alcoholic claims he can drink in moderation?
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: Bay Area, CA
Posts: 188
alcoholic claims he can drink in moderation?
Hi everyone,
I've posted a few times regarding my EXABF and the custody dispute we are having with our 3 year old son.
Our hearing for temporary custody is next Monday and I'm incredibly stressed. I petitioned for full custody (along with a detailed declaration which outlined his alcohol abuse), and then my ex responded. He is asking for joint custody, and he wrote a response declaration which is full of lies (he claims he is not an alcoholic, he claims he does not drink in front of our son, he claims he does not drink and drive, etc...all of these are lies).
The other day, my ex bragged that he didn't even drink at all this past weekend. "Real alcoholics drink every day, and I don't. And whenever I have our son, I just won't drink in front of him anymore." But...moderation doesn't work for alcoholics, right? I have known my ex for seven years, and in that time period, he has claimed to cut back on alcohol many times but then he eventually starts abusing alcohol again. He also defends himself by bragging that he "doesn't drink every day," but he tends to binge drink on Thursdays through Sundays.
He has also stated, "You are judging me and trying to take our son away from me. You are NO ONE to judge me!" I told him that his alcoholism negatively affects our son and that he needs to deal with that in order to be a better parent. He does not get it, he thinks I am "attacking" him. In fact, when I asked why he wrote so many lies, he LAUGHED! (There is another great thread about narcissism on the board right now, which I strongly suspect my ex has as well. I know labels only go so far, but my ex's behavior is truly baffling because everything is about HIM HIM HIM. He has also confessed on numerous occasions that he does not have a conscience. Also, since I have filed for custody, he has only visited with our son for about five or six hours a week which won't look good to the judge right? I'm so anxious about everything.)
Lastly, does anyone happen to know about immigration law or marriage fraud? My ex wrote in his declaration that his recent marriage is the motivation behind my request for full custody. However, my ex told me and multiple family members that he married his wife in order for her to obtain a Green Card (she is undocumented.) Before I knew he was married (he simply never mentioned it to me), he would often say, "I'm single and I'm on the market. Damn, look at the girl! I wouldn't mind some of that." He also never wears his wedding ring, EVER. Then on his Facebook (his account is public), he simply does not have any pictures of the wedding even though he only got married in March 2013. One of my friends told me that she knows some people who have done marriage fraud and they had serious repercussions. Well, I looked it up, and lo and behold, a U.S. citizen who commits marriage fraud can be sentenced up to 5 years in jail while the undocumented person simply gets deported.
My stomach is in knots. I'm getting so stressed about the hearing that I can't focus on other things.
Looking for some words of wisdom and support.
Thank you all! This place is amazing and I'm happy I found it.
I've posted a few times regarding my EXABF and the custody dispute we are having with our 3 year old son.
Our hearing for temporary custody is next Monday and I'm incredibly stressed. I petitioned for full custody (along with a detailed declaration which outlined his alcohol abuse), and then my ex responded. He is asking for joint custody, and he wrote a response declaration which is full of lies (he claims he is not an alcoholic, he claims he does not drink in front of our son, he claims he does not drink and drive, etc...all of these are lies).
The other day, my ex bragged that he didn't even drink at all this past weekend. "Real alcoholics drink every day, and I don't. And whenever I have our son, I just won't drink in front of him anymore." But...moderation doesn't work for alcoholics, right? I have known my ex for seven years, and in that time period, he has claimed to cut back on alcohol many times but then he eventually starts abusing alcohol again. He also defends himself by bragging that he "doesn't drink every day," but he tends to binge drink on Thursdays through Sundays.
He has also stated, "You are judging me and trying to take our son away from me. You are NO ONE to judge me!" I told him that his alcoholism negatively affects our son and that he needs to deal with that in order to be a better parent. He does not get it, he thinks I am "attacking" him. In fact, when I asked why he wrote so many lies, he LAUGHED! (There is another great thread about narcissism on the board right now, which I strongly suspect my ex has as well. I know labels only go so far, but my ex's behavior is truly baffling because everything is about HIM HIM HIM. He has also confessed on numerous occasions that he does not have a conscience. Also, since I have filed for custody, he has only visited with our son for about five or six hours a week which won't look good to the judge right? I'm so anxious about everything.)
