sisterstruggle

Hi everyone,
I disappeared from this site for about six months. I just checked out of my sister's ******** and didn't want to deal with any of it. But her drug use is spiking again and making my parents lives hell again. So I'm back on board and asking for your wisdom.
So here is where I am stuck today. I understand letting go. I get it. Detach with love. Like, theoretically I get it. But I just can't wrap my head around it fully. Like, my sister is literally killing herself. She is on the brink. She has OD'd on heroine twice and been saved by EMTs both times. There is a really good chance right now that her "bottom" is death. So what do I do? What do my parents do? I understand that the person often needs to hit bottom before they decide to get sober. But what if that bottom is death?
I know that I can't stop her behavior. I know I can't make her go to rehab. I can't make her want to get sober. So we just let her kill herself? Do we just give up on her? I understand that trying to save her from herself is futile. But I also don't understand just letting her destroy herself.
Any advice?
Thanks everyone. This site is a lifesaver.

Chino

When you accept that trying to save her is futile, that is when you'll understand you're not letting her do anything: you don't have that power.

nytepassion

sisterstruggle,

The heart wants what the heart wants and yours wants her to get clean. Unfortunately, unless her heart desires the same thing ... it won't happen. You said it yourself that you know that you can't stop her behavior, you can't make her go to rehab nor can you make her want to be sober. You can't save her from herself. I know how painful it is to have tried everything to try to force someone into getting clean and they simply refuse to do so. You can try an intervention, but if she refuses you are left right where you are today. I am sure you and your parents have tried talking to her, begging, crying, pleading, yelling, reasoning, ultimatums ....etc to no avail. So I hope you will see that you are not just simply letting her self destruct, but rather that she is choosing to self destruct.

Her brain has been hijacked by a drug and she is no longer present. You are looking at a shell of what once was, but addiction resides there now. I am sorry if that sounds harsh (and I know it does), but it is the blunt force truth.

Unfortunately some addicts rock bottom is death as was the case for my ex who was addicted to methamphetamine's. Nothing I did or said could stop him. I ran the gamut trying to make him change and I only found myself exhausted, beat up from the feet up, tore up from the floor up and needing a check up from the neck up. I could compete with his addiction (love wasn't enough), I could not control his addiction, I could not out run his addiction. I had to stop and regroup. I had to realize the battle was not mine to fight and I had to begin to apply all the tools I had picked up along the way to break my need to fix him and save myself and our children.

I had to realize that I had not failed him, he had failed himself. I had not abandoned him, but rather his addiction had left everyone and everything in a trail of dust as he spiraled down further and further. I couldn't reach him and there was nothing more I could do, but just stop and pray for him. I let him know that I loved him dearly and that if he ever really wanted help that he would have my support. It was clear that I had no other alternative, but then to let go and let God.

I was losing my husband, the kids were losing their dad and their mom cause while he was out chasing drugs I was chasing after him trying to make the madness stop and the kids were the ones that were in a sense being abandoned by both parents.

I wanted change, I wanted a "normal life" I wanted no drugs in my life or around my kids and it became clear that if that is what I wanted then I would have to loosen my grasp on my husbands hand and get back to life, my life, my kids lives. I moved us out so that we didn't have to watch him self destruct in 3D and we packed up and got out of the way.

It wasn't easy, but it was necessary for me, for the children. I found that all the time I had been holding on to my husband in fear had only delayed the inevitable. He was going to use no matter what and I could not stop him.

The same goes for your sister. She has almost lost her life twice and that was not enough to wake her up or to shake her to her very core. Her addiction is in control and as long as she is willing she will be a slave to it it will make all her decisions for her. Unfortunately for some addicts rock bottom is death. That is our greatest fear for them, but you can't stop it from happening if that is what is going to happen. You can try, but it is futile.

You can't bear the weight of what happens to her on your shoulders, because you know darn well that if you could make her be clean right this second you would as would your parents. Letting go does not mean turning your back it means you understand that a person has the right to choose how to live their life and it also means that you allow that person to carry the consequences of their choices on their own shoulders, by not rescuing, trying to fix or enabling them. It means that although you don't trust the addict you trust the process and sometimes it takes just that for an addict to reach rock bottom. At least that is the way it worked for me in my active addiction. When everyone got out of the way and let me fall all by myself. I hit rock bottom. The alcohol and drugs turned on me and they made my life a living hell. There was no one to rescue me, no one to save me from myself, no one to clean up my messes. I had to deal with the consequences of my choices and I didn't like it one bit. I knew the drugs and alcohol had to go cause they made me miserable.

I hit rock bottom with a honest ripe hearted prayer that changed my life. I found my way there all by myself. I was right where I needed to be alone just me and God. I cried out to Him and He heard my prayer and answered me. Now if my mama had been there I would have looked for her to save me and the cycle would have probably continued, but my mama bowed out with exhaustion and I can tell you rock bottom is an ugly lonely place. It is a good place to be and it is best if she arrives alone so she alone can make the choice to survive and get out.

Hugs,
Passion *recovering addict/alcoholic/codependent

sisterstruggle

Thank you Chino. That is exactly right. Thank you for reminding me that I am not letting her do anything. She is doing everything to herself.
Thank you nytepassion for your post. And you are right, the choice is hers to make. The future outcomes are just so terrifying (I know I am supposed to be one day at a time and focus on the present. Sometimes that is hard to do!). I will take hope in your recovery. I am sorry about your husband.

pravchaw

So sorry for what you and your parents are going through. I think the best you can do is live in the moment - one day at a time.
I don't know if its possible to have her put in legal custody. I know in Ontario it is possible to request a 72 hour hold on some one who is danger of harming himself under the mental health act.
Please check this link out. Perhaps you can google for more information.
Illinois - Treatment Advocacy Center

cynical one

There’s a big difference between letting go and giving up.

Letting go is still caring about them but not being their caretaker, it’s still having hope, it’s accepting that we have no control over them, and can’t live their lives for them, it’s supporting recovery- but not trying to fix them. It’s stepping back without guilt, because we are doing it out of love.

Giving up is no longer caring about them and losing all hope.