HopeFloats12

Hi

My name is Hope, I live in upper NY and am 55 years old. I have been sober for almost 4 years after about 10 very abusive years drinking and doing a few half-hearted quits along the way.

I don't really follow any one program but if I had to define it, I would say I am a combo of the WFS + AVRT methods. I do not ascribe to the disease model for myself, though know people for whom that is true.

Using chemicals to alter our realities runs a spectrum of causes, effects, but we can sure agree on the outcomes. An unmanageable life and to my mind, most tragically, the loss of time, and experiences that would have taught and grounded us in our world.

It is that piece with which I am struggling very mightily right now. In the past 18 months, the truth is that living a conscious, mindful life has certainly been worlds better than living the life I was when I drank myself to a black out every night.

But, in these last months, I find myself experiencing something I do not hear people talk about much. It is what I call 'waking up on a ledge'. What I mean is that all the work to get the alcohol out of my life and the resulting clarity, awareness and consciousness results in the fact that I have 'woken up' on a tiny ledge on the top of a mountain and have no idea what I am doing here or how in the world to get down. I have woken up in a life that I do not want, at an age where I am not sure I can do anything about it, in an economy where my the train wreck of my drinking financial irresponsibility is terrifying.

This is not about positivity vs negativity, I am talking about the fact that some things are just 'true'. They just 'are'. Acceptance is one of those concepts that is important, but I am really stuck on how it is that I balance acceptance with an overwhelming loathing for this place I find myself.

I don't ever talk about 'sober'. That's because it is too narrow, in my experience to define what this quest has been about. I was 'sober' when I hadn't had a drink in a month. But, the drive to run away, to be unconscious, to hide, to feel shame and self loathing still took me to all sorts of behavior that was damaging. Isolating, over spending, parsing the truth etc etc- being unconscious takes all sorts of forms. In my life, it comes down to having a life in which I am mindful and conscious in every moment and across all aspects of my life.

So, my struggle is how to maintain the motivation to stay awake and connected, when what I find every day is depressing, scary, shameful etc.

What is the risk for me? To drink again? No, that is over. But, I am not doing well otherwise. I am scared and sad and lonely and enraged and heart-broken. I lost a 2 year relationship last week that was the best one I have had, but it was not to be. Parallel to that is still the re-creation of a life that I wish to inhabit. For a while now, I find myself skeptical and disbelieving that it really matters what I do. It is hard to believe that all of this work and effort and progress lands me here.

I have joined this forum because I want to be in a community that understands and to find support in this next phase. I do know that I sound heave and negative, certainly an outgrowth of break-up heartache, but it really is more than that.

Thanks for listening.

Hope

escapist

Hi Hope
I can relate to your post. I am 52. You sound like you are really hurting. I have 8 months in to sobriety. I know about waking up to midlife reality. I have days when I look around and think I have thrown out so much and now I have so little. I shift my focus. I think about how good it is to have freedom from addiction. The only thing that could make my limited life even more restrictive. I am sorry about your loss.

2granddaughters

Hope:

Have you attended AA meetings in your area. You will find a room full of folks who think a lot like you and are getting better.

The trouble with isolating is we think we are special, unique, irreparable. Like Humpty Dumpty.

All the King's horses couldn't put Humpty together again ... but AA can and will.

All the best.

Bob R

susasober1

Hope,

Thank you for your post...I can relate to your situation.

I am coming up on a big birthday myself and am almost 14 months sober. This am I woke up to that mid-life reality as I STILL have not found full-time work since I have been sober. I have huge fear of financial insecurity and so many other things that I did not worry about 20 years ago.

One thing that can help is to attend a meeting or support group of some kind. If you do not wish to attend AA meetings, some local churchs hold their own type of "recovery" meetings. I go to AA and but am also going to start attending other types of meetings. My church holds regular recovery meetings as well. They call it "Lifelines".

The worst thing we can do is isolate. I know I did enough of that when I was drinking!

Good luck!

HopeFloats12

Thanks so much for your response, I appreciate the outreach. As I said in my post, I did not and don't participate in AA, I am firm about that decision.

You are SO right about isolating, I did that when I was drinking, to the point of being a hermit. So, I take your advice as a reminder to get involved in other sorts of groups,,,like activities and such. After a break up, I am just feeling tired and sad and it's hard to get the energy to meet new people. I really do appreciate the advice!

least

to the family! You'll find lots of support and understanding here.

Hevyn

Welcome Hope. It's so good that you found us. I was still drinking when I joined - but I was comforted by the fact that others cared and understood. Maybe you'll feel the same, even though you've reached a different phase in your recovery.

I hope when the newness of the breakup begins to fade that you'll feel less anxious & unsettled. I've been through it too - but I fell back to drinking to cope. (Of course it made things worse.) You are white knuckling through this - and though it's horrible, you have held on to your sobriety. That takes great strength & determination - be proud.

