when your sponsor becomes your sponsee***
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 438
when your sponsor becomes your sponsee***
It seems like I've hit a road block! I have a sponsor that I've been working with for a few months now. She's been great, we're working through the steps, I'm on step 8 and moving right along.
Problem started with her being interested in a job (I have been looking to hire someone) and I agreed to interview her ( I know. ..I'm shaking my own head at myself right now!). She has zero experience for the job but I am willing to train the right person & she thinks she can learn the job so I told her she could come in today and I would go over some things with her.
Nnnnnnnnnn
...then the drama happened. I don't say that to be insensitive, but I'm only 4 months sober and I just can't handle other peoples drama right now! She called me 10 minutes before she was supposed to be at the office & told me she couldn't come because her boyfriend took the car keys from her, they got in a huge fight, he slapped her across the face, she needs to get out & would I come pick her up....yes I picked her up. She hung out at my office all day & she was able to find a place to stay away from her boyfriend.
Reflecting on the day, I don't see how I could hire her or keep her as my sponsor and I'm a big chicken when it comes to talking to people about that kinda stuff. I feel as though our roles were just reversed and I don't know how to break if off ....especially I feel bad because now she has no place to live, has no car and is expecting a job from me.
I don't know what to do because now I am the one helping her with ride, job and listening to everything and maybe I sound selfish but I think I need someone who can help me with my crazy head & she is just not available right now.
Problem started with her being interested in a job (I have been looking to hire someone) and I agreed to interview her ( I know. ..I'm shaking my own head at myself right now!). She has zero experience for the job but I am willing to train the right person & she thinks she can learn the job so I told her she could come in today and I would go over some things with her.
Nnnnnnnnnn
...then the drama happened. I don't say that to be insensitive, but I'm only 4 months sober and I just can't handle other peoples drama right now! She called me 10 minutes before she was supposed to be at the office & told me she couldn't come because her boyfriend took the car keys from her, they got in a huge fight, he slapped her across the face, she needs to get out & would I come pick her up....yes I picked her up. She hung out at my office all day & she was able to find a place to stay away from her boyfriend.
Reflecting on the day, I don't see how I could hire her or keep her as my sponsor and I'm a big chicken when it comes to talking to people about that kinda stuff. I feel as though our roles were just reversed and I don't know how to break if off ....especially I feel bad because now she has no place to live, has no car and is expecting a job from me.
I don't know what to do because now I am the one helping her with ride, job and listening to everything and maybe I sound selfish but I think I need someone who can help me with my crazy head & she is just not available right now.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 321
Looks like to me you found out she is human. You have found your part, learned from experience, and now what you do with that is up to you. I must say, however, something simple. Does she still have something that you want? Sure, you both engaged in a relationship of role reversal outside the rooms, and this is a .... yeah... situation, but at the end of the day, all other things considered, can she still perform for you what you originally went to her for?
Just answer to yourself honestly and you will have your answer. Finding the courage to do so is not your job, as per the second part of the serenity prayer it is granted us if and when we ask, and on our HP's timing.
I wish the best for you.
Just answer to yourself honestly and you will have your answer. Finding the courage to do so is not your job, as per the second part of the serenity prayer it is granted us if and when we ask, and on our HP's timing.
I wish the best for you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,785
Well she is not really your sponsee. You are not mentoring her through the steps or the program.
It sounds like she is having some crazy issues in her life. We all have them.
Has any of these types of issues come up in any discussion before? I guess we assume that as a sponsor that they have their life in order. They have no problems. They are on solid ground but they are not perfect. Life happens to them just as it happens to us.
I can understand how it makes you uncomfortable. I don't think I could handle all that either.
It sounds like she is having some crazy issues in her life. We all have them.
Has any of these types of issues come up in any discussion before? I guess we assume that as a sponsor that they have their life in order. They have no problems. They are on solid ground but they are not perfect. Life happens to them just as it happens to us.
I can understand how it makes you uncomfortable. I don't think I could handle all that either.
Keeping it simple!
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Surrey, BC
Posts: 3,282
Hi Jstar,
What a mess. Sounds like you need to learn to set some boundaries. My opinion only is to keep your personal life and work life totally separate. Don't bring this stuff to your workplace. Us addicts/alcoholics can be very manipulative. She shouldn't even be putting you in this position. That is not what a sponsor it suppose to do.
