kelleyt

I'm still a disaster in my head .. I'm divorced for almost 3 weeks but I feel like I'm still married I still love my herein addicted husband !! What is wrong with me he left me with nothing and still I want him still wish he would change !!! It's so sick .. I'm trying to put my life together I want to go back to school I'm trying to be a better mother, person help other addicts/ that want recovery going to meetings, getting up going to work even tho I'm dying inside and want to cry and scream and ask god why why?? He is fine could careless has money dope, no bills food and here Iam staying clean trying to keep my house for my kids that he could careless about doesn't even ask about them I guess he figures well there not mine !! He blames me for the marriage not working that I kept him from his mom and his daughter that I was always miserable and all I wanted to do was fight !! I guess cause I wouldn't pretend he was shooting dope who wouldn't be unhappy ? I still think he is in love with kids mother that I was just used to get back at her I'm crazy with these thoughts I feel like an ass please help me will I ever be ok I just feel like giving up !! I have to start over at 37 with nothing I feel bad for my kids I feel like I let them down and myself I was so stupid I should have known better

jewel14

You can't beat yourself up for the past... You can only change what you do from this day forward... I am starting over as well just turned 39, it's hard to be a single mom but being a good single mom is better than living like that any day... Stay busy do things that are fun for you and kids.. Be around good people... It gets better you may always love him but time will help make it not so hard...

interrupted

Three weeks is not very long at all, I think it's perfectly normal for you to still feel grief at your loss. Keep focusing on yourself and your kids, you will get through this, but it doesn't happen overnight.

You didn't let your kids down - exactly the opposite - you did what was best for them! You put their health and well being first even though it hurt to make that decision. In my book that makes you a hero. As an adult child of alcoholic/addicted parents, I wish that I had a parent that was as strong and capable as you are. One day at a time, the worst is behind you now.

kelleyt

Thanks for the replies!! Just don't want feel this and I have nothing to num it !! I know if I do it won't work anyway !! I'm trying to trust god but I feel so lost like he will end up happy and clean and meet someone else and I will be alone forever !! I know he is using but it doesn't make it any easier. Cause I know that this doesn't even bother him !! I want to scream and cry everyday at work I'm in such a mess I don't see a light at the end !! I know I wasn't perfect either I have said alot if hateful things to him cause I'm so hurt and devastated !! This is what junkies do right ? Just move on his mother must be thrilled and his kids mother now they can act and blame me for everything like they always do .. No one gets that he is shooting dope that's the problem they act like there's nothing wrong !! I couldn't do it I couldn't pretend that everything was fine I'm sober almost 14 years and i couldn't be with someone who kept relapsing and lying about it when I new the truth .. Will he ever be sorry will he ever realize that he hurt me more than anyone ever could ? I know it shouldn't matter but to me it does I want him to be someone he is not I guess !! I have to look at the truth he is on dope !! I always think who would want me if a dope head doesn't like really how low can I possible go ? I'm jousting venting I have to I know I'm feeling sorry for myself I just need some hope that I will have a good life and my kids will be ok ! My daughter was with him since she was 4 !! He doesn't care about her he is upset about his daughter not talking to him but since his mother is like his wife/girlfriend I'm sure she will invite the kids mother and kids over to celebrate that we are divorced !! I always wondered if he still loved his kids mother instead of me!! I'm a mess but thanks for letting me go on and on

Wing

U are not alone. I'm going through the same...

Everybody told me its not possible but I'm just imagining he will get clean and find a new partner and they live happily ever after. And thus, he could go on saying I'm the one who has issue, not him. Till now, he still says that I got crazy and fxxked up the relationship.., ignore the fact the he butted me with his cocaine addiction and alcoholic problem.

And same as u, I keep being angry and wonder if he could wake up and realize how much he hurt me...

U and me know that we should just let go and move on... But it's hard... I'm in pain and hell... I'm taking it one day at a time. Trying to reach religion and etc.., I dunno when it will be healed.

I remember someone in this forum said, she rather take a year being unhappy to get the health and happiness in the rest of life.

kelleyt

Yes I read that too !! I know that I have to change my thinking and on need to focus on god !! But it's so hard !! I'm trying then I just keep listening to the stuff in my head I need a miracle !! I don't see how god will straighten me out I try to believe that he will take care of me just like he did with drugs but now I'm addicted to him !! I've wasted so much time and energy in this and I want to put all that into myself and kids but I'm drained I'm sad lonely and afraid !! That's the truth I'm like I don't know what is right or wrong anymore I can't even make a decision and stuck to it !! He told me that it would never work cause when he was clean all we did was fight yes because he still never gave it his all and I new in my heart he wouldn't stay clean but I wanted to have hope plus he was my husband I didn't want it to be over but he wasn't even trying never fought for it or me !! So I'm thinking there's something wrong with me that I'm not good enough or as pretty as his kids mother or now as rich since he left me with no money and a house that I can't afford he says I did it to my self he didn't ruin my credit I put everything I had in that house he was supposed to help me pay all the credit cards back never did !! But in his mind he did he gave me money !! Even if he did get clean he still believes that he is right !! He will never know the truth till he does step work !! Thanks for sharing with me !!

Wing

I understand dear. I wish it's easier... And I know it's even harder for u coz he was your husband. I also wish to have a miracle pill that could help him forget about him immediately or if there's a fast forward button which help me get through this. But the reality is that we have to work on it to get our inner peace.

Even if your husband finally get clean; or my ex finally get clean, we may still fight... And we may still live in fear.. Afraid he will relapse again. I spent almost everymite at ex place but sometimes i slept at my parents home. I was used to check every corner at his home once I got there, even checked the bin ... Just to see if he had used when I was not there. I can't imagine I would have to do this in my life... It's not normal...

YOU and me and the others here need a normal peaceful life and a stable trust worthy partner.

AnvilheadII

kelley, try not to fix it all by 6pm today ok? tangled balls of twine take time and patience to unravel.

it's natural to still think "if HE would only change" because that is silently followed up by "then everything would ok" and gosh that sounds good. but it's not realistic. in AA it's called the easier softer way. wanting somebody else to make our lives manageable, and take all our problems away.

how about get to some meetings? how about some self care? you are a young woman of 37 (i can say that, cuz well i'm Anvil AND i'm 52!!!! LOL) - last time i "started over" was 11 years ago. my best DO OVER yet!!! you aren't left with nothing, you have two beautiful priceless children. yeah, maybe you have some financial STUFF to remedy....totally doable.

one of my favorite sayings, There are No Problems, Only Resistance to the Solutions.

hope213

i am so sorry for you. the first year is hard after that is gets easier. life will get so much earier & happier without him.my prayers are with you.

kelleyt

Anvil thanks u made me smile !! I know I can't fix it in a day it's going to be a long while !! That's the part I hate !! I'm just so hurt I always wanted to be married and I wanted someone to grow old with and go to meetings with talk about recovery and just do good things to help other people struggling with drugs/alcohol!! I can't believe this is this person that I gave everything too literally everything I was hoping there was still a heart in this person but no !! There is nothing there I feel like I'm in a nightmare !! This pain is unbearable ! Thanks for everyone who post I hope one day I can post something good !! Thanks for listening hugs to u guys

eveewonder

Hang in there Kelley. You are not alone. Be kind to yourself and one day at a time. One hour at a time if need be.