Some words about honesty
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
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Some words about honesty
Hi all. It has been quite a long time since I have posted at SR. My husband is an actively-drinking alcoholic, and at various points over the past few years I have gotten a lot of good information, feedback and support here (especially in the friends and family forum).
My AH and I recently had an ugly confrontation, during which one of the issues that came up was honesty. Now, I fully acknowledge with the benefit of 20/20 hindsight that trying to talk with my active alcoholic husband about this was a gigantic waste of time. He is at a stage in his disease where there is no way he would have been able to process what I was trying to say.
But I know many of you are on the recovery road, and I wanted to share with you, from the loved one's perspective, how much honesty means to us.
We are all full-grown adults, capable of and entitled to make our own choices about what we want to do today, which direction we want our lives to head, and what issues are most important to us. Acknowledging this for many of us in the "friends and family" category is a key step in detaching from our loved one's addiction. But it is absolutely a two-way street. And for me, a full-grown, free-thinking adult just like you, to be able to make my own choices, I need an accurate picture of the reality in my life. If you relapse and try to hide it from me, first of all, I will know. You may think I won't know, but I will know. Second of all, you are robbing me of my right as a full-grown, free-thinking adult to make my own choices based on the facts that impact my life. You aren't "protecting" me. You are attempting to control my choices. You have had nothing but disdain for me when I attempted to control your choices (and yes, I absolutely admit that I have attempted to control your choices for a very long time), so please do not try to actively interfere with my own ability to choose what I want in my own life.
I know your recovery is highly personal, and it is your road to walk. I know I can never, ever understand the pain you have endured, the reasons you abuse your substance(s) of choice, or any of that. But I do love you, and my sincere wish for you is peace, happiness, and comfort. Please do not try to manipulate my reality to serve your own ends.
My husband and I have gone back and forth about this issue more times than I could possibly count. The issue started as one of privacy; when I was deep in my co-dependency, I would snoop in an attempt to "prove" I was right. I have come to learn that I don't need to "prove" I am right. 99% of the time, I know what I know, and my husband's relentless protests to the contrary, he is not going to convince me that he "only had 2 beers," etc. Nevertheless, I know many of us in the "friends and family" category are so very grateful for simple honesty, especially as our qualifiers enter recovery. I don't need (or want) to know every detail or every little thing. But if you have a breakthrough, or an epiphany, or yes--a relapse, that impacts me directly, honesty is best because it is the only way I can live authentically in the world and make decisions based on reality.
Thanks all, and I send you all so many blessings and good wishes in your recoveries. I know you have all been to hell and back many, many times. May each day from now on be better than the one before it. You all really do inspire me, and I thank you for your willingness to lay your addictions bare so that others can learn and grown.
My AH and I recently had an ugly confrontation, during which one of the issues that came up was honesty. Now, I fully acknowledge with the benefit of 20/20 hindsight that trying to talk with my active alcoholic husband about this was a gigantic waste of time. He is at a stage in his disease where there is no way he would have been able to process what I was trying to say.
But I know many of you are on the recovery road, and I wanted to share with you, from the loved one's perspective, how much honesty means to us.
We are all full-grown adults, capable of and entitled to make our own choices about what we want to do today, which direction we want our lives to head, and what issues are most important to us. Acknowledging this for many of us in the "friends and family" category is a key step in detaching from our loved one's addiction. But it is absolutely a two-way street. And for me, a full-grown, free-thinking adult just like you, to be able to make my own choices, I need an accurate picture of the reality in my life. If you relapse and try to hide it from me, first of all, I will know. You may think I won't know, but I will know. Second of all, you are robbing me of my right as a full-grown, free-thinking adult to make my own choices based on the facts that impact my life. You aren't "protecting" me. You are attempting to control my choices. You have had nothing but disdain for me when I attempted to control your choices (and yes, I absolutely admit that I have attempted to control your choices for a very long time), so please do not try to actively interfere with my own ability to choose what I want in my own life.
I know your recovery is highly personal, and it is your road to walk. I know I can never, ever understand the pain you have endured, the reasons you abuse your substance(s) of choice, or any of that. But I do love you, and my sincere wish for you is peace, happiness, and comfort. Please do not try to manipulate my reality to serve your own ends.
My husband and I have gone back and forth about this issue more times than I could possibly count. The issue started as one of privacy; when I was deep in my co-dependency, I would snoop in an attempt to "prove" I was right. I have come to learn that I don't need to "prove" I am right. 99% of the time, I know what I know, and my husband's relentless protests to the contrary, he is not going to convince me that he "only had 2 beers," etc. Nevertheless, I know many of us in the "friends and family" category are so very grateful for simple honesty, especially as our qualifiers enter recovery. I don't need (or want) to know every detail or every little thing. But if you have a breakthrough, or an epiphany, or yes--a relapse, that impacts me directly, honesty is best because it is the only way I can live authentically in the world and make decisions based on reality.
