devastated1

I have posted over the past year or so about my alcoholic son. He has been through rehab twice and several outpatient programs and is still drinking. He is 23 and admitted himself into out of state rehab and then sober living back in February. He lasted 1 week and got kicked out. I followed everyone's advice and stopped enabling and refused to help him. I realize nothing I can say or do will make him stop. I hoped and prayed that living on the streets or struggling would be what it took to make him quit. He is now living with someone and working but still drinking. He is severe. He's been arrested 8 times for drinking offenses and lost his license. He had seizures in rehab and was admitted to the hospital. He will call his sister or I about once a week really drunk. Sometimes he says really mean things and sometimes he's crying saying he misses home and wants to change. The thing is, he never does change. I know I am not responsible but it just hurts.....I don't understand why he is ruining his life and has shut out his grandparents and most of family. He continually lies and causes so much hurt and pain. I have been strong in not helping him financially but still cry when I think about what he's doing. Should I just not answer his calls anymore? I just think what if I don't talk to him and then he dies? I am so disappointed in what he's become. He doesn't seem to care about anything but himself and drinking.

theuncertainty

Devastated, I'm so sorry. Might it be possible for you to set a boundary that you won't talk to him if he calls while drunk? That way you're not cutting off contact completely, if you're not ready to, but you also wouldn't have to deal with the drunk rants.

dandylion

Dear devastated1, I don't remember all the details of your son's situation--but, I do remember you! Congratlations on not enabling him! He is still young--and that gives you pleanty of room for hope, but--YOU REALIZE. BY NOW, that this is more of marathon, don't you?

I have been in your shoes. He may be still pushing (testing) your buttons to seek more enabling from you. Don't get into discussion with him if he has been drinking (any). You can tell him that you love him and that the doors of AA are open 24/7--that you will talk to him when he is sober.

I think his youth is a double-edged sword--because it gives room for hope, BUT it is can take multiple attempts before being able to accept that total abstinence is the only option. He obviously has not reached his bottom right now. Recovering alcoholics will tell you that he will need to feel real desperation to want total sobriety to do what it takes.

I think you are doing well--it is sooo painful for parents. I can tell you from bitter experience--detachment is your best friend. Love him from a great, great distance.

Go to your sources of strength. Keep the serenity prayer on your lips.
We are here for you. by the way, have you ever attended any open AA meetings, yourself? That might be helpful to attend 2or 3. I find that advice from long-term recovering alcoholics gives a lot of insight for you to know how to handle your son.

Keep posting. We are here for you.

sincerely, dandylion

neferkamichael

Devastated, I am so sorry you are going through this it is so terrible. If he doesn't get to insulting by all means talk to him, but please don't enable him with money. Addiction to chemical substances is very poweful, it alters the brain, the chemical becomes life itself. Do your best to get over the pain and hurt, to much of that is no good for you. Rootin for the both of ya.

DAB

I guess at that age it's hard to imagine life without alcohol.
It sounds like he should have broken through the rock at the bottom several times.
Your have a very difficult situation. It sounds like you are doing all you can.
I pray that eventually he comes around and takes the steps necessary to recover.
All the best to you.

dandylion

Dear devestated, i just want to remind you that many recovered alcoholics will tell about multiple stints in detox/rehab before overcoming their denial--and reaching for lasting recovery.

It is said that nothing ruins a buzz like a head full of AA and a belly full of beer. You never know when seeds are planted that will later take root.

Above all, you must hang firm. Alcoholics in AA are the ones that can truly help him.

dandylion

Seren

Hello devastated1,

Sending you hugs! I know exactly how hard this is firsthand and will continue to pray that your son finds his way to recovery. If you want to keep talking to him, I think that's fine. Perhaps cut the conversation short if he becomes abusive--that happened quite a bit when Mr. HG was speaking to his son. The abusive language stopped once he realized we would not take it from him anymore.

My stepson is an alcoholic, crack addict, and poly-substance abuser (basically, he has, at one point, taken anything he could get his hands on). It took about 4 years, once the enabling stopped, for my stepson to ask for help himself. Even now, after rehab and SLE, we believe he drinks occasionally. We hope that the skills he learned in rehab and AA will eventually lead him to 100% sobriety.

Your son has now learned those same skills and can apply them at any time. I hope and will pray that that time is soon!

laurie6781

(((((deastated1)))))

I know this is hard for you. When I was about 3 or so years sober, my mom finally shared with me how hard it was for them to finally 'shut the door' on me, because otherwise she and daddy were going to end up in straight jackets in padded cells.

It took me 1 1/2 straight years (no 'time outs' living with someone', lol )of living on the streets of Hollyweird before I finally hit my 'bottom.'

It may be awhile yet before he hits his own personal bottom.