Glad to have you here with us!

Carlotta

to SR.
A good way to break isolation and get out of ourselves sometimes is doing service and helping those who have less than ourselves. Maybe there is a local food bank or animal shelter which could benefit from your weekly volunteering?
I do volunteer work and it's a great way to make new friends.

Gilmer

Hi, Hope. I'm 53. AA is not for me, either. I know many people who swear by it, but I just don't gel with it. I find an awful lot of encouragement and support from these SR boards. Just block off a chunk of time and surf through the various forums. So many people with such depth. There is so much sadness here, but also so much joy and warmth and getting of one another's back. I look forward to coming on here every day. I hope you do, too--may SR provide an oasis in your day.

HopeFloats12

You have all been so lovely in welcoming me today, thank you! I will definitely be here a lot in the coming weeks and I look forward to 'meeting' everyone and hopefully adding support from my experience.

I am being vigilant right now because it is this time is the first major emotional set-back I've had in a couple of years and I have not been through a non-drinking breakup. It's hard to deal with the night time particularly and the accompanying anxiety, loneliness and sadness.

If there is one thing I learned in my own journey to quit drinking, it is not to think too much, just do the next kind, intuitive and right thing. Right now, I don't feel connected to that in a hopeful way, but I also know that learning to do things differently takes time to build new 'muscle'.

I really really wish the new skill was not how to lose a good person, but that is what is real.

Thanks again everyone, I really appreciate your listening and being so welcoming. I always welcome input, and look forward to any that you want to share.

whipster

Thank you for sharing and sorry for your loss. As you mentioned, the huge amount of time completely wasted by drunkeness and hangovers is my biggest regret and I don't really know what I can do about it other than go forward.

fini

Hope,
hm....i can only listen through my filters, of course, and there may not be parallels to where i'm at (57, sober 6 years), but it SOUNDS similar.

it seems about meaning. meaningfulness.
lack thereof.
personally, i've been feeling stuck in one place for two or three years now, and feeling that to get out of it would require a new commitment, i.e. a commitment to "throw myself" into something. whether it be a passion, an exploration, a service, a sustained action...

and because that's where i feel i'm at, i AM looking at what it seems people lump under "spiritual".
i hear you on the AA thing. i got sober by using LifeRing Secular Recovery, and not drinking isn't a problem. (i do keep checking out AA, but hear you on not going there)
the rest of it is.

a "now what???" of the nth degree.

anything like what you're talking about?

HopeFloats12

yes, 'the waking up to midlife reality'. Maybe that's always been true, hence midlife crises. All I know is that while I am profoundly grateful for the freedom I fought very hard for, I also feel angry at myself and at the universe for finding myself here. Thank you showing solidarity, it is not easy in the journey to talk about this. In pursuing the freedom from abusing myself , I see that one way I kept myself going was by seeing the 'promised land on the other side.'

Maybe its all still part of the same subject and maybe I am just having an internal temper tantrum. No one ever said that life was easy, for anyone. I know that, in my head and mind. At the risk of exposing my own immaturity though, I confess that I thought this phase would be a lot less hard.

I am glad to meet you, I look forward to talking about all of this more.

Hope

HopeFloats12

this is exactly it, along with a growing anger that I just don't seem to be able to 'get it'.

a "now what??" of the nth degree is the best description.

Of course there is service and exploration, but I ask myself a lot; while these actions are not self abusing; WHEN will I be able to just feel at peace in my own skin without having to go outside. I feel untethered.

Since I am also going through a break up, I am going to try not to dwell on this too much, but I remember in my early quit, being counseled to be aware of real feelings and to share with like minded spirits.

Thanks Fini, I look forward to talking more about what works, what disappoints and what soars. I appreciate your input, it helps to be heard.

Hope

fini

Hope,

untethered. yes, there's that. good word.
and then i think back, and wonder: when i was drinking, did i feel more tethered/anchored?in a way, yes.
but i'm thinking that's because i wasn't sober long enough to experience any underlying...uh...anything. deeply.

hm...tethered to what?

the ledge you speak of, and the untetherdness...they both, by their limitations, speak of what's NOT ledge, or a base, something else. at least there is an inkling. forgive me if that makes no sense, i've just read Jung for the first time, so at this moment it makes sense to me.

in your situation, it would be difficult to discern which of that is due to a break-up and which is more "generally true". how could you distinguish?

WHEN will I be able to just feel at peace in my own skin without having to go outside.
who knows? what if it's never? what then? would that be okay? do-able?
and...i've been thinking about this and your previous post and you speaking about being unsure if anything you do matters...and i like conversations i can get my teeth into, so to speak, and i 'm wondering if we could have a thread about ' "now what?" to the nth degree' in another part of the forum, as really this is likely not of much interest to newcomers to recovery.
it's a different "now what?" from initial quitting drinking.
or, more accurately put, a continuation for some of us.

are you into chatting more about this?

Margit