sunnshinegirl

A question for those who had to leave without telling the angry A in their lives - once he found out you left, how did he handle it? Did he try to find you? Was there ongoing conflict or did you manage to just escape to a new life. The people who are helping me think he'll move on quickly to someone else and not bother me because it would be too much effort. I have a great plan in place with lots of help so I'm not worried about that aspect of it but I think one the reasons I've stayed so long in a bad situation is that I'm not able to deal well with conflict and I've stayed even longer because I have wanted to have a rational discussion about leaving but that isn't possible at all.

Just looking for some of your experiences to help guide me through this next chapter. Thanks!

LexieCat

Mine wasn't a particularly angry drunk (though he was definitely upset that I left), and he figured out from a message I left which motel I was staying at and called me. We had ongoing contact for a bit, but it was more sad than angry. After our divorce was final, he used to call me once every few months (always drunk) and wanting to "chat".

Every person is different, though, and alcoholism adds to the unpredictability. You've got a good support system in place so I'd try not to worry too much about it. Take it as it comes. Some people find themselves upset when the alcoholic DOES move on--especially to someone else. Whatever his reaction, it is no reflection on your worth.

fourmaggie

mine did alot of finger pointing on me...not taking responsiblity what he put into it...but hey, he was gone, and i can get my own life back together MY WAY...

after awhile, his crap didnt bother me, I LOOKED WHERE IT CAME FROM, someone whos ego was big and was so sick he could not see straight...

I grieved what i thought was good for me...and moved on, I dont think i went there with the finger pointing, i figured it was a waste of time and energy in my head and LIFE...

i kept busy for the first little while with routine...get up, shower, breakie then a walk for a good cup of coffee...then my day started....

AnonK

Mine started out with an angry spat. He said that he was tired of me being in his house and was going to put me out. After finding out that he couldn't just legally throw me out, I calmed down. However, I didn't have much time (evictions require a thirty day notice). I called the first apartment ad I read in the paper. That landlord didn't have anything, but she connected me with another landlord she knew and the rest was history.

I tried moving secretly, but my ex saw me one morning as I moved. He didn't really say anything. I took everything I wanted/needed and left the rest.

After I got tired of yelling and fighting with him (even after the breakup), I initiated NC. Before this, we had a few discussions that quickly escalated. I had him come over once because I had something of his and wanted to return it. He looked around. He said "It's nice, but I wish you would have stayed home. You can't afford this". I told him that I'd rather be broke and free than to have more money and be miserable. I then told him to get out before I did something we'd both regret. After that, I told him I never wanted to talk to him again.

He called a month later. "Hi baby" (after I've told him repeatedly not to call me that). I asked him what he wanted. He said "I was just calling to check on you and see how you're doing". I told him that I was better than I ever was with him and that I didn't need him "checking on me". He then found some stuff that I left and tried to incorporate it in the conversation. At this point, it had been two months since I left; and he was just asking about stuff I left in the closet. I told him it was trash and that it wasn't important enough to call me -- and not to do it again.

So far, so good. He's living his life and I'm living mine. I couldn't be any happier.

Tuffgirl

Yes ^^^^ this ^^^^. Try not to future trip this - it won't matter either way.

Breaking up just hurts for a while. Untangling lives takes time and involves a lot of emotions, most of which are not rational.

Try to keep the focus on the way you are going to handle yourself, regardless of what he does or doesn't do. That is really the only thing in your control anyway.

Big hugs to you today.
~T