Lastly, does anyone happen to know about immigration law or marriage fraud? My ex wrote in his declaration that his recent marriage is the motivation behind my request for full custody. However, my ex told me and multiple family members that he married his wife in order for her to obtain a Green Card (she is undocumented.) Before I knew he was married (he simply never mentioned it to me), he would often say, "I'm single and I'm on the market. Damn, look at the girl! I wouldn't mind some of that." He also never wears his wedding ring, EVER. Then on his Facebook (his account is public), he simply does not have any pictures of the wedding even though he only got married in March 2013. One of my friends told me that she knows some people who have done marriage fraud and they had serious repercussions. Well, I looked it up, and lo and behold, a U.S. citizen who commits marriage fraud can be sentenced up to 5 years in jail while the undocumented person simply gets deported.
My stomach is in knots. I'm getting so stressed about the hearing that I can't focus on other things.
Looking for some words of wisdom and support.
Thank you all! This place is amazing and I'm happy I found it.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Butterfly do you have a lawyer? There is so much he said/she said going on here, I believe you need a professional to advise you on what the COURT will want to know before deciding custody. I know you are hurting, but to engage in this kind of attack-and-defense isn't going to help make sure your son is safe.
Regarding moderation drinking -- spend some time reading threads on the Alcoholism forum and you will get a pretty strong idea about how many have tried and failed to moderate drinking. Your X is doing what A's do -- denial, blame-shifting, all the classic stuff. Try not to get entangled in it all. You know your truth. As crazy-making as it is for you, he is also entitled to his truth. But in the end, the courts will decide what is in the best interest of your child.
Sending you strength and courage!
Regarding moderation drinking -- spend some time reading threads on the Alcoholism forum and you will get a pretty strong idea about how many have tried and failed to moderate drinking. Your X is doing what A's do -- denial, blame-shifting, all the classic stuff. Try not to get entangled in it all. You know your truth. As crazy-making as it is for you, he is also entitled to his truth. But in the end, the courts will decide what is in the best interest of your child.
Sending you strength and courage!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Bay Area, CA
Posts: 188
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty 
Butterfly do you have a lawyer? There is so much he said/she said going on here, I believe you need a professional to advise you on what the COURT will want to know before deciding custody. I know you are hurting, but to engage in this kind of attack-and-defense isn't going to help make sure your son is safe.
Regarding moderation drinking -- spend some time reading threads on the Alcoholism forum and you will get a pretty strong idea about how many have tried and failed to moderate drinking. Your X is doing what A's do -- denial, blame-shifting, all the classic stuff. Try not to get entangled in it all. You know your truth. As crazy-making as it is for you, he is also entitled to his truth. But in the end, the courts will decide what is in the best interest of your child.
Sending you strength and courage!
Regarding moderation drinking -- spend some time reading threads on the Alcoholism forum and you will get a pretty strong idea about how many have tried and failed to moderate drinking. Your X is doing what A's do -- denial, blame-shifting, all the classic stuff. Try not to get entangled in it all. You know your truth. As crazy-making as it is for you, he is also entitled to his truth. But in the end, the courts will decide what is in the best interest of your child.
Sending you strength and courage!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
You are doing the right thing, butterfly! And you're being smart about it. It sounds like he is lashing out in the interest of hurting you rather than in the interest of your son. That's unfortunate. Hopefully the court will recognize that and act accordingly.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear butterfly2013, how much has he shown interest in your so in the past 3 yrs? So many times, the ex will fight on custody issues---and, in the end, show minimal interest and spend ever decreasing time with the child. Young children seriously interfere with an alcoholics social life and drinking time.
You still have to fight for the best interest of the child, I know........ It just sucks.
dandylion
You still have to fight for the best interest of the child, I know........ It just sucks.
dandylion
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Bay Area, CA
Posts: 188
Thanks SparkleKitty and dandylion!
When our son was born, my ex only visited him a few hours a week. After work, my ex spent most of his time at the bar and on weekends he partied/drank.
We broke up when our son was 15 months old. I relocated to start my MA/PhD program and my ex followed so he could be close to our son. However, he only saw him for a few hours after work and he would only have him overnight maybe once or twice a month.
