Boyfriend Cheating? in NA

Old 05-30-2013, 01:33 AM
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Boyfriend Cheating? in NA

Hi, I'm new here. I have been in recovery for 5 years from a meth addiction and have discovered my boyfriend of 4 years is addicted to oxys. I'm so hurt! Long story as short as possible, I have been living with my boyfriend for 4 years and my two teenagers from a former relationship. In the last year my once loving caring boyfriend became addicted to smoking oxys which rapidly turned into him lying daily, stealing my money, things from my children, robbing friends, dissapearing,stealing/pawning household items ect. and either ignoring me or being aggressive towards me. Never once in our entire 4 years did I suspect or think he would ever cheat on me. Our household became chaotic with me acting like a crazy detective,kicking him out and wanting him back, and my sadness and pain coming out as anger. I was so focused on him that I stopped caring for my own needs and flunked out of school which I had been so excited about finally returning to. After several promises by him to stop and many attempts to bring him to detox and treatments, he left for a few days and then called me from the hospital and wanted to go to treatment. He didn't think he would stay at detox in our area and has so many contacts in our area so I bought him a ticket to go to the other side of the state where his sister was waiting and took him to detox and he then went to a 30 day treatment facility because he though getting away from people in our area was best and I agreed to the fullest. Our relationship never ended and we were in a good place with eachother, so I thought. I supported him and tried my best to forgive and not focus on all the wrong he had done to me. I love this man and I truly believe he loves me. Now, he is out of treatment. Everything was going well and seemed very positive except for the fact that my children want nothing to do with him and I felt it was too soon for him to live with us as well. I felt he needed to earn some trust back as he has stole so much from us ect.. Together we came up with a plan for the focus to be on sobriety and for us to remain together long distance which we would see eachother often as I can easily visit him on weekends. We new this would be hard as we were used to being together everyday but he didn't feel stable enough to live on his own in our area so I paid for a deposit and rent for him at a sober living home with all male roomates, brought his truck to him because he had a work opportunity through our friend, and could get to NA meetings ect.. and the plan was for him to continue to live on the other side of the state for a few months tops. We had a great 4 days together on my first visit to see him ect...and he seemed excited to have pills out of his system and have a fresh start in a new place. The following week he was active in NA with his roomates which I thought was awesome. Life seemed great....for one week. Then, he came home for court this week. On his second day staying back in our home he started acting a little "shady" and I jumped to accusing him. Well, then his phone was lying there so I looked. There was a new text to a former drug contact that said basically whats up ect? I freaked out and took the phone and acted psycho locking myself in the car as he deperately knocked on my windows to get it back. His main focus was to get the phone back not my feelings of hurt that he tried to contact this person. I drove away to look through the phone and cut it off (like this is really going to stop any drug use)because yes, like an idiot I pay that bill too. Well, I noticed several calls to a male name in the new city he lives in and thought nothing of it..prob a male roomate of his? Then I went to his pics...where there I found it..several pictures of a woman! After everthing this is the last thing I would have thought!! Turns out after all the lies and damage and all the support I have given him...one week of going to NA and he meets a girl whom according to her(I found her number was the male name with so many calls) he has been pursuing her and calling her constantly and they have been exchanging pictures and hung out together. WTF!!!!???? Kicked him out for one day,now I let him back. Now, we are back in crazy mode because I'm bringing it up every 10 minutes and going back and forth between crying and yelling and all he can say is "I dont care about the dumb B" but can't explain any details!! I'm so angry!!! I've kicked him out so many times and take him back I look like an idiot. Can't be with him there with that going on and can't have him at my house with distrust. 4 years down the drain? Sorry for the long vent session. Any experience with husbands/boyfriends meeting someone in NA ? Trying not to make this all about me but he went to NA for help/support and he made the decision to pursue someone and hurt me worse!! Now can't even trust him going to NA!! Sad!!
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Old 05-30-2013, 04:10 AM
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Ann
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Welcome Kissthestars.

Your post reminds me of how we can make their addiction the center of our universe, living in chaos as our "normal" state of being, and going crazy trying to stay one step ahead of the stealing and lies and disappointments.

My son is the addicted loved one in my life, but it was no different, my world became dark and sad and scary while living in his addiction.

You flunked out of school, you have been robbed by him, you have been afraid of him and now you see him cheating too. I'd say he has taken over your life too, but it doesn't have to be that way.

I don't think this is how you want to live, it's no life to be raising teenagers in.

It may hurt to leave, it may break your heart, but right now he is breaking your life and taking you down with him.

It's up to you whether you stay or leave, but just know that he is not likely to change anytime soon so if you want this to all end and if you want happiness and peace back in your life, the change will have to begin with you. You are stronger than you think and you can do it. Just believe in yourself and make your plan.

I'm glad you found us and hope you stick around.

Hugs
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Old 05-30-2013, 05:21 AM
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WELCOME to Sober Recovery. I am glad that you found us, but sorry for why you had to. There are some really great folks here with lots of ES&H, folks who have been where you are now, or are where you are now.

Congrats on your 5 years, that is AWESOME!!!

I understand you 'love him.' I understand that this is hard and you are very hurt.

