Pulled the plug....FINALLY
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: The beautiful Midwest
Posts: 202
Pulled the plug....FINALLY
I need to report that I have finally pulled the plug on my dead-end relationship with the ABF of nearly 8 years. Things have been bad since Christmas, then worse at Easter, progressing until 4th of July weekend. Not just his drinking, but MY attitude, MY disappointments, MY depression and health, my focus on him instead of me. Sunday the 7th, I finally got the courage to be vocal about how I felt about our relationship and that even though I loved him dearly, I was throwing in the towel because I had not been happy in a long time. I made the conversation short and to the point....no yelling.....just stated the facts. I asked him to start looking for somewhere else to live.
Since that time, I have reinforced my determination and hoping to speed up his exit by bringing home boxes and bubble wrap from work and trying to be as pleasant about it as I can. Believe it or not, he must feel the same because there have been no harsh words and he has even talked to me about his plans. We are packing his things together and actually getting along better than we have in a long time. there is communication and a calmness that I had forgotten could exist between us. He knew it was over too....and neither of us had been happy in quite some time. At least now he is working and able to take care of himself (that takes away some of my codie-guilt over kicking him out) He should be totally out by the end of next week. I am happy for him, but even so more happier for ME! Also, knowing that we will be able to share our dog without it being a catastrophe is such a relief.
I have began my healing process with therapy, reading and getting in better health. I have ordered a few books and am re-reading Co-Dependent No More. I have found that Melody Beatty's book MUST have been written exactly for me. LOL I am amazed at what I am reading and how it applies directly to ME. I plan on taking at least a year off to work totally on me.....and will be working on me for the rest of my life.
Sorry to ramble, but my friends here have been such an inspiration to me and I appreciate being able to lurk and only read if I want, or actively participate in conversations. I will continue to read and post here...... I want to say to those who are struggling with making a decision..... YOU WILL KNOW when you are through. I don't know how else to explain it. It can't be gauged or measured how much a person will put up with until they are done..... you will just KNOW.... All these years I "thought" I knew... but now I have no doubt about my decision. I almost feel like my higher power is guiding me through all of this. Thanks for listening to me.
If any other Codie's have suggestions for books, videos or any other materials that might aid me in loving myself again, please share. I already have discovered that I am worth it
Since that time, I have reinforced my determination and hoping to speed up his exit by bringing home boxes and bubble wrap from work and trying to be as pleasant about it as I can. Believe it or not, he must feel the same because there have been no harsh words and he has even talked to me about his plans. We are packing his things together and actually getting along better than we have in a long time. there is communication and a calmness that I had forgotten could exist between us. He knew it was over too....and neither of us had been happy in quite some time. At least now he is working and able to take care of himself (that takes away some of my codie-guilt over kicking him out) He should be totally out by the end of next week. I am happy for him, but even so more happier for ME! Also, knowing that we will be able to share our dog without it being a catastrophe is such a relief.
I have began my healing process with therapy, reading and getting in better health. I have ordered a few books and am re-reading Co-Dependent No More. I have found that Melody Beatty's book MUST have been written exactly for me. LOL I am amazed at what I am reading and how it applies directly to ME. I plan on taking at least a year off to work totally on me.....and will be working on me for the rest of my life.
Sorry to ramble, but my friends here have been such an inspiration to me and I appreciate being able to lurk and only read if I want, or actively participate in conversations. I will continue to read and post here...... I want to say to those who are struggling with making a decision..... YOU WILL KNOW when you are through. I don't know how else to explain it. It can't be gauged or measured how much a person will put up with until they are done..... you will just KNOW.... All these years I "thought" I knew... but now I have no doubt about my decision. I almost feel like my higher power is guiding me through all of this. Thanks for listening to me.
If any other Codie's have suggestions for books, videos or any other materials that might aid me in loving myself again, please share. I already have discovered that I am worth it
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by NeedHappiness 
Sorry to ramble, but my friends here have been such an inspiration to me and I appreciate being able to lurk and only read if I want, or actively participate in conversations. I will continue to read and post here...... I want to say to those who are struggling with making a decision..... YOU WILL KNOW when you are through. I don't know how else to explain it. It can't be gauged or measured how much a person will put up with until they are done..... you will just KNOW.... All these years I "thought" I knew... but now I have no doubt about my decision. I almost feel like my higher power is guiding me through all of this. Thanks for listening to me.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 565
It's so encouraging to hear that you finally got fed up with YOUR attitude, depression, disappointment - and that's how you knew you were done. It's hard to take the focus off them, and their behavior, but I think that's the way out... Good luck.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: The beautiful Midwest
Posts: 202
So just a little update...... XABF is due to be OUT of the house tomorrow (Friday) All has gone well up until today....of course the drinking ispicking back up, now that he knows I am very serious. Anyway, for the past 2 weeks I have been bringing home boxes and trying to be helpful (for the last time) He has packed all his things in the house and moved most all of it. He gathered all his tools from the shed this week and was "supposed" to be getting a trailer from his brother to get it all moved. As of last night, that hadn't happened. He was drinking when I got home and when I asked what he did all day, he replied, "helping the neighbor work on his truck".....ok, so now I am thinking, WHY havent you held up your end of the bargain and gotten your things out? Oh, I know...... alcoholics never hold up to THEIR end of the bargain! Especially if they really don't want to do something to begin with!