Remember, you are free to set boundaries for you when speaking with him, on the phone or in person. What dandylion said is an 'excellent' boundary:

Now he won't like this, but this is for YOU not for him.

Remember we are here for you and we are walking with you in spirit.

Sending healing thoughts and prayers for you, your son, and your whole family.

Love and hugs,

devastated1

Thank you for all your encouragement and advice. With him being out of state it has been easier to detach and focus on my other 2 kids. I always tell him not to call us when he is drinking but that seems to be the only tmie he does call. I feel like he avoids us because he knows we don't approve of his lifestyle but when he drinks he calls. I usually hang up when he is obnoxious but it start me worrying and realizing it's only a matter of time before he gets arrested again or fired, kicked out....the usual. I have come a long way from where I was a year ago. I do realize how crazy I was to keep rescuing him and bailing him out. I guess now I am grieving the loss of the life I had dreamt for my son. I run into parents of kids he went to school with and they are all getting jobs out of college, girlfriends, doing well. I just keep this pain inside that my son is in CA living from home to home, job to job, drinking until he passes out and who knows what else.

That's why this board is so helpful to me. The only people who can truly know the pain of going through this is others who have. You all have helped me get through it and hope you know how much your kind words have helped.

dandylion

Dear devastated, I understand how hard it is to feel like your dreams for his are deferred.

In my experience, this private pain will eventually be replaced by something else. Right now, your ego is involved (in addition to wanting a good life for him). Right now, you are comparing yourself,to a degree, to other parents and their "successful kids". In enough time, this will be replaced by a desire for him to simply have peace and self-actualization--WITHIN HIMSELF. That is the real prize in life. That is the ultimate goal. Everything else is simply outward stuff. The thing is--he is young--and he has every chance in the world of achieving this. The 12steps is the road to this.

Please resist the normal and understandable impulse to see success soon. This is where you let go and let god and recite the serenity prayer whenever you start to despair.

again, I strongly suggest that you get some face to fact contact with some LONG TIMERS in AA. The ones who have worked the steps and now reach out to help others.
They have been the biggest source of comfort and understanding for me.

Maybe, some of the recovering AA members on this forum can help you with this.

This is a marathon (for parents). Pacing yourself is very important.

dandylion

devastated1

Dandylion,
Great ideas.How do I get advice from the AA members on here? Thanks for your help. I guess I have to realize that he is still young. I will never give up hope but am feeling pretty discouraged. I just don't like the person he's become. Alcohol seems to have turned him in to such a selfish person who doesn't feel bad whatsoever about lying and putting his family through hell.

dandylion

Devastated1--I was hoping that some recovering AA members would see my comment and respond.

However, you can find some open meetings near your home and find some recovering AA members there. I have always found recovering AA persons very willing to talk and help. I have worked with alcoholics, before. I had long-recovering alcoholics working side-by-side with me. I learned more from them than any book. Also, another alcoholic can reach another alcoholic better than anyone else. The understand the same language.....

This is what helped me a LOT: Google the articles written by Floyd P. Garrett, M.D. There are a lot of them. Specifically, read the ones about "The Addicted Brain" and "Addiction, Lies, Relationships". This will help with your anger and disappointment (natural reactions) with your son--you won't personalize it so much and it will relieve some of your parental guilt. If you have any trouble finding them--PM me and I will help you.

dandylion

wolfpackfan45

Devastated, please know that you're not alone. My 22 year old son is a recovering alcoholic and I know exactly how it feels to see your adult child ruining his life. Before my son hit his bottom he was acting like a person I didn't even know. He was unkempt, his living conditions were filthy, and he wouldn't return our calls or come home from college ,even during family holidays or emergencies. He constantly lied to us and treated us terribly. It was heartbreaking. I finally just gave him his "space" and detached. If he called (which was only when he needed something) we talked to him. Otherwise, we backed off. He finally landed in the hospital after a binge and panic attack and told us to come and get him. He begged for help and we took him home for a semester. He got involved in AA ( the best thing he ever did) and went to a counselor. I learned in Al Anon that detachment doesn't mean you don't talk to a person or see them. It means you set boundaries and you don't enable them financially or emotionally. You might try telling him the next time he calls drunk that you love him and love talking to him....but only if he's sober. Then stick with it. If he has a cell, text him occasionally to make sure he's okay. I do know how painful this is. Believe me. And I know what it's like to worry about how they are and whether they're safe. Of course you cry. You're his mother. That doesn't mean you're doing something that's wrong. You love him and he's sick. My son is sober right now and I still cry for him sometimes too. No parent wants this for his/her child. It's painful to watch. I went through the stages of grief after learning about my son, and it was like the young man I knew before had died. Because in effect he had. Even though my son is doing well with his sobriety, his disease will always be there and he is forever changed due to it. His life will never be the same, nor will mine or his father's. We'll always have that little fear....I had to get help for me. I went to Al Anon meetings and counseling with a therapist. I also went on an antidepressant. It has all helped me to deal with it. Every day I turn my son over to God and try my best to live one day at a time without fear or worry. He's in God's hands. I can't fix him or make it go away. He has to battle his demons himself. You can only fix you. So if you can find an AlAnon meeting or see a counselor. It works.

laurie6781

You have 'recovering AA members' right here on this forum, rofl or other recovery programs but also codependents, lol

There are several of us that are 'double winners', myself included.