How long has this person been in the program? I definitely think you need to find a new sponsor and put some distance between you and this sponsor. It's not good for you and you don't need to take on her baggage to. Don't let this person interfere in your recovery. Again this is all just my opinion.
What a mess. Sounds like you need to learn to set some boundaries. My opinion only is to keep your personal life and work life totally separate. Don't bring this stuff to your workplace. Us addicts/alcoholics can be very manipulative. She shouldn't even be putting you in this position. That is not what a sponsor it suppose to do.
How long has this person been in the program? I definitely think you need to find a new sponsor and put some distance between you and this sponsor. It's not good for you and you don't need to take on her baggage to. Don't let this person interfere in your recovery. Again this is all just my opinion.
Recovering
Join Date: May 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 1,361
Hey jstar
Sounds to me like you are being a good neighbor and friend to her. Well done.
As for the job, I think that's up to you whether you think it can go ahead. Perhaps a trial period, but make some boundaries clear that home life should only occasionally interfere with work life (but it does happen to us all).
On sponsoring - I get the impression that the early AA community were all supporting each other (including employing each other at times), rather than there being a clear hierarchy. It seemed to work well for them. She is still someone who can help give an outside view on your sobriety, and if she is coping with all this drama without drinking then she sounds a good role model when it comes to sobriety.
God bless you for helping others.
Sounds to me like you are being a good neighbor and friend to her. Well done.
As for the job, I think that's up to you whether you think it can go ahead. Perhaps a trial period, but make some boundaries clear that home life should only occasionally interfere with work life (but it does happen to us all).
On sponsoring - I get the impression that the early AA community were all supporting each other (including employing each other at times), rather than there being a clear hierarchy. It seemed to work well for them. She is still someone who can help give an outside view on your sobriety, and if she is coping with all this drama without drinking then she sounds a good role model when it comes to sobriety.
God bless you for helping others.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 438
Thanks everyone 
I know she's not"really" my sponsee, it just felt like it went from me leaning on her, to her leaning on me and I felt like the boundaries between the two roles got blurred.
Listening to old timers speaker tapes is what got to thinking it would be alright to help her with a job hearing how the old AA'ers did it way back. But the first day on the job all this drama happened and it freaked me out.
She has almost a year sober, so I know she is still really in early recovery too. Does she have something I still want to have? I'm not so sure about that anymore.
Boundaries or lack thereof is one of my biggest defects I'm working on with myself. This seems to be a clear example of how I've messed it up again.
I value everyones opinions here, thank you all for being a part on my recovery.
I know she's not"really" my sponsee, it just felt like it went from me leaning on her, to her leaning on me and I felt like the boundaries between the two roles got blurred.Listening to old timers speaker tapes is what got to thinking it would be alright to help her with a job hearing how the old AA'ers did it way back. But the first day on the job all this drama happened and it freaked me out.
She has almost a year sober, so I know she is still really in early recovery too. Does she have something I still want to have? I'm not so sure about that anymore.
Boundaries or lack thereof is one of my biggest defects I'm working on with myself. This seems to be a clear example of how I've messed it up again.
I value everyones opinions here, thank you all for being a part on my recovery.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 438
Originally Posted by StevenT 
Finding the courage to do so is not your job, as per the second part of the serenity prayer it is granted us if and when we ask, and on our HP's timing.
I wish the best for you.
I wish the best for you.
And hey StevenT.... We have the same sobriety date
cool
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 172
I too agree with setting boundaries and doing so or learning to strengthen boundaries is a positive thing for anyone. It took me two months to finally have a face to face with my sponsor, I drove 45 mins to meet him at his home, we read for an hour and then he said "Hey, I need a favor and since I know where you live, my car broke down and I need you to give me a ride to my broken down car." I did it because I don't mind helping out but he certainly isn't a friend by any means and I decided right then that this isn't the sponsor I want. Go with your gut and keep to your boundaries. Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
From what I read: You did not give her the job. Did she interview? She is having life issues that are not your own, and it is perfectly acceptable to not be able to handle it right now. Sometimes we can not handle other peoples stuff. This is not a crime. Set some boundaries. Let her know that your personal life is not a part of the work life. It may be better if you found someone else to do the job that you are hiring for. It is not your responsibility to save her. Just MHO. For what it is worth!
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