kkelly370

Over the last 18 years, I have always hoped that my husband would get sober. After countless family occasions , holidays, and birthdays ruined by his drinking I actually convinced myself that if he would only stop, things would be great. 8 months ago, he went into recovery and got sober. And ironic as it is, it has been one of the worst things to happen to my marriage. I am now living with a complete stranger, someone that quite frankly I don't care for. Someone who is feeling feelings now and expresses EVERY ONE OF THEM and proclaims every emotion, happy or angry. Someone who couldn't care less about what is happening with me, because it's all about him right now. While I know that the past is the past- I can't help but think of the times my home was almost burned down because while in a drunken stupor, he decided to cook and passed out while burner was on high, or when he passed out on Christmas or ruined a birthday of mine or my child. I can't help but think of the times he had driven my son when he was impaired or lied to my face about how much had had had to drink. Those things come to mind when I hear him say- I am better now, I am happy.... Well I am not happy. I am pissed. I feel vengeful. I feel deserted. I feel betrayed. I feel sad. I also felt like I was going crazy. I went to my first Alanon meeting Monday. I listened and didn't talk. I really listened, and I realized that it's time to take some responsibility. My behavior is just that, MINE. And unfortunately, I have to change it. I am not perfect, and reality is, that he was not the screwed up one and I was the healthy one, we were both screwed up. My life as I knew it, no matter how bad I proclaimed it to be , is forever changed. I have to find a new normal.....one that is healthy and SANE. Will my marriage work out? NO IDEA.....I seriously don't like the man that has emerged from his journey to sobriety. I have a lot of work to do...but the work is on me...not him. Here's to hoping it's better then the last 18 years.

SparkleKitty

Welcome, kkelly370, and congratulations. You have come to some powerful realizations recently and that is a great first step on the road to your own recovery. It won't be easy, but it will be worth it. I wish you strength, patience, and peace.

sarah9160

My boyfriend of 3 years is in the beginning stages of being admitted to a 90 day in patient recovery facility. All I've wanted was for him to seek treatment. And now I'm terrified. I can handle the drinker. I'm not so sure about the sober version of him. I feel so selfish.

dandylion

Dear sarah--just so you know--just because you feel selfish doesn't mean that you are selfish!

dandylion

KKE

Are you waiting for the bit where he takes responsibility for what he put you through?

EnglishGarden

We have an article somewhere on the forum about the King Baby syndrome. I can't cut and paste....if you can find it, it might help you out. If any other members can provide a link....thanks.

marriedadrunk

I feel exactly the same way. He keeps saying things are better, I quit drinking. Maybe better for him, because he's not dealing with withdrawal every day, but for me? I've been blindsided. He hid the drinking from me, so I didn't even know the extent that it was going on. I am miserable and he couldn't be happier, it's all about him. I am so with you.

dandylion

EnglishGarden gave link for an excellent posting on the "King Baby" syndrome.

Some excellent information on the early recovery period--and the considerable stress entailed for the partner is in the following website: peggyferguson.marriage-family.com.
It is a large website. Look on the left-hand side of the home page for the section called "The addicted family". Early recovery is a very vulnerable time in a relationship/family. For some, it is worse that the preceeding drinking period!

dandylion

EnglishGarden

You can find that King Baby article on Cynical One's blog.

If you go up to the Blogs tab, type in "King Baby Lecture" in the search engine, it will take you there.

kkelly370

Sara......don't be afraid....just be ready...it's not all about him.....it's about you and your healing too.....I am healing even as I type this.....

kkelly370

Someone said to me...if you are waiting for a pat on the back for all you had to go through......dislocate your shoulder and give yourself one......that's the only pat on the back that means anything........

KKE

That's a really good way to look at it!

Amber23

I hear ya.....same thing over here.....

SoloMio

Thank you for the King Baby reference. So true. What I found interesting in the blog piece was that the "bottom line" for the King Babies for change are pretty much applicable to the changes we "ladies/gents-in waiting" can apply instead of waiting for our world to get better after the drinking stops without taking responsibility for ourselves.