Anyway, I made it clear to him last night that when I get home from work on Friday, I will be collecting my house keys at that time. I said I do NOT want to deal with this when I get home on Sunday (going to family party out of town) So then he has the nerve to say "you are seeing someone else arent you?" WTH? I was more honked off at the question than anything. The thought went thru my mind to say "that's none of your damn business" but I opted the higher road and said NO! That's the last thing on my mind right now. I was truly hoping that I could keep things peaceful..... but today he has started texting me, trying to contact my girlfriends (who won't answer) and giving me his "help me" texts........... oh poor baby! Right now I just want to puke! I have tried to help him for nearly 8 years and now I am ONLY helping ME!!! ME!!
Like I said, when you've reached the point where being miserable supercedes ANY happy moment, its time for change.
Honestly, I am dreading tonight and tomorrow when I get home because I fear he will still be there! I don't understand how someone can stick around this long after they've been told its over! I know I know, I have LET him stay there......but I wanted to be fair and I didn't want to hamper any future arrangements about sharing our dog. NOw I'm wondering if just kicking him out and making him leave at that time wouldn't have been the better of the two evils. I know in my heart, he has stayed for 2 reasons 1) He has NO WHERE to go! He has exhausted staying with any of his friends becasue they have been down this road with him before 2) he thought I would change my mind. He thought if he just quit drinking for the past 2 weeks and tried to mind his manners and pull at my heart strings just a little bit, that I would fold. I have NOT folded and actually am more determined than at first. I have busied myself with friends and other things and that has helped me tremendously.
I really hope things don't get all sappy tonight...... I really just want this over with and want him OUT!
Anyway, I made it clear to him last night that when I get home from work on Friday, I will be collecting my house keys at that time. I said I do NOT want to deal with this when I get home on Sunday (going to family party out of town) So then he has the nerve to say "you are seeing someone else arent you?" WTH? I was more honked off at the question than anything. The thought went thru my mind to say "that's none of your damn business" but I opted the higher road and said NO! That's the last thing on my mind right now. I was truly hoping that I could keep things peaceful..... but today he has started texting me, trying to contact my girlfriends (who won't answer) and giving me his "help me" texts........... oh poor baby! Right now I just want to puke! I have tried to help him for nearly 8 years and now I am ONLY helping ME!!! ME!!
Like I said, when you've reached the point where being miserable supercedes ANY happy moment, its time for change.
Honestly, I am dreading tonight and tomorrow when I get home because I fear he will still be there! I don't understand how someone can stick around this long after they've been told its over! I know I know, I have LET him stay there......but I wanted to be fair and I didn't want to hamper any future arrangements about sharing our dog. NOw I'm wondering if just kicking him out and making him leave at that time wouldn't have been the better of the two evils. I know in my heart, he has stayed for 2 reasons 1) He has NO WHERE to go! He has exhausted staying with any of his friends becasue they have been down this road with him before 2) he thought I would change my mind. He thought if he just quit drinking for the past 2 weeks and tried to mind his manners and pull at my heart strings just a little bit, that I would fold. I have NOT folded and actually am more determined than at first. I have busied myself with friends and other things and that has helped me tremendously.
I really hope things don't get all sappy tonight...... I really just want this over with and want him OUT!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Oh boy, here comes the academy award winning performance........
If it were me I would be staying at a friend or relatives until after he is out of the home.
All the years I said "no more" and ALLOWED him to stay, sends a mixed signal. So I know XA never believed me when I said I am done.
And of course, they have that special way of promising the moon, and promising things are really going to be different THIS time.
And they always find somewhere to go, where did he live before you? People can be very resourceful when they need to be.
He is an adult, he can figure it out.
Keep your focus, and stay strong, my friend.
If it were me I would be staying at a friend or relatives until after he is out of the home.
All the years I said "no more" and ALLOWED him to stay, sends a mixed signal. So I know XA never believed me when I said I am done.
And of course, they have that special way of promising the moon, and promising things are really going to be different THIS time.
And they always find somewhere to go, where did he live before you? People can be very resourceful when they need to be.
He is an adult, he can figure it out.
Keep your focus, and stay strong, my friend.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
Do you own your place? If you rent, is he on the lease? If he's not on any paperwork, then you can have him removed if he doesn't keep his word and respect your boundary. I would also suggest changing your locks when he's out. Just because he gives you a key back, doesn't mean he didn't make a copy.
The A is a very resourceful creature, don't get sucked into the "I have no where to go" story. They always figure it out, but he won't if he can keep you in the mix.
Good Luck tomorrow.
