dbaguy

I just need to share as I find it helps me cope and so far I've gotten great responses, support, and understanding from everyone on this forum (with the few posts I've made).

My wife is a newly recovering alcoholic and I gotta say, the last month has been a crazy roller-coaster. A little over a week ago we had a pretty bad argument and I was literally at the point of calling it quits, packing my bags, and leaving. Actually, I had packed a suitcase and was trying to sort out if I could walk away. That would be no easy thing as I also have four kids... Needless to say, I stayed. I had to take a really long drive and spend some time in my own head and I realized (once again) that this journey isn't going to be easy. I also realized I was being selfish and my reasons for being so upset were actually very petty. As someone else pointed out in another post of mine, I've been the "lookout man" for so many years that this change has flipped my familial role on it's head and I'm struggling with how to support my wife, look out for myself and my kids, and keep my head generally straight. After all, it's almost 1 month to the day that I was in the ER with my wife after she drank herself into oblivion and took a handful of pills.

I know she's working on things and she hasn't had a drink in over 30 days (I went with her to an AA meeting to support her getting a 30 day coin). Beyond AA she's also been seeing a counselor over some unbelievable episodes of childhood trauma (I'm honestly amazed with her stories of when she was young that she managed to survive this long). I've been half-heartedly trying the Al-Anon thing but finding the time between her AA meetings, my kids and job, it's not easy. I get kind of wrapped up in feeling like it's been all about her alcoholism for the last 10 years that now that she isn't drinking now it's all about her AA (selfish view eh?).

Does anyone else struggle with this balance? I know that if she stays as serious about her program as she is right now and focusing on getting healthy things could be amazing for us. I've noticed some serious resentment welling up within me about things in the past and I should probably let them go and focus on the now but that isn't as easy as it seems it should be.

Someone just let me know that I'm not alone in this messed up bag of emotions . Honestly, after our meltdown a little over a week ago and some good conversation, we've been great for several days. I think I worry that things could flip back to the way they were really easily right now too if she's not careful and that messes with me because it's so totally out of my control.

One-day-at-a-time. Right?

Thanks for listening. I feel a bit better already.

LexieCat

Absolutely NOT alone. You are absolutely on schedule for someone with a spouse 30 days into recovery.

What are you doing for your OWN recovery? Posting here is great, but I think you would greatly benefit from Al-Anon. "Half-heartedly" doing it isn't going to do you much good--any more than "half-heartedly" doing AA would do for your wife. Al-Anon IS about you. You may think it's about her and her recovery, but once you shift your focus, I think you will be surprised how much you will get out of it.

NeedHappiness

dbaguy..... yes...it IS one day at a time! I know EXACTLY how you feel...and that is why I am not attending AlAnon classes myself. I'm sick of everything being all about my ABF! Poor ABF......... just can't seem to do anything right or get himself together! BLAH! I'm so sick of it always being about HIM and HIS pain, HIS losses, HIS misfortunes! Bologna! Everytime I get a little wiff of how it "could be if he did't fdrink" he goes right back to it! It's a merry-go-round that never ends! (At least that is how I feel)
As a codie...I have wasted way too much of MY time trying to fix the unfixable! Make life good for HIM becasue he was so mistreated and neglected.... poor baby can't find a decent job because he quit school in 8th grade, his body hurts so bad that he HAS to drink to kill the pain!! BS!!!! No more excuses. And no more of MY time will be wasted trying to make HIS life good while in the process, he appreciates nothing.
I guess some of us reach a point where the bad times outweigh the good and we are just sick of feeling this way....used and taken for granted. what about our wants and needs?
Sorry to get off on a tyrant but I've been reading here again for several weeks and trying to apply others advice to my situation and I think I am finally seeing the light! After 8 years of sporatic drunken hell..... I think I'm ready to climb out!

So no, you are not alone....

Cyranoak

Your story and mine are similar. One child instead of four. 15 years in. I've forfeit the best years of my life to her. I can't get them back. I'd give anything to have left when I first knew that I should (2003). 10 years of support turns out to be all I have. She still looks to me for happiness instead of herself. I still can't be her source for that. Never could, never will. She doesn't get it. She still thinks I'm going to change. The ironic thing is I know she'll never change and I haven't thought differently for years. Still stayed. I'm definitely the dumber of the two of us.

Living with an alcoholic is a special kind of hell. I believe the door is unlocked for most of us. I don't understand why I don't open it and walk the **** out. I don't understand why many others seem to be the same as me. What the ****???

kasie

You have described exactly how I feel.