More will be along, but not sure how soon, since it is the 'warmer weather' and a weekend, but they will appear.

This process of finding recovery from his alcohol is on him.

The process for you, you are already doing, posting here, looking at yourself. Now "Letting go and Letting God" is not about not loving him. It is about loving him from a distance and giving him the dignity of running his own life. This comes a bit more every day. Upon arising in the morning ask his and your HP to watch over him for that day.

No, your dreams 'for him' are not trashed, just put on hold. Remember they are your dreams not his. Who knows, when he finds recovery he may have a whole different idea for his life than you do.

I didn't find recovery until 2 weeks shy of my 36th birthday. Now until the last 3 years or so of my drinking, I was fulfilling my mother's dreams for me. I was the Production Control Manager for an electronic ekg manufacturing firm. In 1976 I was making $50,000 a year, much more than most men were even making at that time.

In sobriety, I found that I absolutely could not stand an 8-5 job and that the 'office politics' drove me insane almost to the point of wanting to pick up again. So I went back to school and did in 18 months what the counselors said would take a good 30 months to do.

I got my degree in Nursing and went and took the 'licensing test' for my state and became a fully legitimate RN. I then started my own business, doing private home care of the terminally ill and the totally incapacitated. Before long I had 5 RNs and 18 CNAs working.

Not what my mother 'dreamed' for me, but I was extremely happy in my work and the long hours and the income, lol

Just remember your son's recovery is in his HP's time line not yours.

In the meantime, come here, rant, rave, scream, cry and yes even laugh, we are here for you and we are walking with you in spirit 24/7.

As to those 'parents' talking and/or bragging about their children, remember, you are only hearing what they want you to hear, all the 'good' and none of the 'disappointing.' I also wonder how 'happy' their children are, doing and being what mommy and daddy wanted them to be.

One of these days, I will start a thread on here about how hard it can be on a child fulfilling their parents wishes and dreams. I know my sister and I are not in the minority, lol

So, please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care very very much.

Love and hugs,

devastated1

I just got a call 10 minutes ago that he lost his job again and has been kicked out. He was renting a room and got drunk and was disrespectful. He has no where to go now. I said no to any financial help and told him his only option is homeless shelter or rehab. He says he will just kill himself. I don't think he will but this is so hard. I don't understand why he refuses to go to rehab, AA or do what he needs to do to help himself. Where is the bottom?

After this happened I checked my post and read your message. The responses to my post have saved my sanity and eased my pain. Thank you.

HopefulmomtoD

I am so sorry devastated. Keep reading and posting and get strength from those that have gone before you.

dandylion

Dear devastated, it looks so simple to non-alcoholics, I know--just go to rehab and attend AA meetings. That can look like a death sentence to someone who has to give up--forever--their major coping device. You can imagine how frightening this is when you look at the misery that some will endure just to keep the ability to keep drinking.

In one of my posts from yesterday< I recommended some articles by Floyd P. Garrett. Please read them. They will answer your (logical) question as to why he won't just do what he should. You know, he is not drinking AT you, he is doing what alcoholics feel compelled to do.

You are terribly upset about his most recent event---but he probably reached for a drink. You may be suffering more than him, right now, because you aren't numbing your feelings.

Devastated, I don't remember if you have considered alanon or not--but, It would be very good if you could have the face to face support of other parents who are coping with the same thing. They will understand what others cannot.

Try to live in the present and be grateful for what you have--a day at a time.

About the homeless shelter---this is probably hurting you much more than it is hurting him, right now. He is young and resilient. He will survive. MUCH congratulations to you for holding tight and not taking his bait!!!!!

dandylion

wolfpackfan45

Dandylion is right. A lot of times it hurts us more than hurts them. I used to worry about my son terribly, to the point of not being able to sleep and pacing the floors. When he'd finally call and I'd mention it to him he couldn't understand why I was so upset. It's the disease. They self medicate and numb their feelings and emotions. As for his bottom, every alcoholic's is different. But maybe your son's is not having a place to go and having to sleep in a shelter for awhile. I'm so sorry you're going through this. You need to help yourself get through this right now. I you can and are willing try to find an AlAnon meeting near you and go. Yu'll meet other people there, especially parents who are or have been through the same thing. It's an instant bond. They will understand. I promise. And keep coming back here too. We know how you feel. Hang in there.