Here are the four steps for change for the King Baby from the article, with some slight modifications I need to remember for myself:

Number One
No need to change a word of this

Number Two
Let God or something bigger than yourself take care of your alcoholic spouse and you assume proper care of yourself

Number Three
Interact with other people on an equal level in groups such as Al-Anon

Number Four
Realize deeply that you are a special child of God, and that your alcoholic partner is not your God--your God is your God, and make a commitment to listen only to that God within you to live your life in whatever way is consistent with the experience of the life force.

If you do these four things, than you are truly overcoming your "lady-in-waiting" status and are ready to be in command of your own life.

ichabod

The first year of my husband's recovery was the hardest of our marriage. Recovery IS all about them and they are big emotional balls of goo. It is hard to feel unfettered emotions for the first time after years or decades of handling every emotion with booze. In my case, it was close to a year before everything calmed down and I was back on his radar screen.

Work on you. Be supportive if you want to or can be and let him handle his recovery. It gets better and easier and if nothing else time and space brings clarity.

Hang in there!

NYCDoglvr

In AA's Big Book Bill Wilson describes alcoholics as being self-centered in the extreme, self-involved and selfish. There's a saying: "if you take the alcohol away from a drunken horse thief you have a horse thief". If your husband is willing and works very hard he will change, eight months is still early recovery.

But you are right: we must change our codependency, work hard on our own character defects. It helps to let go of expectations, which probably screws up more relationships than practically anything else.

kkelly370

Ichabod- I realize that his recovery is important. That he is doing a lot of work on himself. I certainly would never discount the AMAZING job he has done in actually stopping and turning to face those demons. I can't imagine how difficult and frightening it must be. However- there are other members of this family that exist as well. We ALL have the need to be heard and listened to and respected. We would like to discuss our days and our feelings. We would like for him to at least feign an interest in our opinions and thoughts. I hear people say Yes it IS all about him....Well I disagree. I am all for doing the hard work and I am praying that the payoff for ALL of us will be worth it. But there are other people on my husbands planet- people that DESERVE respect and his attention- the most important ones being our children. It's one item on a long list of things that just chap my hide about the new life that we are all trying to adjust to. Once again adjusting to HIS will and needs. I am working on the anger and letting go of the past....But to be honest that's going to take some time, because I am plenty angry...My plan is to attend Alanon regularly because that is something that I can do for ME.........Thanks for letting me vent.

FireSprite

I totally agree, our situation was very much the same way.

FireSprite

I understand FULLY what you're saying and you aren't wrong for wanting these things in your life. My biggest frustrations, anger & resentments came AFTER RAH sought recovery & things "should" have been getting better. (In my estimation) It never occurred to me exactly how hard early recovery is or how selfish it continues to make the A's in our life. I felt like I was STILL doing all of the work and getting little to no support.

In the first 6 months all we could really manage was to "agree to disagree", we were on 2 different pages, speaking 2 different languages. I wished I had the strength to separate because that's when we really needed it most, but we had spent the 2 years prior in a state of separation & I was too insecure to do it again. I hated how he was expected & allowed to take every waking moment for his recovery and that there was always a justification for him to not particpate in the REALITIES of our lives - the responsibilities of running a household & raising a kid.

I think that the process of regaining sobriety and healthier relationships is an uphill progression the same was that the alcoholism was a spiral down. Things that were difficult for him in early recovery aren't so difficult any more (he'll be 2 yrs sober in July), he gains skills & tools to better handle communication & his responsibilities and while they are baby steps, they ARE steps in the right direction. And still, he struggles with a lot more (and with different things) than I would have anticipated when I started this journey.

kkelly370

FireSprite- EXACTLY!!!!!!!!!!!!! My husband and I are not just on 2 separate pages, We are in two separate BOOKS!
I will say this- Alcoholics are selfish - BUT Recovering Alcoholics are more selfish....
I have made a commitment to him and to myself that I will hold on and work on ME......and Pray- isn't that all any of us can do?