Feeling codependent again

Old 07-13-2013, 01:17 AM
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Feeling codependent again

So my XH returned from overseas & is now living in my hometown. He wants to have the children for the entire school holidays. I have to work them anyway so it is fine with me & the kids want to go.
Here's the thing.
After having the kids 24/7 for the past 21/2 years I thought that 2 weeks off kids would be a great opportunity to spend some quality time with RABF as we have had very little together due to the situation.
I was excited & happy that this break was finally happening.
Then something came up.
RABF lives with his elderly mother & she has invited family members to stay over the holidays. She is 85. This now means that RABF will have to spend time with family as she can't be expected to do it.
I felt really disappointed that I'd finally got this break with him only to have it taken away.
I reacted to this.
The reality is I will still get to have time with him but I have been feeling really low at the change of plans.
We talked about it tonight & he called me a martyr.
That's when I realised my co-dependency had kicked in.
When he left I had a soak in the bath & started to read codependency no more again.
My question is this:
Was it ok for me to feel disappointed?
Was my co-dependency putting expectations on my relationship that when I was finally free of kids my RABF would go out of his way to spend this quality time with me?
Are my expectations too high?
Did the disappointment hurl me back to co-dependency?
I felt like I couldn't pull myself out of how I felt.
I feel a little better now after re-reading some of the book.
How can I put this behind me & go on to spend some time with RABF without feeling let down?
Input appreciated.
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Old 07-13-2013, 06:32 AM
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I kinda think your expectations were a little unreasonable, here. If I am reading this right, you got some unexpected free time, and made plans in your head before you had consulted him. He had no reason to know of your plans, and made plans of his own--a commitment to his mom to help her with her company. I think it's a little unreasonable for you to expect him to BREAK a commitment he had already made, to spend time with you when he had no reason to know you would even have this time available. KWIM?

I don't know that it's "co-dependency" so much as just having an unrealistic expectation. Actually, I think the fact that he is keeping his commitment to his mom is a sign that he has made progress in his sobriety.

If I were you, I'd find some other nice things to do during your unstructured time off, spend a little time with him when you can, and work on accepting that he has a life of his own, too.
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Old 07-13-2013, 12:53 PM
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so....YOU get a full two week kid free break, knowing they are in good hands and you're complainin"???? I don't mean that harshly....but gosh sister, ENJOY IT! enjoy the quiet, the peace, the lack of short mess makers, less dishes, less laundry, less shuttling to and fro, SLEEP.

your bf is being very responsible and taking care of his elderly mother....I can hardly think of two better traits in a person. quite admirable, nice alignment of priorities and all that.

is there something about being on your own that makes you uncomfortable? uneasy?
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Old 07-13-2013, 02:24 PM
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Thanks guys.
We had decided to spend time together & he knew nothing of the plans of family coming over, it was sprung on him.
It sounds like this is my problem & I will deal with it.
I was disappointed that was all.
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Old 07-13-2013, 02:29 PM
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Oh, OK, well, here's the thing. He won't be able to do things for his mom for that many more years. If he were going camping with his buddies that might be a little different.

Try to make the best of it--I think you'll be glad later that you did.
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Old 07-13-2013, 05:23 PM
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I've told him I'll see him on Thursday for his birthday.
I feel sick with co-dependency anyway.
Don't know what's wrong with me & don't wish to put it on anyone else.
I'll take the time to work my recovery.
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Old 07-14-2013, 05:57 AM
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I think this happens when we don't have a better choice lined up.

I would ask myself if at the same time this was happening you had been invited to do some activity you had always dreamed of by some group would you still feel the same?

For me if I had won a prize to spend all day jetting around to sit in on interviews with Beyonce, George Clooney, Mel B,Simon Cowell, and Paul Newman!

Or to wake up and know some fab group were entertaining you for breakfast in the Eiffel Tower Paris, and then lunch at the Ritz in London and then a boat trip on the Nile for dinner -all with people you have had no bad history with , who adored you and were interested in every word you said, would you still think you could have had a good time with him?
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Old 07-14-2013, 05:29 PM
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Originally Posted by Rosiepetal View Post
I've told him I'll see him on Thursday for his birthday.
I feel sick with co-dependency anyway.
Don't know what's wrong with me & don't wish to put it on anyone else.
I'll take the time to work my recovery.
This post sounds very sad to me. Don't get down on yourself. You have more strength than you think you do.

Gentle hugs.
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Old 07-14-2013, 05:34 PM
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Rosie

I think it was absolutely OK for you to feel disappointed. It's a perfectly normal thing to feel under the circumstances.

Mr. HG and I visited my folks and my sister recently. I always look forward to these trips because my family lives several states away, and we only get to see them 1 or 2 times a year.

The day after we arrived, my sister announced that she was leaving town and would be gone the remainder of our stay. You see, she found out a friend of hers was dying--imminently--and this might be the last chance she would have for a visit.

I was disappointed that I would not get to visit with her because we don't have a chance to see each other that often. I don't think it was codependent of me to feel that way, either. If, however, I talked to her and tried to make her feel bad for leaving or to change her plans, well, then that would have been a whole different story. That would have been manipulative and controlling on my part.

I wished her safe travels and told her I would pray for her friend.

I hope you have been thinking about and planning some other fun things you can do during the coming 2 weeks! What would you like to do?
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Old 07-14-2013, 05:35 PM
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I have been feeling sad.
What did I do to feel better?
I scrubbed out my bathroom & its now spotless. Been wanting to do that for ages.
The XH took the childrens bedding back (not that he asked me to store it) so I finally had space in my closet so I rearranged that.
Then I did a 40 min stretch class with meditation at the end.
Hot shower, hot soup & a good movie.
It did help.
Still feeling not quite right but it's a start & I am going to continue to work on myself until I bounce back.
Thanks for your support SR friends.
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