People who haven't been with an A (or RA) just don't know what it feels like to know in your head that there's a door by which you can walk away and leave the chaos behind, but feel so compelled to stay - whether it's because we don't know any different, or because we can't imagine life in any other way, shape or form. So we stay in chaos, unhappily, and are too hesitant to actually step through the door.

I don't know if I've got much to say in terms of advice. But I wanted to assure you that you're definitely not alone.

Springs

I too relate to what you wrote. You've been much more supportive than I have. We don't have kids as a motivator but honestly I have very little interest in providing much support until he shows me that he'll put a lot of work in and half the time we speak I'm angry an unhelpful (though I have managed to avoid saying anything hateful or spiteful). I'm really really struggling though with how to do this whole "me" thing. Who knew it would feel so hard to focus on myself?

Recovering2

Sounds like your wife is working at her recovery. My RABF is 7 months sober, and works a recovery program every day. The first 3-4 months were a roller coaster of emotions for sure. We are both new at this, and there were still many hurt feelings there. I've been told the first year is the hardest. But it is getting better. I will say, unequivocally, if you want the relationship to succeed you really need to commit to AlAnon. Just like she has to commit to AA. If only one of you is working on this, it just makes it harder. I was angry and resistant to AlAnon at first. I felt like I had enough on my plate, now I need to add this when I'm not the problem??? But after attending faithfully for a few months, I have come to understand that AlAnon isn't about the A, it's about me. I was so used to focusing on the A's behaviors, I lost me.

I wish you both the very best. Think about AlAnon.

dbaguy

Great question Lexie. What am I doing, really, for my own recovery? I'll be honest. Nothing. I am very half-hearted about engaging in my own salvation and I know I should definitely take it more seriously. It's not easy because I'm not so good at kicking my own self in the ass as much as I am others . I'm that constant story of "let's see what Al-Anon meetings are around at hours I can make it" followed by "let's create any excuse to not go and deal with it". Probably not the best mix of getting it together right now right?

Soberpotamus

Thanks for sharing. I'm the drinker in my family, and I bet my husband would really get a lot out of reading your post. I think he could relate to what you're going through I am 80 days sober today, and we've struggled and will continue to struggle for a while I'm guessing.

Just wanted to let you know that this sounds just about "normal" given the situation.

dbaguy

Thank you! Your rant echoes with my own sentiments right now and I think that what you are saying is exactly how I'm feeling. It's all about her and her disease and I feel like, what the hell, when is it MY turn to be selfish (which is selfish in itself). I think it's a big reason I've been avoiding Al-Anon and not working on myself because I'm spending time in the bitter and irritated club. I know I can't go on like that forever and I really need to just move on and take it for what it is and all that stuff I'm told but damn-it if I don't sometimes just feel like I've had enough. I don't want a pity party but it sucks when you wake up and realize just how damn dysfunctional your life has become! While I know and I've realized I have no power to fix my wife I also know that, once I'm done complaining and getting upset, I'm really the only one that can fix myself in all this. Still trying to figure out how I managed to end up where I am. lol

dbaguy

I'm with you. I'm not sure what it is, though I'm starting to compile reasons, as to why it's difficult to focus on myself. I'm guessing it's what makes me such a great enabler though.

Olive1

Funny, this is exactly the way I felt about my relationship with alcohol.

LexieCat

Oh, believe me, I get it. But think about it this way. If you were hit by a car while crossing the street (IN the crosswalk), and you wound up in the hospital needing physical therapy (let's say a long and painful course of it), you could rant all you want about its not being "fair" that YOU have to do the hard work when the DRIVER that hit you was to blame.

But the driver's going through PT wouldn't help you one bit, would it? Regardless of whose fault the injury is, you are the one that has to recover, and you are the one who will suffer if you don't.

FWIW, Al-Anon isn't nearly as unpleasant as physical therapy.

NYCDoglvr

Early sobriety -- and I consider the first six months to be very early sobriety -- is one of the toughest things to go through. I described it as 24 hours/day PMS in a full moon. Lots of crazy emotions. Alanon is a lifesaver because we stop focusing on the other person and looking at our own character defects. Since sobriety is a life/death matter I hope you learn patience. I don't think there's anything harder than getting sober ...

DreamsofSerenity

I was resentful about Alanon as well at first. I remember sitting there during the first couple of meetings feeling like it was so UNFAIR that he was off drinking and I was sitting in a meeting learning how to cope with HIS problem.

Exa is the only alcoholic in my life, yet I've got plenty of other mentally ill people, addicts, and crap in general I need to deal with all the time. Alanon helps me with everything in my life, not just my relationship to an alcoholic. Getting messed up with an alcoholic was a blessing in disguise because it got me into the program which enabled me to figure out what my own disease was.