool. You knew what might happen, you hoped that it wouldn't. It's impossible to predict someone else's timeline.

I agree that you have been doing a great job--especially at the wedding. That is HUGE progress.

And none of us here is an "expert" except through our own experience. Don't let that hold you back from posting, or giving support to others! At my AA meetings I often hear some of the best things from newcomers. And newer members here are the ones who are closest to the situation people are in when they first come in here. You have a LOT to offer.

Hang in there--you're doing great. Things will gradually keep becoming clearer.

theseithakas

I appreciate everyone's kind words. It's been a looongg week - this, coupled with the admission on ABF's part that he was drinking behind my back during periods when he was nominally sober. He seemed shocked that I wasn't surprised by that revelation. And sure, when I've smelled alcohol on him in the past year, I've put it to the side or just decided not to engage. A part of you WANTS to believe what you're being told. Nonetheless, I'm not oblivious, and alcohol really does have a very distinctive smell...

In any event, again, I really appreciate this community more than I can say. I'm going to make a concerted effort to put myself out there more in other threads. Thanks again all and love all around.

bigbasscat

All of use have been through the bolded in our relationships with our A's.

My AGF told me that the empty vodka bottle that was on the living room coffee table when I came home from work was one she "found" empty...

If she wasn't flat assed passed out on the couch too, it might have been a easier sell.

spiderqueen

I have actually used DOT (Dept of Transportation) alcohol swabs on my ABF to confirm his drinking (because of an underlying neurological issue that could have been to blame for some of the symptoms -slurred speech, etc.) and they would come up instantly positive, he would deny it, and I would assume the strip was bad. DUH. But that's how badly we want to believe them, and continue to hope for change.