Thanks all, and I send you all so many blessings and good wishes in your recoveries. I know you have all been to hell and back many, many times. May each day from now on be better than the one before it. You all really do inspire me, and I thank you for your willingness to lay your addictions bare so that others can learn and grown.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
I'd agree with Carl - until i learned to be honest with myself everything else just got shoved under the rug and drinking came first and foremost.
I"m still very early in my sobriety but i see part of myself in your husband every day now. I see people come here who aren't fully honest about their drinking and I see people in my every day life who i was not too many months ago. It frustrates me to no end as well that they don't see that THEY need to make the change. And your message reminds me who I was in some ways too, thanks for keeping it real.
I"m still very early in my sobriety but i see part of myself in your husband every day now. I see people come here who aren't fully honest about their drinking and I see people in my every day life who i was not too many months ago. It frustrates me to no end as well that they don't see that THEY need to make the change. And your message reminds me who I was in some ways too, thanks for keeping it real.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
I guess that's why I tried to address my post to those of you who are in recovery. I know that someone who is actively using/drinking isn't capable of understanding this stuff about honesty. But my hope is more that as people get farther into their recoveries, and they are able to start focusing some attention outward (I know so much of recovery is focused inward, as it should be), that these words about honesty might make a difference. I know many addicts have created long, habitual patterns of dishonesty, and I know that those long, habitual patterns can be extremely difficult to break. I know how hard it has been for me to work on some of my co-dependency issues, and how I have to always be aware and vigilant of what I'm doing, rather than just slipping back into old, easy patterns. I do that hard work for myself, but also for my family because I became aware of how damaging it was to them, as well as to myself.
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: Boston, MA.
Posts: 1,756
I thank you SO much for this Post .. It has brought me close to tears actually .. this was me last week; hence my bender hence my relapse; Hence all the problems I am dealing w\ now.. But the talk we had the other night I was 100% honest w\ my Ex and especially MYSELF ... Man I wish she could read this :p But THANX so much for this Post ..
Originally Posted by Wisconsin 
Hi all. It has been quite a long time since I have posted at SR. My husband is an actively-drinking alcoholic, and at various points over the past few years I have gotten a lot of good information, feedback and support here (especially in the friends and family forum).
My AH and I recently had an ugly confrontation, during which one of the issues that came up was honesty. Now, I fully acknowledge with the benefit of 20/20 hindsight that trying to talk with my active alcoholic husband about this was a gigantic waste of time. He is at a stage in his disease where there is no way he would have been able to process what I was trying to say.
But I know many of you are on the recovery road, and I wanted to share with you, from the loved one's perspective, how much honesty means to us.
We are all full-grown adults, capable of and entitled to make our own choices about what we want to do today, which direction we want our lives to head, and what issues are most important to us. Acknowledging this for many of us in the "friends and family" category is a key step in detaching from our loved one's addiction. But it is absolutely a two-way street. And for me, a full-grown, free-thinking adult just like you, to be able to make my own choices, I need an accurate picture of the reality in my life. If you relapse and try to hide it from me, first of all, I will know. You may think I won't know, but I will know. Second of all, you are robbing me of my right as a full-grown, free-thinking adult to make my own choices based on the facts that impact my life. You aren't "protecting" me. You are attempting to control my choices. You have had nothing but disdain for me when I attempted to control your choices (and yes, I absolutely admit that I have attempted to control your choices for a very long time), so please do not try to actively interfere with my own ability to choose what I want in my own life.
I know your recovery is highly personal, and it is your road to walk. I know I can never, ever understand the pain you have endured, the reasons you abuse your substance(s) of choice, or any of that. But I do love you, and my sincere wish for you is peace, happiness, and comfort. Please do not try to manipulate my reality to serve your own ends.
My husband and I have gone back and forth about this issue more times than I could possibly count. The issue started as one of privacy; when I was deep in my co-dependency, I would snoop in an attempt to "prove" I was right. I have come to learn that I don't need to "prove" I am right. 99% of the time, I know what I know, and my husband's relentless protests to the contrary, he is not going to convince me that he "only had 2 beers," etc. Nevertheless, I know many of us in the "friends and family" category are so very grateful for simple honesty, especially as our qualifiers enter recovery. I don't need (or want) to know every detail or every little thing. But if you have a breakthrough, or an epiphany, or yes--a relapse, that impacts me directly, honesty is best because it is the only way I can live authentically in the world and make decisions based on reality.
Thanks all, and I send you all so many blessings and good wishes in your recoveries. I know you have all been to hell and back many, many times. May each day from now on be better than the one before it. You all really do inspire me, and I thank you for your willingness to lay your addictions bare so that others can learn and grown.
My AH and I recently had an ugly confrontation, during which one of the issues that came up was honesty. Now, I fully acknowledge with the benefit of 20/20 hindsight that trying to talk with my active alcoholic husband about this was a gigantic waste of time. He is at a stage in his disease where there is no way he would have been able to process what I was trying to say.
But I know many of you are on the recovery road, and I wanted to share with you, from the loved one's perspective, how much honesty means to us.