After a recent incident in which he stated he would never seek treatment for alcoholism and that our son "needs to get used to that," I stopped allowing overnights and I filed for full custody. Although my ex complains that I am "taking our son away from him," he does not prioritize spending time with our son at all---he has gone back to visiting with him for only a few hours a week. I'm hoping the judge sees how quickly my ex gave up on time with our son so quickly...sigh. I'm in for a long, difficult haul, huh?
When our son was born, my ex only visited him a few hours a week. After work, my ex spent most of his time at the bar and on weekends he partied/drank.
We broke up when our son was 15 months old. I relocated to start my MA/PhD program and my ex followed so he could be close to our son. However, he only saw him for a few hours after work and he would only have him overnight maybe once or twice a month.
After a recent incident in which he stated he would never seek treatment for alcoholism and that our son "needs to get used to that," I stopped allowing overnights and I filed for full custody. Although my ex complains that I am "taking our son away from him," he does not prioritize spending time with our son at all---he has gone back to visiting with him for only a few hours a week. I'm hoping the judge sees how quickly my ex gave up on time with our son so quickly...sigh. I'm in for a long, difficult haul, huh?
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
Wow. Im sorry about the nervous stressful wreck your in. Its no fun!
I hope everything goes smoothly and swiftly for you.
I think you have your answer about the drinking in moderation as youde seen him and heard him do the same in the past with fail
I hope everything goes smoothly and swiftly for you.
I think you have your answer about the drinking in moderation as youde seen him and heard him do the same in the past with fail
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Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 179
So sorry you are going through this. I'm not sure his marriage is that relevant here unless his wife would be in the home during visitation. The Court is supposed to focus on best interest of the child and it sounds like you are too. Hopefully the judge can see that. Maybe keep your focus on working toward what is best for your son (full custody with you) and don't get distracted by the reasons he got married if at all possible?
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
I'm in for a long, difficult haul, huh?
He is not that interested in being a father.
If he only visits a few times, for a few hours then you can pretty much expect that to get less and less as his drinking increases.
I agree with Springs. Focus on the best interest of the child. That is what the court does too. His extra marriage and all that is not good on him, but it is kind of extraneous to the child custody issue.
I agree with you, that someone who would marry and then brag to family and friends he did it for the green card is a scum bag. I feel awful for his second wife. Let that go.
He is not worth any of this angst about him.
use your full attention and energy on keeping your son with you and safe at all times.
Beth
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
I've been through a divorce, but not with children involved. That was hard and painful enough....I can only just imagine how it feels when a child/children are involved. Sending you good thoughts and prayers!
Your attorney will provide you with the best advice. I know it seems incredible that your ex is telling such lies, but really, that's what active alcoholics do quite often. It sounds like you are prepared, and I agree with the others in that it is best to always keep in mind the best interest of the child.
Prayers for strength and peace!
Your attorney will provide you with the best advice. I know it seems incredible that your ex is telling such lies, but really, that's what active alcoholics do quite often. It sounds like you are prepared, and I agree with the others in that it is best to always keep in mind the best interest of the child.
Prayers for strength and peace!
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: Bay Area, CA
Posts: 188
Thank you for the kind words and great advice, everyone! I agree, focusing on my child is the most important. In terms of my ex and his wife, his family has told me that he is physically and verbally abusive toward her so I believe they would provide an unsafe environment for my son. There was also an incident where they were arguing so loudly that the police were called and my ex spent the night in the drunk tank. But then again, as my lawyer advised, it's best not to discuss that for the purposes of the short hearing for temporary child custody.
BTW, yesterday my ex canceled another visit with our son because he was "too tired." SMH
BTW, yesterday my ex canceled another visit with our son because he was "too tired." SMH
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: WI
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We had arranged with a mediator that my XAH had to use a breathalyzer prior to and after each visit (at first the visit was every other weekend for 6 hours). The long and short was he didn't pass the breathalyzer twice and he would not go into treatment as he agreed to so he did not get full custody. The beauty was it didn't even get discussed prior to our final hearing. The lawyers wrote up that I'd get full custody and he didn't argue it given the circumstances.
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