The A is a very resourceful creature, don't get sucked into the "I have no where to go" story. They always figure it out, but he won't if he can keep you in the mix.
Good Luck tomorrow.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
When I first broke things off with my XABF I told him he could stay until the end of the month. Big mistake. Within two days I was being barraged with horrible text messages, voice mails, emails, social networking comments. Then he started in with the "Who are you seeing" stuff. It's terrifying and ridiculous how close these things stick to the blueprint. Then he knocked over my Christmas tree and I told him enough was enough. He had to go immediately.
I know it's so hard to understand why they would even WANT to stay, but yeah, I had the same nonsense. He hit me with every sob story in the book -- he had no friends, nowhere else to go, couldn't afford a hotel. He cried and told me he realized how awful he had been (all the while implying that I, in reality, deserved it). He asked for hugs. Ha. Then, when he realized I was serious and I was done, he asked if he could keep the presents he knew I had already bought him for Christmas. Some shoes or something. Not that I needed affirmation, but if that didn't make it clear what was REALLY important to him, I don't know what would have!
In the end I had to inform him that if he didn't leave of his own accord either the police or every big burly guy I ever met was going to escort him out physically. Truth be told I wasn't sure I could make either of those things actually happen, but I got myself and my dog out of the house, and the next day, he was gone.
My XABF didn't want to stay because he cared about me or because he was invested in the relationship. He was invested in having a nice place to stay and someone who paid for groceries and all those other pesky things, leaving him to spend all his cash on booze and pot.
Oof. This reply went off the rails fast, hunh? Anyway, I hope this goes smoothly for you. He will throw everything he can at you to keep you hooked in. Stay strong!!!
I know it's so hard to understand why they would even WANT to stay, but yeah, I had the same nonsense. He hit me with every sob story in the book -- he had no friends, nowhere else to go, couldn't afford a hotel. He cried and told me he realized how awful he had been (all the while implying that I, in reality, deserved it). He asked for hugs. Ha. Then, when he realized I was serious and I was done, he asked if he could keep the presents he knew I had already bought him for Christmas. Some shoes or something. Not that I needed affirmation, but if that didn't make it clear what was REALLY important to him, I don't know what would have!
In the end I had to inform him that if he didn't leave of his own accord either the police or every big burly guy I ever met was going to escort him out physically. Truth be told I wasn't sure I could make either of those things actually happen, but I got myself and my dog out of the house, and the next day, he was gone.
My XABF didn't want to stay because he cared about me or because he was invested in the relationship. He was invested in having a nice place to stay and someone who paid for groceries and all those other pesky things, leaving him to spend all his cash on booze and pot.
Oof. This reply went off the rails fast, hunh? Anyway, I hope this goes smoothly for you. He will throw everything he can at you to keep you hooked in. Stay strong!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: The beautiful Midwest
Posts: 202
Sparkle..... omg.... everything you just said above has happened to me, with the exception of the Christmas tree! Last night I got the crying and I'm sorry's, then the wanting to hug....and THEN he had the nerve to think we would have one last romp in the hay (which disgusted me at him thinking that was okay) we have NOT rolled in the hay for almost 2 years !! Why would I want to now? UGH
I do believe he loves me, but I believe stronger that I am his security..... I've made the mistake of babying and mommying him... and I am paying the price now.
This is such a SAD SAD disease!! So many of us with good intentions of wanting to help our loved ones, but the disease reigns stronger than us.
I do believe he loves me, but I believe stronger that I am his security..... I've made the mistake of babying and mommying him... and I am paying the price now.
This is such a SAD SAD disease!! So many of us with good intentions of wanting to help our loved ones, but the disease reigns stronger than us.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: The beautiful Midwest
Posts: 202
Well, He is gone as of Friday evening.!!!! WOOP WOOOP
HAve been thru some tearful moments over the weekend, but overall am VERY RELIEVED!
Spent the day yesterday cleaning and rearranging the bedroom andliving room. Fresh start with a better attitude.
Hopefully I won't have any problems with XABF over our dog. I have her right now. In a perfect situation, he would just go on his merry way and leave us alone, but I know he will be wanting to see her after he settles in somewhere..... OR WHEN he realizes that our relationship will NEVER-BE again....he will use the dog as his only "tool" against me.
Oh well, I will deal with that as the time comes. JUST SO HAPPY TO BE FREE AGAIN!!!
Now.....I have a LOT of work to do on me.........
HAve been thru some tearful moments over the weekend, but overall am VERY RELIEVED!
Spent the day yesterday cleaning and rearranging the bedroom andliving room. Fresh start with a better attitude.
Hopefully I won't have any problems with XABF over our dog. I have her right now. In a perfect situation, he would just go on his merry way and leave us alone, but I know he will be wanting to see her after he settles in somewhere..... OR WHEN he realizes that our relationship will NEVER-BE again....he will use the dog as his only "tool" against me.
Oh well, I will deal with that as the time comes. JUST SO HAPPY TO BE FREE AGAIN!!!
Now.....I have a LOT of work to do on me.........
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