We are all full-grown adults, capable of and entitled to make our own choices about what we want to do today, which direction we want our lives to head, and what issues are most important to us. Acknowledging this for many of us in the "friends and family" category is a key step in detaching from our loved one's addiction. But it is absolutely a two-way street. And for me, a full-grown, free-thinking adult just like you, to be able to make my own choices, I need an accurate picture of the reality in my life. If you relapse and try to hide it from me, first of all, I will know. You may think I won't know, but I will know. Second of all, you are robbing me of my right as a full-grown, free-thinking adult to make my own choices based on the facts that impact my life. You aren't "protecting" me. You are attempting to control my choices. You have had nothing but disdain for me when I attempted to control your choices (and yes, I absolutely admit that I have attempted to control your choices for a very long time), so please do not try to actively interfere with my own ability to choose what I want in my own life.
I know your recovery is highly personal, and it is your road to walk. I know I can never, ever understand the pain you have endured, the reasons you abuse your substance(s) of choice, or any of that. But I do love you, and my sincere wish for you is peace, happiness, and comfort. Please do not try to manipulate my reality to serve your own ends.
My husband and I have gone back and forth about this issue more times than I could possibly count. The issue started as one of privacy; when I was deep in my co-dependency, I would snoop in an attempt to "prove" I was right. I have come to learn that I don't need to "prove" I am right. 99% of the time, I know what I know, and my husband's relentless protests to the contrary, he is not going to convince me that he "only had 2 beers," etc. Nevertheless, I know many of us in the "friends and family" category are so very grateful for simple honesty, especially as our qualifiers enter recovery. I don't need (or want) to know every detail or every little thing. But if you have a breakthrough, or an epiphany, or yes--a relapse, that impacts me directly, honesty is best because it is the only way I can live authentically in the world and make decisions based on reality.
Thanks all, and I send you all so many blessings and good wishes in your recoveries. I know you have all been to hell and back many, many times. May each day from now on be better than the one before it. You all really do inspire me, and I thank you for your willingness to lay your addictions bare so that others can learn and grown.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
AugustWest, I have followed parts of your story. I wish you nothing but good things as you move forward. I absolutely believe you can make the changes you want to make, and I believe the fact that you were able to have a very honest discussion with your ex shows so much personal growth. I know it's a hard time for you, but I'm sending you a big hug and a huge pat on the back right now.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,360
My brother is the type of Alcoholic that never had a real progression. Right from the first drink it was on for him. I would try to reason with him, bail him out, keep him from losing his job, etc. Without him I don't think I could have come out normal from that whole childhood thing. I love him. I realized that at some point he was going to die from this and there was nothing I could do about it. There should be but there wasn't. I am the type that progressed from normal to out of control in about in about 10 years. It wasn't until I got there that I understood why I couldn't help him. I was never confronted about my drinking, but hiding it so I wouldn't be is a lie. We lie because we can't control not in an attempt to control. He probably was ashamed and didn't want to lose you. We are the complete opposite of free-thinking. You absolutely helped him by leaving and holding him accountable. Ahh both sides of this and I am not sure which is worse.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: My city of ruins...
Posts: 593
Silentrun you hit it on the head. For me, I lied because I was embarrassed and ashamed that I could not control my drinking.
I'm a successful person who balances many life stresses and still manages to be strong and together. I've achieved professional and personal goals that are impressive. However, I believe that is why I was SO SO SO ashamed of my alcoholic drinking. I didn't want to let anyone down. I was always the fixer, the helper, the one who was strongest when everyone else was weak. It was humiliating to admit I needed help. So I lied to protect my ego. That didn't turn out so well.
When I got honest and stopped lying to MYSELF I found sobriety. It is not fun to admit what I perceived as failure, but I realized it was time to put my superwoman cape in the closet and seek out others who were wearing one to help me. I did. And I'm eternally grateful.
I pray your husband comes to a similar realization. But no one can do it for him and it seems you have a good understanding of addiction so you probably realize that already.
All the best...
I'm a successful person who balances many life stresses and still manages to be strong and together. I've achieved professional and personal goals that are impressive. However, I believe that is why I was SO SO SO ashamed of my alcoholic drinking. I didn't want to let anyone down. I was always the fixer, the helper, the one who was strongest when everyone else was weak. It was humiliating to admit I needed help. So I lied to protect my ego. That didn't turn out so well.
When I got honest and stopped lying to MYSELF I found sobriety. It is not fun to admit what I perceived as failure, but I realized it was time to put my superwoman cape in the closet and seek out others who were wearing one to help me. I did. And I'm eternally grateful.
I pray your husband comes to a similar realization. But no one can do it for him and it seems you have a good understanding of addiction so you probably realize that already.
All the best...
Nothing is impossible!
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: EAGAN
Posts: 792
Originally Posted by doggonecarl
A poignant post.
When my addictions were running rampant, the person I was least honest to was myself. When I quit lying to myself, I was able to recover.
When my addictions were running rampant, the person I was least honest to was myself. When I quit lying to myself, I was able to recover.
Its amazing the extent we go to to lie to ourselves. Lying to much that you actually start to believe some of the lies. Lord knows I lied more to myself than I ever did to anyone else in my lifetime. Im glad I was able to turn that around and get in touch with myself again. I missed me.
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