You yourself are in recovery and I do believe if you look back to your early time in recovery you will remember how unstable, confused, angry, sad, and sometimes feeling very scattered, that you will see that he is not capable of making correct choices IF HE IS NOT SERIOUS ABOUT STAYING CLEAN AND SOBER.

That being said, you are seeing who he is, not who you want him to be, or thought he was, but WHO HE IS.

Please listen to your children, do not let this person back into your home and into your life. He has stolen from you and your children, he has lied to you and your children and he has abused you.

Sounds like this would be a good time to check out some Alanon or Naranon meetings. I suggest Alanon, because usually there are many more of those than of Naranon meetings and since it is the same program, you will find folks that are and/or have been where you are now. Also, you may want to get some one on one therapy for yourself and maybe some Alateen for your teenagers if they think they might want to go.

As to one on one counseling, which can be expensive, I would suggest that you call your local Domestic Violence Center as they have all sorts of help available for those that have been abused either physically or emotionally.

I can so relate to where you are now. I was married to a 'sober' alcoholic and on my 3rd AA anniversary my sponsor insisted (I like to say strongly suggested, rofl) that I start attending Alanon IMMEDIATELY and get myself an Alanon sponsor in addition to her. You see, my 'sober' husband had switched his DOC to GAMBLING and was exhibiting all the alcoholic/addition behaviors, including lying, stealing, pawning our 'things' getting 'pushy' with me (and this was a man who normally was not physical).

So off to Alanon I went. Got myself an Alanon sponsor, a great lady that I also knew from the rooms of AA, and who it turned out was a close friend of my AA sponsor. Had it not been for Bev (My AA sponsor) and Pat (my Alanon sponsor) I am not sure I would have been able to stay sober and clean through that very rough time of my life.

All this stress can become very detrimental to your own recovery, so PLEASE take care of you. You cannot 'fix' him, although I suspect you wish you could. You do understand that he has to reach his own bottom and really WANT recovery, no matter how bad he needs it, before any rehab, or treatment center, or NA will help him to HELP HIMSELF.

Please take care of you!!!!! Please also continue to post and let us know how your are doing as we do care so very much. Feel free to rant, rave, scream, cry, and yes even laugh. We are here for you, and we are walking with you in spirit.

Love and hugs,
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Old 05-30-2013, 12:48 PM
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surely you have SOME dealbreakers when it comes to relationships? to be blunt, and i know you didn't share EVERYTHING, but i failed to find one single redeeming trait of this guy!!! he's a drug abuser and a people user.

it's time to stop. you are only making yourself miserable and inadvertently enabling him to keep on being a total jackass. get him out of your house, off your phone plan, and BE DONE. and get back to living YOUR one great life! stay sober, get back to school, and don't allow anyone to treat you poorly or take advantage of you again.
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Old 05-30-2013, 12:55 PM
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4 years down the drain is better than 6, 7, 8,9, 10 years down the drain.

Addicts dont let people go when that person has so much use for them. When you absolutely have nothing to give them and refuse to, they move onto another victim. That is not love. You spend so much energy caring for this person in exchange for what? Chaos. That is no way to live.

It's your decision, to stay or leave this person but the wise thing to do is to cut him loose and take control of your life. It hurts a ton in the beginning but time really does heal everything.
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Old 05-30-2013, 01:42 PM
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As I read your post, I also wondered what you see in this man. But, I could have written your post and my friends also wondered what I saw in my AH. So, I say this with the most love and compassion for you.

You are teaching him how to treat you. He is not displaying real love to you (There's a recent post on here about real love. I think AnvilHead posted it.)

Please don't force your children to be exposed to this man, who treats their mother horribly and who steals from them.

Living in constant chaos and turmoil is no way to live!

Please take others' advice and go to Nar-Anon or Al-Anon. Begin to bring the focus of your life back to you and your kids.

A huge congratulations on your FIVE YEARS!!!!
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Old 05-30-2013, 01:58 PM
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Is there somewhere else that your kids could live where they aren't exposed to this? I know that's blunt.. but they need a voice too, ya know?
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Old 05-30-2013, 02:42 PM
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As many have suggested Nar-anon, thought I'd point out that there's a step meeting tonight at 7pm at the Alano Club on 7th. There's also one on Monday nights at the Opportunity church at 6:30pm on Pines just south of Sprague.

Best wishes.
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Old 06-11-2013, 07:03 PM
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Thankyou everyone for the great advice. Update: I stuck to my guns and we are no longer together. He moved in with his family but more importantly me and my kids are very happy and back to a peaceful happy household!! I'm loving it. Just celebrated my daughters graduation from HS on Saturday and I start back to school for summer quarter in a few weeks. Back to focusing on myself and my kiddos. Thanks for the info about your experiences and for the info on the local meeting at the Alano club which is where someone took me to my first meeting when I was at my lowest point.
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Old 06-12-2013, 12:44 AM
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Great news!
Good for you!!!!!!!
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Old 06-12-2013, 05:10 AM
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Now that is really GREAT news!!!!!!!

Keep working on you and enjoy those kids and your sober life TO THE MAX!!!!!!

Love and hugs,
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