BattleChicken

Thought I'd come and introduce myself; also do a bit of a brain dump so it's here for the record as time goes by.

I've spent a fair bit of time in last couple of days trying to define my problem. That isn't just so I can label myself, it's an effort to try to take it more seriously - give the issue some more attention that it definitely needs. I think I'd say "Chronic Binge Drinker" but that's still subject to change. I am an alcoholic of sorts that's for sure, but I can also go without. I'm very binary. All or nothing. That's common with drinking I know, but I'm like that with most things in life, not just the addictive things.

I'm brand new to this site, and only yesterday I had my last drink. Actually I drank a 5 litre Heineken keg, four 750ml strong ales and a six pack over Friday & Saturday, after not drinking for two weeks before that. Over the last approximately three years I've been through a lot of short abstinence periods, two weeks up to two months. I've been a long term poster on the hellosundaymorning.com.au site. Struggling to go for a longer break than I've ever made it through. I think the longest period I went without drinking was about 70 days. Generally speaking I don't have a great deal of problem not drinking until I end up in social situations where others are drinking. That's not 100% true though, not as time goes on. What happens is I actually forget how big of a problem it is. I think it'll be okay to "just have a couple". And have a couple I might. But it doesn't take long for things to escalate. A week, maybe two...

When I drink I lose the weekend basically. Hit it hard Friday night, start drinking in the afternoon the next two days, really just to feel better, numb the suffering. In the last couple of years I've learnt to not drink anything stronger than beer, or things get crazy really quickly. So I drink a decent amount of beer. I've learnt to not buy less than 12 beers, or I'll just end up going back to the shop, which can easily mean driving under the influence.

So I think because I have a "sort of" easy time of not drinking for some decent periods, that leads me to convince myself I don't have such a big problem. That maybe I'll get it under control. I won't though. I don't think I ever could. That's why I'm making the change from the HSM site and trying something new here. A lot of people there are "having a break" and "changing their relationship with alcohol". I under no such disillusions anymore. Myself I've come to accept that it's not going to change and a long term, permanent abstinence is the only thing that will result in happiness.

My older brother got me drunk at about ten years old. I can remember the experience quite vividly and I can't remember a lot of detail about anything else back from that time. My parents and I moved from England to Australia when I was twelve. I can remember stealing mum's white wine from a cask in the fridge, into my school drinking bottle at fourteen years old. No one else pressured me - friends or anything - I did it all on my own. It might have started at 13, not sure exactly. Pretty soon after that I found marijuana and it became a huge, epic problem for me. I smoked chronically. Every spare cent, every spare minute. I only drank sometimes after I found pot and I smoked cigarettes heavily too. From early in my twenties I started struggling to get off the dope and I was about thirty when I finally managed to kick it. All my friends were heavy smokers and that made it so much harder. Those guys still are smoking away, and I don't see them. Took me a long time to be able to walk away. Lot of help from doctors, benzos, antidepressants. I was physically ill without it. Like it was heroin or something, it seemed like. I fought so hard for so long it was the greatest battle of my life - I kicked cigarettes soon after and it was nothing in comparison. The dope just got into my head - I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, the paranoia and anxiety was so extreme.

After I kicked the dope, the drinking slowly ramped up. I gained weight, combination of aging and kicking the cigs. I'm 37 now, not far off 38. Sometime about 34 I guess I learnt to deal with hangovers by drinking more. Before then I would drink heavily in just one evening and then not go near it until next weekend. But I gained more constitution (tolerance?) and learnt to go multi-day.

I have logs from HSM and other bits of writing I've kept showing me this war has been raging for years. I feel like it's a repeat of my battle with the dope. The very same pattern. I'm tired of it, just so tired. I also don't want it to get worse. These days I feel the first bits of physical withdrawal after these big weekends. I get restless, sleepless, sweating in the night, a general "tightness" or cramped feeling, slight long-term headache. I don't want to experience the next level of that.

So I have a good idea of what I need to do:
1) Keep focus. Remember how crap drinking is, remember that it's a problem that isn't going to change. FOCUS!
2) "Learn to deal" socially.
-Learn to relax around other people drinking.
-Learn to enjoy the company of people in general, without drinking myself.

I'll make time every day to come on here. Read others' posts, dump my brain out, and that's how I hope I can maintain focus. Thinking it might be a good idea to make an "appointment" a couple of times a week to sit down for an hour at least, making sure I do put the effort in. If it works it has to be worthwhile way to spend some time.
As for the second point. I don't know. It's not my strong suit. The plan at the moment is short periods of exposure. That's the best I have right now.

Nighthawk8820

Start this process by being as honest with yourself as you can. "Alcoholic of sorts" ? Lets just call it what it is. If alcohol is a focal point in your life, and something that causes problems for you.......then you are just a plain old alcoholic. Its not shameful, and better you get comfortable with the term from the start.

You also stated there was no way you could have dealt with that social event without alcohol. It may seem that way right now, but I promise you that in sobriety you learn to build true confidence, and will be able to handle yourself in many social situations without alcohol. I used to have social anxiety too, so I feel your struggle on that. Right now it seems impossible, but that is your addiction telling you that.

Being here is a great first step. I wish the best of luck. Welcome to the forum!!!!

zeroptzero

Thank you for your detailed, honest post. I enjoyed reading it and I can certainly relate to it. I think that denial is the biggest stumbling block for people, meaning denial that alcohol is a problem that must be overcome by complete abstinence. Of course I have gone through wanting to have a "normal relationship" with alcohol. I still get the "I wasn't that bad" creeping thoughts. What other drug/chemical do people ever try to have a "normal relationship" with? You put it in your body, it floats around, and it has an effect on you. For some of us that effect is a craving for more, followed by a hangover and anxiety.
What would a "normal relationship" be? Hello drug, pleased to see you, I am going to only put a little bit of you into my body, and your effect on me will be different because I have decided I want it to be. Insanity.
Acceptance and honesty are hard because we really, really don't want to have to give up drinking.
You sound like you are in a good frame of mind. I wish you the best.

visch1

Welcome to a shot of life without our best friend alcohol. As stated honesty with self and acceptance of our situation of not having 1 drink today. Reading the posts here going back just a couple days and you should identify, don't compare as that's translated into YET, your eligible too, which I did a lot of till I got sick and tired of being sick and tired and JOINED AA and held onto the life ring that was offered. I quickly learned that people who continue to drink/slip have their lives get worse, so try to remember it's the first drink that gets us drunk. BE WELL

GreenEggsAndHam

Welcome.

I used to be like you - a weekend binger, but progressed to drinking daily starting in the morning. I wish I would have stopped before it progressed, but it's not that easy being that I was alcoholic even then. I've also gone periods of not drinking - maybe a month or two. But I always pick it back up, starting with just one beer at dinner. Doesn't take long before my drinking is out of control once again.

I tell myself that I can handle it and that I just like to drink as an excuse to keep drinking. I also tell myself that I don't have that big of a problem because I could drink more, but to normal people 50-60 drinks a week is a lot. (what I've been consuming)

Good luck - being on this forum really helps me and hopefully will help you as well.

MIRecovery

AA is what I needed to do but it took me 20 years to realize it because it was the only option left when everything else had failed. If you want to quit AA has a solution

Dee74

Welcome to SR Battle Chicken

the cycle you're in was very similar to the one I was in for many years.

Coming here and posting regularly really helped keep me focused, kept me keen, and gave lie to the idea I 'wasn't that bad'.

SR really helped me turn things around - I know we can help you too

D